Amock Comedy Magazine 4 by Gurmeet Mattu - HTML preview

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INTRODUCTION

The discovery of this cache of correspondence, written by the fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler, has naturally caused a great deal of controversy throughout the world. Their provenance cannot be doubted as they were recently

unearthed in Vienna in a tin box clearly marked, ‘Copies of my letters. A.H.’ That they are genuine is also verified by the fact that many eminent historians have failed to contest their validity.

These are not, of course the letters of the Fuhrer Hitler, but those of the peasant boy Hitler, who came to Vienna, ostensibly to study art, at the age of 18 and stayed there until the age of 24 in 1913 when the prospect of being called up to the Austrian army led him to flee to Munich. Nevertheless, we can see from these documents the development of Hitler’s odious theories and also the maturation of the boy as his dreams of being an artist are crushed and he has to find a means to survive and also fulfil what he believes to be his destiny.

It is this which has led us to publish these important historical documents and the thought of profiteering from this prolonged curiosity has never crossed our mind. Not even in the slightest.

Some readers may cavil at the shoddy nature of the translation from the original German of the letters, but lack of finance has been our enemy in this case and we have spent all we could afford in training our expert translators up to a state of semi-literacy in their native Turkish, never mind German and English. Our best advice is to read the text in a cod German accent with a glass of schnapps to hand.

We have chosen to avoid censoring the letters in any way as we are not revisionists, but the documents themselves were in such a degraded state that it would have been impossible to deliver them ‘as is’. We have therefore had them retyped and reformatted to make them easier to read. It is unfortunate that the replies from Hitler’s correspondents have not been recovered as these would have given a clearer view of the world that

formed him. There are also gaps in the correspondence which implies that Hitler did not keep copies of all of his letters. However, incomplete as this picture is, it will truly take you into the mind of the man who was Adolf Hitler, if only occasionally.

Professor Fritz von Bogus, Dept of Spurious Studies, University of Vienna

3rd June 2011

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna, Austria

TO: Heinrich & Sons (Master Bakers), Schwedenplatz, Vienna, Austria

DATE: 1st August 1907

Sirs,

The Black Forest gateau you delivered to me yesterday was not very sweet. I have a very sweet tooth and

require my gateau to be extra sweet. I informed your sales assistant, Frau Bomler, of this when I visited to order my gateau. Is she incapable of taking orders? If she is an Austrian she is a member of the great Germanic race and should take orders willingly. If she is not Austrian be warned, I am keeping an eye on you and your deviant employment policies.

Yours sincerely,

A. Hitler

FOLLOW HITLER’S CORRESPONDENCE NEXT ISSUE

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AMOCK / Page 6

The Kindle yellows with age.

Mary Magdalene sold her life story to

Hollywood after the crucifixion.

The Russion version of The Flintstones has a

Extracted from The Complete Book of Lies by

character called Barney Rouble.

Professor Ed Spurious.

Clint Eastwood played The Man With No Name

Floating in zero G gives many men an erection.

because that way he’d never be shot by a

The Pope wears socks to bed.

bullet with his name on it.

Marilyn Monroe could do calculus.

Tibetans cannot hop after a large meal.

The Da Vinci Cod is a secret recipe.

Leaving bad feedback on Ebay can lead to you

being cursed.

The German King Tiger tank had leather

upholstery.

Chefs cannot do crosswords.

Red-headed women cannot say no.

If a man runs away with your wife in Bulgaria

you must buy him a car.

One drop of super-glue could hold down the

space shuttle.

No mountain climber has ever been eaten by a

shark.

All men called George have hairy chests.

Gorillas cannot break-dance.

Eating toast can cure rabies.

Widows can claim to be born-again virgins in

The Gaelic name for Scotland is Alba. The

parts of Latvia.

Scots are therefore Albanians.

Shouting down a phone increases the speed of

Crocodiles cannot fart.

sound.

The greatest morris dancer of all time was said

It takes more energy to produce a thong than

to be Maurice Dancer.

a top hat.

Vegetarians have more nose bleeds than

Sleeping in the nude is forbidden in Greenland.

omnivores.

In Slovenia you cannot propose to a woman if

Bankers do not wash.

she has eaten tuna recently.

Apple pie was invented by a communist.

Cross-country skiing makes you impotent.

Buddy Holly was black.

The bra was derived from the catapult.

Ellen de Generes doesn’t eat fish.

Justin Bieber is a singer.

Tom Cruise was once world hand stand

champion.

American Chopper is a true life story.

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AMOCK / Page 7

IMPRESS WITH YOUR MANLY PARTS

Advice from Dr. Hugh Jorgen

Your email Inbox will tell you that there is a

parts is a powerful magnifying glass which

great demand for male enhancement

you can buy for only a few dollars. As

devices and procedures. Pumps,

long as you ensure that your gal uses

prosthetics and pills are all offered

it when she gazes upon your naked

with the promises that they will

torso you should have no problem.

satisfy your partner and aid your

In extreme cases you may wish to

self-esteem. However these are all

fashion a sort of sporran from your

a scam as I’m sure any clued up

magnifying glass to hang in front

young dude, like what you are, will

of your groin, but this is purely a

know. The advice I will give you in

matter of choice.

this article and for free, will be more

There is a further bonus in the fact

than enough to satisfy your ego and

that you can use your magnifying

your partner’s appetite. All that is needed

device for crime detection purposes if the

to resolve the problem of having small manly

occasion arises.

