Doctor Mooze by Erik Ryman - HTML preview
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Hey scuzbuckit We got ya dog If you dont go to school on first day back in a dress we will send ya its head so Dont call the pigz or it getz it
Wednesday 1st JanuaryNew Year, same old shit.
OK, I keep having these really weird dreams. I don’t even know why I’m writing this cos I ain’t going to show it no-one, yeah right? Not even Minto - and he’s my best friend now. Toto is still my brother but Minto is so cool and he just doesn’t take the piss out of me, you know? But anyway, I keep having these dreams and it’s like me and Kate and she’s tied up on this sort of table like they had in that Mad O’Rourke’s Cow Pie Shop pub in Birmingham when we went there - the one Dad thought was wicked cos it had these really foney plastic bits of meat hanging from the ceiling and you could have a Desperate Dan Cow Pie which was cool cos it was like a whole meal in this really massive bowl with pastry on top and two horns sticking thru it. Dad said that when he was my age (like ever) there was a comic with this bloke in it who ate whole cows in a pie and the pie was so big that the horns stuck thru and that’s what this place was all about. He really thinks we don’t know who Desperate Dan is and that they don’t have The Dandy anymore - doh!
Anyway, the tables they have in there are meant to be like the ones butchers use and stuff and have this fake blood all over them and things. and in my dream Kate was tied to one of them and it was all dark like in Silence of the Lambs when Jodie Foster is going up the stairs and the freaky guy who hides his dick between his legs and pretends that he’s a girl, well he’s hiding out and there’s this other girl in like a big pit (Dad said it was a geek pit, cos people used to put geeks in pits and throw chicken heads at them before they had computers and got rich and cool and stuff) - but anyway, Kate is tied to this table and I feel strange cos she’s all hot and sort of sweating and smelling funny and I sort of feel really weird and wake-up and I’ve wet myself. It ain’t nice you know? I mean I’m loads too old to wet myself and I haven’t done that since I was like seven or something, but at least it wasn’t as much as then, I mean I can remember what it feels like, all sort of warm and nice and you just don’t want to open your eyes and things and then all of a sudden it goes all cold and horrible and then starts burning your legs - well this was different and all I could see was Kate and I missed her even if she is with that shit schmuck bastard and hates me and thinks that I’m a child, but I’ll show her - oh yeah, cos I’m going to be a made man one day and all she’ll have is Shittyboy.
Wow, I found this mad website today. Toto was showing how to download stuff from Kazaa Lite - it’s kind of a place where you can go and get MP3s like Linkin Park and stuff. I typed in ‘Linkin’ and pressed OK and there were thousands. I could find their new album and stuff and it isn’t even in HMV or WH Smiths or anything yet, but it’s in the shops in America and people have made it into MP3s and this Kazaa sort of lets you look at what music they’ve got on their computer and you can pick what you want and they’ll give it you for nothing. Toto says they can look at what we’ve got too, but I put all mine on a CDR so they can’t see nuffin, cos I might get in trouble or something.
Anyway, Toto had gone to put gel on his hair and stuff -, cos he’s a tart like Dad says when he’s laughing and not arguing with Mum about Terry or anything - cos downloading MP3s take a while and Toto gets bored and stuff. So I was playing with Google and kind of searching for more stuff about Quiksilver cos Dad said he would buy me a Quiksilver T-shirt to put under the Ben Sherman shirt Uncle Terry got me from his mate who’s on the market in Bristol and stuff.
Actually, the market’s real cool - I went with Uncle Terry (who isn’t my uncle - but I told you that) and Minto who’s still my friend even though he saw me cry and stuff. Well, we went to this market and it’s in this sort of car park which turns into a market at weekends when the people who normally leave their cars there when they go to work aren’t going to work I guess. Well, we went there and you could get like rip-off DVD movies really cheap and hoodies for all the real cool bands and sort of fake clothes like Ben Sherman shirts and JCB boots and things that look so much like the real ones you see in Cribbs that you can’t tell the difference but are loads cheaper and stuff. It’s well cool. Anyway, when we got back Dad got really narky cos Terry’d got me a shirt and stuff and he said he wanted his son to ‘wear real clothes not ones thrown together in sweatshops in Leicester by illegal immigrants.’ Mum said he was just being stupid cos even the ones you buy in the shops are made in Leicester or Taiwan or Delhi or somewhere and all clothes are made in sweatshops. I asked Minto what a sweatshop was and he said it’s like a really cool place rich people go to not do exercise and look like tarts. I don’t think he’s talking about the same thing as my Mum, but he’s cool and probably right even if he’s talking about something else.
Anyway, I was looking for Quiksilver clothes so that I can print off a picture and show it to my Dad and then I found this really cool site, that had these pictures of people on snowboards and stuff and then real weird words and things. Anyway, there wasn’t anyone on their chat room but it said to come back later, so I probably will. The words were weird though - when Toto got back I asked him to show me how to copy them in Word - I always get CTRL-C mixed up with CTRL-X - and that’s cool in Word but doesn’t work on Internet Explorer and stuff. Anyway, this is what I copied off the site - Toto said if I’d put my Blog on a website I could just put a link in - but he’s like really narked cos I’ve written about him so much - which he likes cos it makes him feel all special - but not happy cos it’s just on our computer and not on Geocities - so he can’t show it to Kate and be the man again. Anyway, this is what it said:
‘I AM THE SOUND I AM THE SIGHT I AM THE VOICE I AM THE WORDS THE FEARS THE LOOK AND THE VISION I AM WHAT I AM - I AM THE MOOZE THAT MAKES THE WORLD SING, I WANT TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING IN PERFECT HARMONY FOR I AM THE WORD AND I I AM THE WORLD I AM THE PEOPLE FOR I AM THE MOOZE AND YOU CAN NEVER RECOGNISE OR RECONCILE JUST WHAT I MEAN TO YOU FOR I AM THE MOOZE UPON WHICH ALL WILL TELL AND ALL SHALL SPEAK FOR I AM MY MOOZE, YOUR MOOZE AND EACH AND EVERYDAY WE PLAY DOCTORS AND WE PLAY NURSES IN DENS AND BIKE SHEDS AND HOLLOW EMPTY PLACES WITH LEAF SHADOWED SKIES AND FADING SUNS - FOR WE EXPLORE AND WE DEPLORE AND WE WANT MORE OH WE WANT MORE SO MUCH MORE FOR I AM THE DOCTOR AND I AM THE MOOZE AND WE ARE JUST SPACE CADETS FLYING TO OZ OR PLANET X TIDYING OUR BEDROOMS AS WE FLOW AS WE FLY FOR I AM THE DOCTOR AND YOU ARE MY MOOZE AND I AM THE DOCTOR AND I AM THE NEWS AND THE MOOZE FOR GENERATIONS TO COME PIN-UPS TO PLAY, FOR I AM THE DOCTOR OF MOOZE AND I AM THE WORDS FALLING FROM THE HONEYED DEVIL’S LIPS FOR I AM THE AFTERLIFE AFTER-BIRTH AND CONDESCENSION FOR I AM YOUR MIND AND I AM YOUR SOUL AND I AM THE BEGINNING MIDDLE AND END FOR WE ARE ONE AND YOU ARE ME AND I AM THE DOCTOR OF THE MOOZE FOR I AM THE DOCTOR OF YOUR MOOZE AND I AM DOCTOR MOOZE AND MINE WILL IS YOUR WILL AND THINE TIME IS MINE TIME AND I AM FOREVER PLAYING AND WE ARE FOREVER TIED FOR I AM YOUR DOCTOR MOOZE AND WE SHALL PLAY UNTIL TIME STANDS STILL AND WE PLAY THRU TIDES OF DILAPIDATED BUILDINGS AND WE TAKE DRUGS AND FLY TO THE MOON AND WE DRINK GREEN UNTIL WILL FEEL BLUE AND RAINBOWS POUR FROM A DEAD DOG’S EYE AND DYLAN HAS CHILDREN WITH A BIKE UP HIS NOSE AND LEMON TREES BECOME WRITERS AND FLOWERS BECOME TIGHTER AND CHILDREN FOREVER PLAY FOR I AM YOUR MOOZE AND YOU SHALL NEVER PLAY LIGHT WITHOUT MINE IS THE GUIDANCE AND MINE IS THE MIND FOR CHILDREN PLAY FLETCHING AT TIMES WHEN WE SHALL NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THAT IS - WHY IS THAT - YOU KNOW THE ANSWER MY FRIENDS THOSE DAYS WE THOUGHT WOULD NEVER END FOR I AM THE DANDELION AND I AM THE ROSE AND I AM THE GERBER BUT THOU SHALT NOT TELL, AND THOU SHALT NOT SWELL AND THOU SHALT NOT LOVE DIE DREAM PLAY HOPE DESIRE PRETEND OR DISPLAY FOR MINE IS THE VOICE THE POWER THE GLORY BOX FILLING WITH TIE-DIED DESIRE AND THAT SHALL BE DONE THAT IS MINE WILL FOR I AM THE KINGDOM AND I AM THE GLORY AND THOU SHALT NEVER EVEN IF YOU WANT TO. FOR I AM THE DOCTOR AND I AM THE MOOZE AND MINE WILL SHALL BE DONE’
Cool huh? I mean I don’t really understand lots of it but it sounds like it was written by a kid - I mean the site is wicked and like the skater pictures are cool and it has Quiksilver adverts and things, so I guess it is all ok. It’s just wicked and I think that Doctor Mooze is a really cool name. Doctor Mooze. When me and Toto have a band and are really big and can ring up Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and ask him if he wants to hang out and maybe play guitars or something.
