Colonel's Book of Jokes and Trivia by Alok Kumar - HTML preview

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3. Being screwed by a lawyer

So next time when u go for an interview be prepared for this question....

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Story I

E: Do you have a boyfriend?

C: I have.

E: Is he working Locally?

C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!

C: Why?

E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II

E: Any girl friends?

C: No.

E: So far chased any before?

C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?

C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This Personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.

C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III

E: Any girlfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?

C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.

C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

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E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My Company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?

C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?

C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V

E: Any girlfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?

C: No. Have a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a

"grasshopper"!

(Job hoper lah!)

Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?

C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII

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E: Any boyfriends?

C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?

C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!

C: But, there is no position in his company.

E: Then, what is your qualification?

C: Secretary!

E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect your managers' working spirits.

C: But, I am not pretty at all.

E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you!!

Lessons of Logic

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

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One should love animals. They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

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The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, the 103

more you forget the more you forget, the less you know So Why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say...

MISS WORLD Questions

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: Because it stands ever y time it sees a woman..........................

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening....

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question: How can you say so?

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Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth......

(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!) Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.

Question: How can you say so?Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.....

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!) Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like laborers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because it works day and night......

(Applause! Applause! Applause!

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft............................

(Applause! Applause! L aughter! L aughter! Applause! ) Question: Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).

Question: How can you say so?

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Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over

(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!) Go through the mail below and find out if you are having the right dosage of the medicine as prescribed by the doctor.

PROPER DOSAGE OF VIAGARA

WITH A NEW GIRL FRIEND - NO NEED

WITH A OLD GIRL FRIEND - HALF A TABLET

WITH MISTRESS - ONE TABLET

WITH WIFE - TWO TABLETS+BLUFILM+BEER+RUM+WILLPOWER.

Tourists at Niagara Falls

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20

supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?”

Interesting

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"

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W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."

W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the2003 models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price .. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this 107

Cell phone belongs to???"

Where is GOD?????

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having Exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last

approach: she took them to

the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated

the

question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no

ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned

preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the

door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD

and they're BLAMING

US!"

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Yo u s h o u l d b e s u re t h e p e r s o n i s S a rd a r w h e n h e : Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.

Gets stabbed in a shoot-out

Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it

Tries to drown a fish in waters

Thinks socialism means partying

Trips over a cordless phone

Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts

"Sagittarius."

Studies for a blood test and fails

Sells the car for gas money

Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.

Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home

Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor What a kid…

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asks,will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? "Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says,

"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think 109

that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot and then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

"Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Marines could blow his ass to Kingdom Come."

I am a good boy ……. God help me

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

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Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4

I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND

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THE BIKE.

Signed

YOU KNOW WHO

A sardarni in New York went to a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother in India.

The phirangi guy told her it would cost $100 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money! But I would do anything to make a call to my mother in Punjab-India!”

The man arched an eyebrow and asked: "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!" promises the sardarni. With that, the man said, "Follow me", walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

Then he said, "Unzip me." She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well...go ahead damn it!”

The Sardarni slowly brought her lips closer, and screamed loudly,

"Hello...MUMMYJEE????”

Blondes are forever

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston 112

and I'm staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.”

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her, first class isn't going to Houston.” A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro and asked all the students to introduce themselves with their name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their intro."

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub."

Teacher was confused to listen and said "Interesting! Well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby.

And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John."

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Second boy: "Myself peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub"

Teacher now got surprised and said " Gooodd. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next"

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub "

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next"

This continues, and the last boy stands up : "I'm Henry, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub "

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you ingrown boys for long. Any way, now the girls please"

First girl: "I'm July and my hobby is to see birds".

Teacher: "Gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok next"

Second: "I'm ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher: "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl

... Yes you"

The most beautiful girl of the class:

“Mam, my name is Bubbles, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.”

FUNNY!??????

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give to me?”

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

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The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me.”

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one.” Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!” Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Colin Powell.”

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!”

MAY GOD BE WITH US ALL DURING THIS ELECTION.

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Bill Gates and his new wife:

Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed.

Apparently things didn't work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and rather annoyed she said: "Now I know why your company is called what it's called!" (MICRO & SOFT) 10 Weddings

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new 116

husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

"What?" said the puzzled groom "How can that be if you've been married ten times before?”

"Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband no. 2 was in Software Support, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband no. 3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband no. 6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband no. 7 was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband no. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband no. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was keep looking at it.

Husband no. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!”

"Good" said the husband, "but why?”

"You're a Tax Man. This time I KNOW I'm screwed’

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Just to keep you going

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said,

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

I hope everybody agree to these facts listed below: Story 1:

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave, 118

lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken” Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you” Fox: "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws will only destroy it even more”

Lion: "Oh no, give it to me and it will be fixed” Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”

Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed” The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch, which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you” Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV” Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?” The lion goes into his cave and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene:

Inside the lion's cave: In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral:

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS, LOOKAT THE

119

WORKOF HIS SUBORDINATES.

In the context of the working world:

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS

PROMOTED, LOOKAT THE WORKOF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Story: 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?”

Rabbit: "My thesis.”

Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes.”

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!” Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!” They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?”

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.” Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?” Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?” The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears.” Bear: "Well that's absurd!

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you” As they enter the burrow the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

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Moral:

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT

MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

In the context of the working world:

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT

MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU

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Some Trivia

'I think there's a world market for maybe five Pcs.'

(Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.)

Radio has no commercial value.

Who would pay for a message sent to nobody.’

(Colleagues of David Sarnoff on his Radio project 1920's.)

'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.’

(Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.)

'You mean to drill into ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.’

(Drillers rejecting Edwin L Drake's oil project, 1859.)

'Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?’

(HM Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.)

'What can you do with a guy with ears like that?’

(Jack Warner, movie mogul, rejecting Clark Gable, 1930.)

'We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.’

(Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, 1962.)

'But what is it good for?’

(An IBM Engineer commenting on the micro chip, 1968)

'Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.’

(Marechal Ferdinand, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.)

'We went to Atari, they said 'No'. So we went to HP;

'We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet'.’

(Apple founder Steve Jobs, 1980's)

'Fred Astaire can't act, can't sing, balding... Can dance a little.’

(MGM talent scout, 1928.)

'Everything that can be invented has been invented.’

(Charles H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.)

'640K ought to be enough for anybody.’

(Bill Gates, Microsoft, 1981.)

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'There is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their home.’

(Ken Olson, president, Founder, Digital Equipment Corp, 1977.)

'This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be considered as a means of communication. The device is of no value to us.'

(Western Union memo, 1876)

Challenges

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.

So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little hashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive.

Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan?

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put 125

the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.

The fish are challenged.

As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion. You don't need to work so hard so you relax.

Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.

"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging environment.”

The Benefits of a Challenge

The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive!

Recommendations

Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game.

If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up.

Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help.

Don't create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities to make a difference.

Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

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Four Parables

Parable Number 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Parable Number 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.,"

"Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients, " said the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Parable Number 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and 127

happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:

1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut!

Parable Number 4:

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk, " They decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson:

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your asset.

When you work with love, you bind yourself to yourself and to one another...

Work is love made visible. And if cannot work with love but only with distances, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. (Kahlil Gibran) 128

The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried iteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4 Give more.

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