Amock Comedy Magazine 3 HTML version

“Can you not let me try something a little more imaginative?”
“Like what?”
“A selection of dips, or vol au vents.”
Joe sighed. “Listen, son, none of my customers can even spell vol au vents, never mind eat them. Give them a ham
sandwich cut into a wee triangle and they reckon they’re the height of sophistication.”
“Ham sandwich? Bit of salad on them?”
“Salad? God forbid. This is a pub, not a health resort.”
“Helps with the presentation.”
“Presentation’s not a problem. Donna can make wee paper boats with the napkins.”
“So you’re actually giving them napkins.”
“You’re right. As it’s a special occasion we’ll call them serviettes.”
Susan was wiping the bar top as Norma approached.
“That’s barmaid’s disease you’re developing,” Norma said.
“What’s that?”
“A constant need to wipe surfaces.”
“What are you wearing to the fancy dress?” the self-appointed most popular barmaid asked.
“I hadn’t really thought about it. Something simple I’d expect.”
“Not me, I’m going to glam up.”
“And be what?”
“Oh there’s lots to choose from. Marilyn Monroe maybe. Or Madonna. Or Cher.”
“So hair colour’s not a factor?”
“I’ll get a wig, silly.”
“You’re really going to town on this.”
“I intend winning.”
“I don’t think staff are eligible for a prize.”
“But that’s not fair,” the younger girl whined. “We have to make an effort. Hire costumes and all that.”
“I think Donna expects us to use stuff from our own wardrobes. Like Rita’s schoolgirl thing.”
“But everybody’s seen all my clothes. They’ll know it’s me.”
“It’s a fancy dress, not a masked ball. We could save money by swapping clothes.”
Susan cast an appraising gaze over the older woman. “I don’t think so.”
“I could lend you my stockings and basque,” Norma said wickedly.
“You? A basque?”
But Norma only gave her a smug smile.
Joe was sitting at a table doing his paperwork as Donna sneaked up on him. “So what about prizes, boss?”
“Do we have to?” he asked wearily.
“You can’t have a fancy dress competition with no prizes.”
“Can’t they just compete for the honour of being best?”
“It’s not the Olympics, Joe.”
“Thank God for that, I’m fresh out of gold medals.”
“How about a bottle of whisky for best male and a bottle of vodka for best female. And half bottles for second prizes.”
Joe quickly computed the costs and made a decision. “Aye, okay, but the cheapest brands mind. And make it very
obvious to the punters that spending a lot of money over the bar increases their chances of winning no end.”