Seven Stud by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview
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Chapter 2
I went home over the backwoods deer trails, the sun still behind me casting small shadows. I didn’t do much the next few hours. I leisurely ran errands and did chores. I spent time dealing out seven stud games to no one, just to get more and more current with the flow of possibilities, not to mention practicing shuffling the cards. It had been a while since I played a lot and one of the funniest things you can do at a card game is to have the cards come flying out of your hands when shuffling. Not wanting to look more like Woody Allen than I already did, I worked on a snappy fast shuffle. I was laughing to myself, picturing me messing up at the game. It probably wouldn’t be the first time, though I didn’t have any specific memory of any fuck up. There was a strong likelihood that something like that had happened, merely because if you try a lot of things some will be failures.
My reverie was interrupted by the ring of the phone.
“Hello,” I said.
“Hi, this is Diane.”
“I think this is the first time you called me.”
“It might be. I’ve been thinking about some things and I’ve come to some conclusions.”
“Uh oh, sounds scary.”
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“Shouldn’t be. The biggest reason for my being in Seattle is to make a lot of money, so that I can come back to Clinton and live in our house, easily affording it, like we used to.”
“How are you doing?”
“Pretty good, actually. But, it’s going to take a lot more time, unless you can come up with something big.”
“I’m working on it. I’m thinking about pulling off a gambling scam.”
“Don’t you dare. You’ll probably lose money we can’t afford.”
I realized that I have to keep my adventures to myself around Nervous Nellie. I said; “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“I’m serious.”
“I’m not. I was just sitting here playing cards by myself and I must have drifted off into a fantasy.”
“Keep it a fantasy.”
I raised my voice in exasperation and said; “All right!”
“I just called to tell you that I want you to know that while I’m gone it’s all right with me if you have a girlfriend.”
I was shocked. Not to sound too easily agreeable, I said;
“What if I don’t want one?”
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“Fine, whatever. But I think eventually you will and I’m just saying that if and when you do, it’s okay with me. Just don’t be stupid enough to tell me about it.”
There was silence for a few seconds, as I really didn’t know what to say. Finally, I came out with; “Are you intending to get a boyfriend?”
“I’m not intending to, but I might. I’m really just thinking about my job and the possible money.”
“I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but, this actually sounds very pragmatic and simple common sense.”
“I’m glad. Another thing, try not to call me unless it’s an emergency. I’m devoting all my waking hours to my job and frankly, your calls put me into another mindset, not conducive to work.”
“Now, I’m glad.” When I got full realization of what I’d just said I added; “But we’re still together, right?”
“Till death do us part, you giant squid.” She hung up.
I was completely surprised and didn’t know what to think.
I decided to sleep on it.
The next morning I realized that I should be checking on his progress anyway and I wanted to talk to Butch, so I drove the short distance to his house.
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When I got to his house, he was sitting on a chair in the backyard smoking a cigarette.
I said; “Butch, I’ve just had the weirdest conversation with my wife.”
“Tell me about it. You should hear some of the gems I’ve been having with Alice.”
“What?”
“I can’t even explain them without an hour’s worth of context.”
“Diane just told me to get a girlfriend.”
“You’re breaking up?”
“No, we’re together until death do us part.”
“That really could be weirder than Alice. I’m telling you that women are just plain unexplainably crazy.”
I said; “On their side of it, they have a good reason to be different. Imagine living most of your life with half the world trying to put its dick somewhere in you.”
Butch was silent a few seconds, then started to laugh, saying; “I guess all we can do is love ’em.”
“Does Alice have any unattached female friends?”
Butch said; “You’re serious?”
I shrugged a bit and said; “Yeah.”
“What kind of girl wants to meet a married, low income, brain defective?”
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“My brain’s not a major problem anymore. I don't know every detail, but I know enough to take care of business. There must be somebody desperate.”
He laughed and said; “Acheron.”
“Acheron?”
“Yeah, weird name, right. She’s even weirder than her name.”
“In what way?”
“In every way. I could never try to explain her. You just have to see for yourself.”
“I want to. I dig weird.” I caught myself and quickly added; “She’s not 300 pounds or missing any limbs, is she?”
Butch shrugged and said; “Well, you know she’s not weird for no good reason. Picky?”
“Not very. But, I don’t want to meet an eyesore.”
“I was only joking with you. The only weird thing about Acheron is her brain.”
Relieved, I said; “We ought to get along fine then.” I looked hard at Butch in an effort to detect if he might still be joking.
He said; “Okay. I’ll fix up dinner or something for the four of us.”
I smiled and nodded, yes. “Butch, you’re looking and sounding pretty good. How’s your detox going?”
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“Oh man, you don’t want to hear.”
“Yes, I do.”
“I’m down to about half of what I used to put away, but there’s some puking and a lot of diarrhea.” He raised his eyebrows and said; “Speaking of which, I’d better get moving quick.” He walked quickly toward the house.
“Butch, I’ve got to ask you one last thing.”
He stopped, turned around and looked at me, with a “Hurry up” look on his face.
I said; “I just wanted to know your feelings about the current world political and economic situation.”
He turned away from me and resumed his brisk pace and said;
“Follow me, I’ll show you.”
Rather than seeking tangible evidence of Butch’s slant on the world situation, which would only confirm my own, I walked to the family room, sat on the couch and waited. I stared out the window at the trees and saw a number of birds flying near the tops. Two of them seemed particularly agitated. One was chasing the other around and there was a constant beating of wings and flying of short distances. Then I heard a loud wooosh sound and then “Goddammit.” Butch entered the family room and flopped into the other end of the couch.
“Everything come out all right?” I offered.
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“More than everything. This shit literally has been going on since yesterday. It feels like I’m wiping my ass with sandpaper.” Butch laughed and looked down at the floor. He added; “If it wasn’t for women and money, I wouldn’t have to go through this.”
“Is it worth the effort?”
“Damn straight.”
“Let’s play some cards and bullshit for a while.”
Butch put his hand over his mouth and said “Oh, shit.” He got up, went to the bathroom and I heard “Urrgh” and water splashing. I started laughing. He came out and with a sarcastic grimace on his face said; “I’ll be okay for a couple of hours. There’s nothing left to come out.” He got the cards and dealt out a seven card rummy game. We played silently for ten minutes, until he said; “Got it.” He put the seven cards face up on the table, evincing the Queen through six of hearts.
I threw my cards on the table, showing three sevens, two Queens, one of diamonds and a ten and nine also of diamonds. I said;
“No wonder I had so much trouble getting another seven or Queen.”
“That’s what you get for saving pairs.”
I shrugged and said; “You must have some ideas about cards.
Did you ever notice that while playing five or seven stud the people with the lousy hands keep looking at their down cards?”
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“No.”
“Yeah, they do. It’s like when they know they have something they take one look at the down cards and concentrate on the betting. When they don’t have anything good, they keep looking at the down cards, as if to say; ‘What the hell kind of crap is this? Possible straight? Possible flush?’”
“So what?”
I exclaimed; “So what?” and looked at him incredulously.
“So, they go out of their way to be secretive, doing the same thing all the time and then they can’t help themselves but advertise whether or not they have a good hand.”
“I really never picked up on that one. You told me you have memory loss. How can you be so sure of anything?”
“It’s hard to explain. Someone can have memory loss and still remember how to drive a car. Maybe it’s some kind of selective memory, recalling the things you want to and forgetting those you don’t. Or, maybe I create false memories or maybe I remember things when something forces me to think about them. There are things about human nature that repeat and repeat in different forms. To keep looking at lousy cards hoping they’re not that bad is like a person unhappy with their appearance constantly looking in a mirror, thinking that if they get the right angle, they’re not that bad. If you don’t believe me, look for it yourself in the local game.”