THE TRUTH BEHIND

It’s one of TV’s most successful shows, has a devoted The programme’s second unit has Tory Belleci played

fan following, and has even featured an appearance by by Brit, Alf Harkins, best known for his appearances as POTUS, Barrack Obama, but Amock has discovered the serial bigamist Joe Nutter in soap-opera, Coronation the dark secret behind the cult science show. The Street. Kari Byron is played by ex pro-wrestler Chuck presenters are claimed to be ‘special effects wizards’ Muscles in his first venture into acting after failing to with ‘years of experience’ but the truth is that they are beat the world land speed record in a canoe, but it is actors playing the roles of Mythbusters.

Imihara who is the most interesting member of the cast.

Known on the show for his love of robotics, we can now

The show’s two main presenters, Adam Savage and reveal that he is actually an automaton. He is, in fact, Jamie Hyneman are actually portrayed by George the latest incarnation of Honda’s Asimo.

Luddite and Josephine Kilgore. Luddite is best known

for his appearance as a slave girl in the unsuccessful A spokesman for the production refused to comment remake of Conan the Barbarian and Kilgore was once on our revelations but tellingly, an episode where Miss Nevada. Her performance as Hyneman is, Imihara sprang a leak and started spraying oil over the

however, likely to boost her credibility as a thespian and studio has been withdrawn from broadcast. It is a very there are rumours that she is in line to play King Lear short sequence and wasn’t noticed at first, but rumours off Broadway.

say it is still available on Youtube.

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BANK

1235 Avarice Blvd

Bigtown

Tel: 009988 7766 4422

Mr John Doe,

Your Ref: nochance/pp/ll/0-88k/-077j

12 Mug St,

Our Ref: ksh6jk-/jhhgn

Smalltown

Dear Mr Doe,

I write regarding your recent application for a loan of the sum of $50,000 to start a business. You will

understand that we require securities against any loan we intend to make and I therefore require your

assurance that you are prepared to offer the items below.

1) Your home and any other landed property you may own or intend to buy.

2) Your entire family to be held in bondage even unto the the seventh generation. This may sound

quite biblical but we are an old-established firm.

3) Your goods and chattels in their entirety. This includes the collection of mint-copy Supermans

you are reputed to own and your wife’s underwear, though not that of your Uncle Ken.

4) The inheritance your Aunt Edna intends leaving you. We realise that she is in perfectly good

health and likely to outlive us all but we can fix that. Our Mr Fratelli is very good with brake pipes.

5) All patents currently held by you or which you may hold in the future.

6) Any and all copyrights you may hold in literary, musical, photographic or artistic compositions, or

are likely to hold.

7) Any and all winnings through gambling, lotteries you may receive in the future.

8) Any cash sums you may find in the street or any other public place.

May I also inform you that our analysts have considered your Business Plan and have concluded that

it has no chance of success. To save the administration costs you will inevitably incur when your business fails we will realise the above assets immediately and hope that you appreciate that we are

thereby saving you funds you can ill afford to lose as you are, in matter of fact, bankrupt and penniless.

Please be assured of our best wishes for your future.

Yours faithfully,

Reg Greedy,

Business Loans Manager

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AMOCK / Page 9

Professor Pete gives you indispensable

It is indeed a torpedo and comes from a midget submarine.

Your mother, when she was younger, operated with the

advice on all your problems.

Canadian Navy’s Special Forces and was renowned for her

skills in muff diving in the face of the enemy. This is a

CHEATING

small memento she has retained, but best not to ask her

about it as she would be embarrassed to relate any of her

Dear Pete,

daring exploits amongst the sailors.

My husband, Ernie, cheated on me with my friend Bobbi so

Pete

I slept with Bobbi’s husband Jack. Bobbi found out about

UNSANITARY

it and had sex with my brother Ralph so I had it off with

her cousin Simon. Meanwhile Ernie had found about me

Dear Professor Pete,

and Jack and slept with my aunt Betty. Bobbi found about

Farouk, the sanitary engineer, has offered only 10 silver

Simon and tried it on with my uncle Alf, only to discover

Rialees for my beautiful daughter Roxanna’s hand in

he was gay. Whoo Hoo, I thought, one up to me, but the

marriage. It is an insult, she has long hair and all her own

bitch somehow talked him into the sack anyway. As it

teeth and is worth at least 100. Admittedly she is

happened, Alf had sex with a guy called Dave, who isn’t

unsanitary in her habits but this is down to her mother and

related to anybody I know, but this Dave managed to

once she was married she would no longer be under the old

seduce my husband and introduced him to gay love. My

shrew’s influence. How can I get Farouk to increase his

question is, do I have to sleep with my husband to get even

pathetic offer?

with him?

