Amock Comedy Magazine 5 HTML version
Professor Burcke Hacks into Alien TV-channel. 17-02-2012
This is the time-blog of Ralph Alexander Burcke, Professor Degeneritus and Historical Reality Investigator.
Sadly, my attempts to rid the teeth of the sprockets in the universal machinery, known as Time, of dental
plaque have turned into an unmitigated disaster. The device of my own design, called the Quantum Floss
Incapacitator blew a fuse, thus rendering time-travel impossible for future generations. I refuse to elaborate on
the nature of this indisposition, as your zany capacities are insufficiently developed to understand what would,
in essence, be my fumbling apology.
However, this misfortune did have an unexpected plus, in that I have luckily hacked into a series on the Lords
of the Universe's entertainment channel, known simply as Earthling Kindergarten Fun! These Lords are
apparently so advanced as to view our combined history as the first baby-steps of our rather moronic distant
cousins, to be shown only for the amusement of their toddlers. All that I have managed to obtain so far, by
flipping through the episodes with my remote, are certain real-time observations on momentous occasions in
Man's history. Yes, I can view any occurrence, but am unable to intervene, which is perhaps for the best. I
shall now regale you with a number of revelations of historic import, which are rather embarrassing to us as a
For example, did you know that:
- Man's discovery of Fire was caused by some (in)considerate alien, who left his fags and lighter on our
planet, on one of their excursions? The fire-breathing stick ran out of gas of its own accord, but fortunately the
dipstick who had found it, caught on to the principle?
- Cleopatra was actually Cleopeter, who had the hots for Mary Anthony, Julius Caesar's niece? And when
Mary Anthony refused to give in to his amorous attentions, Cleopeter got in a huff and declared war on the
- Jules Verne was one of my predecessors, who inadvertently viewed some of the Lords of the Universe TV's
breakfast shows and wrote them down in his well-known novels, the plagiarising so-and-so?
- Another of these was Nostradamus, who was actually a nun, who after finding the cloister unsuitable for her
libido, left and went into the entertainment business? She should have gotten a posthumous Oscar for her
- Mister Hitler only wanted to start a boy scout club and have them play with his train set,
but Herr Joseph Goebbels was the true puppet-master? Hitler's neighbour was a Jewish
boy, who wouldn't be seen dead playing with such a wimp and that's what started all the
- Flower Power was really an attempt by Californian prostitutes to start a labour
movement, but it got a bit out of hand?
- Vampires are merely members of the original Tory Party, with a overbite? And that only
Mrs Thatcher drank real blood?
That is all from the time-blog for now. Don't miss our next edition, for I am skipping
through the channels like a March hare as we speak!