We’ve been playing spies again, this time it’s been a lot better cos Toto suddenly had an idea and asked me whether I’d noticed whether Matthews had a webcam on his computer and I thought there was one on top of the screen so we started BackOrifice again and Toto was kicking himself and everything and calling himself dummy, cos he hadn’t thought of it before and when we connected to Matthews’ computer this time all he had to do was turn on the web cam and there it was - we could see most of Matthews’ bedroom. The picture wasn’t great or nothing cos we’ve got this shitty connection, but Toto set it up so that it just refreshed every second, so it was all jerky and stuff but we could see everything, even his really foney Linkin Park picture and we could see Matthews, and Toto made the window big and even though it was a bit sort of distorted you could see if you sort of squinted your eyes, cos the blockiness blurs and it is a bit clearer. Anyway - it was cool.
Me and Toto just looked at it really quietly, cos it was brilliant and Toto said ‘This takes our whole plan and observation on to a different level of sophistication’ - I just gave him a look and he laughed and went red and said ‘well it does’ but I think he realised that I thought he was been foney and got embarrassed about it, which made me laugh but only to myself cos he’s being cool and I don’t want to piss him off or anything and spoil it. You see, Toto, he always has these real dark moods, you know? He’ll be all cool and nice and everything for days and days and then for no good reason he’ll get really upset about something – like if the salt is in the wrong place on the table or somebody has opened a window or something. Mum says it’s cos he’s growing up and is a teenager, but I think it’s just cos he’s an arsey twat sometimes and just likes to always get his own way and be right and have everyone think he’s the man.
Anyway, the reason we wanted to spy on Matthews this time was to see what he would do about the second ransom note we’d left him, cos Toto thought that maybe he might not do like we told him to do and take all that stuff to Ms Courtney’s house and find the next note and stuff and that he might go to the police and they’d have all these coppers pretending to be kids at our school and that nobody would notice even though they would all be old enough to smoke and shave and stuff like in Beverly Hills 902510 and Buffy. I thought he was being stupid, but I can see what he means. And anyway, Matthews came across to his computer and it was really weird cos I could see him walk across and sit down in front of us and stuff like we were looking at him down a tunnel or something and then Internet Explorer started and he was picking his nose. Even though I knew he couldn’t see us or hear us or anything I still covered my mouth so he couldn’t hear me laughing and so did Toto when he grabbed this really big bogey from up his nose and then started rolling it on the desk so it was like a worm, like we used to do with Playdoh or Plasticine when we were loads younger. It was so gross cos he kept sticking it to his forehead and then peeling it off and this bogey must have been enormous cos it looked like a big scar on his face even over the webcam with the window not being that big. Then he totally grossed us out, he put it in his mouth and sucked it in like spaghetti. I just wanted to hurl - he really is the grossest bastard in the whole world and Kate is gonna be sooo rid of him and that is when Toto really started wetting himself and told me.
See, I didn’t realise everything you can do with webcams and stuff but Toto told me that he’s been recording Matthews all the time and it was just sitting on Matthew’s computer waiting for us to download later - and that we can put it somewhere so that people from school can see it and then they’ll all know. But we’d have to do it secretly and stuff cos we don’t want anyone to know that we’ve used BackOrifice on him or anything.
Anyway, Matthews was obviously not really sure what to do about the ransom note, cos he started looking at these sites that are like Friends Reunited but for people who have lost their pets - like Pets Reunited if it exists which it probably does in America cos they have all these lame sites for anything you can think of - and that was what it was like for Matthews cos every site he went to was all about Mrs Mulkovic who’d lost her pet dog Splurge in Cincinnati or Mr Yackup who was trying to find Iggy his pet tarantula and stuff - which was all funny but not ‘Hey Matthews we found your dog, and it’s so clever and smells so nice and it’s just waiting for you to take it for a walk’ which he must have been hoping for I reckon.
But anyway, me and Toto got real bored with all that, so we went out and played football and stuff for a while until we had to come in and eat tea.