Abdul, Falakand

Tracy, Vermont

PS- She is nearly a virgin

Dear Tracy,

Dear Abdul,

As this is obviously a fairy story I hope you all live happily If the problem indeed lies with Roxanna’s filthy habits ever after.

throwing in a large bar of soap may clinch the deal, though

Pete

I doubt you’d get 100 for the manky bint.

Pete

LAXATIVES

TRAMP

Dear Prof,

I am being held prisoner in my own home by aliens from

Dear Pete,

the planet Verx. They are demanding six million metric

My husband and I had frequently discussed swapping

tonnes of laxatives for my release. As you know human

partners and I had often fantasised I was with another man

laxatives are renowned as the most potent in the galaxy and

when Reg was making love to me. We finally decided to

the Verxians have been suffering from constipation for

go through with it and picked Susan and Pete Mould for our

several centuries. Please arrange for delivery to Verx by

first swap partners as we were both attracted to them. We

space shuttle (warp drive supplied) as soon as possible.

invited them over, one thing led to another and I ended up

Maurice, New York

in the spare bedroom with Pete. To my surprise, while he

was having it off with me, I found myself thinking about

Dear Maurice,

Terry Richards and not Pete who I’d long fantasised about

I forwarded your plea to the General Secretary of the

while with Reg. It’s not that I wasn’t enjoying Pete’s

United Nations but unfortunately he has rejected it. His

attentions and his rear entry a la mode was actually quite

reasoning is that the sudden release of immense amounts of

superb, but I found it more exciting to think it was Terry

Verxian poo could have terrible effects on the space time

who was giving it to me. Does this mean that I am

continuum in the galaxy. Why not try the Klingons whose

basically a slut?

laxatives are well thought of among the cognoscenti?

Carla, Wellington

Pete

Dear Carla,

TORPEDO

As I have constantly said the sex act occurs in the head and

not in the nether regions. The mind will instinctively find

Dear Pete,

that which gives it most pleasure even at the expense of

My mom has a little thing shaped like a small silver torpedo Pete’s fine technique. I wouldn’t worry about it overmuch in the drawer of her bedside cabinet. Any idea what it

but in answer to your question, yes, you are a tramp.

could be?

Pete

Sylvie, Toronto

Write to Pete with your problems and

Dear Sylvie,

he’ll solve them for you. Sort of.

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AMOCK / Page 10

HOW TO BE A BIMBO

NFS

A Guide for Young Ladies

By Penelope Hotslot (Bimbo of the Year 2009)

Many young ladies aspire to be a bimbo, but have

difficulty in establishing precisely what a bimbo is

Greetings, my friends,

and how this desirable status can be achieved. The

I am Captain Desmond Ndobo, of the Nigerian Fraud

truth is that a bimbo is a young lady who is always

Squad, and I write to you regarding the many emails

you have been receiving asking you to send your bank available for sexual adventure, no matter what

details to various Nigerian parties. After many years of other calls are made on her time. For instance, a in-depth investigation we have concluded that this is not young girl will allow a quick feel, even if she is an attempted fraud. It is the work of one Mr. Charles sitting a maths exam or playing

M’kika who derives intense sexual satisfaction by chess. Her desire for sexual

viewing other people’s bank details. This is knowledge will outweigh all other

understandable as his wife is very unattractive. I know needs.

this because he is my brother-in-law, my wife’s sister’s

husband. This conclusion has been confirmed by On no account should the young

clinical psychologists whose medical opinion is that lady accept any reward for her

M’kika is as nutty as Gerry Carter of Sudbury in forwardness. This would

England, who collected fruit bat droppings for similar immediately promote her to the role of strumpet unsavoury purposes.

and that professional course is only for the older

lady. Though financially rewarding you really

We have informed M’kika that his emails are seen as should consult your Careers Advisor before

spam by the recipients and a means to defraud people following such a route.

of the large amounts of cash which they are legally

entitled to, and he has agreed to desist from the Ms Janine Moistly (pictured above) is the hottest practice. However the medical authorities have bimbo around these days and young girls would be

informed us that a sudden withdrawal of bank details well advised to follow her example. She never could cause M’kika irreversible psychological damage misses an opportunity to reveal her underwear and

and may render him impotent. We are therefore taking this has led to many young men suffering from

over the collection of bank details to allow Mr M’kika to

heart attacks, a debility that would not normally

wean himself off his perversion. We regard this as a

have occurred till they were much older. This, of

matter of duty to a fellow Nigerian citizen. If you care

about this sad, sick, man, please send your full bank course, makes bimbos very popular with the details to me personally at my email address and I will medical profession who are paid to treat these ensure that M’kika adds them to his collection.

unfortunates.

Many denigrate the modern bimbo, but in my eyes

Yours sincerely,

she stands for all that is best in our western culture,

Desmond Ndobo (Capt.)

especially wanton sexuality, which is such fun.

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A COMEDY SOAP OPERA

AMOCK / Page 11

BARMAIDS

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BIG JOE DONNA NORMA ANNABELLE SUSAN RITA TOMMY

On the night of the Fancy Dress Party the girls had really made an effort and the Ardent Hedonist was

bedecked with balloons and banners. The public had responded well with the bar full of nuns, vicars, red

Indians and SS majors. At one point two older men in naval uniforms arrived.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” the Admiral asked.

