Amock Comedy Magazine 3 HTML version

By Capt. J. F. Jefferson, Royal Navy (retd)
The primary error we made on our voyage was in
believing that the igloo was a sea-going vessel. It is, in
fact a dwelling place used by the Inuit and is constructed
of blocks of ice. I was not unduly worried for, as a
seasoned mariner, I knew that ice floated (see icebergs
and vodka on the rocks). What did concern me was the
fact that the vessel was rather small for the 5,000 tons
of supplies we had accumulated for the journey.
Accordingly we discarded the 30-piece orchestra we
had assembled to while away the evenings. I find music
very soothing and there’s nothing to beat it for relaxation
apart from beating a cabin boy to within an inch of his
life. But I was willing to live without to complete what
no doubt would be the crowning achievement of my
career. I knew that no man living had ever crossed the
Pacific by igloo though many had tried. The Norwegian,
Edmundsen, had his craft melt from under him within
sight of his departure point, and the Brazilian, Chorizo,
had been lost with all hands, without trace and without
leaving a will.
But, as an Englishman, I had a very limited imagination
and the perils of the deep held no fears for me. I would
have done anything to escape from Agatha and her
damned crochet.
I had assembled a goodly crew, every man jack an
experienced salt, an intrepid explorer and suitably soft
of head. My first mate was Ned Root-Vegetables, my
navigator, Tommy Trousers and my bosun, Alf Herring,
who’d once crossed the Sahara by Hindu.
One day out from Bristol I was informed that we were
nowhere near the Pacific and this puzzled me, till I
realised I’d been consulting a chart made by the ancient
Mayans who were notorious liars. We therefore lashed
the igloo to the pier and repaired to the nearest bar to
reconsider out plans. This was the beginning of our
troubles for we soon realised that our rum was laced
with LSD. (The full text of this article can be read in
Rubber Spanking Monthly Summer Special.)
The inaugural Dangerous Sports Olympics, to be held
in Antarctica in 2015, will feature the following sports,
the Organising Committee has announced -
? Listening to Justin Bieber
? Skydiving from the International Space Station
? McDonald’s eating
? Bear Tickling
? Volcano Hopping
Those wiling to participate should apply to the
committee with a certificate of insanity.
? Tiger Dentistry
? Infidelity with Wife’s Sister
? Baring Buttocks at a Gay Parade
? Crocodile Teasing
? Arsenic Swallowing
? Pork selling in Mecca
? Stealing whisky from a Scotsman
? Uranium Juggling