I have just had the funniest time. See when we went out to play footie I totally stuffed Toto 9-3 in one-on-one and I was like Jason Koumas from West Brom who is the coolest player even though West Brom aren’t very good and though Toto kept saying he was Rooney he plays like a girlie loony, but anyway after we’d come in and had our baths, Toto called me in to look at the computer cos he’d left BackOrifice on so it recorded what Matthews had been doing and he’d downloaded the Mpeg to our computer sort of automatically using FTP - which is how you can copy things around really easily.
Anyway, we kind of skipped thru the file and it was all Matthews looking at boring websites and stuff which was really yawnsome for ages and ages, but then he gets up and looks really shifty and goes to his bedroom door and looks out, then shuts it and just stands there sort of hopping from one foot to the other like he’s trying to work out a really hard maths sum or like he’s about to piss himself or something. Anyway, he opens the door and has another look and there’s obviously nobody around cos he goes, all sneaky, across to his wardrobe and kneels down in front of it and opens the door. Then he reaches inside and there must have been carpet on the floor inside cos he moved these trainer boxes out and on to the floor then lifts a bit of carpet which must have been cut out – and, not thinking, I said, ‘Hey Toto - he’s got a secret place cut out of the carpet just like yours’ which was really dumb cos Toto wasn’t meant to know that I knew he’d got a secret hideaway and he gave me the third degree about how I knew and if I ever looked in there he’d kill me and stuff. I don’t know why he was so bothered cos he’s only got dumb magazines and condoms in there and it ain’t like he’s going to use them cos they’re nearly past their sell-by date and all covered in dust and stuff. Anyway, I never cracked with Toto and he wanted to watch the Mpeg as well so he let me off light this time, but I know he’ll move his magazines and stuff - but that’s cool, ‘cos I’ll find them again.
Anyway, out of his hidey-hole, Matthews started getting these newspapers and stuff and started laying them on the floor, but we couldn’t see what they were. I thought they might be football posters, but I don’t remember Scrattymatty liking football or anything and Toto thought they were probably popstar pictures, but anyway, as he got more and more out they were getting closer to the computer and the webcam so we could begin to see what they were and they were pictures of topless women - like Page 3 of the Sun or something - and I started laughing so much, cos who’d be so lame as to hide away Page 3 pictures which you can see everywhere?
I mean he’s got the internet and everything and you only have to type in ‘XXX’ to find tons of pictures and stuff without trying and lame Matty is cutting out Page 3 pictures then hiding them in secret holes in the carpet.
Man I thought it was so funny, and Toto is laughing too, but telling me to be quiet cos we were meant to be going to bed and stuff. Anyway, then it got even funnier cos Scrattyman went and got a catalogue out of his wardrobe like Grattans or Kays or something like Mum uses to order clothes and we couldn’t see what page he was looking at but I looked at Toto and we both just knew that he was looking at the women’s underwear section and that he was really getting off on it. Man it was funny, and I was crying and stuff and Toto’s saying ‘oh wow, look - this woman, I can see this woman… in her Bra’ - in this really shocked voice as though he was Mattyman and had discovered something really shocking. It was really funny, and we were really laughing and then Matthews started undoing his jeans and we both stopped dead and went really quiet and Matthews started to put his hands in his fly and Toto just sort of went ‘oh shit’ and stopped the Mpeg and went quiet, and then after a little bit that felt like a really long time cos we were both standing there really shocked, Toto started laughing again and said, all quietly and whispered so that only I could have heard even if anyone else had been there, ‘See Panton, I always said he was a wanker’, and then he started laughing again and said ‘that’s perfect, we’ve really got him now’ and then even though he wasn’t laughing anymore I could hear this really fake scary horror film laugh like off Scooby Doo or something and that was it.
Well we did it, we like really did it - we really made that bastard Matthews suffer. We really got him exactly where we want him and we gonna play him like a kipper, Paulie - we gonna strip him bare and hang him out to dry – an’ ain’t that the truth?
