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Brigadier General Sir Lancelot Bayonet-Charge of the
Royal Smirnoffs has spoken out against rumours that
the government has plans to privatise the UK armed
forces. Speaking at his regimental barracks, Camp
Reebok, he was emphatic that notions to that effect
were the work of the nation’s enemies, aimed at
lowering the morale of the country’s fighting men.
take place the situations our military men envisage
could never occur. Water-tight contracts would
ensure that once a buyer had bought a soldier or a
tank or a battleship, they could not re-sell until any
conflict was concluded.”
But Sir Bayonet-Charge was not mollified. “No
soldier, sailor or airman is going to feel comfortable
going into battle under the flag of Kentucky Fried
Chicken, far less give of his best if he feels that he is
owned by a shoe salesman who happened to buy a
few shares in UK Armed Forces plc. Fighting for
Queen and
country is one
thing, and dying
for Viking
Summer Cruises
quite another.”
“It’s ridiculous,” he snorted aristocratically,
“Privatisation would mean that we would be available
to the highest bidder as maximising profit for
shareholders is the sole aim of the capitalist system.
Imagine it, we could be
in the middle of a battle
and an offer of £20
million from the enemy
might mean we were
fighting on their side. It
would never work and
I’m sure my colleagues,
General Landmine of
the Ford Focus Fusiliers
and Colonel Limited-
Casualties of the
Boeing Cavalry would agree.”
Mr Side-Step
however insisted
that privatisation
was not a fait
accompli. “We
are considering
many other options. One of them is for soldiers on
active service use advertising slogans as inspirational
war cries rather than their traditional ones. So, for
instance , the Gurkhas, rather than shout their
traditional ‘Ayo Gurkhali!’ Would shout ‘I’m Loving it!’
thus gaining immense publicity for MacDonalds.
Loudspeakers mounted on tanks and helicopters
could also play advertising jingles and bombers could
drop fire-proof advertising leaflets along with their
bombs. Think of the positive effects on a chap whose
house has just had its roof blown off, when he picks
up a leaflet and discovers that there’s a sale on
freezers at Walmart.”
He was joined in his denial by Rear Admiral Earl
Frigate-Salty of the Royal Navy, speaking aboard his
flagship HMS Windows 7. “This is a preposterous
notion,” he blustered, “Imagine the effect on an able-
bodied chap if he’d just fired off his torpedo and then
he had to swim out and get it back because we’d
changed sides. We have got quite enough
sponsorship as it is and privatisation would just be a
step too far.”
Spokesman for the Ministry of Defence (MOD)
Charles Side-Step said, “This is only one of the
options we are considering. The Armed Forces cost
the tax-payer a great deal of money and we must look
for other sources of revenue. If privatisation were to
Parliament is to debate the issue next week at the
Virgin Houses of Parliament.