Amock Comedy Magazine 4 HTML version

1235 Avarice Blvd
Tel: 009988 7766 4422
Mr John Doe,
12 Mug St,
Your Ref: nochance/pp/ll/0-88k/-077j
Our Ref: ksh6jk-/jhhgn
Dear Mr Doe,
I write regarding your recent application for a loan of the sum of $50,000 to start a business. You will
understand that we require securities against any loan we intend to make and I therefore require your
assurance that you are prepared to offer the items below.
1) Your home and any other landed property you may own or intend to buy.
2) Your entire family to be held in bondage even unto the the seventh generation. This may sound
quite biblical but we are an old-established firm.
3) Your goods and chattels in their entirety. This includes the collection of mint-copy Supermans
you are reputed to own and your wife’s underwear, though not that of your Uncle Ken.
4) The inheritance your Aunt Edna intends leaving you. We realise that she is in perfectly good
health and likely to outlive us all but we can fix that. Our Mr Fratelli is very good with brake pipes.
5) All patents currently held by you or which you may hold in the future.
6) Any and all copyrights you may hold in literary, musical, photographic or artistic compositions, or
are likely to hold.
7) Any and all winnings through gambling, lotteries you may receive in the future.
8) Any cash sums you may find in the street or any other public place.
May I also inform you that our analysts have considered your Business Plan and have concluded that
it has no chance of success. To save the administration costs you will inevitably incur when your
business fails we will realise the above assets immediately and hope that you appreciate that we are
thereby saving you funds you can ill afford to lose as you are, in matter of fact, bankrupt and penniless.
Please be assured of our best wishes for your future.
Yours faithfully,
Reg Greedy,
Business Loans Manager