Colonel's Book of Jokes and Trivia by Alok Kumar - HTML preview

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An Amazing Connection With God

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!'’

Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, 53

“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

Showers: Men vs. Women

How To Shower Like A Woman...

* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83

added vitamins.

* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83

added vitamins.

* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.

* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.

* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to 54

get it waxed instead.

* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

* Turn off shower.

* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.

* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.

* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.

* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man...

* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.

* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.

* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.

* Wash your face.

* Wash your armpits.

* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

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* Wash your privates and surrounding area.

* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.

* Make a shampoo Mohawk.

* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

* Pee (in the shower).

* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

* Partially dry off.

* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18.

Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.

* Leave bathroom light and fan on.

* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.

* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

Johnny Again

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one…. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".

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The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.

The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs.

He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She replies. "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.” 57

James Bond

James Bond dies and starts for heaven. His secretary badly wants to find out if he safely reached there. So, she calls up heaven.

A sweet female voice picked up and said: "This is Virgin Mary speaking".

"Damn it", the secretary said and hung up.

She calls again after 10 minutes. The same voice: "This is Virgin Mary speaking".

"Damn it. He hasn't reached yet", the secretary said and hung up again.

She calls again after 10 minutes. This time the voice said: "This is Mary speaking".

"Thank you!! Take proper care of him", she said and hung up.

Girl: Do You Love Me?

Boy: Yes Dear.

Girl: Would You Die For Me?

Boy: No, Mine Is Undying Love.

***********************

On The First Day Of Marriage, The Husband Is Treated Like

"God"...

After that the Alphabets are reversed.

***********************

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Sardarji Could Not Understand Why His Sister Had Two Brothers and he Had only one...

Bolo Tarara..

***********************

An Old Couple Is On A Walk, When A Pigeon Flies By And deposits a little Poop On The Woman's Head.

"Yech!" Says The Woman. "Get Some Toilet Paper.”

"What For? He (Pigeon) Must Be Half-A-Mile Away By Now.".

***********************

Santa Singh : Sorry I Am Late, I Got Stuck In An Elevator For 4

Hrs, because Of A Power Failure.

Banta Singh : That's All Right, Me Too. I Got Stuck On The Escalator For 3 Hrs.

***********************

A Sardar is Standing Below The Tube Light With An Open Mouth..

WHY ?

GUESS..

Because Doctor Has Advised Him "Aaj Light Hi Khana “ Bolo Tarara.

***********************

Question:

"What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband and BIN LADEN?”

Answer: "BOTH CAN NOT BE FOUND”

"Smile is a curve that makes lot of things straight"....So make that curve now..”

With due apologies to Laloo Prasad

Plis feel it apropreeatli.....

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STATE of BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHARM

**********************************************************

NOTE: If you dont know the answers, please copy from another Applikason phorom and submit. For further instructions, see bottom applikason.

Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the lisence immediately.

Last name: (_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Mishra (_) do not know First name: (_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivaprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_)

Dont know (Check appropriate box)

Age: (_) Less than zero (_) Zero (_) Greater than zero (_) Don't know Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure _____ not applicable Chappal Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_) Politician (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife

(_) Un-employed

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

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Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you bathe? (_) Yes (_) No (_) Not applicable If yes, how often do you bathe? (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Yearly Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_)

Others - Give exact color (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if U dont know the color of your teeth)

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

_______________________Your thumb imparesson *

* If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.

PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS. Use thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE

A gay found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped o u t a n d s a i d , " I ' l l g r a n t y o u a n y w i s h y o u w a n t . "

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

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“As you wish," the genie replied. So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...

Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.

Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Face defeat with a humour

You gotta love a man like this ...Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

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So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.

WOODWORK CLASS

It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.

Her name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.

The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.

Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?"

the shop teacher asked.

Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'.” How the Internet got started

May be a re-run...

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had 63

been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?” And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied,

"It is my most fervent wish that this be so".

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’

Drumsticks.

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And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

Indian Nursery Rhymes

Laloo Bhai bihari

Went up the pahari

To fetch a bail for court order

Laloo fell down

And lost his crown

But Rabri reigned thereafter.

________________________________

Laxman laxman

Yes pappa

Eating money

No pappa

Telling lies

No pappa

Open yr drawer

Ha ha ha

________________________________

Samata party is falling down

Falling down

Falling down

Samata party is falling down

Falling down

Falling down

My fair jaitley (jaya)

________________________________

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Wha Wha Black Sheep

Have you pulled the wool?

Yes sir, Yes sir,

Three bags full.

One for my father,

One for my dame,

And one for the CBI

Crying down the lane.

__________________________________

Little Miss Bharti,

Did a Maha-arti,

So the BJP would always hold sway.

There came a big BSP With Mayavati its USP.

And frightened Miss Bharti away.

