Amock Comedy Magazine 3 HTML version

The matter transporter, as shown in television’s Star Trek is just as important an invention as the warp drive
but its inventor rarely gets the publicity accorded to Zefram Cochrane. Cochrane, who came up with the
faster-than-light method of propulsion has been portrayed in both the original TV series and in a subsequent
movie, yet Roger Penge, the brains behind the transporter, is largely ignored.
Now, we can tell the truth about why this occurred and it lays to rest the lie that
dirty old men cannot also be great inventors.
Penge, it is generally acknowledged, was a genius, yet if accounts of his
behaviour are to be believed, seriously flawed. He was, in fact, a serial voyeur,
and it was this which motivated him to invent the transporter, a motive which the
scientific community wished to conceal.
He already had a string of convictions for spying on women before coming up with
his marvellous device, but once he had completed it there was no stopping him.
He would materialise in the dormitories of girls’ boarding schools, swimming pool
shower rooms, ladies’ bedrooms, anywhere he could get a sight of the naked
female flesh he was so obsessed with. Of course, he was reported to the authorities, but with his machine it
was impossible to catch him. As the police closed in on him he would simply dematerialise and re-appear in a
place of safety.
Charlatans were making fortunes selling transporter-proof coatings for the walls of ladies who didn’t want their
bits ogled, though of course they were no proof against Penge’s amazing contraption. Penge even put out a
Press Release claiming that the glittering effect when one materialised was only a special effect and not
necessary to the operation of the machine and any woman in her right mind would cover up when she was it.
He claimed that women were deliberately flaunting themselves at him. Despite this there was a general uproar
at Penge’s outrageous behaviour.
It fell to Ned Strange, head of the U.N.’s Anti Voyeur Squad, to capture the deviant and he did so by laying a
plan so devious that even now it is legendary in the annals of police work. Strange was a legend in the world
of anti-voyeurism and had been the vital player in the capture of the Park Avenue Peeper.He ordered all
women of planet earth to remain clothed till otherwise instructed. They were forbidden from disrobing to wash,
sleep or make love. Penge knew what he was up to but could not fight against his sordid desires. Within a
week he had surrendered himself, begging only to see a nude hologram of Betty-Mae Sheridan, the current
Miss Universe. In this way Roger Penge was brought to justice, though it did disappoint the manufacturers of
deodorant products.
This is the unknown legacy that lies behind Captain Kirk’s command to ‘Beam me up, Scotty.’