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Abstrusion

00001.jpgWritten by

Candice James

Copyright 2010 Saddlestone Publishing
Box 5 – 720 – 6
thStreet, New Westminster, BC
Canada V3L 3C5
saddlestone@shaw.ca

TABLE OF CONTENTS
4. Gleaming
5. Eventuality
6. Shoreline
7. Naked And Needing
8. Written And Engraved
8. Your Absence
9. Sanctified
10. Sometimes
11. Sweet Hungry Fever
12. The Deep
13. The Key
14. The Pledge
15. Beyond The Shadow
16. The Truth Is
17. While You Lay Sleeping 18. Whisper My Name
19. Your Court
20. Whenever I Hear Your Voice 21. And Still We Plunge Deeper 22. Hate/Love
23. The Awakening
24. Branding Irons
24. The Edge
25. Broken
26. Creeping Damp
27. Even Less
28. I Succumb
29. Love’s Metal
30. Never Lost
31. No Stranger
32. Eternal
33. Survival
34. Thank You
35. Spectacular Nights
36. There Used To Be Lightning 37. Unchained
38. Unsearchable
39. When You Smile
40. Before You Looked Away 41. Lost
42. Crab Cakes & Jazz
42. Starlight Skating Rink
43. Even Brighter
44. I Can’t Run I Can’t Hide 45. Me Without You
46. Moving
47. No Way Out Of You
48. Oblivious
49. The Brush Of Your Breath 50. The Pledge
51. Some Endings
52. Stains
53. Survival
54. Then And Now
55. No Trace
56. The View
57. Always Searching
58. At That Crucial Moment 59. Broken Too Long To Be Fixed 60. How Can I
61. If I Cannot Cry
62. Late Last Night
63. Locked Out
64. Reversal
65. Safe At Last
66. Showdown
67. Sleeping Awake
68. That Moment In Time
69. The Remaining
70. This Relentless Rain
71. Winds Of Change
72. Western Wind
73. If I Saw You Again
74. Clearly

GLEAMIING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

It’s wet and gleaming with a deep intrinsic beauty And it’s not even raining.
It’s you reigning over an ocean of emotion,
Water streaked with kisses
That dance like diamonds on the surface of this dream We’ve fashioned with our passion.

Your face is the mirror I shine in. I was lackluster and unpolished. Then you plucked me from the dust Of some long forgotten wish
And made me come true.

You made wishes become horses And now I ride the winds of change Into the eye of this needle.

It’s gleaming so bright I’m blinded by its light

 

But sight is no longer required. All that’s required is you.

 

EVENTUALITY

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I’ll always acquiesce to your wishes On all levels
On all fronts
Because my happiness
Is contingent on yours.

I would that I could
Reach into my being
And pull out the essence of my spirit And shape it into a beautiful pulsating star That would light all your pathways with love From here to eternity.

I reach for you and in doing so Reach for myself
Reach for heaven
Reach for eternity
And cast my wish into the universe That I may spend every second Seeing only your eyes
Seeing me.

Belonging to you was never an option It was always an eventuality

 

SHORELINE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I have abolished all shallow water
And left yesterday’s sea as a distant shadow Bereft of all vessels
Save the love I sail on,
Destination your heart.

The breeze and I renew acquaintances And bond even deeper
For this final quest of quests.
The wind knows you well.
She whispers your name incessantly
As I breathe in its echo with quiet desperation.

Morning has broken
And I see you looming large
On the horizon of my dream.
Adrift, thirsting and burned
By the elements of life,
I stretch to grasp your bright looming shadow, That I may lay in the coveted cool of it And be whetted by your love
As it splashes me into reality.

You are the shoreline I’ve been waiting to reach All the days of my life.

NAKED AND NEEDING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Into the fire,
Naked and needing,
I jump heartlong
Onto the licking tongue of the flame you create.

It quenches the thirst,
Satisfies the hunger
That has run rampant within me
All those centuries I spent before you came to me.

Sliding down the blade of your knife At last I feel the true cut of love Taking me higher,
Making me fire.

To bathe in this fire you’ve created, To warm my frost bitten heart, To thaw my ice clad soul,
I will always come to you
Naked and needing.

WRITTEN AND ENGRAVED

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re my soul inspiration, my Muse.
It’s just after 10 PM and I had to call you Just to hear you voice,
As tender as slippery silk on the skin of my soul. As precious as golden pebbles
Skipping through the cool blue lakes in my mind Causing the currents of love to suddenly surface In a whirlpool of passion.

There have been other moments in my life But none as monumental or indelible
As these moments of you.
You cannot split the second I don’t think of you. You’re constantly with me.
Written and engraved on my soul.

YOUR ABSENCE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

Your Absence

 

Never gives way to relief.

When you’re gone
It’sa pause between centuries. Everything ceases to please

Your absence
If it ever became permanent Is something
More frightening than death.

SANCTIFIED

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

We lay on a sanctified carpet of love Blessed by each caress we exchange. Hot rain mixed with cool blue sunshine.

Wise men and angels
Could never feel or even be privy to
The depth of emotion you’ve aroused in me. Red neon icing melting in my mouth.

I thank you for this thrill. This escalation of spirit, This total loss of self
Inconceivable to most souls.

You
Surpass the beauty of any Rembrandt In my eyes.

You
Pale even the most vibrant sunset In my eyes.

We lay on our sanctified carpet of love Wielding the brush of emotion
Creating a masterpiece never to be forsaken.

We are the lost love letter
Written in the eye of emotion’s storm. You, and only you,
Have made this possible.

SOMETIMES

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Sometimes I think I can’t live in a tense
Or a person.
I seem to become mired and mirrored in the past And the future simultaneously.

