Finding the Love You Want by Stefan Gonick - HTML preview

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By Stefan Gonick

Expert EFT Practitioner, Trainer, and Love Coach

“ I believe that we are created to share life with that special someone who awakens our soul and makes us reach for more, who plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, to learn from each other and grow in love.”

Imagine Finally Finding the Love You've Always Wanted!

Imagine being able to finally break through the emotional blocks that have been keeping you stuck and single. Imagine finding your soulmate and having an exciting, healthy, successful relationship! This e-course is your road map to finding the love of your life. You will end up with a deep understanding of the real reasons you haven't found your soulmate yet and what to do to have an incredible love life. There is no more important journey.

The Inside Story: Why You Haven't Found your Soulmate Yet

How long have you been looking for the love of your life? Wouldn't it be wonderful to finally find this special person? You know other people who have found their love, so why haven't you? Is this some cruel stroke of fate, or is there an explanation for your troubles?

The good news is that there is a explanation for why you haven't gotten together with your special love yet. The reasons can be a bit challenging, but the great news is that I will be sharing with you powerful and effective methods for overcoming all obstacles to finding your soulmate.

There are three main types of barriers to finding the love of your life:

1. You are strongly attracted to the wrong people.
2. You have emotional blocks to being with the right people, leading to self-sabotage.
3. You are not aligned with bringing your soulmate into your life.

One or more of theses types of barriers may be the source of the problem. Often, it's all three of them.


Being Attracted to the Wrong People

If you are attracted to the wrong people, then all of your time and energy will be wasted in painful, dead-end relationships. This unhappy situation will obviously make it hard to find and be with the right person. So, what causes you to be attracted to the wrong people?

As you grow up, you unconsciously form an image of your future partner based on the strongest traits of your parents, both good and bad. You will then be subconsciously attracted to people with similar traits. This is not a problem for the good traits, but it can be a big problem for the bad ones.

For instance, let's say that your father had a number of good traits, including intelligence, strength, humor and so on. However, he tended to be emotionally distant and unavailable. A woman who grew up in this environment would tend to find intelligent, strong, humorous, emotionally unavailable men the sexiest men on the planet! It's all good except for that one fatal flaw. Sound familiar?

Similarly, if a man grew up with a warm, loving and giving mother who also happened to be insecure and needy, what kind of women might he be drawn to?


It is important to note that you are not limited to being attracted to the traits of the parent of the opposite sex. Your subconscious image can be a combination of either or both parents.


Finding Love Exercise – Your Parents' Negative Traits

Think about your parents' negative traits. In fact, write them down. When you have the list of negative traits from both parents, see if there is any commonality with your past relationships. You may be surprised (even horrified).

As long as you are strongly attracted to people with the negative traits of your parents, your relationships will tend to be unsatisfying and unhappy, if not painful and doomed. Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. Next, I will share a radical concept with you that you won't find anywhere else. I will share how you can actually cause your partner to take on the negative traits of your parents, even if he or she doesn't originally have them! This can often lead to the failure of an otherwise wonderful relationship.

Marrying Your Parents and Recreating Your Parents

We already talked about how you are attracted to people with the same negative traits as your parents. I will now describe how you can cause your partner to take on the negative traits of your parents. This can happen due to your oversensitivity and over-reactivity to any behavior that even slightly seems like your parent's negative behavior. Let's see how this works.

I'm going to start by setting up an ideal scenario where you find a partner who is nothing like your parents and show how you can still turn him or her into your parents. For example, let's use the case of having a distant father. In spite of this, you manage to find a partner who is not at all distant and is very able to be close and loving. Let's make this scenario even more perfect. In any relationship there are the two normal needs of together time and separate time. Partners may need different amounts of together and separate time, but in this ideal scenario, let's say that you completely match in that department. However, it would be unrealistic to assume that you and your partner would always want to be together and separate at the same time. Okay, so this is our scenario. Let's look at what could happen.

At the times when you are wanting to be separate from your partner and your partner wants to be together with you, there is no problem. You don't have a wound there. However, when you are wanting to be with your partner and your partner is wanting some normal separate time, you run into a problem. If you didn't have a distant father, you wouldn't have any special reaction other than mild disappointment and would handle the situation with ease.

However, because of your very painful background of feeling your father's distance, you are oversensitive to anything that even hints at distance. So, you experience your partner's normal need for some separate time as distancing. Your old pain then comes up and you overreact by getting clingy or angry.

