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Sexologists at the Institute of Applied Naughtiness in Lille, France, have released a study which aims to
explain why humans persist in occasionally having relations in the so-called ‘doggy-fashion’ like most other
animals, when the face-to-face or missionary position is generally accepted to be the norm.
“It is the woman who decides,” stated Professor Carla L’Amour, “despite what men think. They believe that
they will spin their partner around and enjoy the bouncing off the bottom, but it is only when the female partner
is receptive that she will agree to be taken in this way.”
Previous studies have placed the origins of the missionary position at the time when humans became more
social animals and identified with each other as individuals. This has also explained the growth of female
bosoms, which are thought to replicate the curvature of the buttocks. But, though this all makes sense, it does
not explain why many couples will revert to the doggy position whenever possible. Some scientist have
theorised that this position offers a greater chance of conception, which is after all the primary purpose of
coitus, but no incontrovertible proof has been offered.
“It is all nonsense,” said Professor L’Amour. “The female partner goes through a sequence of thought
processes before she agrees to be intimate in this way. The sequence goes as follows. Firstly, the couple will
make the love in the traditional fashion but the man, being a dirty beast, will ask his lady to turn over. She will
refuse, and this is where the first interesting thought process occurs. She is thinking to herself – when he is
behind me and I cannot see him, he will make faces behind my back. He may stick out his tongue, or screw
up his face. Therefore I cannot permit him this liberty which will reduce us to the level of animals. But, after a
while, she will tire of this filthy swine pounding away at her. She will be disgusted at the leer on his face, the
sheen of sweat on his brow. How wonderful it would be, she thinks to herself, if it was the yummy Monsieur
Johnny Depp or the rugged Monsieur George Clooney who was giving it to me, rather than this pathetic sap.
And then it occurs to her that if she permits him to get behind her she can indulge her fantasies and imagine it
is her dream-boat who is doing the business. And this is why women allow men to take them from behind, so
they can indulge their fantasies. The extensive research I have done on my myself and my wimp of a
husband Maurice, proves this.”
“You can say what you like, but I think the so-called missionary
position is the only civilised way for man and woman to come
together,” says Fr. Sean O’Malley, church spokesman on
Naughty Matters and other Disgusting Things. “The animalistic
doggy-fashion thing, quite apart from its bestial connotations
can only lead to adultery and sodomy. A married man could
quite easily end up having intercourse with a woman who was
not his wife if he was to approach her from behind. And then
her bumhole’s quite accessible from there and I know all about
the temptation that lies there, believe me.”
Pic by Greg Hayter