“Oh yes, certainly,” the Captain replied, adding “Young Tommy always used to hang about with a very

colourful crowd,” by way of explanation.

They struggled their way through the throng and found an empty table. Susan, in a nurse’s uniform

approached them. “You’ve certainly made an effort, guys. What’ll it be?”

“Two large dark rums, please,” the Captain ordered.

“Good on you. Stay in character,” the saucy young wench replied.

“And we’ll be having something to eat, methinks,” the Captain added.

“I’ll get you a menu, but there’s a free buffet later if you can wait.”

“Free buffet? Jolly decent. We’ll just hang on for that then.”

And as Susan returned to the bar the Captain turned to the Admiral and said. “Bound to be quiche in Tommy’s

buffet.” He stood up. “Have to go the heads I’m afraid.”

Donna had opted for a nun’s habit and was playing with her prayer beads when her boss came up. “ So,

how’s it going?” Joe asked.

“Not bad. The Apaches are out-drinking the construction workers, but they’re not a patch on the highway

cops.”

Tommy came through from the kitchen. “What time do you want me to serve the buffet?”

“Not till the cash register hits the magic number,” Joe answered.

“So, what’s the magic number?”

“Ah, that would be telling,” the landlord replied mysteriously.

The Captain returned from the toilet to find his Admiral dancing with an Indian brave.

“Admiral! What are you doing?”

“Never danced with a redskin before,” his superior explained. “Thought I’d take the opportunity as the chap asked.”

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AMOCK / Page 12

The song finished and the two naval men returned to their table.

“Marvellous movers these native Americans,” the Admiral said.

“As long as it wasn’t a rain dance.”

“Not at all. Chap called Madonna was singing about how he’d like a bit of sturgeon.”

The Captain sniffed. “Hope they hurry up with this buffet, getting a bit peckish.”

“A maid, Annabel? I thought you’d have been dressed up as the queen,” Joe said to his ex-sister in law and

poshest member of staff.

“Don’t be silly, Her Majesty wouldn’t be seen dead in here.”

“Don’t know, she might come in to give me my MBE.”

Annabel’s sneer was legendary. “You? An MBE?”

“Services to the licensed trade. That and charity work.”

“You’re trying to be funny now, charity work indeed.”

Joe put her in place with a cutting line. “I took you in.”

The minute the girls began laying out the buffet the Captain dragged the Admiral up to the table and regarded it with dismay. He looked around and caught Joe’s eye.

“I say, chappie, where’s the quiche?”

“The what?”

“The quiche, man, the quiche.”

“Sandwiches and sausage rolls, that’s your whack,” Joe said emphatically.

“But that can’t be right. This is the bar where young Tommy Malone has a berth?”

“Wee Tommy, the chef?”

“That’s the chap. Bring on the quiche!”

“Listen, pal, I’ve told you once, there’s no bloody quiche. And no pheasant drumsticks either.”

“That’s ridiculous, I’m a Captain in Her Majesty’s navy and I demand quiche.”

“And I’m Kylie Minogue.”

“No you’re not,” the Admiral interjected. “He’s a much smaller chap than you.”

Norma, noticing the heated discussion, came over. “What’s the problem, Joe?”

“These fellas are demanding quiche.”

Norma was nothing if not wise and immediately recalled her conversation with Tommy. “Oh my God, are you

real sailors?”

“Of course we’re not, we’ve hired these uniforms for a fancy dress party,” the Captain snarled.

“Oh, that’s all right then.”

“Of course we’re real sailors, you impudent baggage. I’m Captain Clarkson and this is Admiral Wainwright.

Heard our young Tommy was working here now and decided to come down for some quiche.”

“What are these idiots on about?” Joe asked.

“It’s Tommy. He used to be in the navy and made quiche for his Captain.”

“Are you the skipper of this bar, my man?” Captain Clarkson asked imperiously.

“I’ve never heard it put quite like that before.”

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AMOCK / Page 13

“Well let me tell you, you don’t run a very tight ship.”

“You’re a nutter,” Joe replied, making his way to the kitchen where Tommy was still making sandwiches.

“Hullo sailor!” Joe said with a cruel grin.

“That bitch Norma, she told you,” the ex-tar screeched.

“Had to, there’s two of your navy chums out there demanding quiche.”

“Oh my God, the Captain.”

“He’s a loony tune.”

“He’s got medals for bravery,” the chef protested.

“Doesn’t matter, he’s still not getting any quiche.”

“Oh let me make him up one, boss, just for old times’ sake.”

“If you make one for him they’ll all want some.”

“Not a problem, I’ve got all the ingredients.”

“Aye , my ingredients.”

“I’ll pay for them.”

“Have you got the hots for this Captain or something?”

“He saved my life in Zanzibar,” Tommy answered, a tear welling up in his eye.

Well, I suppose that deserves a quiche. Okay, on you go. But don’t try to claim overtime for working on.

