Confessions of a Girl by Jessica Diamond - HTML preview

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A Note from the author:

The reason I called this book, my first book, Confessions Of A Girl, is that this book will take you on a journey into my mind and see what it is that I feel, or have felt at the time of writing that paritcular piece. It is my way of confessing my wrong doings on paper without saying specifically what I did, as well as releasing some built up anger for one person in particular.

For most people, this is nothing but words on a page, however, what makes poetry good, dispite the content, is the feelings behind it...If there is feeling, genuine emotion, put behind the words it makes the piece special and important. When you lack emotion it's simply words. As I wrote each peice there was a lot of emotion, and many tears, and that is why this is my book of Confessions.

This book is very personal to me as it covers a lot of my life, choices I made, things I felt, and people who were and are important to me. My hope is that some of the people who read this will be able to relate to my book and see that although we make mistakes as human beings, it doesn't have be something that holds us back in life or make us weak. We as humans are supposed to learn from our mistakes and change what we are doing to be a better person. For some of us, that means changing our identity and starting fresh, for others it means waiting for that right person to walk into our lives and make us see our mistakes and want to change so that we don't lose what we have in our lives at the present time, and for some, it's a little of everything, as was the case for me.

I thank you in advance for reading my words and taking the journey into the personal side of my life. I hope you enjoy what you find here and please feel free to leave me comments and as always, don't forget to visit the website (http://4einc.info) and see all that we have to offer.
Mr. Wrong 12/05/06

I was fine before you walked into my life
Funny how now I only want to talk to you with a knife You're my past and that's where you belong Cause you, in fact, were Mr. Wrong
You tried to make me happy but you didn't All I did was keep my misery hidden
I tried to please you
But you walked on me, like a mat with a shoe I tried to change
But inside it felt strange
That's okay cause you're my past
And you're my last
I'm done with being sad
Done with being bad
I found somebody great
It must have been fate
He lives so close to me
I don't know how I couldn't see
That love was right around the bend
And all my honour he would defend
I loved you back then
Now I know what's real, amen
You were Mr. Wrong and now I have Mr. Right His love is so bright
He is my everything, my all
And will never let me fall
I love him so

And I'll never ever let him go. Count My Blessings 12/06/06

Sittin here lookin at the screen
Wishin I could wipe the slate clean
Thinkin about the past and what was lost
Thinkin about everything it cost
The price I paid for being stupid
By looking everywhere for cupid
Finding it in all the wrong places
Knowing that I have to look into their faces
Seeing their hurt
Thinkin of myself as nothing but dirt
Why I went the way I did I'll never know
Cause lookin back I know it was low
So here I sit time after time
Knowin what I did was a crime
Cryin a million tears
Feels like I've been cryin for years
Don't know why I'm still alive
Or how, mentally, I survive
I hate myself for all I've done
How could I have thought I was having fun?
Sittin here lookin at the screen
Wishin I could wipe the slate clean
Not sure why you love me
At times I think you should be free
Of my stupidity and past
That you should just run really fast
And find a life that's better than what I can give
To find a place of happiness to live
Because you deserve the best
And I feel like I just make you stressed
Yet I'm grateful that you're in my life today

And count my blessings every day. One & Only 12/06/06

The tears, they will not stop
My heart sinks and I feel it drop
It's like I'm not human anymore
Like the sand upon an ocean shore I fade away without notice or care Wondering how this life can be fair My cheeks stained by the tears
That have been falling for years
The unhappiness I feel inside
I feel as though I have died
Forgotten by the world around me Nobody to hear my quiet plea
To be loved for once in my life
To know what it's like to be a wife To raise a family of my own
To be acknowledged and known Yet here I sit, alone and crying
Telling myself to stop lying
My life will never be good
'Cause I'll forever be misunderstood Still, these tears will not stop
I'm so tired I just want to drop
Into a heap on the floor
Of life, I'm wanting more
But I know better
So I'll just sit here and write my letter My note for the end
Knowing that truly I was without a friend 'Cause this life gets lonely
When you're the one and only.
My Cry 12/07/06