Well when we do have a band I’m not going to be called Panton anymore, cos that is like sooo not a rock star’s name. I think I’m going to change my name to Doctor Mooze instead, and then everyone will think I’ve got a really cool website and I won’t even have had to bother doing one myself, you know?
Doctor Mooze Thursday 2nd January
Oh man, we’ve got such a cool plan now - I mean we wanted to get back at Mr Fenceman - Mr Whiffycreasote fella - we’ve been trying to find the right way to do it and now we’ve got it. I’m like, so made up. It wasn’t my idea but I feel like it could have been, cos Tito – which is my new name for my brother cos he keeps telling me what to do and my Dad he says that some guy that used to run Yugoslavia, which is what Serbia and Chechnya used to be called before they split up - well my Dad reckons this Tito bloke used to run Yugoslavia, and he faced down the whole Russian army and it was only when he died that the Berlin wall came down and communism died and Castro lost Cuba to the coffee makers and the Manic Street Preachers and stuff. I don’t get this cos they went there and did a concert for Castro and I saw it on MTV and they’re all fat and stuff now and Toto says they aren’t ‘relevant’ since the guitar player who was really thin and didn’t fit in jumped off a bridge or hid himself away and pretended he’d jumped off a bridge and pretended he was dead and stuff - but I don’t know.
Where was I? Oh yeah. I mean, my brother, well he came up with this idea where we make Mr Smelly really suffer and I think it is sooo cool to make Matthews suffer thru his Dad and if we can get him put in prison so that Matthews hasn’t got a Dad anymore and he has to move to a council home for fat scratters in County Durham which is right up north (my Dad says) and he hasn’t got any friends cos they’ve had to move to his Mum’s family house cos Daddy is canned at her maj’s pleasure - and getting beat up in the showers in Winson Green or somewhere. That’s where Fred West hung himself, and it would be so cool if Matthews’ smelly Dad hung himself cos then he would be infamous though not famous (Toto says the difference is that Fred West was funny looking, like the bloke in Supergrass,, but Matthews’ Dad looks like the woman in the Bangles that looks like she was in Sex in the City but got thrown out cos she looked like a bloke except not that much like a bloke).
Since he started seeing Becky he’s talked about TV shows like they’re real and I don’t know, I think he’s gone soft - well I did ’til he came up with this wicked plan. I caught him earlier on in his room and he was watching this TV programme about cheerleaders with pompoms and stuff - you know the ones that look like Britney and stuff before she got into that Justin geezer who used to be in that boyband shit n’sync and stuff after she dumped that weener Prince William , who wants to kill animals and have their blood wiped on his face like he’s Braveheart and stuff even though he isn’t Australian like Mel Gibson or Scottish like Derek McInnes or anything. My Dad reckons Derek McInnes is sooo cool, but he plays for West Brom who aren’t even as good as Liverpool or Everton, never mind Man United or Arsenal (I think Man United will win the premiership this year even though Arsenal are miles ahead and stuff - I don’t know, I just kind of think that Arsenal are too cocky for their own good, but Tito says I don’t understand and he’s probably right even though he thinks he’s better than Rooney, who is so cool - even if he is a bit fat and I think Steven Gerrard is better even if he looks like the bloke from The Coral if you think of him stretched out a bit - when he’s in the video for - I can’t remember what the song is called but says something like ‘and when I’m in that lonely room - ahh-ooohh’ - and has a funny, well funnier-looking, bloke dressed up as an American soldier (Tito says he looked like George Patton who I think is the fat old boxer who makes sandwich toasters these days) – Well, him anyway..
Where was I? Oh yeah, Matthews’ Dad. We’re sooo gonna fuck him up - I mean, my bro’s plan is sooo very cool and I’m sooo happy. I’m going to bed now, and I’m sooo happy - see you tomorrow.
Oh, I am sooo pissed off with Toto - he so takes the piss, I mean I know he’s my brother, but I really hate him sometimes. He’s so foney and then he’s like a total prick. Did I tell you, yeah, that he stole my digital camera so he and Becky could take coo-coo pictures and email them to each other and be really pukey.
Well, I kept the USB cable Mum got me from Argos (I said I’d lost it, didn’t grass Toto up or nothing) so he had to ask me to put the pictures on the computer and then he’d have to give me the camera. Well, he was like really angry cos he thinks I want to look at pictures of the top of their heads when they’re kissing - cos it’s the only picture he can take of them both (yeah right - sure I do) - so he got really narky and kept threatening me and stuff and then Mum told me I had to have a bath. Well, just as I’m getting out Toto comes in and takes pictures of me covered in soap. I’d been dozing and having that dream again and it was so embarrassing cos, like, I think I’d wet when I was in the water. My willy was all funny and Toto took a picture and won’t give me the camera until I give him the lead - and I’m really scared that he’ll show Becky and she’ll tell Kate and she’ll tell Matthews and everyone at school will know and I’ll have to go away and become a monk in Spain like Sean Connery in that old film where people kept killing monks by making their thumbs go black. I fuckin hate him the bastard bastard bastard.
Toto gave me my camera back and said he hadn’t shown the pictures or emailed them or anything to anyone and I deleted them and you couldn’t see anything much anyway. I still hate him, but not so muchNight night!
Doctor Mooze Friday 3rd January
Hiya Well, today was weird and stuff and I never thought I would but it was Toto’s idea and I can see what he means and stuff, even though I didn’t want to or anything, but even if Matthews was playing the big man with Kate and kept on going to the kitchen with her to cop a sneaky feel and stuff it was still cool cos Minto came and just took the piss out of Matthews all night and kept telling him that he was gonna make him his bitch at school and that he’d give him grief so much that he’d wanna die and stuff. And Minto kept asking him where his shitty little dog had gone and was he guarding the great busy motorway in the sky
I’d told Minto about Matthews’ dog even though Toto told me not to cos it was a family secret bound by blood and tradition - but I asked Minto not to tell anyone and he said he wouldn’t and I believe him but I did get nervous when he was taking the piss out of Matthews - but I don’t think the dumb fattyman would suss it anyway, so I didn’t say anything to Minto.
Anyway, I was finding it really hard to be nice to Matthews even though Toto said to go to his party and pretend to be his friend cos you should always keep your friends nearby but you should always keep your enemies closer or something - like they said in Goodfellas or Scarface - which is such a cool film - or maybe the one where that fat guy talks with cotton wool in his mouth, least that’s what Toto says but he could be being his foney self, but it sounded like it anyway.
So I went to the party and Minto came and it was pretty cool and Kate’s friend Tiffany was being nice to me and kept following me around and Minto said that he thought she had the hots for me and she kept offering me slices of her pizza, which I didn’t want but it made me feel good. But tonight wasn’t about having a good time cos Toto had given me a job to do and if you don’t follow orders you can be thrown out of the family and become a non-person and everyone will turn their backs on you, like when Sol Campbell went back to Spurs for the first time after he moved to Arsenal - and I hate them and think it must be weird cos everyone is French, though I guess it’s the same at Liverpool and stuff - though my Dad says they all used to be Scottish when Liverpool were as good as Man United are now and always won stuff - but that was a long time ago and football wasn’t even on TV in colour then.
But the party was OK cos Minto was funny and kept telling Kate that she should find herself a real man and saying that Panton was Spanish for Stud whereas Matthews was English for Wanker - and everyone laughed, which was cool. Even Kate smiled and I felt all funny again and forgot about pizza girl and it made me really proud to be following my mission cos I knew that it wasn’t just revenge, it was so I could get Kate to come and be my girlfriend and dump Matthews cos that’s what I really want even though I’d never tell Minto or Toto or anyone in case they laughed, but I can’t stop thinking about her and it’s always then when I wake up.
Doctor Mooze Later
Hi again, I had to get up to write this cos it was the most important bit about going to Matthews’ party and I got into stuff about Kate and Minto and that and forgot to write it - doh!
See the thing I had to do was give Matthews a copy of Cubasis VST which me and Toto had downloaded from Kazaa
- cos Matthews is too lame to know how to do that even though he thinks he’s Mr Internet and has his fancy domain name and all - but that don’t matter. You see, Matthews has been telling everyone for ages how he’s this super DJ and that and even Kate said he was OK - cos his Dad had got him these really expensive decks and lessons at Christmas last year and Minto had seen them and said they were cool but Matthews played them like a ‘white boy Nigga wannabe’ which is how he talks and stuff - I mean my Dad would kill me if I said ‘Nigga’ and Toto too, but it’s weird cos when I asked Minto why it was ok for him to say it but not for me, he thought it was funny and then he said:
‘If you (like he meant me) call me a Nigga you’re oppressing me based upon my skin colour and the fact that at one time my ancestors were dragged in chains from their home and families in darkest Africa, packed into airless ships, taken across the ocean and put to work in fields picking cotton as slaves. If however, I call myself a Nigga it’s ok because it’s in recognition of the truth that despite the fact that at one time my ancestors were dragged in chains from their home and families in darkest Africa, packed into airless ships, taken across the ocean and put to work in fields picking cotton as slaves; despite this and the reality that many thousands died on the ships, were raped by their new owners or generally treated as scum - despite all this, I am now sitting here and talking to you as, at worst, an equal, but more probably as a superior and yet even if I were still that slave, even if the world was still a darker place than it is now - even with all such things, I would still be sitting here either as your nigger or with you as mine, but still I’d be sitting here, smug in the knowledge that I am hung like the hottest donkey this side of hot donkey world - and every bitch in the place wants a piece of me’.
I had to write that down a while after, so I might have got bits wrong, but by the end of it all everyone in the place was quiet and stuff, apart from Minto (who had said it all in this voice like Chris Eubank, who used to be a boxer but now, well I don’t know what he does) - yeah except for Minto who was laughing. Anyway, but I was talking about DJ chunky and all and how he is Mr Hotdex - Not!
Me and Toto had got Cubasis which is this really cool recording studio software that lets you record your mixes on a computer as though it was a real recording studio and then you can kind of re-mix them and put them on to MP3 and put them on the internet or even burn them on to a CD-R and sell them as white label demos and get a recording deal if they’re good. Well I know Matthews has been saving his paper round money to buy Cubasis (cos people really pay for software, don’t they, when you can just go on Kazaa and download it for free, and I mean Matthews has got broadband from Telewest or Blue Yonder or whoever they are and we’re stuck with this Tesco's 56k modem crap which is the only thing my Dad will pay for). But anyway, Toto had burnt a CD-R with Cubasis on it and all I had to do was install it on Matthews’ shitty computer and that would be cool.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyway later on at the party, Minto was talking to Kate cos I asked him to and I said to Matthews that I was going to go soon so if he wanted Cubasis we’d better go and put it on his computer and stuff cos I had to give Toto the CD-R back because he didn’t want anybody else to have a copy and that especially not Matthews (this wasn’t true but it was all part of what Toto called our smokescreen cos he didn’t want to leave any evidence that could be traced back to us and all). Anyway, Matthews knows that Toto doesn’t like him much and stuff so the story sounded right. But I could see that he was really worried that Minto would steal Kate off him and make her his bitch or something, and was distracted and all. Anyway, I just pretended to get real shitty and said that if he didn’t want it I just wish he’d stop pissing me around and treating me like a bitch and all - and he was like ‘no, no’ and stuff cos he really wants Cubasis and all but really was worried about Kate and Minto and that maybe Minto would steal her from him even though Minto is loads older and cooler and would be embarrassed to be seen with Kate cos she’s a kid and everything and a skater-girl whereas Minto says that he isn’t Grunge and he isn’t Rude – ‘I’m an individual’ - but Matthews is dumb like that and doesn’t really think it through.
Anyway, Matthews did really want Cubasis so he said that we should go to his bedroom where he has his computer. Now I’ve never been in his bedroom before and I guess I didn’t really know what it was going to be like - but when we got there it was awesome. I could see he was being really foney cool as we went in cos he knows how awesome it is and everything, and I could see he was just waiting for me to say something, but I wasn’t going to make his day by doing that, not if he’d buried me up to my neck and had lobsters crawling toward me. No, not lobsters - those insect things with pointed tails that curl up behind them and sting you and all and live in deserts (though Dad said he used to see them in Birmingham when he lived their years ago, but we don’t believe him cos when he talks about Birmingham it’s like this mythical place where his football team - West Brom.
- were good and there were curry houses every 20 metres and stuff and they have scorpions). Scorpions - that’s it. No, not even if they had scorpions coming towards me would I have ever said that Matthews’ bedroom was the coolest place I had ever been anywhere ever, even though it was. See, when I went in it was dark cos he’s got these chrome cover spotlights in the corners of the room and this bar going across the ceiling with a few more on - but they were moving - like search lights or stage spotlights or something - and in the corner of the room he’d got this enormous space ship lava lamp which was sooo cool I just wanted to hit him there and then, but I had to be professional and everything and remember my mission so I didn’t, but I wanted to - but the best thing was the whole of the wall when you walked in was painted like the cover of Linkin Park’s album Hybrid Theory, which is the best painting in the world and it even had the words so they looked right, not like when people paint Linkin Park on the back of their bags at school and stuff, but this was proper cool. And then I saw the CD player he’d got, which was tiny and shiny with all these cool lights on it. It had speakers all over the room, real little Bose ones like you see in GQ and stuff, but no leads anywhere cos they were wireless and then I saw his computer and it was this iMac looking thing which I’ve seen in PC World at Cribbs that costs thousands and has got a 3Gig chip and a gig of memory and all and must really be cool and quick and you’d be able to play games really fast and stuff. But I could see that Matthews was waiting for me to say something and I was so desperate not to make him feel like ‘the man’ even though he’d got the coolest room in the whole world and stuff and I was really jealous and really, really wanted it to be my room, and I could see why Kate would want to be with someone who had such a really cool room and that our plan seemed so small now, and that even if it worked and Kate dumped Matthews she still wouldn’t want to be with me cos my bedroom is pants compared to the awesome one Matthews has, but even though I was thinking all this only a second had gone past and my brain was zooming along like one of those weird adverts that are all in fast forward - no, it was more like in The Matrix when everything goes in slow motion except you and I could have jumped in the air like a ninja and kicked Scrattymatty a hundred times before his fat flabby brain caught up and knew what had happened and he would’ve been dead before he hit the dirt and even though he’d got a real cool room it was still quite dirty, it was just that you never noticed at first cos of the cool lights and it still smelt of wet dog and piss even though his dog was dead and buried and getting even smellier under our tree house. And that’s when I remembered that our mission was more about putting Scratman DJ in his place cos it isn’t about money it’s about cojones and mine are the biggest muffas in the whole of this shitty town. I just looked at Matthews and said quietly that his Linkin Park picture was cool - he looked smug and stuff and waited for me to carry on and that was when I pulled him into my little trap, cos I looked him in the eye and kept my expression real cool like Joe Pesci and said :
