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A team of explorers has finally conquered the daunting south face of Mrs Elsie
Prendergast. The team, led by noted mountaineer Sir Ralph Crampon, took five
years to reach her peak, but achieved success last week by planting the Union Jack
on her snow covered summit.
“I was quite surprised when the Royal Exploration Society asked me to make the
attempt,” said Sir Ralph, “The north face is quite approachable and is quite a fun
climb for the experienced climber, but the south face is known as a man-killer. We
had hoped for native bearers, but even they were too scared to face up to the perils
of the south face. Some regard the south face of Mrs Prendergast as a deity and
think we have committed sacrilege by climbing it.”
This was proved when the local villagers burned Sir Ralph in effigy but also took
the opportunity to set alight some garden waste and the forty years of National
Geographic they had accumulated.
“We thought we might need oxygen,” continued Sir Ralph, “but that’s not because of the rarefied atmosphere,
it’s because the south face of Else Prendergast smells so awful. As it was we managed it just by holding our
Three members of the six man team did not return, all falling into the dangerous feature of the south face of Elsie
Prendergast known as ‘the crack’.
Pic by iwona_kellie
Professor Stan Bonkers, a scientist of no fixed abode, has claimed that he has created a time machine, travelled
to the past and witnessed many historical event.
“I have seen the building of the pyramids, the sinking of the Spanish Armada and I was even present at the
Sermon on the Mount. Great gig, what a performer that Jesus was, a real crowd pleaser.”
Professor Bonkers has not yet perfected his device to travel to the future and says that the methods he uses do
not allow him to bring back any artefacts from the past or affect past events.
“My machine creates a temporal bubble which encloses the time traveller,” he explained, “and transports him to
the time of his choosing. However I cannot guarantee accuracy as one time I thought I was in medieval England
due to the smelly peasants, only to discover I was at
Woodstock. I also cannot take photographs as cameras do
not work from within the bubble and to leave it would be folly
as one could be stranded in the past if one was captured by
marauding Vikings or the bubble collapsed due to an
electrical fault. I am a master of temporal mechanics but not
very good with soldering.”
Professor Bonkers has a long history of making outlandish
claims and has served time for financial fraud.