See, today is the day we said for Matty to deliver his ransom to Ms Courtney’s house so that he might get his shitty-smelling worthless dog back. And…he did it! He really went there with all the crap we told him to take and just walked up her driveway, like it was the most normal thing in the world. He just put the ciggies and donuts and dog turd down right on the porch carpet
- he even opened the door of the porch, put everything down and then shut the door behind him, like he was scared someone was going to nick it and then he wouldn’t see his li’l poochy dog again. Man, me and Toto, we sort of hid in a bus shelter just up the road, outside the fish shop and we could see him, cos Ms Courtney has got her house in this little grove place, but right on the corner so really it’s on the main road as well, but I bet she puts the grove as her address not the main road, cos teachers are like that and always try and foney things up so that they sound better than they are, even, if it doesn’t matter or nothing. Anyway, Matty closes the door of the porch and stands there a minute as though he’s waiting for his doggie-woggie to run up and lick him on his stupid face even though the dog must smell so bad now even Scrattymatty would take a step back and think about it. Anyway, me and Toto we were sort of standing there watching, but trying to look natural and cool so that nobody would notice or think twice about us, just fading into the scenery like good spies do - I mean a spy that wears flash clothes and is really beautiful would be so memorable and it doesn’t make sense, which I guess is why James Bond is foney even though it’s good to watch on bank holidays and stuff though not as good as The Saint - the old one with Ian Ogilvy and then that even isn’t as good as Austin Powers which is well cool and he knows Madonna and stuff cos he was in her video, although so was AliG and he’s crap, but that ain’t Austin Powers fault.
Where was I? Oh yeah, anyway, Matty kind of mustn’t have remembered what he was meant to be doing or anything, so he got a bit of paper out of his pocket and even though I couldn’t see it I just knew it was our ransom note, and he started reading it
- there on Ms Courtney’s driveway right outside her front door. Man, he must be sooo dumb, me and Toto were laughing but still trying to be cool, but it was so funny and Toto kept saying ‘Can you see if his lips are moving’, cos he reckons Matthews is so dumb he can’t just read in his head and has to say the words as if he’s still in primary school or something. Anyway, I was in English for a while with Matthews, and Toto is right - he is dumb, so his lips probably were moving.
Anyway, Matthews must have got to the bit where it said he should ring the bell and run and find the next note - which we’d stuck on a tree with Toto’s nail gun around the corner - and he went around to the tree and we couldn’t see him no more, but it didn’t matter cos he came back down the driveway in a couple of minutes and he was holding an envelope, so we knew he’d found it and everything. No-one answered the door though, so I guess Ms Courtney must’ve been out, but it doesn’t matter cos I can’t imagine anyone is going to steal the dog shit – right – doh!
Anyway, I meant to say - the new note is where we step things up and start to make Matty look really dumb, well dumber, you know? Someone is bound to have seen him dumping a dog turd on Ms Courtney’s step, but it might take a while for them to track him down and all, so we want something that is gonna get him good.
See ya!Man, today was real good fun again. Me and Toto, we decided to skip school and go up Cribbs and hang out. It was Toto’s idea, cos he’d been talking to Minto who always dresses real cool and Toto really liked his sunglasses which are Oakley and well cool and over £100 a pair. You don’t even get a naff grannyglasses case with them or anything with one of those sad bits of cloth for polishing the lenses and all - no you get this wicked little black bag which is made of the cloth stuff for polishing the glasses, and it’s got this wicked sort of drawstring on it to keep your glasses in the bag. They’re sooo wicked and Toto’s been going on about them for ages and Minto finally told him about this really cool skate-boarder shop where you can get all the coolest Oakleys and Quiksilver hoodies and Bill-a-Bong shirts and surfer shorts and Vans and Fly trainers and they sell skateboards and snowboards as well.
Anyway, Minto told Toto this yesterday, so we cut school to go up there and have a look to see if we can steal some sunglasses cos Toto’s spent all his money on fags again and never had £100 anyway.
Yesterday I forgot to show you the note we left for Matthews on the tree after he’d done his turd delivery to Ms Courtney’s house and all, so here it is: