Doctor Mooze by Erik Ryman - HTML preview

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Published by bluechrome publishing

 

bluechrome publishing, PO Box 109, Portishead, Bristol BS20 7ZJ

 

First Edition 2003

 

Revised, Second Edition Published by bluechrome 2007

 

Copyright Ù Erik V Ryman 2007

 

Erik V Ryman has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover

other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
The original edition of this book was published in the name of ‘Panton di Villa’. All the characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

 

www.bluechrome.co.uk www.erikryman.co.uk

 

ISBN 978-1-906061-04-3 Illustrations are by Sean Michael O’Brien, aged 11.

Erik Ryman
also by Erik Ryman

the tsetsefly chronicles God’s Game

Introduction

Doctor Mooze was originally meant to be a short story, something that could be read to my then unborn son but, as with most things in life, it was not quite that simple. Instead it became the final diary of a ten-year-old boy, Panton di Villa, and was published in his name...and man was he a brat.

Reviewers loved it, hated it, and weren’t sure whether it was true or not. Too neat to be true, I think, was the general opinion - although no-one was really sure.

Which of course was the original intent.

But that was then, and as it is being reissued I thought I’d better come clean. At least this way Jack gets his dedication, even if it will be a while before I let him read it.

Erik Victor Ryman Spring 2007

for Jack
Saturday 21st December

Hi! Welcome to my blog. I’m going to be writing it every day from now on until it gets really big. Then I’ll sell advertising on it so millions of people read it.

OK, it’s not on the internet yet, cos I haven’t got round to learning how to do that, but I’ve got a copy of Word my Dad lifted from work and I know how to use it. I thought I’d wait ’til I’ve got a bit more and it’s worth the effort. I can’t see the point in learning how to do all that shit and then getting bored with writing this and it’s all a waste - I mean, who’s going to pay for advertising if there’s only one or two pages?

Cool. I’ve done half a page already and it ain’t sooo very hard. Man, that sbentter Matthews - he’s in my class and he’s been trying to do a blog for months and all he’s got on it is stuff about his holiday in Portugal. Some of the pictures of women were cool – his Dad had done this sneaky thing where he took photos of Matthews’ Mum on an air bed - well stupid she looked - and had made sure that there were these real cool girls in the background. Matthews used Coral Picture to cut his Mum out and put a pic of himself in the middle so it looked like these cool girls were checking him out. They looked German – well my brother Toto said so and he knows cos he’s got these magazines hidden in his bedroom. It was sooo funny the other day when Mum started tidying his room, and he had to try and get her out. It was sooo cool, cos me and Toto were saying ‘Hey Mum, there’s someone at the door’. Then Toto said that he’d broken his foot and started hopping around and stuff like a real nonno. I was laughing, and Mum kept telling him to stop ‘trying to be clever’ which made me laugh even more cos he just looked sooo very stupid.
My blog’s going to be about real things. I’m on my second page now and haven’t even said what it is I like to do. Oh man, this is going to be easy. Maybe I will learn that internet stuff so people can see it.

I’m going to shoot some rabbits now with Dad. We’ve got a problem with vermin and we’re willing to take a responsible approach to managing it. That’s what he told the smelly reporter when those hippy blokes with beards and those ugly women told on him to the papers and the radio people kept coming round to his work and telling lies about him.

We have to kill the rabbits when it’s dark now so that no-one can see us and we’ve got to do it tonight because the man from the fur factory is coming round in the morning and he pays us money for them. My Dad says it’s secret, so not to tell anyone, especially not reporters.

Panton

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Sunday 22nd December

Hi again! Welcome back to my blog. I guess I’ve got to keep writing every day if I’m going to sell it to someone and get adverts, but I had an awesome day today cos we went to see a football match.

It was really good – not like when you play it on the PS2 and you don’t really get involved. You can shout at people and sing songs and stuff. Dad got funny when these people kept singing songs with dirty words – I think he thought we hadn’t heard them before. He tried to pretend like he couldn’t understand what they were saying, and Toto kept asking him what the words were so he could join in. I think Dad knew that Toto knew and he kept raising his eyebrows in my direction, but Toto kept pretending that he didn’t realise. I mean, I’m ten years old and he still thinks I’m a kid or something. Like I don’t know how to say ‘fuck’:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I mean it’s not hard is it? Every fucking television show says fuck and we always watch films and things where people say fuck and worse words. He does though - he really does think I’m a kid still.

I guess all Dads are like that - they want to be your best buddy – but when it comes to things that your best buddy wouldn’t want you to do, like cleaning and homework and putting your light out when you’re on Havoc Hotel or something, well then they get to be Dads again and look lame.

Toto says that he could be a Dad if he wanted to, because he’s got hair starting to grow on his balls. He’s older than me. I’m not sure if I’d want hair on my balls - it looks kind of itchy. I don’t know why having balls with hair on them would let you be a Dad either. I know my Dad has got hair on his balls too – I saw them once when we went swimming and shared a changing room.

Once they put a big monster in the middle of the pool, and me and Toto were running from one side of the pool, up the monster’s legs, over its body then bombing into the little kids like that blubber belly bloke in the TV advert. That was wicked, but then Dad became a Dad again and stopped us doing it just because some little girl broke her arm or something.

I mean, we didn’t hit her or nothing - one of her friends jumped on her, not us. But Dad kept talking about insurance (like so what?) and how lawyers ruled the world and things, and then we had to go.

Toto said that it was Dad who threw the girl’s friend into the water and that was why we went, but I don’t know – I never saw nothing, cos I’m no grass and he’s family is Tony.

Anyway, after the football we went to McDonalds (another thing Dads do when they’re in Buddy mode – like calling you ‘mate’ and trying to chase after you until they run out of breath and start smoking again).

Dad’s meant to have stopped smoking, but I saw him outside his office when we went on our school trip on a coach and he was definitely smoking and it was definitely him, you know? I’m keeping that to myself though - cos I ain’t no grass and he’s, like, family.

I like the Sopranos - we saw them when we stayed at Nan’s house. She’s my Dad’s Mum, my Mum’s Mum is dead. I think it was in the war or something, least that’s what Toto says and he’s older than me. I guess he means the Iraq one that was on when I was born. That was like really cool, like a computer game or something – Dad kept his old videos and we saw it on Fox last Christmas. Dad says there’s going to be another war with Iraq and that we’ve got to do the job right this time. I don’t really know what that means cos all the films I saw were wicked and we smashed all those Iraq tanks and things to pieces. I don’t know if maybe it took too long or we ran out of time. Toto just laughed at me because I wrote ‘run out of lives’ like it was a real computer game, not a thing on TV. Toto says that the Americans had a cheat where they always had extra lives, but that they were English lives. I don’t get that and he won’t explain. Ever since he started getting fur on his balls he’s been saying things like that, like I’m stupid or something for not understanding what he’s on about, you know? I told him he’s getting to be more of a Dad everyday. He ain’t talking to me now – and I don’t care.

He’s started hanging out with Becky Allen as well. He reckons she’s his girlfriend, but Becky’s sister Kate who’s in my class and plays football with us and is like quite cool for a girl – she looks like Avril Lavigne, who did that song, Skater Boy – well she said that Toto wants to go out with Becky but that Becky wouldn’t let him feel her up or even kiss her with tongues. Kate says Becky's a cockteaser, but she didn’t know what it meant when I asked her. I think that’s what Toto does sometimes, he uses big words so that he looks cleverer than he really is in front of girls – but I don’t reckon he knows what he’s talking about.

I think that’s the worse thing to be, somebody who pretends to be cleverer than they are just to look cool or something. I just asked my Dad and he reckons you call it a ‘Phoney’ – like I didn’t know that. He said John Lennon (that singer from the old days) got shot because someone thought he was a phoney.

Anyway, gotta go to bed now cos Dad’s being a Dad again and still trying to lay that ‘Got to be good for Father Christmas’ stuff on me.

Oh yeah, The other thing I like did today that was sooo cool was to have a look at Toto’s magazines – the ones that he has to hide from Mum and Dad cos they’ve got pictures of German women with no clothes and stuff. Mum would go sooo mad if she knew that Toto had them under his bed in this hole he cut in the carpet like the trapdoor under our tree house. You can’t see it until you get really close, which is hard cos it’s under the bed and you’ve got to take these big drawers out that are full of games Toto used to play when he was a kid and all – Lego and Meccano and shit. I don’t think he ever played with the Meccano, though, cos when Dad gave it to him for Christmas – well we thought it was still Father Christmas then - Dad made Toto sit with him while he made this really big crane that went up and down and swung round. It took my Dad hours and Toto was saying ‘Can I have a go?’ but my Dad was really into it and just kept saying that Toto should watch so that he could do it himself next time. But once my Dad had finished the crane was really big and used nearly every nut and bolt and bit of holey metal and stuff - well he wouldn’t let Toto take it apart in case he couldn’t put it back together the same. All Toto wanted to do was play and make like a tank or a car or something but in the drawer under the bed it’s still like the crane Dad built except Toto bent it all up to fit it in.

Most of the magazines Toto’s got are stuck together cos they were wet when he found them in the park and he had to dry them under his bed. They smelt weird and like bleach and they all seem to have crap stories and pictures of women with no clothes or anything. Toto doesn’t know that I know they’re there, cos it’s meant to be some big lame secret and stuff, but I watched him hiding them in his carpet trapdoor once when I was hiding in his wardrobe and he came into the room. I just kept quiet and he shut his bedroom door and pulled this magazine from out of the back of his cargoes and put it under the carpet. I kept really quiet and snuck out when he went to the bathroom to read one of his other magazines. Most of them are really boring, but I do like FHM and GQ cos they have really interesting stories and things and don’t just have pictures of women sticking their lips out like they’re gonna cry or something.

Anyway, today was really cool cos I nicked the Christmas FHM and GQ magazines and hid them in my bedroom under my PS2 games so that I can read about clothes and gadgets and stuff.

My Dad said that he’ll take me to buy some cool clothes in the January Sales cos I’ve got taller and I’m a lot thinner than Toto so I can’t wear his old stuff - like I’d want to, right? He said that cos I’m ‘taking a serious interest in developing myself via the exciting medium of the World Wide Web he’d like to reward my interest by buying me some of the modern clothing I seem to like.’ Toto asked if that meant I was going to get some cool designer clothes and Dad said ‘certainly - as long as they’re not too dear and will last a while.’

Toto got really pissed off cos all he ever got when he got interested in the internet was this really lame cordless mouse that didn’t even work unless you were behind the computer and everything. It doesn’t really seem that fair cos Toto knows loads more than me about computers and web stuff and that – but that’s Dads isn’t it? Mum would have made sure that they spent exactly the same amount of money on both of us so that we don’t get jealous or anything, but Dad just says things then looks stupid when it doesn’t go quite right.

Panton Monday 23rd December

Cool. Monday morning and no school. I’m going to try and write every morning now cos Mum is giving me hassle about staying up late and getting black rings under my eyes. Don’t hear her saying that to my Dad when he’s been drinking beer with Uncle Terry and ends up throwing up everywhere. He isn’t really my uncle though - just somebody my Dad works with and goes and plays snooker with on a Friday.

That’s something else they do to you when they think you’re still a kid, they tell you all their friends are your aunts and uncles when they just ain’t, you know? It’s like we never did family trees in school did we? It ain’t hard is it? – I tried to explain it to Mum. If Terry was her brother or Dad’s brother then he’d be my uncle. As he isn’t either of them, unless Mum or Dad could have a black brother, which would be hard cos they’re both white, then he isn’t my uncle.

She just told me to stop being clever like my brother (cos he’s sooo very clever with his furry balls).
When I was younger (nine I think) I did ask Terry if he was adopted and if that was how come we were related. But he got funny with me and my Dad told me to apologise – don’t know why, but he always does. Toto says it’s because Terry is adopted and doesn’t know who his Mum and Dad are – but I think he’s just being a phoney again. Mum said it’s just a nice thing to say, calling Terry my uncle, and I do quite like him cos he laughs a lot and has lots of teeth. His son is cool too - he’s called Minto - but he’s 13 and won’t talk to me and always fights with Toto, so he’s my enemy even though I think I like him.
Toto is 14 by the way. He goes to the same school as me but doesn’t talk to me when we’re there, cos it isn’t really cool to be seen with your little brother. He used to be OK, and I guess he is still my best friend even if he’s turning into a phoney, but he doesn’t want to play with me most of the time anymore. I guess I pissed him off one time too many, or maybe he’s just an asshole.
Dad called the man at the garage an asshole, and I quite like that - asshole. He says things like that when my Mum isn’t around and he’s trying to be the cool buddy guy again. Toto laughed and told me that Buddy Guy is a singer who plays guitar and used to play with Elvis (I just found out that Elvis is the one that sang that Little Less Conversation song, and that he isn’t the black guy who does the cool dancing on the DVD. Elvis was some old fat man who died on the toilet. Toto says that he died about 25 years ago – but how can he have made the song?)
Phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck phoney fuck Toto is a foney phuck foney phuck foney phuck foney phuck

Getting bored with this now, going to go play with my WWE wrestlers. My favourite is the Undertaker who is 6 foot 10 inches tall and has been the WWE Champion 4 times (OK, it used to be called the WWF and I don’t think he’s won it since it became WWE after the panda people complained that people thought wrestling had something to do with pandas – doh!). He was the WWE Tag Team Champion 6 times and also the Hardcore Champion, but I don’t remember that. Oh yeah, he won the WCW Tag Team belt as well, but that’s not like a real thing, it’s just where the wrestlers go when they either want a rest because they’re getting too old or they want to get a new image or something. My wrestlers are action figures, which is pretty cool, but Toto rips it out of me if I play with them when he’s around so I tend to hide them in my bedroom until he goes and plays with Becky. Most of my friends play the PS2 game instead, but it isn’t the same. Anyway, when I grow up I’ve decided that if I can’t be in a band like Linkin Park - cos I can’t play guitar or drums or sing or anything and Dad won’t buy me lessons or nothing – or if I can’t even be in Wheatus who Toto said don’t even play their own instruments so it wouldn’t matter if I couldn’t or anything – well I’ve decided that I’m going to be a dodgy estate agent in London even if it is full of foreigners and cockney scummers like Dad says. See, I’ve been reading in Toto’s GQ magazine about the Mini Cooper S which is the coolest car ever – even if James Bond uses a BMW or something, cos it has a 1,598cc four cylinder, 16-valve engine and goes really quick doing 0-60 in 7.2 seconds and has a mad top speed of 135 miles per hour. Which wouldn’t beat many things in Top Trumps or anything, but my Dad says it would feel a lot quicker cos you sit so close to the ground and feel every little bump and stuff like a roller coaster. Like the one in Blackpool where I went with Mum and Uncle Terry when Dad was in France buying cigarettes he doesn’t smoke, and I threw up after we went to Pizza Hut and caught that lame bus that has to follow rails and goes really slow along by the sea.

I really like the red Mini with the white stripes on the bonnet and in GQ they say that they’re going to re-make that old film where the classic really small Minis chase each other around cos they’ve robbed a bank or something. But they’re going to use the new Mini, which is really cool even if it’s foreign now, and the engine is made in Brazil and the Government sold off the family silver like Dad says. I don’t know what that means but I didn’t want him asking me about GQ so I left it. Anyway, in GQ they said that dodgy estate agents in London have all been given a Mini Cooper S for free even though they normally cost £14,500. I’ll write more later if I can think of anything.

Panton Tuesday 24th December

Hiya again. Tutu (my new name for my brother) has been showing me how to make my own cool logo like Sony have – you know, the circles with the square and triangle in them. If I get a mobile phone for Christmas (I don’t think Mum minds cos Tutu has one and she says she feels safer with me having one too, but Dad isn’t into the idea, so I’ll know tomorrow I guess) - well, if I get one, I wanted the Sony sign as the graphic, but now I want to make my own up.

Tutu just told me that I can’t cos you need special computers to do it. Why does he always spoil things?

 

TuTutuTutuTutuTutu foney phuck TutuTutuTutuTututu is so foney, so foney a foney foney phuck.

 

Anyway, my logo is cool. Look,

Panton

OK, it’s not exactly the same, but it’s got my name on it and Sony don’t even have their name on theirs – so mine is better. I’ve done one for Tutu as well,

foneyphuck

Actually, today Toto has been really nice and showed me how to do more with the computer and things. It’s just, I don’t know, you get shown these things at school but they only ever show you the really boring things like Excel and Word and things and then you’re allowed to go on to really boring web sites that are meant to teach you things. I mean, why is it that all things you do at school are sooo boring?

We had to play this car game at school and everyone was talking about how we’re going to play this really cool driving game and we’re all thinking it’s going to be wicked, cos car games usually are and we’re all imagining Grand Theft Auto III or something and when we sit down at the computers the game is shit. Fucking shit. I mean they’re all so foney – foney phucks. If you’re going to get a game that’s meant to teach you something, why does it have to be such a shit game? Couldn’t we have a good game that we like playing, I mean if it’s good for you why does it have to be shit? I mean this car game, right - it didn’t even have a car in it! All you did was drive letters around the screen to make words up – it was like reception class. I told my Dad and he said it’s because educationalists teach because they cannot do, and there are obviously educationalist computer programmers who put these games together. Toto said he means that shit programmers write shit games and only teachers would be stupid enough to buy them

Anyway, I’ve had such a cool time with Toto on the computer today. As well as showing me how to do logos, he showed me how to use a program called Photoshop. I think it must be another one my Dad got from work, and I didn’t really understand it all, but it has this wicked tool that lets you turn pictures into water (Tutu says liquefy) and make them look weird.

I got a picture of Ms Courtney, my English teacher, and made her look really weird. My Dad says she looks like Cherie Blair now. Toto has just shown me how to put a picture in Word - this is really cool!

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Mum has just told us off for playing with Ms Courtney’s picture. She was more angry with Dad though, cos she’d told him to throw away the school calendar we scanned the picture off. Toto thinks it’s really funny, cos he’s been saying for ages that Dad fancied her and that’s why the calendar was on June for six months. Ms Courtney smokes as well, I think that’s why Mum doesn’t like her.

Mum’s got this thing about smoking cos her brother died because he used to smoke a lot and got a cancer that made his hair fall out and made him look really grey and he got thin really quickly. Dad told us that he wasn’t well and that we shouldn’t smoke cigarettes, cos they’re bad for you. Mum told us that they’re really expensive in England and that Dad only used to smoke because they were cheap when he grew up in Spain, but that in England you might as well roll up a five-pound note and burn it. Yeah right – cos you’d do that – doh! I know Toto smokes sometimes and I worry that he’s going to get cancer and his hair will fall out, though he always has it short anyway so I guess it wouldn’t matter much, and anyway he’s a bit fatter than me so it might be good for him. Mum’s always trying to lose weight, but I wouldn’t dare tell her she should smoke – she hates it that much. Toto says that cigarettes make you cool, but I think they just make you smell bad.

Well, tomorrow is Christmas and Mum just told me that I should be making Christmas cards on the computer, not writing my silly blog. Shows how much she knows – I did the cards already (OK Toto helped me, but I messed with the pictures) and all I’ve got to do is print them and I’ve finished. Easypeasy.

Toto was really nice today, not a foneyphuck. I think it was because he hasn’t seen Becky Allen and he doesn’t have to pretend he’s clever.

Panton Wednesday 25th December ********** It’s Christmas! **********

Hiya, Dad said I could write some more of my blog while him and Mum go for a sleep. I think they’ve had too much turkey or something, because they both keep burping and things. Dad said I could go on the computer on my own cos Toto has gone to give Becky a Christmas present he bought from his pocket money. Mum thinks he’s really sweet now, but she doesn’t know that he’d spent his pocket money on cigarettes and that he got the money for Becky’s present from her purse. I told him she’ll kill him if she finds out and he promised to help me use a chat room if I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell him that I wouldn’t anyway. I mean, I ain’t no grass.

Well I got my mobile fone, but it hasn’t got the Wheatus ring tone on it. Toto said he would help me find some free ones on the internet when he gets back. The fone I got is a Saygem myG-5, which is a pay-as-you-go fone with an Orange tariff. It’s really cool cos it’s totally set up for playing games. It is the exact one I wanted and comes with special gaming features (I haven’t found out what they are yet, but the buttons look kind of like a PS1 controller, though I don’t think it will have rumble on it), polyphonic ring tones which Dad said means it’s real music not just one note at a time, and a colour screen which is really bright. It’s just sooo wicked. Best of all it comes with free SMS messages for 3 whole months. I can also use it to go on the internet but Toto says it’s ‘Wap’ which is German for ‘crap’ and that it's just a waste of money. I’ll try it though, just not when he’s hanging around, I guess. I want to get a Linkin Park cover for it next, but I think they cost a lot of money.

Other presents I got were a miniature digital camera from Toto that hangs from a key ring on your belt. He says that you can plug it into our computer and then play with the pictures in Photoshop, but that Dad will have to try and get a lead from work cos the camera hasn’t got one. I think it’s because he stole the camera from the Gadget Shop when we went to Bristol Christmas shopping, but Mum thinks he bought it.

Uncle Terry got me a drum that’s covered in this really bright coloured cloth with lots of beads. I don’t think Dad liked it when Toto and me were pretending to be those blokes from the advert who play the dustbins. Mum said it was a lovely present and that we’d have to write Terry a thank you letter. I think Mum likes Terry like Dad likes Ms Courtney, cos she always seems to act funny when he’s in our house and plays with her hair.

The other present I got was a book from Minto – well not really from Minto, cos his Mum always buys us the present from him and our Mum buys him a present from us. It’s all foney, but the present I got was cool, cos it’s a book called The Worst Case Scenario: Survival Guide and it had loads of really cool information about how you can escape from quicksand or deliver a baby in a taxi or take a punch and things. There’s also a really cool website that lets you email people really funny stuff, like a letter you can use to dump your girlfriend.

Anyway, Toto told us all during dinner that he’d had a wet dream. Mum sent him upstairs and Dad went to have a serious talk with him. I was going to ask Mum what it meant, but she just looked at me and said ‘No’. I know that voice, it’s the one she used to talk to Dad about the school calendar and he didn’t argue with her either. I’ll ask Toto when he gets back

I also got a book about using computerss off Dad and Mum, but why would I read about it when Toto can show me? That makes sense – doh!

It is nice to get presents from Mum and Dad though. When I was younger and didn’t know that Father Christmas didn’t exist (Toto told me to see if I would cry and I did), I was always sad because I thought that Mum and Dad didn’t buy us any Christmas presents even though everybody else did.

Anyway, I’m going to write my thank you letters now.

Panton Thursday 26th December

Hiya. Dad just told me that Boxing Day is the shittiest day of the year as all you get is a hangover and gut-rot from the turkey. I don’t think that’s totally true cos Toto has just come back from Becky’s house and he’s got a love bite all over his neck.

I couldn’t stop laughing - even Mum was asking him if they have food in their house. Dad started trying to find garlic to keep the vampires away too (which was funny the first time he said it, but not by the twentieth – it just got boring and sad by then). Toto doesn’t care though, he’s so cocky about it. It’s really funny to see him so pleased with himself. I had to tell him that my digital camera didn’t work - and I was sooo right – he had stolen it – because when my Mum started saying that he’d have to take it back to the shop and that she was going to Bristol next week and if he gave her the receipt she’d go and complain about it, well, Toto got really shifty. Like when Dad used to keep turning the school calendar back to Ms Courtney not wanting any of us to see or anything – well Toto was like that, just sort of moving from one foot to another like he needed a piss or something. I had to try and keep from laughing though, cos Mum kept telling him to go find the receipt and he sooo obviously hadn’t got one and I knew it all the time but couldn’t say anything.

Anyway, I’ve just realised that the digital camera wasn’t broken at all, it just needed a battery in it and I guess Toto forgot to steal that. I ain’t going to tell him yet though, cos he’s been ragging me about his balls again and that Becky Allen is his girlfriend. He says he did cop a feel and that Kate (her sister) doesn’t know nothing and that she’s stupid and just wants to be a boy. I don’t think she’s stupid - she just likes playing with boys cos she doesn’t like dolls and make-up and things. Toto says that Becky likes playing with boys too.

Kate is cool cos she’s a grunger, you know - a skater chick? And I’m a grunger too, and there aren’t many girl grungers at our school, cos most of them are trendies and rude girls, you know? And they’re really into designer stuff, but Kate is cool cos she wears cargoes and hoodies and likes cool music like Linkin Park and Nirvana, like me.

Anyway, there was some big TV programme about made-up bands that people have to win competitions to get in. I think they’re sooo stupid, I mean like the Popstars one that did that song I used to like before I got into nu-metal, like Linkin Park and Nirvana, though they were Grunge, but now they’re dead I think, except for the one that’s in the Foo Fighters who likes to dress up as women in DVDs and stuff. Anyway, I can’t remember their name but they were the real ones. All these Rivals and Gareth Gates and people, well they’re just pretending to be popstars aren’t they?

They are all so foney, I just hate that foney thing.
Dad says that all music these days is derived from African American slave rhythms and gospel blues music. Toto says it all comes from synthesizers. Mum says she liked the Beatles. I don’t know what any of them are talking about. I know I do like Linkin Park and want Toto to show me how to burn a CD and get songs from the internet, but he’s on his mobile to Becky again who’s been grounded cos she tried to eat Toto’s face, and her Mum saw my Mum in Tesco’s and she told her. It’s so embarrassing that my Mum is a grass. Doesn’t she know that Toto is family and you can’t grass family up, or somebody will wake you up with a gun in your mouth and drive you into a desert and make you dig your own grave in the sand with a shovel then tell you to kneel down in the hole and beat the shit and blood out of you until you’re barely breathing and then fill in the hole even though you aren’t even totally dead yet and then break your fingers with the spade when you try and save yourself by pushing your hand up out of the sand.
Doesn’t she know that she’s going to be a non-person?
I told Toto that Mum is the grass when he stopped slobbering over the fone when he was talking stuff to Becky. He said he doesn’t care cos Becky can come out tomorrow and they’re going to go and see a film or something.

I’m going to Uncle Terry’s party now. Byee!!!

Panton Friday 27th December
Hiya again. I’ve decided to write this in my new WWE notebook as Toto and Becky are on the computer trying to find some slushy film to go and watch. Toto is being really nasty to me today, and it’s only because Mum found out that he was smoking all the time and it’s only because Becky’s Mum saw him and grassed him up as well – but he thinks I told her and won’t believe that Becky’s Mum did it even though Becky said that her Mum did it not me. It ain’t fair and now he says he won’t teach me to use chatrooms and things cos I’m a grass and he hates me. I think he is sooo foney these days, it’s since he met Becky he wants to act like some big man all the time and that I just get in the way. It ain’t fair. Mum and Dad aren’t talking to each other either and it’s all because at Uncle Terry’s party last nite, which I thought was really cool cos Minto’d got an Xbox. He’s cool and would talk to me now that we weren’t at school and it was ok again to talk to me – and we played that all night. It turns out that Minto did pick that cool book for me and I felt sooobad, cos my Mum had got him a really crappy T-Shirt, that Minto wouldn’t be seen buried in, but he was nice and didn’t mention it, you know? But Mum and Dad had a big argument cos Minto’s Dad gave my Mum a present and my Dad didn’t have one to give to Minto’s Mum – Auntie Sheila – and Dad got embarrassed, but it was cool. But when they’d all been drinking Dad got really funny cos Mum kept playing with her hair and giggling a lot when she was talking to Uncle Terry and Dad got the hump and she said he was being childish and that Terry was an attractive man and that my Dad used to be fun but now all he does is try and be cool and that he should act his age cos he ain’t a kid and he might as well wear his cap backwards like Hague who was rubbish, but my Dad thought was really good until they replaced him with someone I can’t remember. They’ve gone now so I can use the computer again and I’m going to play with some chatrooms and stuff Panton Later

Hi again, I thought I would write some more now that Toto has come home. We’ve been playing ‘peedo’ on the chatrooms. This is such a cool game that Toto made up and we’ve been playing for ages. It’s really easy cos all you do is go to one of these chatrooms – they’re like places you can go and talk to people all over the world and Europe and stuff and they can’t see you and you can’t see them but they just want to talk and hang out.

Toto said you’ve got to be really sort of careful when you play in chatrooms - you need to make sure you’re anonymous – which means that people don’t know who you really are so they can’t come round your house and grass on you or kill you for pretending to be their brother and saying that you always hated them and want to kill them and next time you see them you will kick shit out of them and that you’ve been kissing their wife and she likes you and doesn’t like them anymore and you always hated them and their breath smells of pig shit – which is the worst smell ever. We went by a pig farm when we went on the school trip to the cottage in Wales (by Bristol) and I saw Dad smoking, but I told you this.

So Toto showed me how to be anonymous by using another website called Anonymizer or something like that and this sort of pretends that you don’t exist and means nobody can find you, which is really cool when you play Toto’s game cos you have to go to a chat room and pretend that you’re a peedo.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this whole blog thing though now that I ’ve played on the internet a bit more than I had when I was like eight or nine or something. I think that maybe I will put it online after all, cos it seems really cool. Toto said he would help me do a website on like Geocities or something cos it’s free and you can just pick a chat room or some games or something and just add them to your page without having to know what you’re doing. That sounds sooo cool to me and then I can get people to advertise and make some real money.

I wanted to get a paper round last week cos Matthews has one and you can have one if your Mum or Dad sign a bit of paper and then just give it to the man at the paper shop. Matthews was telling everyone that he gets £9 a week just for posting papers through doors and that means he can get a PS2 game every month even if it’s not Christmas or his Birthday or anything. Toto says he’s a faggit – but Matthews told me it’s cos he’s got big bones and not cos he eats a lot. Mum wouldn’t sign the bit of paper though so I’ve got to do the blog after all cos Matthews really boasts and he’s my main enemy now, not Minto.

Panton Saturday 28th December

Man I’ve had like the worst night ever - worse than detention or school or getting kicked off the computer by Toto and Becky or my Dad finding out that I scratched his car with my bike. Worse than Mum finding out that I tried a cigarette I found in Toto’s room with Peter Thomas at the skate park and was sick. Worse than any of them. Worse than having to play netball cos you forgot your kit for gym class. Worse.

Shit. I hate Matthews - hate him hate him hate him. He is sooo my enemy now, I hate the fat prick more than Toto when he’s being really nasty to me again.

It’s Dad’s fault. Dad made me go to Matthews’ house so that he could see Mr Matthews who always smells of fences cos he paints fences - that’s his work and never washes when he comes home.

My Dad wants Mr Matthews to paint our fence. I thought it was really funny when Toto told me, cos that means Matthews’ Dad works for my Dad - it’s not even a proper job or anything. Matthews’ Dad is so lame all he can do is stand in people’s gardens and paint their stupid fences and Matthews is the scratter of the school.

I was going to tell everybody that Matthews was the school scratter and everything and I thought it would be sooo cool, but then it wasn’t cos Mr Matthews told my Dad that Matthews doesn’t have many friends come to his house (like it’s cos he has no friends – doh!) and would my Dad mind if I came across and played with Matthews while they talk about our fence. And my Dad said fucking Yes!!!

I can’t believe that he’d do that to me. Can’t he see that Matthews is the fat freak of the school and nobody likes him and now Matthews thinks we’re bassoon buddies and that he can come to my house and show me how to build a website cos he thinks he’s Mr Website just cos his Dad paid for him to have a domain name and he hasn’t got Geocities or nothing cos his Dad paid for it. That is sooo foney and then we had to go to Matthews’ house and it smelled so bad when we got there and all the time I’m saying to my Dad that I would paint the fence or do anything if only we didn’t have to go to the smelly scratter Matthews’ house. And when we got there it was worse, cos Minto and some of his mates were hanging around and saw us go into the scratter house and saw my Dad talk to Mr Matthews like he was his best friend in the whole world and then Minto sort of waved at me as we went in –I was sooo fucking red.

And then the smell hit me and it smelt of wet fur and piss that had got hot. Like the boys’ toilets at school in winter when they put the radiators on and everybody pisses up the radiator cos they’re so hot the piss just turns to steam and the smell was like that and my eyes were watering and I saw Matthews and I just wanted to cry and he was holding Kate’s hand like they were boyfriend and girlfriend and I didn’t even know they spoke to each other or anything and I had to try and pretend to smile cos my Dad was watching and threatened to ground me if I did anything nasty to Matthews or mentioned the smell of piss.

And then it got worse and worse cos Kate is Matthews’ girlfriend and they kept giggling and holding hands and I saw them both go into the Kitchen at the same time to get a Coke and I could see that fat smelly scratter fuck Matthews kissing Kate with tongues and she was smiling and kissing him back with tongues and I couldn’t see if she let him cop a feel cos the serving hatch was too small, but he looked so smug when they came back with the cokes and then Matthews said that him and Kate were going for a walk to hang out and that we’d have to play together some other time. Like he was doing me this big favour in playing with me and that it wasn’t the other way round and Kate sort of smiled at me like I was the scratty loser not Matthews.

Then I had to stay and listen to my Dad and Mr Matthews talk about fences and sit in the smell of the dog Matthews got for Christmas, even though Kate and the shit faced prick Matthews had taken the dog for a walk. The smell hung in the air and smelt worse than all the shit and piss in the world piled on top and burnt and left to rot.

And the dog is so lame – it’s so small and just smells even after it’s gone and Kate was fussing it and telling it that it was a really good boy cos it didn’t bite Matthews when he put the fucking lead on. As if dogs don’t like going for walks and always bite you when you try to take them for walks and really hate it when you feed them or scratch behind their ears and stuff – cos dogs do that don’t they?

You’re such a stupid bitch Kate and I really liked you but you went out with Matthews and held hands and Minto saw you laughing and saw me crying through the car window when we finally left and now he thinks I’m a kid too and that Matthews is, like, the man.

Matthews is sooo my Number One enemy now. He’s gonna get it, Tony, he’s gonna get it – pop!

Panton Later

I’ve been looking in GQ or it might have been in FHM or Loaded or something (Danny Smith at school got me a copy of Loaded from his brother cos I sort of told him I was writing about magazines and stuff and gave him a programme from Bristol City when they lost to Brentford last year and my Dad took me to the game even though City have a bigger ground than Rovers but we prefer Rovers ‘cos they have really nice pasties even if they play in a Rugby ground and all).

Well, like I said, I saw an advert in whatever magazine it was for www.spytech-uk.com and they’re advertising all these really cool spy gadgets like James Bond uses and stuff. They’ve got this pretend gun that’s used in the new James Bond movie that Dad got on a fake DVD from his mate at work and all and the gun is a Walther PPK 15 shot C02 air pistol and it’s got realistic blowback – so the advert says – and it’s made of metal and not plastic or anything. It costs £78.95, but I don’t know if that includes delivery and post and packaging or anything cos Toto’s on the net at the moment looking for fluffy dogs or something to give to Becky Allen so she’ll snog him when they go to the school disco which is on Valentines day which isn’t until February which is ages away but he’s really into being her boyfriend cos he can cop a feel when he likes and she’is nearly convinced but he wants to get her a pretend dog – cos that will make her wear Kylie shorts and put her arse in his face and stuff won’t it?

The other thing I’ve been investigating is phoney ID cards – so you can go to pubs or buy scratch cards and stuff and have a card that says that you’re a plumber or over 18 or something – I don’t think I could pretend to be 18 or anything, I haven’t even got fluffy balls like Toto and my voice is still really high, but if I can make them then Toto said he’ll sell them at school for me and we could share the money cos we’ll all be happy then – and you can buy a kit to make them for £10 though they don’t kind of stick them in plastic and you have to use Letraset to put peoples names on and stuff. Toto says that Minto would really like one, but I’d probably just give him one for nothing cos I want him to be my friend and he’s really cool since we played X-box together and he never made fun of me crying when he saw me and stuff.

Panton Sunday 29th December

Had a good day today cos Toto finally got round to showing me how to do my own website on Geocities and it’s so cool the way it’s all free and you can just add things like chat rooms and Flash games and I got a really cool fighting game for free from FlashKit.com and it’'s on my homepage now and so far I’ve had like 42 hits, though Toto says that it isn’t a real number cos every time I go there it adds one to the count and I’ve been playing the games all day with Toto and it was probably just us going there, but I don’t care. That fat blubber fuck shit Matthews has only got 127 on his count and people at school all looked at that to see his foney phuck pictures with his bitch minger Mum scrubbed out.

I really like my site though. I put a mouse trailer on it and it’s got these bits that sort of roll around the screen and say my name in those lights they put outside nightclubs like we saw when we went to see Dad’s sister in Spain. She was nice, but didn’t speak English too good, and we had this weird yellow wine and lots of rice and fish and stuff and Mum was sick cos she’s allergic or something. But my site’s really cool, and Toto is gonna find out how to add my blog to it so I can put adverts up and charge people to see it and stuff. Toto made me crack up though when we were doing the settings, cos he put my job as managing director of Sony, and when it asked my pet name (like if you’ve got a dog or something) for the secret security question, he put ‘Toto’ which was really cool of him and he said I was 32 or something cos kids can’t really have Geocities sites or something so you have to pretend you’re someone else and stuff. Like when we play peedo and pretend that we’re cool kids but with puppies and jelly babies that you can only see if you meet us in the woods behind the school and you have to turn up on your own wearing your school uniform so that we’ll know who you are and stuff. I just want to find Matthews in a chat room and make him look sooo stupid and make him turn up with his lame dog and lame girlfriend in the pissing down rain and stand in the cold and wet while me and Toto have a really cool time playing on Geocities or something.

I got another email on my hotmail today too. This one is gonna make Dad really rich cos there’s this man in South Africa who’s got loads of money that was left over from something but he needs help to rescue it from the government. If we help him he’ll share the money with us and we’re both gonna be really rich and stuff. I thought at first it were some sort of con or something, but all they want is a telephone number to ring you on, and so I sent Mr Parkinsen Theod my Dad’s cos I’ve only got my mobile and he needed home and office ones. Here’s Mr Parkinson Theod’s email in case you want to help him too.

Attention:
I presume this email will not be a surprise to you. Am an engineer with the ministry of mineral resources and energy in South Africa and also a member of the contract awarding committee of this ministry under the south Africa government
Many year ago, the south Africa government asked this committee to awards contracts to foregn firms, in which myself and two of my partner are leader of the committee, with our good position in this committee, we over involved this contract to the tune of of us$21,500,000:00, to be benefited by me and two other of my partner that are in charge of this contract awarding committee in this ministry. Now, that the contracts value has been paid off to the actual contractor that executed this job, All we want is a trusted foreign partner like you that we shall front to claim this over involved sum Upon our agreement to carry on this business transaction with you,
the said fund will be share as follow, 75% will be for myself and two others of my partner, 20% will be for you for using your bank account, 5% will be set aside for any expenses that might be incurred by us and you in the process of the document and other formalities that will justify you as the rightful owner of this said fund. You should bear in mind that you will be required to put head together with us, and give this business transaction moral and financially support it required to be successful.
If you are interested and financially capable in handly this business transaction, Kindly reply us through this email address for more details and to let you know what is required of this business transaction to be successful. Also we request your private and office phone number to open communication with you
Your faithfully,
Parkinsen Theod

Later

I am sooo pissed off now, cos for ages and ages I’ve wanted a digital camera so that I can take as many pictures as I want and sort of play with on the computer with Photoshop or Coral or something and for Christmas Toto got me one and I was like ‘cool!’ even though he didn’t get batteries and stole it from the Gadget Shop and stuff and we haven’t got a cable to put the pictures onto the computer and stuff. But I was so happy I’d got the camera and it was really cool and small and went on my key ring and stuff – the one with the chain on so it looks really wicked when I’ve got my hoodie on and my combats and that. Well, I was really happy, even though you can’t really see through the hole so you don’t know if the picture is really what you want or anything until you look at it after – but it’s ok you know. But I’ve just been reading Toto’s FHM and it’s got this little bit about the Moni-me digital camera which is about the same size as the one I got but that you can get it from Amazon for £49.99 and it’s got a proper little screen on the back instead of the silly hole and when I looked on Amazon it looks really cool and makes mine look really lame and comes with all the cables and a book to tell you how to use it and if it don’t work or if you don’t like it when you get it, even though it looks sooo cool in the picture and all, that you can send it back and get your money back which I would like to do with mine so that I could spend the money on the Moni-me camera except that Toto stole it and hasn’t even got a receipt so I’ve got this crappy shitty camera and it’s all his fault and I hate him cos he could’ve got me this one instead of spending all his pocket money on cigarettes and even the money he stole from Mum’s purse which he spent on Becky and her lame necklace, when he could have stolen one of those so easy when we were in House of Fraser in Bristol cos they were on the counter when Mum was trying to find something to make her neck look nice instead of old and like a turkey’s for Uncle Terry’s party and we were hanging around really bored and Toto kept pointing at the women’s underwear and saying that I should buy Kate some cos at least then she’d look like a girl but that was before she became that fat greasy scratter’s girlfriend and I cut her off cos she’s obviously scum if she likes him and not me.

Dad let us watch The Godfather today. That was sooo cool – I think it was better than The Choirboys but not as good as Goodfellas which we watched at Jackie Peterson’s house last Halloween. It was really long though and there was loads of sort of talking and stuff but Dad said it was made a long time ago now and that all the other mafia movies were only copying it and foney cos The Godfather was made by people who were really in the Mafia and were really made men so that if you insulted one or didn’t do what they wanted you to, even if it were really stupid, well all the Mafia people in the world would have to come and kill you with a smile on their face even if they were your brother or Dad or something – they just don’t have any choice.

When I’m older I’m gonna be a made man and then I’m gonna find that schmuck Matthews and blow his freakin head off, cos he’s like sooo shit and smelly and scratty and his dog should be buried under a motorway or taken into the desert and cut up into loads of little pieces. Toto thinks I should beat Matthews up and go out with Kate cos Becky doesn’t like Matthews cos he smells of piss. Toto makes me laugh when he talks like that and I don’t think Becky really said that I just think he says things sometimes just to make me laugh – but that’s cool. He doesn’t have to.

We’ve got a plan though cos Matthews is now Toto’s enemy too cos he’s my brother and we got blood.

 

Toto is gonna show me more stuff on the computer tomorrow which is part of the plan to piss off scratty Matthews.

Panton Later Still

Oh man, just had the weirdest thing, I caught my Dad with his own copy of GQ cos first of all I thought it was the one I borrowed off Toto and that my Dad had come across it when he was shaking down my bedroom and got to my sock drawer. The music got all slow and heavy like that Wagner bloke from Germany that they make us listen to in Music at school and all, like they play when the bad Nazi guy played by Michael York or someone is searching for the escaped prisoners or Jewish people like Anne Frank and they’re hiding in the loft and the mother is holding the baby and has to smother it with a tea towel to stop it crying and giving away their hidey-hole to the bad guy who finds them in the end anyway, cos even though the mother had to kill her baby one of the others knocks over a lamp or a book or something and gives them away and then it’s only the young girl who might have been Anne Frank or someone else, I can’t remember who, but she escapes and stuff and meets up with gypsies in the mountains – but maybe that was Heidi or something. Anyway, I thought it must have been that GQ, but I guessed it wasn’t when I saw that the pages opened really easy and it didn’t look like it had been dried out or anything.

But anyway, I just went into the garage to try and find my football boots cos I like got asked to play for a footie team who are cool, but some of my friends from school like Pete and Jack and Tommy and that all play for it, and this year they’re like loads better than they used to be and have won some games and all. Well Pete’s Dad runs the team and like Pete and Jack were giving me grief cos they want a sort of Steven Gerrard ball winner in the middle of the park who can spray the ball about and cover every inch of the park and every blade of grass and I’m the only one they know who can kick the ball over the half way line from a goal kick and don’t mind kicking people and all so they asked me to play for them and go to their practice, but you’ve got to wear proper boots and shinnies and stuff and the last time I saw them they were in the garage so I went there and found my Dad with his trousers down reading GQ.

Now I know that sounds weird, but my Dad often takes his trousers off in the garage cos there are loads of weird old chemicals from the man who used to live in our house before he died of his heart breaking cos his wife died and his kids had run away from home years ago cos he was boring or nasty to them or something. Well anyway, he left loads of really old chemicals and Dad doesn’t want to get them on his clothes so he takes his trousers off. Like Mum is always telling him to wear old clothes, but he goes to the garage whenever Mum is out or something so he probably doesn’t have time to change or nothing.

Anyway, what was really freaky was that my Dad looked embarrassed and put his jeans on and just walked out of the garage and went back to the house, leaving me in the garage on my own with all the poisons and stuff, which he normally just doesn’t do ever! Anyway, I thought I’d have a look at his copy of GQ and it fell open at the back which is where they have the cool adverts and stuff and the bit where Toto sort of rings in biro all the bits that mention Skunk and Hydroponics and www.blunt.co.uk and all – which I think are kind of druggie things and which Toto pretends he knows lots about but is just being really foney again. Anyway, I noticed that one of the adverts was ringed in biro, but it wasn’t like the ones Toto does for magic mushrooms or anything, but it was for these special Blue V pills which cost like £29.99 inc. P&P for eight – which is really expensive each.

Now at first I thought that Toto had rung it with a biro, but thinking about it, this didn’t make sense. Anyway, I asked Toto later what these V pills were for and he said that they were a pretend version of Viagra which old people and saddos and that use cos they can’t get their dicks hard. He said it was kind of like the stallion cream from Anne Summers parties Mum used to do where they had all those vibrating dicks called dildos that were like really stupidly big and moved around on their own and stuff.

Anyway, I think maybe my Dad was going to buy them or something, but when I asked Mum she just went a bit pale and told me I’ve got the wrong idea and that they were probably vitamins or something – and looking at the advert it doesn’t actually mention Viagra or stuff, so I don’t know.

Anyway, I got this email today so I’m gonna forward it to Dad.

Panton

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Monday 30th December

Oh man we’ve done it now. Man oh man oh man. God, we’ve really done it, really, really gone for it in sooo big a way – shit. Can’t believe it, I really can’t believe that we pulled it off. Man this is sooo very cool. So cool so cool so coool!!!!

See it all started this morning when scratty Mr Matty turned up to do our fence. Me and Toto we were playing football in the garden – Toto always wants to be Beckham – and he’s got like the coolest free-kick and clothes and stuff – but I always want to be like Steven Gerrard cos he’s sooo much a better player even if he is really weird looking. He stamps on people and stuff if he gets sent off whereas Beckham always gets sent off for really foney stuff like just sticking his leg out and not even kicking people hard or anything. So we’re playing Beckham v Gerrard one-on-one, and I’m really murdering Toto 17-3 cos he’s not really very good at football or anything even though he thinks he’s king kiddie and should be a professional even though he’s only 14 and Wayne Rooney had been playing 10 years by then and he’s good even if he plays for Everton and they’re Liverpool’s (who Steven Gerrard plays for) biggest enemies cos they both live near the same park and probably have fights all the time and stuff.

Well, Mr Scratty turned up and started painting the fence and stuff this really bad green colour that Mum had picked, that looks like camouflage when Mr Tatty puts it on cos it’s all in funny patches, and Dad isn’t really happy about it or anything and wishes that he’d got somebody else to do it even if they cost more than Scrattyman. Cos Dad pretended to be his big buddy he can’t tell him to go away now and has to keep giving him little bottles of Stella which he bought in France when he went to buy thousands of cigarettes cheap that Dad says he doesn’t smoke anymore even though he won’t give them to Uncle Terry to sell like Mum says he should, and Tattyman drinks them even though it’s really cold and damp and a really dumb kind of time to paint anything- even I know that.

Anyway, me and Toto are pretending to still be playing oneon-one but really we’re watching Mr Matthews in case we can find out something that would let us get our revenge served cold against his smelly shitty son. Well Mr Smelly starts boasting about how their dog is this great guard dog and how it will stop people trying to get into their house and try and like rob stuff. Toto kept laughing at this and saying quietly to me that a burglar would have to be mad to try and rob the Scratty house ‘cos all they’ve got to steal are fuckin fleas and shit. I was trying not to laugh, but Mr Matthews kept on about this dog been really fierce and better than a Doberman or Pit Bull or something, cos people don’t think that they should be scared of it, but that it’s really fierce if it doesn’t know you.

Anyway, he kept on and on and then suddenly I had an idea and Toto had the same idea at the same time and we just looked at each other and went ‘Yeah!’ – cos we knew how to get back at the smelly fucker Matthews family.

Anyway, Toto started being really sneaky and asking Mr Matthews about the shit stinking dog and where they kept it when everyone was out and stuff – and Scrattymatty never thought anything of it and didn’t have a clue or nothing.

Anyway, we told Dad that we were going the park cos the smell in the garden was really bad – and he looked at Toto to see if he was taking the piss out of Mr Smelly and that, but Toto just looked sort of angelic and said that the paint smell was making me cough and he thought it would be a healthier option for us to continue our game in the unsullied air of our local recreational facilities. My Dad thought he was just trying to be clever again, but he let us go cos he probably wants to go to the shed where he keeps the school calendar again. Anyway, he didn’t stop us and he didn’t notice that we left the football in the bushes by the front gate and he just went and got Mr Whiffy another Stella and talked to him cos you could see he felt like he should.

Later on we went to our tree house – I told you about it – the one we never got round to putting in a tree and it’s sort of fallen to bits, but it’s got this trap door that when you open it all you see is dead grass, cos we never dug a hole or nothing? Well, we started digging the hole and cos the ground’s really light and Toto stole a spade we sort of got it to about 25 centimetres deep, which wasn’t enough to put the dog in even with it being in a Head bag we found on the side of the railway and all – but we piled loads of boxes and stuff on top of it and covered it with branches and grass so that it didn’t look new or anything. See, our idea had been to get Matthews’ smelly dog and tie it up and then make out that their great guard dog had been stolen. Toto wanted to steal the clanger off their burglar alarm as well, but it’s on the front of the house and people would’ve seen him and stuff, so we just took the dog, which was really easy cos it was as stupid as the rest of the family and just followed us when Toto whistled - doh!

The only problem was that the dog got killed when we threw it on the railway line and the train hit it.

Panton Later

I sooo want a Slam Man it looks sooo cool. In Toto’s magazine it says they’re the size of a person except they’ve got no arms and instead of legs they’re like weebles and won’t fall down. You can program its computer with different boxing moves and then red lights flash up where you should hit it. There are five red lights on the tummy and three on the face and it looks sooo cool cos it’s all blue and black apart from the lights and you can really hit it as hard as you want and pretend it’is your worst enemy and they can’t do nothing to stop you just hitting and hitting and kicking and hitting them over and over and you could get a baseball bat and crack them over the head and it could be that fat fuck Matthews. I hate him. I could creep up and hit him over the head with a shovel or a lead pipe in the conservatory and it wouldn’t matter, nobody would ever know or tell me off cos it’s not real but it would still feel sooo good and get me fit like a kick boxer by practising hitting and pretending it is that fat slobby smelly scratter and it’ll probably help me win fights at school and stuff. It doesn’t say, but it looks like it would.

Man if I had like £300 or if Toto could get one in his jacket when we go to Bristol that would be sooo cool. But I don’t know how big a box a Slam Man comes in. It would be worth getting because it says it will give you ‘an aerobic/muscle-toning workout at the same time’ which I guess is good. I could put my cap on it too if I had it in the corner of my bedroom, cos I can never find it and stuff.

Panton Tuesday 31st December
I’m doing this bit in my WWE pad cos it’s top secret. See, me and Toto had a big secret powwow about what to do about the smelly’s dead dog and whether we should grass ourselves up or just ignore it, like in Goodfellas when Joe Pesci kills somebody for looking at him funny and then goes and kills their wife and children and friends and mother and father and all their cousins and friends and all their families just to make sure that they don’t come and get their revenge, warm or cold. The way I figure it is this - if we said that it just followed us when we were crossing the railway and then we’d panicked and buried it under our tree house, we could probably blag our way out of it even if people thought we were really trying to hurt the dog, which we weren’t. It was just an accident, and as long as Mr Smelly doesn’t think about Toto’s questions and stuff and put two and two together (like he could - thick shit bastard wanker) and get anything at all – then we should be OK.
But Toto thinks we should go the extra step and really rub it in with Matthews cos he’s our enemy and he stole my girl and he’s got to be made to pay until there’s nobody left standing. Toto reckons we should be really clever and go in for psychological warfare and see if we can punish their whole family and make them come to bits at the seams and hate each other and want to die. Which sounds cool and he says that he’s got a plan so I think we’ll try it his way.
Toto’s plan is really nasty and really simple and really, really cool. I’m so glad that he’s like on my side and my friend again, even if it’s only cos Becky gets on his case about Kate coming home smelling of dogs and shit.
What he thinks we should do then, is pretend that we’ve kidnapped the dog and that nothing has happened to it and send them a ransom note and a lock of its fur so that they know that we mean business cos we’re the mob. At first he wanted to cut the dog’s head off and leave it in Matthews’ bed, but I didn’t want to cut a dead dog’s head off even if it is a mafia initiation and I don’t think Toto really did either. We didn’t have a big enough knife anyway.
Anyway, we’ve went on the computer again and Toto showed me how to make a ransom note so that nobody can know who wrote it. Panton