The present somehow mysteriously eludes me. When I’m in it,
It is surreal
And elusive, almost non-existent
And yet
It’s where I most desire to be.

Sometimes I think
I’m not even real.
Then, I see your face
And suddenly everything makes sense again.

I only become real When you look at me.

 

SWEET HUNGRY FEVER

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

It’s such a sweet hungry fever Your primal kiss presents me with. Should I die to be reborn within it? Or should I shrink from it and hide Inside someone else’s smile?

Too Late!
I’m already drowning in the tender afterglow Of your warm embrace.

Smile
Just for me.
No one else but me.

Smile from your soul and pierce my being. I will turn it to gold and cherish it
Until 7 becomes 6

It’s such a sweet hungry fever you create in me. It’s fast becoming something
I may not be able to live without.

THE DEEP

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

It’s a feeling that fills my being totally, Yet still manages to somehow claw Even deeper into my soul.
Is it a brand new emotion
Or is it reminiscent of an old enchantment Faded & buried so deep in my psyche, So deep I’m not certain
It ever lived and breathed before?

No use to philosophize
Or burn the midnight oil sifting memories Because that was then and this is now. This is real and this is happening,
Racing at breakneck speed,
Raw Emotion
Never before so cutting yet comfortable.

I tenderly caress it with the fingers of my heart, Whisper it softly through the canyons of my mind. I touch it, hold it, nurture it and lovingly build it Into a poetic dream I can polish to perfection.

I dance with it, feel its rhythm pulsate through my core And change the beat of my heart.
I grasp it to my soul never to let it go,
For this is eternal magic, eternal flame
Never to be put asunder.

This is the wonder of absolute being. This is the wonder of you!

 

THE KEY

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

Whenever you’re gone
The Sun doesn’t shine as bright. The rain doesn’t feel as fresh or wet, The moon loses its luminosity. I lose myself.

There’s an indescribable ache, An unequivocal emptiness. Oh I get by,
But just barely.

The world becomes hazy
And the code to happiness becomes elusive And indecipherable.

Without you I’m locked

 

Inside a universe that doesn’t suit me.

 

You’re the only key That opens me.

 

THE PLEDGE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

I pledge my soul to you.

If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind
And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun
To warm the coldest moments
You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty
I will fill you up.
If ever you feel needy
I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise,
I will find you
This is my pledge to you

BEYOND THE SHADOW

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Sometimes in the course of the day, When I’m away from you,
There are moments that feel like years. They ache with a life of their own Chasing ghosts just beyond their shadow.

When you’re not with me
There’s a skulking numbness that pursues me And corners me in darkened alleys.
I become the shadow of a shadow,
Lost in life’s fog.

Sometimes the need to touch you Is so prevalent and all pervading -I can almost feel the fabric
And temperature of your skin.

Sometimes I close my eyes
And I swear I feel
The brush of your breath on my neck.

Moment to moment
You reign supreme in my universe. Beyond the shadow of a shadow.

THE TRUTH IS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

The truth is,
It has to happen fast or it doesn’t happen at all. I say “I love you”.
You say “ You don’t know me, or anything about me .”

The truth is,
Somewhere and someplace in time I’ve known you forever.
I know everything I need to know about you.

I see you through my eyes
And you are beautiful to me,
So I paint a picture
Of who I believe you are in my mind. I engrave my vision of you carefully And carve it meticulously
Into the blazing stone fireplace in my mind So it can never change.

This is who you will always be to me. I will always love the you I have painted. It is a masterpiece.
It is You Forever.

The truth is
This masterpiece I have painted of you Will never ever change
Because I am the Artist.
I have signed the painting,
And,
I have put away my paintbrush
Forever.

WHILE YOU LAY SLEEPING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

While you lay sleeping
I look at you.
I see all things beautiful.
Your tenderness is a warm vacuum of tingling nerves That I eagerly climb into without fear.

As I lay awake beside you,
While you lay sleeping,
I thank whatever Gods may be That they brought
You
To Me
The One who’s needed you so much.

As I gently caress your body
I lay my cheek softly on yours:
To listen to your breathing,
To get a little closer to your dreams, To be near you wherever you have gone, While you lay sleeping.

Pressing my body to you,

 

I feel my spirit melt through yours.

 

I fall asleep inside your love, While you lay sleeping.

 

WHISPER MY NAME

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

Whisper my name And I will hear it.

 

Even though you’re far away from me tonight,

 

I keep you safe in the warm hold and gentle fold of my spirit.

I frame wings with my thoughts And fly them straight to your heart On the winds of love

Across the universe tonight I’m holding you,
Caressing you,
Kissing you,
Loving you

Somewhere this side of heaven. Invisible,
Indivisible,
Indelible
Imprinted on the fabric of eternity.

Vulnerable

 

Only to a deeper degree of love.

 

Whisper my name. I will hear you.

 

YOUR COURT

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I spend most of my lucid waking moments Touching you with the fingers of my mind. Every moment I’m breathing
I want to hold you,
Kiss you,
Touch you,
Love you.

I’ve spent most moments since I met you Thinking of you
And wanting to hold you close to me forever.

The ball is in your court.
Return it to me
If you’re ready for the real thing

Or

Zip up your raquet For another day, Another court,
Another love.

WHENEVER I HEAR YOUR VOICE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Whenever I hear your voice
Something ethereal whisper to my heart. It’s like a cool waterfall flowing over me In a torrid blazing fire.
It’s like a midnite sun beating down On a cold hard winter night.

Whenever I hear your voice
Magical moments rush in
On a swift incoming tide
Washing through every corner of my mind.