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“Okay, say for the sake of argument that you’re right.
Then what?”
“The simple way I see this game is that if you play it long enough, everyone will get an equal number of winning hands. So, the object is to get more money bet when you do and less when you don’t. If we know that they don’t have anything we up the bet. They can either drop out and give us the pot or play right into our hands. And when everyone tells you that they don’t have anything, it’s a good time to bluff, if you don’t have anything either.”
“What if you really do have something?”
“Bet low to keep them in the game.”
“After you get away with it a few times, don’t they pick up on it?”
“Possibly, but that’s when playing silent partners gives us an advantage. This only applies to the last card in a seven stud game. You look at me. If I bet the max and rub my left eye with my left index finger, call me.”
He gave me a questioning look.
I continued; “When they don’t have anything and see two people risking the max, they figure that at least one of them has something good and drop out.”
“But, if I call you, we both show our cards and then they’ll know neither of us had anything.”
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“No. If you’re the only one to call me, when it comes time for me to show my hand, I’ll just pick them all up and put them all face down and say something like; ‘You got it. I’m beat on board.’ Then you don’t have to show your down cards and just reel in the pot.”
“What if somebody wants to see my hand?”
“Your answer is; ‘You pay to see.’ Then you grab the deck and put your cards in the middle of it.”
“Sounds like it’s worth a try, especially with your money.
But I don’t want to do it at the local game.”
“Neither do I. This is for when we play with the sharks for big money.”
“You know, this might not work. It sounds good enough to give it a shot, but Ed, dammit; you know we could be having delusions. You’ve had some problems and might be brain damaged and I’ve had problems with long term drunkenness.”
“That’s where we have another advantage. The rest of the world is brain damaged and drunk, too. Only they don’t know it.
We have the advantage because we do.”
“Are you sure about all this stuff?”
“Hell no.” I paused, smiled and added; “But, it’s my money and I can do whatever I want with it.”
He laughed, giving me a sly look. He raised one eyebrow and said; “Where do you get this shit from?”
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I calmly answered; “Eastern religion and philosophy.”
He retorted, “I guess, that because they’re so smart, is why they’re so rich and powerful.”
I laughed out loud and didn’t have any answer for that one.
Later that afternoon, I felt anxious and drove back to his house. I didn’t know what to do on a date and was having second thoughts, though I didn’t want to say that to Butch. He answered the door and we sat on the family room couch. I said;
“Did you arrange a date with Acheron for me yet?”
“I mentioned it to Alice and she’s talked to Acheron.”
“And?”
“And, nothing.”
Somewhat relieved, I said; “She doesn’t want to?”
“It’s not exactly that. It sounds like she’s saying yes, no and maybe, all at the same time.”
I got confused. Now that she may not want the date, I did.
Or not. I didn’t know what the hell I thought and said nonsense; “I think I knew somebody like that once, except she spaced out the yes, no and maybe to five minute intervals.”
“I told you, you have never met anyone like Acheron.”
“What does she look like?”
“She’s tall; I’d say about 5’8”. She’s thin and nervously talky. She has black hair, usually not combed and sometimes she
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cuts it short. I haven’t seen her for a while, so it could be shoulder length by now. She’s got a nice face and doesn’t wear makeup. She’s probably around 40 now. She’s sweet, just extremely offbeat.”
There was a momentary lull. I didn’t know what to ask, so Butch added; “You can’t do her any justice talking about her.
You just have to meet her. Look, Ed, I’m feeling like nature is about to be calling me again, at one end or the other. I’ve got some thinking to do and I’d rather be alone when I feel this shitty.”
I got up from my seat as Butch put his hand over his mouth.
I said; “Don’t worry, man, you’ll handle it. It’ll be over in a few days and the world will be your oyster after it is.”
He headed to the bathroom. I called out; “Should I come back tomorrow?”
“Day after.” He closed the bathroom door and I heard Niagara Falls again. I went to my car and drove back home.
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