Lookin for somethin good in life
So I can forget the knife
I hold in my hand
But I feel like you don't understand
The way I feel, each and every day
All I want is for you to stay
To never leave me alone
'Cause my world is a cyclone
Spinnin out of control
And I'm not feeling whole
I'm not all here
And I have lots to fear
So here I am again looking for something good Tryin to figure out what I did
To have a life so full of pain
Lookin outside and all I see is rain
Why can't my life be sunny?
Why can't I just have money?
Why can't I make it all work out?
And why does my mind have to be full of doubt? All I want is to find a life that's happy
And trade in this one that's crappy
I'm tired of being sad
Tired of being told I'm bad
I'm tired of being afraid
Tired of lookin at this damn blade
Just take it away from me
Let me be free from this life
Let me put down this knife
Help me please
Take my hand and give it a squeeze
So that I know you're there
And that for me you care
This is my cry
For help before I say goodbye.
Free 01/03/07

You think you're so hot
But really you're not
You think you're always right
When you really only want to fight
You push me this way and that
Tellin me that I'm nothin but a rat
Like I'm somethin you can get rid of in a flash
Like a bat to my skull; dead with one fatal bash
Too bad I ain't goin out like that
To you I'm nothin but a brat
Too bad you can't eliminate me
And have your mind be free
Cause deep down I don't think you wanted this baby girl
Then it was too late cause your world was in a whirl
Now here we are 20 plus years later in the same spot
You still think you're oh so hot
And I'm still the knife in your back
Cause a life is what you lack
Blaming everybody but yourself
Thinkin you're like something glass sittin on a shelf
Something to look at and do nothin with
Living as if your life were a myth
I hate you and you don't even know
That you're a reason why my confidence is low
Back off bitch and get outta my view
This is my time to shine; it's my debut
4E Inc is gonna take me far
And to my husband I'm already a star
Too bad that's somethin you can't see

That's okay, cause now of you I am free. Takin My Bow 01/03/07

Look at me
Sittin all pretty yet you don't see
The fact that I'm doin somethin with my life
Other than sittin here simply being somebodys wife I'm having fun
Instead of assuming my life is done
I'm better than you
And there's nothing you can say or do
To make me think otherwise
Cause I'm sick of your fuckin lies
Tellin me I'm good when you don't believe I am Your words are nothing but a scam
You hate me being alive
Yet here I am struggling to survive
Just me and my man
Cause he's my number one fan
Too bad you wanted her more than me
You can deny it but in your eyes I see
That the dead is better than the living to you
And deep down you know it's true
Not once when I was little did you tell me that I was pretty What a pity
Your loss not mine
Your shit makes for good rhyme
So look at me now
As I stand here happily and take my bow.
Bridal Dream 01/04/07

I'm waiting for the day
When I can finally say
That I'm a married woman
And that my husband is my number 1 fan 'Cause at the moment it's only a dream At times I just want to scream
Fearing this will never happen for me Yet in my mind it's allI see
Wanting to wear that white gown
And feel like the queen of the town To have flowers all around
To have bubbles blowin' from the ground The perfect wedding that's what I want But bad dreams haunt
Me every day
Thinking, knowing I'll never see it that way What can I say, it's every girls dream To be a bride and beam
Beautiful for the world to see
And know she's all she can be
I dream of being a bride
By the ocean and crashing tide
The warmth of the sun
For my day to finally come
But for me it will never be that way It's a dream, that's all I can say.
Deceive 01/10/07

You look at me but you don't see
The fact that I am not gonna let it be
You look at me and see somebody who can be fooled But here my anger has pooled
I am not somebody you can deceive
Whether or not you choose to believe
I will not stand for that
If need be I will go into combat
With words spoken loudly
And you had better believe they will be spoken proudly 'Cause there's one thing I cannot stand
And that's a person who has a demand
That makes another feel bad
And makes them cry because they're sad
I am not somebody you can deceive
Whether or not you choose to believe
I know what was said
And I know that tears were shed
Tonight I sit here pissed
Partly wanting not to exist
'Cause what you did hurt
To know that with her you did flirt
You think I don't know
But you're wrong and that was low
Sayin what you did to her
In my head it's all a blur
And you look at me but you don't see
The fact that I am not gonna let it be
'Cause I'm not somebody that you can deceive Whether or not you choose to believe.

