Amock Comedy Magazine 3 HTML version
OF GODS AND MEN by JOVE
To call us Gods is, I think, a bit of a misnomer. We’re not like, your actual Creator, more like early products of his creativity.
In the early days there was the Indian guys like Vishnu, Krishna and Shiva and then there was the Greek bloke, Zeus,
and the Scandinavian Odin. Later there was Yahweh of the Jews and young Al came along later for the other camel
jockeys. We were what you might call, Godlings, cause the Creator gave us a little share of his omnipotent powers.
I think he made a big mistake with the humans, because with them he diluted the powers right down, they have a hard
time farting and breathing at the same time. But He was determined to try and create a creature without any divine
abilities at all. Scientific curiosity, I reckon.
Anyway, they were a right shower, uncontrollable, having it off with goats and all sorts, so the Creator comes to me and
the boys and says, “Hey, you guys, I want you to sort out the humans, knock them into shape, try and instil some civilisation
“Why us?” says I.
“Shut it, Jove,” the Big One says, “There aint anybody else, so it has to be youse. I want you to guide the humans, give
them your wisdom, help them evolve.”
“Evolve?” hoots Odin, “The little fuckers haven’t even learned to wipe their asses yet.”
“And neither could you, before I taught you,” says God, “and now I want you to teach my newest-born creations.”
Well, you don’t argue with the guy that created the Universe, so we all nodded respectfully but Zeus couldn’t just accept
“Hey, Creator, we’re all family guys. What’re we gonna do with them while we’re training up the humans.”
“Run it like a family business,” God advises, “and the one that pulls if off gets promoted.”
You’ll understand that there was a lot of rivalry with us Godlings and we all wanted the Big One’s approval. Promotion
might mean there would be the ability to create a sub-species of our own, so that was a big incentive.
Now, we all started off with the best of intentions but human beings are the most cantankerous creatures that ever
occupied a planet and though we were giving them sound advice like don’t go round killing each other or robbing off each
other or having it off with another guy’s missus, the humans was happy to agree with everything we said and then go
ahead and do it anyway. Lying was not one of the gifts bestowed on humans by the Creator, they came up with that one
all by themselves. Worse than that, instead of us imparting our wisdom to them, us Godlings found ourselves picking
up on their nasty and devious ways. We was lying to our families and sneaking off down to Earth to have it off with the
humans, because it turned out they scrubbed up quite nice.
The Creator was well pissed off and that’s when he came up with the Jesus thing. He didn’t have any more Godlings to
assign to the project so he came up with a kind of hybrid God-man that was to guide the humans back to the ways of
godliness. He branched it off from Yahweh’s mob because he didn’t want to start from scratch again and, at first, it was
going quite well. The minute the humans got hold off it, of course, they twisted it all up and used it to control each other.
Telling them their particular church was the only way to access God and that priests had to be celibate, bullshit like that.
Like I said, the humans seemed to have a mind of their own and godliness wasn’t part of its make-up.
Now I know some of you are going to be saying, it’s the work of the devil, or Satan, or whatever you want to call it. Well,
I’ve got news for you, there aint no devil. Look at the logic of it. If there’s one God, the Creator, what made everything,
why would he make a devil that opposed His will? No, mate, if there’s devils, it’s you humans, and the only reason you
exist is cause God fucked up. If that’s sacrilege, I don’t care and he can strike me down with a thunderbolt whenever he
Anyway, this is just to let you know that the Creator’s finally coming to the conclusion that the civilisation experiment
didn’t work and pretty soon he’s going to be wondering what to do with his unruly creations. I wouldn’t bother packing,
you’ve got nowhere to go.
AMOCK / Page 25