The Fancy Dress Party was a huge success and as the revellers spilled out the Admiral and the Captain were

holding each other erect.

“As you said, your man’s a master,” the Admiral slurred. “Best quiche I’ve ever tasted.”

“Yes, night didn’t start out too well, but it ended superbly.”

The Admiral pulled a bottle of spirits from his pocket. “Still can’t work out why they gave me this bottle of whisky though.”

THAT CONCLUDES BARMAIDS FOR A WHILE.

THE WRITERS ARE NOW OFF TO THE PUB TO DO FURTHER RESEARCH.

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AMOCK / Page 14

ROBOT TURNS GAY

A spokesman for the Erotibots Corporation has admitted that a software glitch may make their best-selling love robots turn gay. The bug was detected after the husband of one of their customers, Mr Norman Bendix, was

assailed by a Model PXIII which had been making love to his wife but turned his attentions to Mr Bendix when he entered the bedroom.

“It came as a helluva shock,” admitted Mr Bendix, “One minute Bob, that’s what Glenda calls her machine, was astride her and the next he was on top of me. Admittedly, I was naked, but that was because I was looking

forward to a session with Labelle, that’s my electric gal. I tried to resist, but he was too strong for me and had me face down in seconds.”

The Erotibots spokesman said they had never encountered this

problem before and apologised profusely for any distress that might

have been caused to Mr Bendix.

“The PXIII is one of our better endowed models and it must have

been uncomfortable for Mr Bendix. Unfortunately Mrs Bendix did

not opt for the self-lubricating function.”

Despite this Mr Bendix has no plans to seek compensation from

Erotibots. “To tell the truth, it’s opened my eyes,” he said, “It wasn’t

exactly unpleasant and I may have to explore that side of my

nature.”

After extensive tests Erotibots announced that there was nothing

Model PXIII or Bob

fundamentally wrong with their products but that the malfunction

could not have occurred without input from someone with specific technical knowledge.. “We suspect that one

of our software engineers has done this, either as a gag, or as a political statement. There are strong feelings among the gay community about our failure to launch a gay range of machines. I can assure them that this

matter is in hand and we will have male homosexual, machines, both active and passive, on the market by the

end of the year.”

The erotic robots market has grown by leaps and bounds since the first electronic sexual partner was introduced 20 years ago. That was barely capable of an up and down motion but as the technology has improved modern

machines are virtually indistinguishable from real humans, both visually and in their performance. This has led to a great change in the ways they are perceived and used. Originally they were bought by lonely individuals who could not find a partner but, more recently, their usage has evolved to married couples who buy one each, of either sex, to enable them to have sex with a different partner without breaking their marriage vows. This, in turn, has led to the development of robot swapping parties, where couples meet up to swap mechanical partners and enjoy each other’s robots.

Industry sources claim that Erotibots are sitting on a bisexual model which could satisfy both male and female customers, fearing that this would cut their sales, but this was denied by the company. “We rarely find that both male and female partners in a relationship have the same requirements when it comes to a lover. A bisexual, all-purpose machine would have a very limited market.”

Bob has been returned to Erotibots for reprogramming and a 100,000 mile service.

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AMOCK / Page 15

WAKISTAN DECLARES WAR

An Appeal To The Democracies by President for Life General Kalim Sharabi

My Friends,

Wakistanis are genetically scared of heights which is

why we are, generally speaking, a short people.

I am appealing to you. I know this because you write

me many fan letters. As you know we are a newly If we do not receive military aid, my plan of action is as emergent nation, but we have been insulted and to follows. Our newly recruited army will swim up the Red defend our honour we must declare war. However, Sea, through the Suez Canal, and across the

because we are poor we have no armed forces or Mediterranean; they will then march across Europe and weapons, so I am appealing to my good democratic beard the evil Irish in their lair. Then we shall smite friends for aid.

them hip and thigh with our sticks.

The situation is as follows - at a diplomatic reception in You may say that these are not going to be effective, Dublin their chief foreign minister dropped wind before but these are traditional Wakistani hitting sticks and can our ambassador. He

bring down a goat at four

refused to apologise

feet, if it is a small one. I

and blamed his dog

realise, as Commander in

so, you see, we have

Chief of our armed forces

no alternative but to

that

we

can

expect

declare

war

on

casualties, but I have

Ireland.

taken

out

insurance

policies on all our men so

You will immediately

that all who fall in battle will

see the problems we

mean a little financial

face. Wakistan is

bonus for me. One has to

thousands of miles

Our Special Forces in training.

plan ahead.

from

the

satanic

Ireland and they have armed forces numbering in their There is an alternative to this doomsday scenario and

millions and modern weapons capable of immense I offer it because I do not want to seem like a war-destruction. It is obvious that we are at a serious monger. If the Irish immediately surrender and promise disadvantage and that is why I request of you that you to supply us with Guinness free of charge for the next donate to me a small thermo-nuclear device. Also a 100 hundred years we will not attack. I think that is a delivery vehicle, perhaps a van. We will not require fair compromise. They must also promise that Bono technical staff as my nephew Akrim is a skilled car will never come to our country and attempt to save us.

mechanic. A navy too might be useful and I am very No benefit concerts, no speechifying, nothing. Also, no

impressed with these ships you have which travel Riverdance. It is an abomination, the only time people underwater. They seem like a wonderful way to sneak should dance like that is if they are shot in the foot.

up on an enemy and shoot him in the butt. We have That is all, my good friends, the peace of the world lies attempted to construct these ourselves but cannot get in your hands.

the animal skins which cover the canoe appropriately

water-proof. An air force is not required as we PS- If supplying thermo-nuclear device please do not

arm.