Flowers Of Blue 01/14/07 Also featured in "The Beginning"

You tell me you have something for me But I have to wait and see
Sitting there I wonder what it could be
What could you possibly have planned for me You say you need to make a quick stop As there's something you need to shop For that will make me cry
You're right, not a word of a lie
I was crying inside
But the outside tears I did hide
To my surprise, flowers of blue
I sat and wondered, could this be true
Could he really be this sweet
My insides so full of heat
Passion for this man beside me
Who is my prince, here to set me free
These flowers of blue full of life
Making me want to be his wife
'Cause you make everything right
Even though I momentarily lost sight
Of that a few nights ago
But you're my life, my beau
My world and my all
I know if ever I should fall
That I can find comfort in your embrace And find your love staring me in the face Thank you for everything, for my flowers of blue But most of all, thank you for just being you. I'm Free 02/09/07

You used me for your own joy
To you I was nothing more than a toy
You found joy while I found pain
But inside I hoped I had something to gain
I may have had things to learn
But my mind was focussed on the burn
Thinking about what I could do for you
To please you and tell myself that I was happy too That life was nothing more than a lie
In the end making me want to just give up and die Never knowing the meaning of love that was true Doomed to be forever blue
That life is no more
'Cause I'm sick of being your whore
Now I stay in the arms of one man
Who has shown me true love and who is my number one fan To him I cannot ever repay
All the thanks I've owed him since that October day No more do I have to fear
I'm free now to stand up and cheer.

Jessica Diamond Family Life 02/09/07

Always alone, never hearing a sound
Laying in a heap upon the ground
Crying, trying to understand why
Inside I feel I should die
Hating myself and all I stand for
Yet I know you're shit and I'll go back for more Unable to stop 'cause it's what I feel I deserve Feeling like shit, there's nothing left of me to preserve I'm a horrible person but nobody can see
That life would be better off without me
I'm this and that, that's all I hear
No wonder my mind's full of fear
You constantly tell me I'm no good
Never once been treated like a girl should
You never told me I was pretty or nice
Like a gambler, I just have to roll the dice
Hope for a good day whenyou don't call me a name Always wishing I wouldn't bring you shame
But I'll never be teh one you want deep down So I'll forever walk with a frown
Upon my face looking so sad
'Cause I know I'm nothing but bad.

Jessica Diamond Why 02/09/07

Why can't I be normal
Why couldn't I have gone to the formal
Why did I turn to food so long ago
Why didn't I know
That later in life it would make things worse
That it'd end up being my curse
Growing up a big girl
Watching my life spin and twirl
Knowing people didn't like me 'cause I was big
Being teased, hearing I was like a big rig
And that I should have a sign "Caution wide load"
"you're ugly", "you're fat" that's what I was told
Doomed to a life of low self-esteem and confidence 'cause of you Bet you never thought that's what your words would do Years later, I'm still a big girl
Still feel like I'm a the tilt-a-whirl
Watching my life spin 'round
As I lay crying upon the ground
Still wondering why
Wishing my life wasn't passing me by Why can't I be good just once in my life So I can stop thinking about that knife And how to end it all

So that no longer I will fall.

 

Jessica Diamond Your Slave 03/03/2007

I am your slave, by not by choice
I am your slave cause I have no voice
I'm your puppet, you pull on my strings
And happiness is what it brings
But not to me, only to you
Because I can't do nothing without you
You made sure of that years ago
My low confidence is how I know
That I am your slave
And that I will always dig my own grave
There is no help for me
Cause darkness is all that I can see
You say that for me you want what's best But I think that would be if I were to eternally rest I bring you nothing but shame
And a big part of you is to blame
Never good enough for you
That much is true
Cause I'm not the one you favour nor will I ever be Everything you do allows me to see
That I am merely dirt at your feet
So inside I shall never be complete.

Jessica Diamond Back In The Day 03/11/07

Back in the day I didn't know
That the life wasn't just for show
Some embrace it as their life
And some won't marry a wife
Unless she's down with that
And the life don't care if you're fat
Or thin, black or white
Some say that life ain't right
But when that's what you feel you deserve deep inside And you realise that you have nowhere else to hide Then you embrace a life of danger
By seeking the pleasure of a stranger
But I didn't know
Just how far I would go
No cares in the world
'Cause my cries could not be heard
Chains and lealther restraining me
What a sight for you to see
I gave in to you time and time again in the dead of night Offering little to no fight
Back then I didn't know what else to do
But take that shit from you
How wrong I was to take part in that type of life Knowing how back then it was my knife
It was my slow suicide
Since I had noone in whome I could confide
Back in the day I was the worlds slave
But now I know that's no way to behave
Forgive me ... please!
A New Leaf 03/11/07

No cares for myself
My heart put in a box on a shelf
My soul had died
And daily I lied
Nobody knew what I did
Inside I was just a kid
Not caring what happened to me
Just wanting to be left alone to be
Free to do what I wanted day in and day out
While inside all I did was shout
Not likely where I was going but unable to stop My life was a complete flop
But you were nowhere in sight
So inside I continued to fight
No love from home
So out in the world I began to roam
Trying to find love yet looking for pain
Feeling as if someday there'd be no more rain Hoping for a better life
Hoping to someday be a normal wife
But I moved my heart so far away
That to me I'd never see that day
Now I'm a new person with a new heart and mind 'Cause now I have the best find
A husband who loves me and doesn't care 'bout my past And says our love will always last.
Day At The Beach 03/15/07

It's supposed to be a day of having fun
Out laughin and enjoying the sun
But to you I'm just your whale
That's right, I'm determined to fail
To be abosolutely nothing in your eyes
As if that's really a big surprise
All my life I've been told I'm nothing so why should that change I know I'm nothing but strange
I'm not like the other girls you see
Hell, I'm nothing you want me to be
So this day in the sun is just a joke
Just like my dreams, they've all gone up in smoke
You look at me like I'm a freak
And I feel as though I should not speak
'Cause every word I say comes out all wrong
And I don't feel as though I truly belong
In this world alongside the likes of you
So perhaps I should just bid this world adieu
Say my time here is done
But it's time for me to run
To find joy above the clouds in the forever glow of light
Where things can finally be right
Yet here I lay thinking on this day at the beach
That we're wrong for each other 'cause this only gives you a reason to preach To make me your posession so you can change me
But I'm not a child, you can't just put me over your knee
I'm an adult and I should be somebody who matters to you
Unfortuantely that's something we both knew
Would never happen 'cause to that you'll never admit
So here's to life, cheers, I Quit!
Your Call 03/21/07

All this time I thought we were meant to be
Now I'm wondering if I'm blind and that's why I can't see I hate how this is turning out
'Cause you're making me so full of doubt
But I guess it's me
It's how I'll always be
I'm no good for you, I'm no good at all
Every time I try I hit the wall
I fail at all I try
Sometimes I think it'd be better if I'd just die
Sittin here thinkin about you
I'm the one who's angry and blue
Perfectly matched that's what I thought we were Thought we'd be together for sure
But now that looks like nothing but a dream
Like a deer I'm caught in that light beam
My life flashes before my eyes
'Cause I filled my mind with all these lies
Guess we weren't meant to be after all
Then again it's always been your call.

Jessica Diamond * untitled * 03/22/07

Sittin here, wonderin what to do
Can't help thinkin I'm not right for you
Nothing makes me happy right now
Possibly cause I feel like a cow
Feelin all ugly and pathetic as can be
Wishin inside I could just be free
But I'm trapped in a place I don't wish to be in
Wishin that just once I could win
So why would you want someone like me
Someone who's been through school but has no degree I'm not smart, can't offer you much
The only thing I can do is offer a warm touch
To love you for all that you are
Even if it's simply loving you from afar
I'm poor in life, yet rich in love
Is that why I feel I'd be better up above
Dead to everybody here
So that I don't have to live another pathetic year
So that I don't have to continue thinkin that I'm not right for you So that in some way I can say I'm just a person you knew How can I be all that you want me to be
When in my heart, in some small way, it hurts me to see That really and truly you need me as much as I need you.

Jessica Diamond Dream No More 04/15/07

You told me I could do anything And one of my dreams was a ring
But it will never be
That life is not meant for me
Always an issue with cash
Nothing to save 'cause it's gone in a flash
Wanting my dreams to come true
Wanting a life with you
Yet it seems it shall never be
'Cause this life comes with a fee
And I shall dream no more
Simply cry in a heap upon the floor
I have nothing to give
No real reason to live
For nothing makes me happy
And my life is nothing but crappy
Destined to stay in hell forever
Because I'm not that clever
I have no school smarts
My life's divided into parts
None of which are good
I hide beneath my hood
And cry because I can dream no more.

Jessica Diamond Goodbye 04/26/07

Once you were mine
Once you made me shine
But now you're no more
How I long for you in my core To once again be in me
To let me see
That life can be great
That I found my life mate
I wish that you were here
And that I was without fear
But I guess this is best
For now my body simply needs rest How happy the thought made me Knowing what the future would be Now I think of the loss
But you are the boss
And I guess the time was not right So why bother trying to fight
Wait for a better time
Then we can shine
Together as one
So that the future will be fun
And all our dreams will come to be But for now I say goodbye to thee.

Jessica Diamond

 

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