And you could see he wasn’t expecting that and he sort of stuttered a bit and then I knew, that was when I knew for sure that all the cool things he’d got, the cool computer, the wicked stereo the absolutely brilliant Linkin Park picture - all of it was completely fake and had nothing to do with Matthews - I knew he didn’t know how to use the computer and I knew that the stereo was only cool cos his Dad had paid loads of money for it, and Kate had said that she thought it was funny that Matthews wanted to be a DJ but didn’t have a turntable other then his mixers, and most of all I knew that Matthews hadn’t done the painting himself cos I was in his art class last year and he was shit, I mean he was really, really bad, and still Matthews was waiting for me to carry on talking but things had changed in my head and I knew I had all the power again and that I had to complete my mission even if I died in the process and never saw Kate again or anything. Matthews was still waiting, but he’d got a funny look on his face like he wasn’t so sure that he was still in control but didn’t know why. And then I heard Kate laugh downstairs and Minto talking really loud, and Matthews jumped and I could see that he was scared that Minto was taking his girl (as if - doh!) and before I could say anything, he started for the door and said, ‘Would you mind putting Cubasis on the PC and I’ll get some drinks’ - like he was doing me the favour and like he was reclaiming all his power so that he was the man again and I was just this little kid - but he couldn’t put me down this time as I knew - I fuckin’ knew now and he could never treat me like shit again - cos I was the man and I had his number and it was 333, the number of the coward, it was number two - the colour of shit. I just looked at him and said
‘Linkin Park have got a new album out - are you going to paint that cover on the wall as well?’
And he looked stunned, like one of the rabbits when we line them up at night with the Maglite - right in the eyes. They look like they’re scared but don’t know why and then you pop them - and Matthews just looked at me and stuttered again, ‘I, er, didn’t paint it - my Dad got someone to do it’ and I just looked at him and even though my brain was shouting and screaming ‘foney fuck foney fuck foney fuck’ all I did was just shrug a bit and say, ‘Oh, I thought Kate said that you’d done it yourself - she must have got the wrong idea, mustn’t she?’
And I just left it hanging in the room and sort of walked to the computer - the threat that I would just ‘mention’ it to Kate hanging around like the smell of Matthews’ dead dog - and he just stood there looking at his shitty painting in his shitty room and he just became so small - and then Kate laughed again and he went pale and muttered something and just sort of turned round and left. And there I was, there I was sitting in front of his computer, sitting there with Cubasis on a CD-R and an empty CD drive in front of me and Cubasis on a CD - Cubasis and a few other things that Toto had put there so that we can complete our mission and get revenge.
First things first though, and I got out my WWE notepad and copied down the hotmail email addresses and password that was really securely stuck on the side of the computer in case it came in useful and stuff – they’re so dumb - it had Matthews’, his Mum’s and his Dad’s email addresses and passwords just sitting there – doh!. Anyway, next I put in the CD-R, and it was all over in a minute or two and I took the CD-R out again and broke it in half. The crack sound was loud but I couldn’t hear it properly cos there was this rushing sound like when we used to play in the water pipe by the river and you could hear the water rushing along and it was like it was going to catch you and wash you away into the sea without a lifebelt and stuff and Minto’s book doesn’t cover that - and I didn’t even have the book then but that’s how it sounded and I just put the pieces of the CD-R in my pocket and stood up and went downstairs and Minto looked at me and raised his eyebrows, and he was talking to Kate and making her laugh, but he was doing it for me cos he’s my best friend and he knew I had to do something and that he had to keep Matthews out of my way in case he realised something wasn’t right so he was my diversion and when he raised his eyebrows he was asking me without talking whether it was cool - and I just nodded really slightly so nobody except Minto could see and he just smiled and nodded a little bit himself and then stood up and said really loudly, ‘Well that’s enough of playing with the kiddies for one night - I’m going out for a bit of grown up fun.’ Then he took a step away from Kate and Matthews and looked across at me again as he was putting on his really cool Ben Sherman jacket and said, ‘Hey, my man, are you coming with me then, or are you staying with the children?’ and it took a second for me to realise he was talking to me and not one of his friends and then I knew and could see him smiling his little smile at me and I just felt sooo cool and grown up and in control like when I was in Matthews’ room and I just grabbed my Quiksilver hoodie and said real cool- like, ‘Yeah, why not’ and then we just walked out and I had to try and be really cool and stuff but I could see Kate’s face and she looked at me like I was really cool and I saw Matthews’ face and he looked like he’d just lost everything and didn’t know how or why it could happen to him on his birthday or ever , but he didn’t realise that it was only the start - and all I could hear in my head was this Dick Dastardly laugh and I felt so cool and it was the best night of my life or ever as me and my friend Minto walked back to my house and he made sure that I was alright and all the time he kept calling me king-kiddie and laughing at Matthews - even though he only thought I was messing up his computer and didn’t know our real plan.
