Amock Comedy Magazine 1 HTML version

Mr Arthur Tosspot has complained to the
Littlehampton Town Council that the local Wife
Swapping Society has treated him unfairly by
accepting him as a member and taking his annual
dues, only for him to
discover that none of the
married men in the small
English town wishes to have
anything to do with his wife,
“She’s not that bad,” he
insisted yesterday, in his
small, semi-detached home,
“a bit overweight and flat
feet, but you tell me who’s perfect. Mrs Blenkinsop
from Bank Street’s in a much worse state and they’re
round her like flies. If nobody fancies her, I don’t get
none neither.”
The Council are involved because they part-fund the
Society, a situation caused by the insufficiency of
funds to open a local library.
I am seek husband for my sister, Shakti. Price is three goats and one camel, no
haggling. She very good at collect droppings of cow, cook beans and sew dress, but
not high fashion, only peasant style. She 42 years old and not virgin as have had two
husband before (both missing). She is tell me she is not responsible for they disappear
and I am believe her, also local police commissioner agree for very small bribe. Village
elders confirm she officially widow and available. Is obviously used, hence low asking
price. No children, but fertile. Certificate available from Dr Patil for small fee (no
guarantees). Shakti have good nature and is easy going. Also tell good dirty jokes.
Hobby is collect shoes. Sometimes they not belong to her, hence criminal conviction.
Also like movies and is big fan of Basil Rathbone. Good homemaker and not smell
bad. Bodywork not too bad - no rust.
Firm offers to Achmed, Village Tokodar, Belochistan. Can deliver.
NB: Picture is not of Shakti. Picture is of very beautiful film star, Meena Mousse, but I use it to catch attention. This is cunning
marketing ploy I learn from western marketing agency. Shakti look nothing like this. This is the small print which you should not be
able to read.
“We had to give residents something in the way of
leisure activities,” said Cllr Nobby Backhander, “and
we couldn’t afford a swimming pool. The Council
realise that a wife swapping society is unfair on
unmarried residents but we believe in the institution of
marriage and if singles want to participate they know
where the church is.”
Local resident, Stan Quickie, a long-standing member
of the Society had his own opinion of why Mrs
Tosspot had failed to find any admirers. “She’s a
lovely girl, actually,” he said in the snug bar of local
pub, the Dog and Goose, “but she does make an
awful noise when she’s in action. Sounds like a fog-
horn. Honestly, it puts you right off.”
Regarding Mr Tosspot’s complaint, Cllr Backhander
was dismissive, “The Council has a duty to provide
facilities but not to police them. We provide tennis
courts, but we don’t get to say who plays.”
Mr Tosspot was not conciliated. “If I don’t get my
money back we’ll move. Smallhampton’s a nice place
and they’ll have it off with anybody there.”