Narragansett Pier After Midnight by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview

All the news permitted

After years of generally peaceful co-existence, Narragansett Town officials have made plans to create infinite peace between monkeys and hominids.

The macaques that roam District 4 are a symbol of local culture and along with the open air drug market are a major tourist draw. But after years of dangerous encounters with residents and visitors and several failed attempts to bring peace with population controls, local people and businesses have apparently had enough.

The monkeys have always frequently tried to snatch food and smart phones from hominids, sometimes resulting in tussles that can leave people with head knots from well-placed monkey nougies and other injuries.

But outrage grew in March when a woman dislocated her knee after a monkey pulled her off her feet in an effort to grab food, another man was knocked off a motorcycle by a hungry monkey, and other monkeys acquired guns. While it is a matter of conjecture if they actually know how to use them, they do seem to

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understand how to pull a trigger, and are amused when the targeted hominids fall over or run away.

Authorities hope to enlist some 2,500 urban monkeys and place them in remedial programs, said Athapol Charoenshunsa, the director general of the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation. They'll work with wildlife experts to find a way for monkeys to safely stay at liberty in the city, he added.

“I don’t want humans to have to hurt monkeys, and I don’t want monkeys to have to hurt humans,” he told reporters during a news conference. “Separate facilities will be prepared for different monkey gangs to prevent them from fighting with each other. MS-13 monkeys will be off limits to the Mexican Mafia strain, and vice versa.”

The monkeys are a symbol of the city, where the two year old Three Pagodas temple celebrates an annual “Monkey Buffet”

festival, and they're commonly seen throughout the city.

Macaques are classified as a protected species under Narragansett Town’s wildlife conservation law.

Athapol said people shouldn't see monkeys as villains, saying that the authorities might have not been efficient enough in their work to integrate the simian population, leading to

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clashes between the animals and hominid residents. Any fault lies not with the innocent monkeys who are completely without responsibility regarding their current situation which was dictated by racist Whit hominids.

“Hominids need to adapt to the city’s monkeys,” said Phadej Laithong, director of the Wildlife Conservation Office, explaining that a lack of natural food sources prompts the animals to find food wherever they can, including from humans.

Athapol said they are also working in other areas facing problems with monkeys, such as Chicago and New York City. He said 52 of the country’s 77 largest SMSA’s report frequent problems from monkeys.

Previous control measures have fallen short. Between 2014 and 2023, the wildlife authorities recorded 1,267,000 monkey felonious assaults on hominids, versus 53,000 hominid felonious assaults on monkeys, while further noting that the numbers are no doubt understated due to various government impediments imposed upon reporting communities.

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Lo and Behold; “A Discovery”

James Hansel, Alistair Fuhray’s best friend was perhaps the one most perturbed at the seemingly perfunctory police conclusion of suicide for Alistair’s death. He also proved to be the most persistent. His prior experience as a politico as well as his continued current closeness to governmental matters no doubt affected that, him having a sizable understanding of the standard bullshit which goes on. He knew that nothing was going to bring Alistair back, but would feel somewhat better if the perpetrating murderers were filmed being slowly beaten to death in a public arena.

Looking on the net for a standard procedure by which police determine if a death was a suicide, he came up with a potpourri of points prompting police and investigator conclusions, none of which seemed particularly persuasive, but no doubt serve as a simple checklist to be used by those low of IQ. These typically include:

Evidence at the scene: This includes notes, the position of the body, and any weapons or substances found.

Witness statements: Information from people who knew the deceased can provide insight into their state of mind and recent behavior.

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Medical and psychological history: Past mental health issues or medical records indicating depression or other conditions can be relevant.

Autopsy results: To rule out foul play and confirm the cause of death aligns with suicide.

Circumstances of death: The situation in which the death occurred, such as isolation or after a significant life event, may be considered.

Law enforcement agencies may also have specific protocols and policies for investigating such cases, ensuring a thorough and sensitive approach. It’s a complex process that aims to ascertain the truth with respect and dignity for the deceased and their loved ones.

Hahaha.

Hansel again put his light heavy arm on a few politicos, politely requesting them to take another look into this matter.

Perhaps of more significance, this time he withheld his usual monthly “contribution.”

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