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AMOCK / Page 16

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GANDHI - THE BOXING YEARS

Though his greatest triumph was in the defeat of the British Empire, which outweighed him considerably, it is little known that the Mahatma, as he was known, had a successful career as a light-flyweight boxer. His nickname for one thing (Great Soul) is not designed to inspire fear, unlike Hit Man or Razor but Mohandas, his real name, was seemingly a doughty battler with an impressive record in pugilism.

“He had a wiry strength which many underestimated,” said respected commentator, Reg Knuckles, “and pound

for pound he was reckoned to be one of the hardest hitters in the world. Not bad for a vegetarian.”

Gandhi’s record of 10 wins, three defeats and 12 draws in a 25 fight career may not seem impressive by some

standards, but Knuckles knows the reason behind it. “As a pacifist he didn’t have the killer instinct. He could knock an opponent about for round after round, but he

just didn’t have the heart to punch him hard enough to

put him away. He could have finished any one of his

12 draws with a left hook, but chose not to.”

Others have commented on Gandhi’s lightness of foot

in the ring and it is thought that Muhammad Ali

borrowed the Ali shuffle from him.

“When he took up politics it was a great loss to the

noble art,” continued Knuckles, “If he’d continued with

his career he could have been one of the greats. He

would have become India’s first global sportsman after

independence. He had the charisma to make the

lighter weights just as popular with the public as the

Pic by Ben Sutherland

heavies. Of course, he had this marvellous gift for

publicity, but can you imagine how much coverage he’d have got from his salt march if he’d done it as part of his training for a world title challenge. The World Champion at that time was Stringy Hobart, an Englishman, and I’m sure the whole world would have tuned in to see the Mahatma give him a pasting in the name of freedom and independence. He could have done it too, he had everything, the speed, the variety of punches and an iron jaw like the Himalayas. It’s said that an elephant kicked him in the chin once and it broke its foot. Gandi adopted it and kept it as a pet. That’s the kind of guy Gandhi was.”

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AMOCK / Page 17

Famed porn movie director, Ron Close-up, has been confirmed as the man at the helm for the remake of James

Bond classic, Goldfinger. This is seen as an attempt by producers to drag the ageing franchise into the modern day but say they will attempt to stay true to the spirit of the original novel and movie.

Close-up took a break from his busy schedule to give Amock of how the plot of the new movie will unfold.

“The story opens with Bond being called to the headquarters of MI6. M tells him about Goldfinger who is smuggling gold out of England though the authorities can’t figure out how he’s doing it. He asks Bond to investigate so Bond has sex with him. On the way out Bond recovers his hat from the outer office and has sex with Miss Moneypenny. She simpers winningly throughout the encounter. Bond picks up his equipment from Q

and has sex with him using a newly invented device which can induce orgasms at 40 yards. Hot on the trail of Goldfinger, Bond encounters his Korean henchman, Oddjob, who paints his genitals gold. Bond has sex with

him, though Oddjob keeps his hat on throughout the encounter.

Bond is warned by his CIA contact, Felix Leiter, to watch out for Pussy Galore so a grateful Bond has sex with him in his Aston Martin. Bond drinks a vodka martini (shaken & stirred) before tracking down Pussy. She captures him and threatens him with a laser beam but he is rescued by Felix, so they have a threesome.

Finally meeting up with Goldfinger Bond discovers that the criminal madman plans to hold an orgy in the vault of Fort Knox. This will render all the gold bullion there as tainted with naughtiness and therefore non-negotiable in the world financial markets. Bond can only save the world by having sex with Goldfinger, but this will make Oddjob jealous. Bond takes his super-potency pills, supplied by Q, and has sex with both of them several times, leaving them drained and exhausted and in no mood to conquer the world. As he dresses to leave Bond says,

“The things I do for Queen and country,” thus revealing his love for Freddie Mercury’s band and redneck music.”

British Civil Awards are to be revamped, the Government has announced. The previous system, The Most

Excellent Order of the British Empire was established by George V and comprises five classes in civil and

military divisions. In order of seniority, these are Knight (or Dame) Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (GBE), Knight (or Dame) Commander of the Most

Excellent Order of the British Empire (KBE), Commander of the Most

Excellent Order of the British Empire (CBE), Officer of the Most Excellent

Order of the British Empire (OBE)and Member of the Most Excellent Order

of the British Empire (MBE)

Only the highest two ranks automatically cause an individual to become a

knight or dame. These are now seen as anachronistic as the British Empire

no longer exists. They will be replaced by new Orders to be known as

Trousers. The highest award will be Red Trousers, followed by Blue

Trousers and White Trousers. Brown Trousers will only be available to

members of the armed forces for extreme cowardice in the face of the

enemy. Charity workers will be eligible for the Blue Trousers while White

will be reserved for showbiz and sports personalities. Red will be awarded for acts of bravery or extreme

stupidity and will only be given posthumously.