Whenever I hear your voice

 

I realize just how alive I actually am these days.

The world spins a little faster, Shines a little brighter
Whenever I hear your voice.

AND STILL WE PLUNGE DEEPER

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

We slid down
The hot steel blade of love’s knife
Unscathed.
No wounds, No bleeding,
Just a deeper more profound understanding and respect For this deep emotion.

We rolled our hearts like loaded dice Across the valley of love’s landmines Undamaged
And today they still beat
In perfect rhythm with each other, Only for each other.

You’re so very close to me
Sometimes I’m sure you are me, and I am you Inside this netherworld exchange we nestle in nightly.

We rock in our cradle of love,
Polished to brilliant stone
Sprinkled with the burnished orange stars we’ve created.

This is a deep as it gets
And still we plunge deeper
Into the beckoning abyss of each other.

HATE/LOVE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

I hate you

 

And yet I love you.

 

I hope you miss me so much you break, And yet I hope you never break.

 

I hope you cry all night long with no respite, And yet I don’t wish even one tear to stain your face.

 

I hope you’re cold as ice each night without me, And yet I wish you warm blankets and dreams.

 

I hope your feet and back ache incessantly, And yet I wish you freedom from all pain.

 

I hope you are so depressed you can’t function, And yet I wish you total happiness and serenity.

 

I hope your heart aches in agony And yet I wish you peace and joy.

 

I wish you were still mine, And yet I’m thankful you’re not.

 

I hate you,

 

And yet I love you.

 

THE AWAKENING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

When you’re starving, crumbs will not suffice. When you’re just hungry they will.
If a feast isn’t to your liking
You’ll leave the table still wanting.

I wanted
The things that remained ungiven I wanted
The tarnished golden ring to shine I wanted
The you that you hid so well.

When I tried to dream my wishes to life Reality became so hazy.
I saw things as they really weren’t.

When the alarm clock in my dream screamed to be heard I was forced to open my eyes.
A new dawn splashed
A shock of cold water
On the face of my heart.

The smoke and mirrors disappeared. Reality suddenly seemed so real So harsh.

When the awakening came The dream vanished!

 

BRANDING IRONS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Sometimes I fear you
And your source of tears; Jewels trickling down the cheek Of a hazy cherished memory.

You blend your evil and your magic So magnificently
In the guise of primal passion.

You have tied me to the secrets That hide in your blood,
And so we mingle
With lost innocence.

Behold,
Our hands are branding irons As we touch each other’s soul.

THE EDGE

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

I’m at the edge of your embrace Teetering on a shaky precipice. I’m at the edge of my sanity
And ready to jump if you leave me.

I’m dying here at the edge of a sad song And begging you to save me.

 

Another postcard from the edge Coming soon.

 

BROKEN

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

If I ever needed to win something I need to now.
I lost everything when I lost you.
Disillusionment runs rampant
Across the barren landscape of my heart.

I’m having a very bad day today Bourne of missing you monumentally.

I’m desparate
For your touch,
For your voice.
Everything I am is tangled up in you.

I can’t face people.
I can’t face the world.
I can’t even leave the house today. My condition is too fragile.

You’ve broken me.

 

CREEPING DAMP
Candice James Copyright 2008

And now the empty days begin To match my empty heart,
Like two lost earrings in a sea of tears.

The numbness crept in,
With immediate effect,
On tiny wornout slippers.
It was over in a heartbeat,
A single heartbeat that shook the heavens And broke my soul.

We went through so many heartbeats together Yet in one fell swoop our heartbeats separated Like the Red Sea parting.
We were the deposed Pharoahs
Engulfed by this disaster we were destined for.

Star crossed, right from the beginning, And too focused on the moment To check the darkness
Lurking in the corners,
We murdered the love we so coveted.

Some things, even though pre-destined Never come to fruition,
And then the emptiness creeps in On cold damp weary feet.

EVEN LESS

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

I’ve looked at love from all sides now, Waxing, waning, disseminating On the moonlit shore of dreams.

I’ve seen this miracle awaken

 

I’ve watched it break down to nothing.

I’ve looked at love
Through childhood’s page
Through teenage fears and middle age. I’ve tasted its honey.
I’ve wasted its money.
I’ve exalted it.
I’ve faulted it.

The golden years are here
Strewn with silver tears
And threaded through the eye of yesterday’s needle.

I’ve looked at love from all sides now And understand it
Even less.

I SUCCUMB

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Moping and groping,
Searching to find a tranquil thought To stave off this infiltrating insanity.

What happens to the heart
When you realize the one you count on Isn’t going to be there ever?

What happens to the mind When the emotional turmoil Becomes so tightly wound The threads of sense break?

An empty gnawing feeling
Begins to claw its way into the soul Perhaps to nap
Perchance to sleep the endless sleep.

Unravelling to the 23rd degree For the 24th time
I succumb
To the numbness
I’ve become.

LOVE’S METAL

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

The tears I cry
Are wetter than ever before As I watch them fall onto
The imaginary mirror of this page.

I see reflected in them “the possible” And “the impossible”.
I see you. I see me.
I see us
And then I don’t see us.

The teardrops meet and blend
And I see the dream I had for us.
The dream I’ve tried so hard to make come true. It’s reduced to teardrops,
Adrift on a tide of raw emotion.

It’s still intact,

 

But it’s heavy with love’s metal.

I can’t pick it up by myself. Maybe you could help me lift it So we can hold it to our hearts And make them new again.

Right now,
I’m just staring at the dream And praying it doesn’t evaporate.