This feels bad to your partner, of course, and he or she reacts by pulling farther away. You feel the additional distance and react even more strongly by being clingier or angrier. Over time you can get a vicious cycle going until you actually create a very distant partner out of your originally close and loving one.

I used the distant father example for this explanation. However, a similar example could be created for any of your parent's negative traits. In each case, your sensitivity and reactivity to behavior that seems like your parent's can cause your partner to act more like your parent. This phenomenon can certainly add a lot of stress to an otherwise healthy relationship and even ultimately ruin it!

Breaking Out of the Bad Relationship Blues

Are you doomed to keep being attracted to the wrong people and/or recreating negative experiences? We will now talk about how to break out of this unhappy pattern. The good news is - you can do this!

Dealing with the unmet childhood need

When a parent has a strong negative trait, it puts you in the painful position of not having an important need met as a child. For instance, earlier we talked about the example of having an emotionally distant father. The unmet needs in this case were being close to Daddy, which would also validate your worth as a person.

As an adult you are then attracted to people with similar negative traits as your parents. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop there. You also get very hooked on trying to get the original unmet need met with this new partner. However, since this partner has the same negative trait as your parent, you won't be able to get your need met with this person either! For example, just as your father didn't meet your need for closeness and validation, an emotionally distant partner will not meet your need for closeness and validation either.

In this situation you are doomed to keep repeating the same unhappiness you experienced in childhood due to the presence of a very powerful force. You see, the child part of you has never given up on trying to be close to Daddy, and your romantic partner is being a stand-in for Daddy (or Mommy). This isn't weird or sick - it's perfectly normal!

You end up staying in the relationship for a long time, repeatedly hitting your head against the wall of trying to get something from someone who can't give it to you. The unhappy paradox here is that you are drawn to people who also won't meet your needs instead of being drawn to people who would be good at meeting your needs. Yikes! Wouldn't it make sense to be with people who could meet your needs instead of ones who won't? Clearly yes, but you need to address that powerful force keeping you stuck in order to do that.

Healing the original wound of the unmet childhood need

So, how do you get yourself out of this mess? The answer is that you have to heal the original wound of not getting your need met by your parent. Once you have done this, you will no longer be drawn to people with that same negative trait. You will instead be drawn to people who can meet your needs. In the example of the distant father, you would stop being drawn to distant partners and be drawn to people who are very capable of being emotionally close instead.

There are two parts to healing the original wound so that you can break out of this pattern. The first part is to work through the pain of your parent’s negative trait and the pain of not getting your need met by that parent. It's the pain of the original wound that keeps you locked into the pattern of trying to get your needs met with similar people. Your young wounded self gets frozen in time, never giving up on getting your need met by your parent. Releasing the original pain frees up that part of you.

The second part is to learn to give to yourself what you didn't get from your parents when you were growing up. You see, when you get a need met by your parents, you naturally learn to fulfill that need for yourself as an adult. For example, when a parent is close to you and gives you good attention, you feel validated as a person and learn to validate yourself as an adult. When you are not validated by your parent, you don't learn how to validate yourself as an adult. Instead, you look to other people to validate you. Unfortunately, you are attracted to people who also won't validate you. Paradoxically, if you learn how to validate yourself, you will be attracted to people who will be able to be close and validating. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Powerful Healing Techniques

There are many ways to relieve the pain from the original wounds of not getting your needs met in childhood and learning to take care of them yourself. However, traditional therapeutic methods can take months to years to do so and can be very challenging in the process or not really work.

The fastest, gentlest and most effective methods that I know of are from the field of Energy Psychology called the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT). These powerful methods can typically heal these types of wounds in just two to five sessions for each negative trait related wound. The relief can be dramatic and lasts permanently.

The pattern of being attracted to the wrong people who share your parents' negative traits will be broken, so the way will be cleared to being with the right people and having a happy and healthy relationship.

EFT is an easy to learn, self-healing technique, but there isn't space in this ebook to describe it here. If you don't already know about EFT, please go to my web site and read about it there. My site includes a tutorial and some interesting, short EFT video clips as well:

Once you have healed the wound from your parent's negative trait, you will have broken free from the doomed pattern of being attracted to the wrong people. You will finally be attracted to healthy, loving, wonderful partners! Unfortunately, you may still not be able to successfully approach or maintain a good relationship with the right people. Next, we will talk about your internal obstacles to being with the right kinds of people.