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LUST FOR LANCELOT

“Merlin, I require your services,” said Queen Guinevere.

“Certainly, milady,” replied the ancient wizard, eagerly unfastening his robe.

“No, no, not that,” his sovereign lady replied, averting her eyes from his gnarled torso. “It is a matter

concerning my husband’s champion, Sir Lancelot.”

“The bravest of King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table,”

said the aged

sage, “What ails that stalwart heart?”

The Queen beckoned the magician to a seat before her and

leaned forward conspiratorially. “Do you think I am an

attractive woman, Merlin?” she asked.

“Verily, you are hot stuff. The hottest in the realm,” the

magician replied, quite truthfully.

The Queen sniffed. “Then why doth my Lord not give me

one on a regular basis?”

Merlin leaned back as realisation dawned. “King Arthur is

old, milady, and carries the cares of all the kingdom and

his subjects. Though there is no doubt he loves you, his

affairs are such a burden that he cannot perform as

vigorously or as regularly as other men.”

“Oh, to be had vigorously,” Guinevere breathed, a tremble

running through her body, “Would be but a dream. The

last time I was had vigorously was last Martinmas and

then, I believe, it was aided by a following wind.”

“But what hath this to do with my good Sir Lancelot?” the

wizard asked.

“It is his goodness that ails me,” his Queen replied. “You know that he is fair of face and stout of thew and has entranced me. But though I have offered myself to him he will not avail himself of me.”

“Art thou then bursting for it, milady?”

The Queen sighed. “The only fun I’ve had in the last two months was at the last ball when I dragged Sir

Lancelot into an alcove and had a quick snog and a swift grope. But then he spurned me and said he was a

honourable knight and loved the King.”

Merlin placed his hand on his sovereign’s thigh. “I am always ready to serve, ma’am.”

Guinevere pushed his hand away. “No, Merlin, you are old, even older than the King and the vigour I require

would likely put you in your grave.”

“I’m willing to take the chance,” he answered, his eyebrows dancing.

“Nay, good sire, it must be Lancelot. You must make me a spell to bewitch him so that I can have my way with his trouser parts.”

Merlin sprang back. “You ask too much, milady. For one thing I, too, am a loyal follower of the King and also my mystic arts are not for such frivolous things.”

“But you gave Lady Igrane a magic dildo!” the Queen protested.

The wizard smiled. “She let me see her boobies.”

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“Both of them?”

AMOCK / Page 19

“Both.”

“Slut!”

“I could make you one,” the magician offered.

“That would ne’er satisfy the needs of one such as I.”

“I could paint Lancey’s picture on it.”

“Nay, sir, it is flesh and blood I require, not your tawdry substitutes.”

“Tawdry?” Merlin exploded, leaping to his feet. “Tawdry? Ebony, silver, the finest workmanship …”

“And it buzzes like a hive of bees. Everyone knows when the Lady is at her pleasures.”

“She is not ashamed of it. Since her husband, Sir Wilbur, died in battle she has been lonely.”

The Queen snorted. “She should find a young buck to take care of her needs.”

“She honours the memory of her late husband,” the wizard protested, “She has vowed that no man shall have

her ever again.”

“Then she is a fool,” the Queen proclaimed, “and needs a damn good seeing to, as I do.” She threw herself to the floor and clutched at Merlin’s wizened knees. “Oh, cast me a spell, Merlin, to make Lancelot love me and desire me and give me a really good seeing to. Friday afternoons preferably, when Arthur is at battle

practice.”

“I cannot do it, milady,” Merlin excused himself, “It is not given to me to change a man’s will. And I would not, for if you were to betray Arthur, Camelot itself would fall.”

“What’s this you say?” she asked, her eyes filling, “Surely a quickie would not cause such disaster?”

Merlin considered. “Nay, perhaps not a quickie, but you would not be satisfied with such. You are infatuated with Lancelot and your desire knows no bounds. You would want him night and day and perhaps twice at the

weekends.”

She broke away from him and swept a hand across her brow. “It is true. I am a wanton. But I deserve love

like any other maid. My husband does not want me, Lancelot will not have me, what am I to do? Come,

Merlin, you are a wise man, give me of your wisdom.”

“I must consult the oracle,” Merlin said gravely, “Only there can I find the answer to this riddle.” And with that he left the Queen’s chamber and his loveless monarch.

It was five long days before he returned and the strain he had put himself to was plainly etched on his face.

“Have you an answer for me, Merlin?” Guinevere asked.

“Mayhaps, milady,” the old sage replied with a cough. “I used the oracle to search through time for any

answer to the situation you find yourself in and there may be something in the past and the future.”

“The past and the future?”