NEVER LOST

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

When you can’t find a song to thrill you anymore, I will be your music.
When you can’t find a dream to build on anymore, I will be your foundation.
When you can’t find the passion that flared before, I will be your candle in the wind, your primordial spark. When life is unfair and you’re world weary,
I will bring you fresh new moments
Laced with the fragrance of flowers
Sprinkled with morning dewdrops.

When you’re soul is thirsting,
I will be your water, your river, your lake.
When your chest feels tight and the air becomes thin, I will be your breath.
When you feel a frost starting deep inside you,
I will be your fire. I will vanquish the chill and destroy the ice.

When you lose yourself, I will always find you.

 

NO STRANGER

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

The wind whispers your name And drifts daydreams of you
Through the canyons of my reverie.

You’re no stranger to this secret territory. Instantly my blood recognizes you And my pulse quickens.

I see your image
Across every sunlit sky.
I smell your essence
In every raindrop that touches my skin. I feel your love everywhere,
Surrounding me,
Sanctifying me,
Keeping me safe
Inside the warm hold of your heart.

We never were strangers. We were one
The moment we first touched.

ETERNAL

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Where we are concerned
There is no beginning, middle or end. Our love always has been,
Always is,
And always will be.

Eternal.

You claim me just by looking at me. You own me just by touching me. You keep me safe just by speaking to me. You transform me into pure love Whenever I hear you whisper my name.

When I speak of love I speak of you. There has never been another. There never will be.

Eternal.

 

SURVIVAL
Candice James
Copyright 09.27.2008

Don’t ever doubt
The depth of my love for you. It’s a perpetual circle
That begins and ends In the vortex Of your very being.
It transcends all levels of reality, Known and undiscovered.

There is no music
When you’re gone.
There is no sunshine
Without your smile.
There are no dreamscapes Without your eyes.
There are no sensations Without your touch.
There is no love
Without you.

I become lost in a damp fog Whenever you remove yourself From my world.

Return to me.
Smile for only me.
Touch my heart to bring it alive again.

Bring back the music,
The sunshine,
Bring back the dreamscapes, The sensations.
Bring back your love
That I may survive.

THANK YOU

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Thank you
For the nights in white satin; For the days strewn with sunshine; For the moments of glory;
For the glimpse into infinity; For the creative inspiration.

Thank you
For all the little things; For all the big things; For the magical mornings; For the mystical evenings; For all the indelible days.

Thank you
For holding me so close; For kissing me passionately; For caressing me tenderly; For touching my soul;
For loving me.

I always knew
You could never be mine But thank you for trying.

SPECTACULAR NIGHTS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

The nights of you and I
Those spectacular nights
Glittering with the dust of diamonds, Alive with the touch of silk,
As we lay feathered together
Inside our pillowed dream.

Glory abounded and heaven smiled As we exchanged each other
Inside the breathing bullet we fired. We touched each other’s soul And layed claim to love.

We embraced, and touched the sun. We kissed, and entered heaven. We made love and became pure spirit.

Some things can’t be stopped: A tidal wave;
An erupting volcano;
Our love.

Those spectacular nights of you and I Will live forever
In my memory.

THERE USED TO BE LIGHTNING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

There used to be lightning
To illuminate my darkened universe. It flashes no more.

There used to be a key
To access a world of happiness But tears have submerged the door.

There used to be soft raindrops To cleanse and wash away the hurt That careless words created.

There used to be sanity
To understand the emotions We were spinning
Til sense became too inebriated.

There used to be so much love Before we became lost.

There used to be lightning. Now,
There’s only a faint echo Of distant thunder.

UNCHAINED

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Chained to a ghostly speck of dust The weight was unbearable.
Lost between pulse beats
The silence was defeaning
So I dove into a sea of forgetfulness And became suffocated with memories

Burned by an icy finger,
Warmed by a frozen palm print,
Silver pathways began to form and disappear Flashing off and on
In some bizarre neon dimension of soul.

A snowdrift of anti matter
Swept me off my fountain of fear. I floated through many universes Finally coming to rest on you.

No longer chained to a ghostly speck of dust I languish safely
Inside your red hot deafening pulse beat And it is enough.

You are all I hear

 

UNSEARCHABLE

`
Candice James
Copyright 2008

As the rain falls,
Sky tears mingle with mine As I become one
With this coldest night of nights.

I’ve seen fire,
But tonight I can’t even recall what it felt like. This chill is too encompassing.
This rain is too hard.

Sometimes I feel I’m part of the rain, Or it’s a child of mine
Stillborn inside a veil of sorrow.

I’ll wrap this rain around me To save me from myself Until I am the rain.
I’ll fall softly through oblivion Until I become unsearchable

WHEN YOU SMILE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

When you smile and your eyes sparkle,
I catch a fleeting glimpse of the many magical moments to come. I see virgin lands of love laying wantonly in wait
For the fingertips of my mind to discover.

From this one glimpse into paradise

 

I can and will create a coveted new fabric to clothe your soul in.

If I could:
I’d harness the moon and stars
To light your darkest hours;
I’d lasso the wind and weave it into a tender towel To dry your wettest tears;
I’d package the soft summer rain in a golden vial To soothe your fevered brow;
I’d glean the colors from a beautiful sunset To paint your life with enchantment and love.

If I could do these things for you Believe me, I would.

Smile once, for only me,
That I may save it
To keep me dry on a rainy day.

When you smile,
You make my heart stand still. And you always will!

BEFORE YOU LOOKED AWAY

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

You were my world.
My sun rose and set on only you.
You were my moonlight.
My dreams turned to gold inside your embrace. You were the brightest star in my sky,
Spilling dust on my heart to warm it.
You were my greatest passion.
The flame burned so hot
Some embers will never die.

