Amock Comedy Magazine 1 HTML version
Former U.S. President George W. Bush is to take up a new career in natural history when he takes up his post
as a TV presenter. He will become an ape to give an insider's view of life in the African lowlands.
"This is not a man in a monkey suit," insisted programme producer, Gene Hackfish, "this is quality television with
plastic surgery and hair
But apehood was not the
former President's first choice as
he explained. "I wanted to be
a horse's ass because that's a
job I'm familiar with."
But Hackfish convinced Bush that horses were not indigenous
to the area, whereas gorillas were, and Bush bore a more than
passing resemblance to an ape.
"We've given him a crash course in gorilla behaviour,
which wasn't too hard for him to take in because basically all
they do is eat bananas and scratch their genitals," the producer said. "The interactivity with the other primates
will make fascinating viewing. I'm sure viewers will be dying to see if Bush can screw up Africa the way he did
"We have made him a male, but subservient to the silverback, who leads the troop, who would have killed him
otherwise," added Hackfish, "but with this strategy all he has to worry about is being mounted by the silverback
now and again who will aim to prove his dominance. But Mr. Bush has nothing to worry about as gorillas have
very small penises by human standards."
"That's the clever word for dicks, you know," Mr. Bush said, wisely.
NY WOMAN HAS ALIEN KID
Three year old Zebog's father is an alien named Voldo, says his mom, New York’s Irene
"Voldo won the right to mate with me in a competition," she explained, "He's a native of
Proxima Centauri and a travel company there posed the question of why Earthwomen
were so attractive. Voldo said it was because we're easy and he won! Isn't that romantic."
Brushing her blonde hair from her, eyes Irene continued, "He picked me up in his
shuttlecraft and took me up to his mothership. It's so big they have restaurants and
everything. We had a lovely meal of Sentidge and Freth and then went back to his quarters. We sat and talked
for, oh, at least two minutes before he took me in his three strong arms. He's a very important man on Proxima
Centauri because he owns a wosgul manufacturing plant, which I found very impressive. Voldo made love to
me in the Proxima Centaurean way which I found painful at first until I learned to relax. You may find it strange
that I managed to get pregnant by a non-human but Voldo's species have adaptive sperm and he told me he
could get any mammal on Earth pregnant."
On Zebog's human appearance she explained, "His alien characteristics won't come through till he reaches
puberty, but I'm sure he'll have a fine pair of horns, just like his father."