________________________________

Little Lal Advani

Sat with his TV vahini

Taking his party's rai

He stuck out his thumb,

Hoping to pull out the plum,

And said, 'Can I have a slice of Vaj-pie?'

____________________________________

Batsman-bowler sat on the ball.

Batsman-bowler had a great fall,

All the bookies' cookies,

All the bribers' men,

Couldn't put Indian cricket together again.

____________________________________

Bankers and ministers

Sold for a penny

All the swindlers are so many

The envy's green

And the CBI red's

Nail them all, and get

Their head, head, head.

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Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?”

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?”

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked.

He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him.

"At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Sardar.

When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him. "By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one it will be injustice to another"

The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what?"

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He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Final Commandments

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one, The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "YES, it really works!” Definition of tragedy

President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

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So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'No, says Bush, 'that would be an accident’

A little girl raises her hand 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'' 'I'm afraid not,' explains the President, 'that's what we would call 'a great loss''.

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?'

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, 'If Air Force One, carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'.’

'Fantastic!' exclaims Bush. 'That's right, and can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?’

‘Well,' says the boy, 'because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either.’

Broken

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought 70

it was *me* coming home drunk!!"

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After talking for a while he tells the children to go ahead and ask about anything.

A little boy puts up his hand and dabbya (George) says:

-Yes, son, what's your name?

-Bob

-And what is your question Bob?

-Well I have three questions.

1.Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you?

3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just as he finishes his questions, the school bell rings and George says to the kids that they'll continue after the break. When the breaks over George says:

-Ehm, where were we? Ah, right questions!

A little girl puts up her hand.

George points at her and says: what's your name then?

-Sally

-And what's your question Sally?

-Well, I have 5 questions.

1. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you?

3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

4.Why did the school bell ring 20 minutes before it usually does? And 5. Where is Bob?

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Just give a thought

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird) 2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be given a thought)

3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good thinking)

5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who knows) 6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)

7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

(God knows)

9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell) 10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes) 11. What does OK actually mean? (Don't know)

12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I will stay and watch)

13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed) 14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) 16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help) 17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can) 72

18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (Strange isn't it)

19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (Got to think scientifically)

20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I don't have a change to try) 21 .Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? (Very nice) 22. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (This is nice) 23. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130

when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (Stupid, break the law)

Sex Laws from around the World

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This Also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having 73

sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in Tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as Guam!)

Survey

Last month, the U.N. worldwide conducted a survey. The only question asked was -

"Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

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In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Santa and Banta, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cathouse for some tail...

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two idiots.

So she used 'BLOW-UP' dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to do their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began talking.

Santa said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned...how was it for you?"

Banta replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast.... she farted and flew out the window!” One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No.”

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The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?”

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a mis understanding.

You see if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

2 or 4 lanes?!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant 76

you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Well, then, Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife better. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?” Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.

I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

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6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.” 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.” 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?” Dear banta,

Vahe Guru !!! I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut 78

them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job.

He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this morning.

I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well.

Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more.

He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time.

Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Your Mummy

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

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Who kept such names?

Long Dong (Guangxi, China)

Mount Titlis (Switzerland)

Blowhard (Australia)

Sexbierum (Netherlands)

Reamstown (Pennsylvania, USA)

Pecker's Point (Newfoundland, Canada)

Pickles Gap (Arkansas)

Nether Wallop (England)

Petting (Germany)

Mount Mee (Australia)

Titting (Germany)

Titty Ho (England)

Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA)

Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA)

Fugit (Kentucky, USA)

Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA)

Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England)

Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland)

Sally's Gap (Ireland)

Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA)

Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA)

Black Butte (Oregon, USA)

Sandy Balls (England)

Tilicum (Washington, USA)

Cockburn (Australia)

Bangor (Wales)

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Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA)

Ballville (Ohio, USA)

Prickwillow (England)

Black Charlie's Opening (Australia)

Kinmount (Ontario, Canada)

Euren (Wisconsin, USA)

Cockland (Ohio, USA)

Spuzzum (Canada)

Bloody Dick (Montana, USA)

Shafter (California, USA)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Mt. Buggery (Australia)

Handcock Town (North Carolina, USA)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Sackville (Canada)

Twatt (Orkney, UK)

Muff (County Donegal, Ireland)

Licking Valley (Ohio, USA)

Gobblers Knob (Kentucky, USA)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Fukum (Yemen)

Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Turdo (Romania)

Dongo (Congo, Democratic Republic)

Seymen (Turkey)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

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Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Wanks River (Nicaragua)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Tittybong (Australia)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Elephant Butte (New Mexico, USA)

Maggie's Nipples (Wyoming, USA)

Bone's Knob (Queensland, Australia)

Fingeringhoe (Essex, UK)

Titz (Germany)

Needmore (Texas, USA)

Fruitport (Michigan, USA)

Zip Down (Pennsylvania, USA)

Mount Holly (New Jersey, USA)

Hookersville (West Virginia, USA)

Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK)

Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)

Likwang (China)

Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)

Butt's Corner (New York, USA)

Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)

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Life at hell

Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 75 and 80

years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, like they do every day.

Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.

One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost.

Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening batsmen on Friday.”

Sale in America

A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, orange juice, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good,"

the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents 83

because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously. "then, I'll take the special.”

“How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only! She would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene 84

noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants," she said, "is to be in charge of her own life.”

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had to have a "wonderful" wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was before him. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the! Other half.

"Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day.......... or at night?”

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice 85

be?

What Lancelot chose is below, BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is..

1) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

2) There is witch in every woman not matter how beautiful she is!

Don's style

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man.

What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, TIME'S UP?"

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Just for laughs............

What are the three fastest ways of communication?

Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

***********************

Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai.

Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo-

Aata hai Usha ke saath,

Rehta hai Kiran ke saath,

Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath!

***********************

The positive thinking poem.

Little birdy in the sky,

You look up and it shits in your eye.

You don't mind and you don't cry,

You just thank God that cows don't fly.

***********************

Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu?

Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00

***********************

Sardar 2 Salesman, I Need Pink curtains for my computer.

Salesman: Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains.

Sardarji: Oye i have windows installed.

***********************

Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!!

Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!!

***********************

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Why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road?

To Cheack if he is going to work or Coming Back.

***********************

Sharab Aisi Bimari Hai Jo Pure Samaj Ko Kharab Kar Deit Hai!!

To Aao Milkar Is Bimari Ko Khatam Kare

Ek Bottle Hum Khatam Kare, Aur Ek Bottle Tum!!

***********************

Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho,

Khuda Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho,

Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai,

Tum Ghayal Kar Jati Ho!!!

***********************

What is the similarity between Mobile & Marriage?

Thode Din Aur Ruk Jata To Thoda Acha Model Mil Jaata!!

A young son came running to his Daddy and asked, "Daddy, Daddy, how was I born?"

Your Mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Your Dad, set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber café.

We sneaked into a private room, and then your mom stuck dad's memory stick into her USB port for downloading your file. An excited Dad could not refuse went on to fully upload.

It was discovered that neither one of them had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.

And we have you my dear!

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Dear friends,

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with his colleagues.

Question: is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of 89

souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So, which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, that " . . . it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

This student received the only "A" given.

Actual ads on a matrimony site - TOO FUNNY !!!

Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~

I want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever.

She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!) She should be good looking and should have a service. She Should have one brother and one sister. She should be educated.

(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !) 90

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i.

Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

i am simple boy.I have lot of problemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites) My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......

(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)

I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)

HYE I AM A GOOD LOOKING GUY, WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO

MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING

TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS

I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN

GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD

NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM

LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing)

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whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants) I love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS

OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK

MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the "ok syndrome" again)

I am pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married

'completely'?)

I am very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??) My name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! J )

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Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey.

IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam

''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.

(uttama purushan)

iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.

(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???)

I’m looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I 93

wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.) I would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure.

because girl is the mahalakshmi.

(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?) ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.

(Any takers again?)

It is a repeat stuff, still .........

GOANS

One Goan is Remo Fernandes.

Two Goans is a Feni distillery.

Three Goans is a football club.

Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.

MALAYALEES

One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.

Two Malayalees is a boat race.

Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.

Four Malayalees is an oil slick.

TAMILIANS

One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.

Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.

Three Tamilians is a classical music school.

Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.

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ANDHRAITES

One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.

Two Andhraites is a spice shop.

Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.

Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.

BENGALIS

One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.

Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.

Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.

Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.

RAJASTHANIS

One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.

Two Rajasthanis is a mason.

Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.

Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.

MANGALOREANS

One Mangalorean is a supari seller.

Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.

Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.

Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.

BOMBAYITES

One Bombayite is a hawker.

Two Bombayites is a film industry.

Three Bombayites is a slum.

Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.

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MAHARASHTRIANS

One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.

Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.

Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.

Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.

GUJARATIS

One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.

Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.

Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.

Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.

KUTCHIES

One Kutchi is a kirana shop.

Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.

Three Kutchis is a saree shop.

Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.

SARDARJIS

One Sardarji is a truck-driver.

Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.

Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan.

Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.

SINDHIS

One Sindhi is a currency racket.

Two Sindhis is a papad factory.

Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.

Four Sindhis is big show-off parties (yeech!).

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BIHARIS

One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.

Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.

Three Biharis is a caste killing.

Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.

BHAIYYAS

One Bhaiyya( U.P. Wala) is a milkman.

Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).

Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.

Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.

(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).

KASHMIRIS

One Kashmiri is a boatman.

Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.

Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.

Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.

KANNADIGAS

One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.

Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.

Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.

Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.

PUNJABIS

One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.

Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.

Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.

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Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.

PARSIS

One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BCs and MCs.

Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.

Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.

Four Parsis is half their remaining population.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a "visit".

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row; 98

too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again he-man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your family's attorney. I was instructed to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain: 1. Taxes