You were the love of my life, And though we’re parted You remain the love of my life.

The last time I saw you
I looked at you hard with love And saw the story of my life Written in your eyes
Before you looked away.

LOST

 

Candice James Copyright 2009

Molten lead
Dripping from the Universe’s pencil Runs through me onto these pages And creates the comfort I so covet.

Steel teardrops
Stolen from the sea of love Lacerate my eyes.

Indigo dreams,
So dark they hide magical moments. Never quite real
And now,
Almost forgotten.

I’m lost.
I’m searching for that part of me I lost inside you.
If I can find it,
I won’t be lost anymore.

Molten lead, steel teardrops and indigo dreams Are my constant companions.

When the last spark of love I feel for you has finally died, They’ll belong to you.

CRAB CAKES & JAZZ

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

Whenever I think of crab cakes and jazz I’ll be remembering you.
When I recall heartaches and tears I’ll see a vision of you.
Whenever I lose something I want I’ll be thinking of you.

As the years pass by and we’re far apart, In a hazy memory,
Your image will flash
On the screen of my mind -
Sometimes dripping with love;
Sometimes drenched with tears;

But whenever I think of crab cakes and jazz I’ll remember you.

 

STARLIGHT SKATING RINK

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

 

I’m skating on starlight just outside your vision.

 

Showering in moonbeams, turning to silver.

All my moments are filled with loving Candice James I’ll pass your way again, and if you’ve got your skates on
Reach out for me and I’ll grab your hand and never let it go. We’ll dance together forever in this starlight skating rink
I built for only you, just outside of heaven’s door.

I need to always be with Candice James I’ll offer you the key. If you touch it gently
With your diamond love my world will turn to gold.

EVEN BRIGHTER

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

You’re my water
When my spirit is dying of thirst. You’re my sustenance
When my soul is bleeding with hunger. You pour your essence over me. I’m alive again.

In my eyes
You shine
Like a beautiful multi-faceted diamond. I know all your edges.

To my body
You feel like rich luxurious velvet Burning new descriptions
Indelibly into my fingertips.

To my mind
You are life and death
And the long winding pathway Through ecstasy and agony.

To my spirit
You are my soul
You stoke the embers in my mind. You create my fire.

You will never be homeless. You’ll always live inside me. I breathe on your flame
That you may burn even brighter.

I CAN’T RUN – I CAN’T HIDE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

The cracked sidewalks I’m traveling, Shift haphazardly and yawn a warning Into my deafened soul.

I try to run.
I try to hide
As the landscape of my heart Breaks into brittle needles & pins.

I feel the vines of prophecy Climbing like ivy in my mind Seeking their own truth As they slide around my neck To handcuff my breath.

It’s a long slow kind of death I never chased down,
But somehow it found me And became mine
When you waltzed into my life.

I can’t run.
I can’t hide,
But I can dance this song to death That I may be reborn
Into someone else’s rhapsody.

ME WITHOUT YOU

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

It’s like walking to the bedroom,
But when you arrive
You feel like you’re only halfway there. Sometimes I find myself turning around And waiting for myself to catch up with me.

It’s a rabid displacement of all things Familiar and forgotten.
Memories flash off and on,
Haze in and out.
The good ones try to outsmart the bad ones, But they all end up
On the slaughterhouse floor of my heart.

It’s like walking into your own heart And not recognizing it.
Somehow it’s become a total stranger Wandering haphazardly through your mind.

It’s like walking through heaven’s door And ending up in hell.
This is me
Without you.

MOVING

 

Candice James Copyright 2009

Moving through these unknown times I’m spinning on a dime
Pretending it’s a quarter,
Fooling only the sad clown
In the last row of this theatre of doom.

Moving through this night so long There’s no whisper of light, No lure of warmth,
No blanket to hide under
Except this sheet of tears
This space of ice.

Moving through this hard edged desperation There’s only crimes
And suicides of the heart
To be investigated;
To be dissected;
Then blessed;
Then divested.

Eventually
Moving through Becomes
Moving on.

NO WAY OUT OF YOU

 

Candice James
Copyright June 3, 2009

You pulled that rug right out from under me When I wasn’t expecting it.
Good thing I’m an experienced cat not a kitten I managed to land on my feet
And only broke my heart.

I’m direly in need of some exotic catnip But unfortunately you’re the only source I know And you’re not supplying me anymore.

I’m teetering on a high voltage tightrope Too frightened to open my eyes
And too scared to take a step
For fear of falling into the truth.

I should have checked for a safety net
Before I entered the circus ring in your dangerous heart. I’m stuck in the middle with no supplier and no safety net And, no way out of you.

OBLIVIOUS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

I always seem to be
Running up against horizontal zippers
In a vertical world.
I never get to fully open the fabric of this nightmare So I never can see everything all at once.

I just get fleeting glimpses Into these pockets of hell, Searching for a heaven That just cannot be found.

So I’ll just keep spinning
Round and round
In this square prison of water
I find myself trapped in.
Drowning,
But happy in the knowledge
That you won’t notice the tears.
In fact,
You probably won’t even notice the water.

THE BRUSH OF YOUR BREATH

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Smoke rings rising in images of you. I see all possibilities in them for a moment For all time, and then,
I see only one possible moment.

The altered atmosphere,
Creates and molds a statue,
A cathedral unto itself,
Sculpted at the edges of castle deep.

Left behind and dissolving
Into a beckoning sea,
All negative vibrations suddenly disappear With the brush of your breath on my soul.

I’m a vagrant of love
Claiming clemency from all separations. The brush of your breath on my spirit Is the wind beneath my wings.

THE PLEDGE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I pledge my soul to you.
If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind
And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun
To warm the coldest moments
You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty
I will fill you up.
If ever you feel needy
I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise,
I will find you
This is my pledge to you

SOME ENDINGS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

Sometimes I have 20/20 vision
And other times I’m almost legally blind. Either way,
I should have seen at the start
We’d never have a happy ending.

Some endings are so hard to take You just can’t read that book again. The only evidence that you’ve read it Is the pages that crumpled
As your teardrops slowly dried And stained the ink on the page.

We became indecipherable
And love disappeared
Like frost on the grass.
Without warning, you broke my heart. I still can’t believe I never saw it coming.

Some endings are too hard to take And I just can’t read that book again,

 

Ever.

 

STAINS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

I thought about you this morning
And the tears began again.
Lately they’re a frequent yet unwelcome visitor. Thank God they are only momentary
And haven’t taken up permanent residence yet.

I see the tearstains on love’s page
And wonder at the world that must exist inside them. Some of them look lonely,
Some emanate anger,
And a few special ones
Hold the remnants of lost love.

“Everything is a universe unto itself”. I know this must be true
Because you are a universe unto yourself Far separated from love and me.

Nestled in the warm damp
Of tears on my pillow
I realize you are the stain on my soul That not even death can wash away.

SURVIVAL

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

When I saw you this morning
You were a sight for sore eyes.
Wild and wooly, hair disheveled and hung over. You still looked absolutely beautiful to me. As you neared the car
I could feel your heat
And the ice in my heart
Began a silver thaw
Inside that golden moment.

We had good times. We had bad times. When I remember the bad times
Even they feel good now.
I’ve carefully wrapped them up
In their own special melancholy afterglow.

When I saw you this morning
Hung over and disheveled
The flood gates in my heart opened
And I let you in once again to do more damage, But not before I put on my life jacket
And grabbed a few golf balls for you.
Because I never know where we’ll end up, I want to ensure you’re happy
And make sure I don’t drown.

At the heart of the matter, It’s a matter of survival.

 

THEN & NOW

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

In the beginning,
A meeting of the eyes, A meeting of the minds. A meeting of the bodies. A meeting of the hearts, And finally
A joining of the souls.

And then,
The anger, the disillusionment,
The airport where we boarded the future And finally
We flew apart
In our opposite wounded directions.

And now,
Teardrops in my eyes,
Desolation in my mind, A chill throughout my body, An aching in my heart. And finally
A breaking of my spirit.

The me I knew so well Will never live again. It died inside of you.

NO TRACE

 

Candice James Copyright 2009

I took the little labels,
Identifying the frets,
Off the Dobro tonite.
Since we don’t make beautiful music anymore, I couldn’t see much sense
In you trying to play it with me again.

In a way it felt bad,
But in a way it felt so good
To peel those little labels off Like you peeled my love off of you.

As I look at the Dobro now
There’s no trace at all
That the labels were ever there.

I need to always be with Candice James If I chance to see you again
I’m just as certain
There’ll be no trace
That I was ever there.

THE VIEW

 

Candice James Copyright 2009

When you came into view today You looked so good,
Wearing the blue Nike T Shirt I bought you for your Birthday.

Did I look good
Wearing the heartache
You bought me for my Deathday?

When I looked into your eyes
I saw both confusion and care.
I thought I’d see nonchalance
But if it was there you hid it well,
Much the way you hide your true emotions.

When you kissed me,
I wondered,
Was it goodbye or a new kind of hello.

When you came into view today My world started spinning again For a short while,
Before the moment ended
And you faded through the doorway.

ALWAYS SEARCHING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

Winter’s creeping into this lonely city And I want to stand in someone’s shadow. I want to stand in your shadow.
I need to hide in your shadow.
I long to live in your shadow
Taking up permanent residence
In a land sans tears.

I’m caught in the quiet of a cloud Flying sidelong into a mountain Of moments I may not be able to Calibrate or estimate,
And all the while
I’m listening to the breeze
As it rolls in and rocks
The ancient suspension bridge Hanging by a thread in my mind.

The book of days lays open
On a dust riddled table of dreams. The pages turn in slow motion As they erupt from their
Shallow burial ground.

During these intervals of upheaval I need to find a safe place to land.

I’m always searching
For your outstretched arms,
For the safety of your smooth runway.

I’m always searching For you.

 

AT THAT CRUCIAL MOMENT

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

At that crucial moment last night,
It was like holding shiny stardust in the palms of my hands. It was like living a million love scenes
From the greatest movies ever to grace the silver screen. It was like coming home from the longest journey ever, The thirst finally over, the throat fully slaked,
The hunger abated, the spirit sated.
It was you laying beside me again after
An absence longer than eternity.

I felt the depth of the thrill just as deep
As I felt the icy cut of the knife when you left me, The last time, the longest time, the most Terrifying time, right up until
That crucial moment last night,
When you came home and killed the cold.

The sheets rumpled and sighed under the weight Of your glistening body as you flowed onto Onto me like a wave caressing the shore. I crumbled and sighed as I slid into your arms Your mouth, your body and your soul.
It felt so surreal and yet it was the only real Life since you’ve been gone.

Inherently present in every cell that comprises me You run savagely, silently, soothingly
Freedom became lost the first time I swam In the dark of your eyes.
At that crucial moment then
And at that crucial moment last night
I came full circle back to you
And finally found myself.

BROKEN TOO LONG TO BE FIXED

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

The sun is trying to break through the clouds. In search of a brand new moment
And I’m trying to dance with invisible diamonds On a sea of glistening dreams.
It’s a new dance with new music
That I just can’t seem to comprehend.
I’m not used to the gentle steps
And the tender twists and turns
So easy to navigate.

But, alas,

 

I’ve been broken too long to be fixed.

Bring back the tidal waves and savage storms. Bring back the leaky boats with broken oars. Bring back the tattered sail and the cracked mast. Close up all the safe harbors to seek repairs in.

Launch me back into your stormy sea of shipwrecked dreams And smile for me one last time,
As I embrace the drowning.

I’ve been broken too long to be fixed

 

HOW CAN I ?

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

How can I cool my lips After your fiery kiss? How can I dream again If you’re not part of it?

How can my arms react If it’s not your embrace? How can I hide the trace Of these tears on my face?

How can I stop the rain? How can I quell the fear? How can I ease the pain If I can’t hold you near?

How can I face this storm If you won’t keep me warm?

 

I can’t

 

Unless you return to me.

 

IF I CANNOT CRY

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

 

Goodbye my love.

It’s hard to watch love die.
Please forgive me if I cannot cry.
So many questions without answers why. Too many tears made my eyes run dry.

So many pillowcases soaking wet
So many failed attempts to raise the dead. Too many writings better left unread.
Sometimes I wish we had never met.

Too many times you didn’t take the time. So many heartaches. It was such a crime. You made your stand then you walked away. This debt’s now yours and you will have to pay.

Goodbye my love.
It’s hard to watch love die.
Please forgive me
If I cannot cry.

LATE LAST NIGHT

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

Late last night
The moon hung high in the sky, Hazy inside it’s corona.
The inner recesses of my mind Penetrated its core
With a message for only you.

Tell him:

I’m in love with him.
I ache for only him.
My tears are in the rain.
My sighs are on the wind.
My heartache is trapped inside this storm

Of needing him;

His voice,
His touch,
His presence. His warmth, His magic.

Late last night
I fell to my knees and begged the moon To deliver this message
Straight from my heart to yours.

Late last night
There wasn’t another living soul in my world Except you.

LOCKED OUT

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

Your image is burned into my mind,
Seared into my heart,
Scorched into my soul,
And it always will be the biggest part of my spirit. I see your face everywhere,
In everything,
Even in transparencies.

I look into the mirror
And I see you staring back at me.
I’m imprisoned in an atmosphere of needles and pins. I try to succumb to this numbness I’ve become, Then your image flashes again
And I’m hanging by a thread
Turning into a rope.
I’m trying to climb back into the us I lost
Before you locked me out.

Someday I’ll find
The key to your heart again. The only key that unlocks mine.

REVERSAL

 

Candice James Copyright 2009

I parked the car the opposite way tonight Hoping that somehow
It might reverse the recent events in my life; Hoping it might change my energy field And attract you back to me.

As I walked through the underground Toward the elevator door
I was hoping it might all be just a bad dream. I got into the elevator and wished for you. Each step I took down the hallway to my door Was filled with the anticipation
That you might be inside waiting for me.

My wish came true until I opened the door
And found the emptiness you left waiting there for me. I didn’t turn the light on right away.
I just stood there silently in the dark
Listening to my heartbeat,
Wondering where yours was.

Maybe tomorrow
If I drive in reverse I can change things And you’ll come back to me.

SAFE AT LAST

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

It’s a summer hammock kind of feeling On a warm breezy day.
Drifting through notions
And oceans of emotions,
Semi sunstruck and pierced with diamonds, We move in tandem.

We are the cyclists
Burning new grooves
Deep into this highway of love we travel. Winding roads,
Hidden potholes,
And looming cliffs
Don’t frighten me anymore.
Because I’m traveling with you,
I know I’m safe at last.

SHOWDOWN
Candice James
Copyright 2009

Inside the fullest effulgence of a moonbeam Encompassing a solitary teardrop,
I sometimes believe I can see the real you Hiding inside this dampened dream.

This nocturnal film noire
Starring your illustrious smile,
Produced by your exceeding heat,
Directed by your familiar flame
Excites me even more than before
Inside the fullest meaning of my heartbeat.

The reel runs both ways,
In Technicolor and Cinemascope,
Then black and white,
Dark and light,
Like a breathing bullet
Searching for embodiment
Inside the fullest moment of this showdown We’ve created for each other.

SLEEPING AWAKE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

I spend my nights sleeping with sleep Caressing its invisible chanting breath As I feel it brush the eastern side of my cheek In a westerly wind kind of essence.
I hear the chime of a distant bell
Thundering inside a cloud too far.
The skies eyes have narrowed in on me And every part of my mind is being
Scrutinized past the point of tears or pity. Her invisible fingers have touched my flesh. She is dissecting the arteries in my heart Reading the lies I’ve been hiding in my blood.

I’m running down a barbed wire trail Barefoot, headlong into the wall of
Granite flecked wind that beats on my Skin but never breaks the surface.
I must be heading toward a destination But I don’t know it’s name and I can’t Seem to find reference to it on any map. I slow down the pace for a bit
Trying to figure out exactly where I am But as I slow the pace the barbed wire Trail I’m travelling on cuts into
My uncalloused feet and the bleeding starts. I’ve seen this kind of bleeding before. Once it came from my heart and my soul

At night when I’m sleeping alone, I sometimes sense you’re beside me. I could swear I hear you breathing Into the pillow beside me.
This is my favorite pretense.

THAT MOMENT IN TIME

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

Driving down 6th Street at that moment in time, All I saw was the back view of a man on the sidewalk, A shock of salt and pepper hair,
A cel phone to his ear
And an umbrella hanging down from his belt.

I knew in an instant, by the fit of the pants,
The posture, and the umbrella hanging down from the belt That it was you!

A couple of blocks earlier I had the feeling you were nearby And Presto! There you were
Magically appearing
Out of the universe’s bag of tricks
To fulfill this burning, yearning inside me.

There are over 100,000 people in this city But somehow, I knew I’d see you today, Touch you today,
Kiss you today.

At that moment in time
When our hands touched and our lips met, I was home again
For a moment.

THE REMAINING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

When will you give your love to me again? And, will you give it to me again?
As I lie in bed this question repeats And repeats itself in my mind.

Where did I lose you and when?
Was it on the street of faded dreams? Was it when I wasn’t paying enough attention?

If ever you filled my heart and mind More than now,
It must have been in some other Heartbreak Hotel I built, chained up By an icy rope of memory’s teardrops.

Everywhere I go I look for you.
I search the streets and avenues,
On hot sultry days
On white snowy nights,
In every corner of my heart,
At the far edge of my sanity.
I never take a step without you.
You’ve never left my thoughts or my heart.

Where will I see you again, and will I? In life? In death? When?

Until then
I remain waiting. I’ll never give up.

THIS RELENTLESS RAIN

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

It’s raining all over my world:
Lonely days,
Killer nights,
Communication breakdown all around.

I’m curled up into a ball
Trying to roll into a parallel universe Where I know the other me is happy. I’m trying to tie my spirit to a kite And fly high and far away from this rain.

Where am I?
I know I’m somewhere in this world But I’m so far removed from me now, It’s almost like I’m not real anymore. Like the world isn’t real anymore. All that’s real
Is this relentless rain.

WINDS OF CHANGE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

 

Windswept, tearstained and star crossed The odds were against us right from the start.

It was like a split second
Unexpected hemorrhage of the heart. In the beginning
The color was so brilliant,
So red,
So beautiful and hot,
We didn’t realize we were dying of emotion.

Death walked in the dark of us,
On soft velour slippers.
We never heard it coming.
It’s shadow fell across us like a blanket of doom. We split apart like wet kindling
Never to burn together again.

The tears drowned the dream. The stars crossed again
As we watched love drift away On the restless winds of change.

WESTERN WIND

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

 

I cried to the western wind

 

Chanting “Please bring him back again”

The rain’s really pouring down.
Reality’s spinning around.
My blue world is decorated with
Bright red heartaches and glistening teardrops. I feel the blood coursing through my veins, Screaming your name,
Like a hard edged cut
In the womb of my mind,
In the tomb of my heart.

Since we’re apart
I’m only a part
Of who I really am.
You’re the other half of me.

I walk with your ghost continuously. And I’ll cry to the western wind Until you return again.

IF I SAW YOU AGAIN

 

Candice James
Copyright 2009

If I saw you tomorrow how would I feel? An ocean under love’s bridge now separates us, We who thought nothing could separate us.

I wonder if I would sense a rush of emotion Ushering in that old feeling.
Would the sleeping embers burst into flame again? If our eyes met would they lock?
Would they be able lock out the painful memories You left me to untangle alone?

Would I long to hold you close
And run my fingers through your hair? Would my lips ache to be brushed And brutalized by yours yet again? Would desire rise up on angel wings Or be quelled by the hazy mist
Of remembered heartaches?

If I saw you again how would I feel?

 

CLEARLY

 

Candice James
Copyright 2010

Man of a thousand eyes
And a million smiles,
I have searched the universe for you. I’ve looked for you over a multitude of miles, On endless highways and hidden byways, Where dreams and magic and ghosts Whirl and swirl in a sea of hope,
From ship to shore, chasing your essence.

When our eyes burned through each other We both realized we were never strangers. Our paths had crossed over and over again, When the oceans were streams
And the mountains were valleys,
When dreams were dust and glory
Emerging into this destiny
We were destined for.

Man of a thousand eyes
And a million smiles
I’ve searched for you everywhere.

When my eyes found you, I saw myself,
Clearly.

00002.jpgCANDICE JAMES
AUTHOR PROFILE

Candice James was born in New Westminster at Saint Mary’s Hospital in 1948 and has spent most of her life in the City of New Westminster. She graduated in 1965 from Lester Pearson Senior Secondary School, now known as NWSS.

Candice began the rudimentary stages of her writing, at the age of thirteen, composing essays. Over the years Candice continued writing and eventually moved into the arena of Poetry, which continues to be her preferred genre of writing.

She is the Author of the surrealistic, poetry book, “A SPLIT IN THE WATER” consisting of 116 poems which was published by Fiddlehead Poetry Books/University Of New Brunswick Literary Press in 1979 and is currently in many Canadian libraries. This 100 page poetry book is also for sale by bookstores and on the Internet.

The Spring 1980 Literary Press Group Catalogue (Association Of Canadian Publishers) described on page 170 “A Split In The Water” by Candice James as follows: “A first book by a self taught poet characterized by brilliant imagery drawn from all facets of modern life."

Candice spent many years employed in the financial services industry, the real estate industry, and the music industry both in the business end and on the performing side. She has continued writing over the past 30 years, mostly poetry, but also 3 screenplays and a children’s book. She was a featured guest on CFRO radio in Vancouver,BC on December 29, 2009 and is currently participating in poetry readings in the Greater Vancouver area of BC. Candice also has three poetry e-books on the internet.

Contact information is as follows;

Candice James
Box 5 – 720 Sixth Street,
New Westminster, BC V3L 3C5
CANADA
Tel: 778-322-1131
Email: saddlestone@shaw.ca

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