I better go to bed now, cos I’ve been typing for ages now and it’s 4 am and I’ll get killed if I get caught
Saturday 4th January
Hiya! Man I’ve had such a cool day today, I mean yesterday was wicked with Minto and stuff cos he really helped me and made me feel good by showing everyone at the party that I was his friend and that he wasn’t bothered that I’m loads younger than him or anything and that even though I am he still wanted to hang out with me and that he thought that Matthews’ party was really plebby and I could see that Kate was really impressed and that she thought Matthews looked like a real jerk and all when we left. I had that dream again last night but this time I was trying to undo the chains from Kate and she was shouting ‘hayelp’ like Penelope Pitstop in the cartoons where she’s got that real pink racing car that looks cool and not a Barbie car or anything even if it is pink and in my dream I managed to get Kate off the table and she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and it was sooo nice you know? And she smelled so nice, not like piss or anything like Matthews’ house, but like a flowery day, like when we go down the beach in the summer in Weston and cut thru Jill Dando’s garden which was made by that bloke with the funny eyes and the woman who’s always lifting loads of stuff and sort of wobbles cos she ain’t got a bra on. That’s what my dad says anyway, and he’s always watching it. But, I mean,yesterday was cool, but today was better even though it was in a different way.
I didn’t go to a party or see Minto or Kate or anything, all I did was sit at the computer with Toto, but it was so cool cos we were putting the plan into action and Toto was explaining it a bit more and stuff and telling me about BackOrifice which is this really cool hacker tool that he downloaded from the Doctor Mooze website or somewhere and it lets you take over other people’s computers without them knowing it and lets you see what they’re doing on their screens and stuff. It felt sooo cool cos we could look at Matthews’ computer cos I’d managed to load Cubasis VST onto it and Toto had put some extra bits on the CD and even though I was really impressed with Matthews’ bedroom and stuff I arranged for Minto to talk to Kate and didn’t let Matthews think he was the man or anything so he left me alone to do it and Toto has been calling me 006½ all day cos he says I was like a real secret agent and that he’s proud of me and I don’t think he’s ever said that he’s proud of me before ever, even when I won a swimming race at school or when I got an ‘A’ for English, even though Dad made a big deal of it and we all went to a Harvester for tea and I had this massive icecream with nuts on it and stuff and it was really creamy and Toto was allowed to have a steak to himself and a glass of wine which made him feel so grown up that he even forgot to steal any knives or spoons or anything and he even takes stuff in Wimpy when we go there.
But with this BackOrifice thing it is really cool cos we were able to have a look at all the stuff on Matthews’ computer cos he leaves it on the net all the time cos he’s got broadband and stuff and it doesn’t cost per minute like our crappy 56K cheapo effort does, and we copied all these files of his dad’s over to our computer with all the accounts for his business and stuff and then we changed some of the numbers so that he’ll charge my dad loads less and then Toto didn’t think that was enough so we just made up loads more numbers then put them all back onto Matthews’ computer so that you couldn’t even tell we’d changed them, but then Matthews must have come in with Kate and stuff cos Internet Explorer opened and I kind of jumped up and tried to switch the computer off in case they could see us and Toto was killing himself laughing cos I thought that we could be seen even though he told me that we couldn’t.
But anyway, then we went into spy mode which is really cool and sneaky and we just sat there and watched Matthews and maybe Kate (who I think I love but won’t tell Minto or Toto or anyone in case they laugh at me and anyway I want to tell Kate first and she’ll hug me and kiss me on the cheek). But we were watching for ages and they went to really crap sites like Gareth Gates and A1 and Blue and stuff, but then it got really funny cos they went to this site where you can get loads of things for free just by giving your name and address and stuff and then loads of companies send you stuff thru the post - me and Toto ordered all these free books and sticker albums and stuff from it later on which will be well cool when they arrive cos I want to collect the stickers for all the Premiership footballers and this means I don’t have to buy the album or anything, but Matthews and maybe Kate were going to all these sites for face creams and stuff and trying to get free samples - I think they must be for Kate though Toto reckons that boys use them too sometimes and seemed kind of foney and weird when I asked how he knew that and he said that it’s because he read about them in GQ - but I think they must be for Kate cos there were loads of them and Matthews has got loads of spots and doesn’t wash I think, cos he always smells the same - bad, so they must be for her.