“Indeed. From the past I have ascertained that if Arthur gives you to Lancelot freely then the curse on

Camelot will not apply.”

“But Arthur is my husband, and old-fashioned at that. He would never give me willingly to Lancelot.”

“And from the future I found a pastime that men call wife-swapping where men exchange spouses.”

“But Lancelot has no wife to swap.”

“It need not be a wife.”

“Arthur’s always liked Lancelot’s horse,” the Queen recalled gratefully. And so, with the swapping of Guinevere for a horse, Camelot survived.

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THE END

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AMOCK / Page 20

DISCOVER YOUR ANCESTORS

Many people are becoming increasingly interested in Many make claims of esteemed ancestors such as who they are descended from and are eager to research royalty but all such claims should be treated with their ancestry. Building your own family tree is not caution. Family records may indicate that King Charles difficult, though if you come from a poor family you may had a brief fling with your chambermaid ancestor, but discover that you have no family tree and may have to as she was free with her favours it is just as likely that settle for a family bush.

the bootblack was your forebearer.

Be prepared too for some surprises as you delve into If one approaches the family tree with an open mind the past. You may discover that Great Uncle George and are prepared for shocks there is no reason why you

who has been lauded as a war hero for generations was cannot build an honest and truthful genealogy. Your in fact in charge of laundry and Aunt Phoebe’s charity ancestors were fallible, just as you are, and subject to work among sailors was less charitable and more the cultural imperatives of the day. Your ancestor may commercial. Such revelations should not be a deterrent well have been a slave dealer but if you dig far enough for, after all, we are all descended from apes, though you will no doubt discover his redeeming qualities, such some have simians closer in their genetic make-up than as the fact that he gave large discounts for bulk buying, others. Mr Bert Clipshaw, for instance, is distantly often ran special offers and was prepared to deliver at related to Cheetah of Tarzan fame through his mother’s no extra cost. In his day and age he would have been side of the family.

a marvel and you are his proud descendant.

SAMPLE FAMILY TREE OF AMOCK HANDYMAN, BILL TOOLBELT.

DOUG

BERYL

BOB

CELIA

JOE

HILARY

KIRK

SCOTT

adopted

CHANG

LULU

JACK

NADINE

PETE

JILL

BILL

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AMOCK / Page 21

HOW TO SEDUCE A LIBRARIAN

Many young men find librarians to be

Now approach your target and let her know that

sexually attractive but are unsure as

you are a writer and struggling

to how to approach these desirable

with your first novel. She will be

but

seemingly

unattainable

immediately

interested

and,

creatures. The truth is that these

hopefully, aroused. You must let

bookish

women

are

highly

her know that you have reached a

attainable if the correct procedures

stage in your novel where the two

are followed.

main characters must make love

but, as a young man, you have little

The first thing you must understand is the mentality e x p e r i e

nce

of

such

emotions.

This

behind these women who have devoted their lives to immediately sets her a challenge and one which, with dusty bookshelves. To be blunt, they are nuts and are her altruistic nature, she cannot resist. Very soon she frequently obsessive about the literary world. To have will be coaching you in the ways of love while reading your evil way, you must take advantage of this by your plagiarised novel as you make love to her. It’s a pretending to be a writer. That’s how the writers of dirty trick, but it works.

Amock do it, we pretend to be writers. First download

a really old novel from Project Guttenberg. Open it in NEXT MONTH - How to Seduce a male geography Word and using the Find & Replace functions, change teacher.

the names of characters and locations. Print off about Pic by freakapotimus

twenty pages.

SCIENTIST INVENTS SELF-DELIVERING PIZZA

A scientist claims to have invented a pizza

pizza arrived as the new invention could

which delivers itself once you’ve ordered

not yet be taught to ring a door bell.

it on the telephone.

“She smart, but no’ that smart.”

Dr Luigi Di Deepcrustio of Palermo, Italy,

Due to the limited amount of rocket fuel

says the idea came to him when he

the pizza can carry, heavy toppings are

realised that the shape of a pizza meant it

discouraged for customers are some

was inherently aero-dynamic like a

distance from the launch site, though the

Frisbee. “I think to myself,” he explained,

Doctor is working on this problem.

“that the pizza she deliver herself if she

“The answer she’s a helium, I’m a

have small rocket engine. So, the

thinking. We bake the pizza in the oven

customer he order and give the address

she filled with helium which make her

and the pizza shop they make the pizza. Then they lighter. Then you have as much topping as you like, programme in-built chip with GPS co-ordinates and even salami, pineapple, peppers, whatever and she still launch pizza. Pretty soon the pizza she sitting on your reach your mouth and not land in other guy’s house.

table.”

We beat the world with this invention. The Chinese?

The Doctor added that customers would be advised to Chow mein, she no fly. America? The burger, she no

leave a window open to avoid any accidents when the fly. The pizza, she fly!”

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AMOCK / Page 22

A HISTORY OF SMALL INVENTIONS

The inventions which make up our modern world are

Kem Mdimba invented the

nose-drip

well known and their inventors are rightly lauded for

catcher. This

never caught

giving us a life of comfort and convenience. However, on,

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