Alright as a quick read on your break :-)

It needs to be edited so the reader is not rereading the same thing over again. Otherwise a great book.

There is a kernal of a good story here, but editing for technical difficulties is the first order of work. Be meticulous here because consistant errors are extremely irritating to a reader. My next suggestion is that the author needs to incorporate plot subtlety and more characterization. It is always helpful to ask yourself "why" a character is saying or thinking what he or she is sayiug or thinking. Don't forget the big picture. Get that down first before zooming in on details individual parts of the plot. And as you go, edit, edit, edit. :) Hope to see this story re-vamped.

This author is trying to tell a good story but the problem is, his authorial intrusions keep getting in the way. Not a single line of dialog or exposition is ever presented without this meddling author telling the reader more than the reader needs... or wants... to know. If the writer had just told this story without over telling it, it might have been worth reading, but then, that requires studying the craft of writing, and few writers bother these days. So, if you like being hovered over as you read and having every emotion, every word, every action explained and interpreted for you, without ever being able to feel anything for yourself, then this will be your cup of tea.