And then I got really angry cos the name where they were telling the websites to send the free creams to was Mrs Kate Matthews and they were going to Matthews’ address and I got really pissy but Toto said that it doesn’t mean that they’ve got married and Kate hasn’t moved in with Matthews or anything - it just means that they were using a fake name and age and stuff like when we set-up my site on Geocities and that Kate probably wasn’t there at all and that Matthews was just embarrassed cos he was getting them for himself or that he was really tight and was trying to get as many free things as he could so that he could give them to Kate for her birthday - and then I realised that I didn’t know when Kate’s birthday was and got really upset and stuff and angry cos Matthews will know and I don’t - so Toto rang Becky to find out and it’s May 22nd so they probably aren’t for her and Matthews put July 22nd anyway which probably means that he was on his own and that the creams were probably for him anyway.
I called him a foney cheap bastard and Toto laughed and said that there’s no pleasing me.
Anyway, after a while it was getting boring cos Matthews had gone to every cream site on the freeukstuff website and there were loads there like Clinique, Estée Lauder, Roc, Nivea, Ponds and Clarins and a few others I forgot
Anyway, after a while they must have gone or Matthews had gone to bed or something cos nobody was using the computer so me and Toto we decided to send loads of other things to Matthews’ address and get them to send them to Mrs Kate Matthews just in case he’d decided to just give them to Kate for her birthday or for some stupid anniversary or something, so we went to loads of sites like Durex for condoms, KY for some kind of jelly that Toto thinks is funny. I asked him why and he wouldn’t tell me - though I think it was because he doesn’t know – he’s such a foney and it doesn’t really say on the website.
And then we went to this other site called Goldspot which sells sprays that make your breath smell good, which Matthews really needs but Toto says isn’t something you’d want to give your girlfriend if you want her to kiss you or even talk to you again. And then we ordered loads of air fresheners and stuff to try and help Scrattymatty make his house smell a bit nicer (though they only come in small bottles so I can’t see that it’ll help) and then we found a site where they sell extra-strong deodorant or antiperspirant - I don’t know what the difference is - called Mitchum which is for people who really sweat loads even when it’s not midsummer and stuff and probably wear blue long-sleeve shirts and have dark patches down their backs and under their arms like Lee Evans the weird looking comedian that dad likes but isn’t funny.
Anyway, that was really good fun, but it’s got a bit boring now so we’re going to wait for Mum and Dad to go to bed and then we’re going to put the next part of our revengey plan into action which means I’ve got to find the book Minto gave me cos we need to know how to break into the school though Toto is being all secretive (I think it’s cos he didn’t get to be 006½ last night and he’s jealous) and anyway, he won’t tell me what we’re going to do.
Doctor Mooze Sunday 5th January
Oh man, last nite was so cool. See me and Toto we decided to put the next stage of Toto’s plan into action - I like that ‘put the plan into action’ - it sounds so Choirboys, sooo very Goodfellas . Toto’s plan is sooo dark it just like kills me, Louis.
Anyway, we went for two stages. First of all we decided that we had to keep the pressure on Matthews and all, so we decided that we’d do another ransom note for his shitty-smelling dog - I mean it’s dead and all, but he don’t know that, so we might as well make the most of it. Anyway, we did another ransom note on the computer so that it couldn’t be traced or anything - like before except we made it so that he had to do some real stupid stuff and we made it so that he might be caught doing it and look really shonky and an idiot and stuff. So we decided to tell him to take loads of stupid stuff to Ms Courtney and then he’s got to go find his next clue so we can make him trail all over the place and then look like a dumb ass and Kate will think he’s really strange and pathetic and dump him and then look across the room at me and feel all warm inside and realise what a fool she’s been and come across and say ‘Hey Panton’ and I’ll say ‘Hey’ and she’ll ask me to go to the Mall, like we’re American or something and then we’ll maybe go to Pizza Hut and have all we can eat for five pounds - except I haven’t got five pounds, but Toto would lend it me, I reckon, if it meant that he wouldn’t get grief about Kate smelling like piss cos she’s hanging around with him.
Anyway, the ransom note – we snuck up to Matthews’ house and put it under the door in an envelope that looked like it was from a girl, you know, I mean we stole some of Mum’s scented paper and stuff and wrote it really neat and all - so that he’d grab it and hide it from his folks. Anyway, the note said: