Blase Eight by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview
Download the book in PDF, ePub, Kindle for a complete version.
Chapter 4- Reviews and Reviewers
“If you can’t do it, review it.” That should adequately set the tone of this chapter. I know. I know. Many will say that I’m angry or hurt. I assure the reader that I am neither and will prove that. After I spend some time in the closed garage with the car engine running, I will never again poke fun at any reviewer. But, in the meantime ...............
Since this is a topic every writer will be hearing about to the closest approximation of boring infinity this world has yet noticed, allow me to define a few terms. Sometimes it is of benefit to be speaking of the same subject; or the most reasonable facsimile available.
Merriam-Webster cleverly defines a “reviewer” as “one who reviews.”
Merriam-Webster indicates several possible definitions for
“review,” the first two with military applications. A few of the possibly applicable others include; 1) to examine or study again, 2) to give a critical evaluation of, (as of a book or play), and 3) renewed study of material previously studied.
In addition to the tiny witticisms which may be drawn from the definitions in the context of an indie reviewer, one might
Page 635
well note that there is no mention of credentials or required competence. This was probably obvious to anyone who has read more than three GFR reviews, but I personally take justification in the ease of access to this endeavor, as my personal experience was that, according to many reviewers, since I am a writer, that I have no right to review or question one of the self-appointed elite evaluators. It is their union’s policy that they are the final word; excepting; “What a wonderful review”
and similar nauseating comments from the rest of their coyote pack.
Unfortunately Merriam-Webster has not yet found it sufficiently compelling to offer a definition of an “indie reviewer.” Since this is the bird to which indie writers will likely be irrationally drawn, the writer finds it necessary for the purposes of this book to offer a “working” definition, at least until over-ruled by a recognized authority; that apparently defined in practice as someone adequately savvy to establish a website on the world wide web. An “indie reviewer”
is; “An unpaid or minimally paid person who uses the domain of books to demonstrate their personal brilliance and importance; which, very unfairly, had not been previously recognized. The results of the ‘brilliance-establishing-goal’ vary widely and the success rate is directly proportional to the number of indie writers who attain a position within the top 10 New York Times
Page 636
best seller list. The ‘feeling-of-importance’ goal has fared well primarily thanks to the novice indie writers begging
‘requests’ to review their book, apparently thinking that a positive review from ‘Lovely Rita, Meter Maid’ will impact their book sales in a positive fashion.” There are a number of sub-categories, which will be further discussed as briefly as possible later in this book, including; 1) Bully indie reviewers.
2) Troll indie reviewers.
3) Carpet bombing indie reviewers.
4) Coyote pack indie reviewers.
5) Purchasable indie reviewers.
6) The most dangerous; Librarian indie reviewers, who have access to the entire GFR database and parts of AOS.
7) Last but not least, those who love books and like talking about them.
Perhaps this is the place for an anecdote or three. I swear to God, this is a conversation I read between two reader-reviewers on GFR;
One said that she was interested in writing a book, but was totally devoid of any idea as to how “real” people talk. She asked her friend for some insight.
Page 637
Her friend responded that she didn’t know either, and suggested that the questioner take a bus ride and eavesdrop on conversations.
It makes no difference to me, but an indie author seeking to make a living from writing would do best to realize that this distanced portion of humanity is a good example of the market they seek to enter.
GFR has a highly rated reviewer, supposedly a female of 24
years, who has a need to articulate her dislike of men every second paragraph; and who writes “reviews” which she must personally define as “Gertrude’s long-ass musings on some ‘meta’
something or other which has nothing to do with the book in question.” This is indeed a very bright thing to do, as it does not require the painstaking time it would have taken to read and possibly understand the book, and perhaps be diverted from thinking about one’s self for a few moments. Gertie has followers who tell her how wonderful she is and how beautifully
‘meta’ a certain phrase she used was or is. Gertie rapturously bathes in the accolades offered and responds; “Oh, thank you so much. It took me three hours to come up with that.” Unintended humor is often the best.
Page 638
This is another example of the market an indie writer seeks to enter. Gertie and her followers are not alone. They are a prototype; a common GFR genre.
Another GFR reviewer pattern is demonstrated in a conglomeration of the “reviews” offered by five or more of the GFR indie reviewers at the top of the GFR-calculated heap. They regularly usurp what they are able to glean of the author’s writing style and use that ten-minute-perception to write a
“funny review” utilizing what they know of the author’s style. A prospective reader of the book is not informed and seeks information elsewhere. Ostensibly the reviewer considers this approach witty, insightful, and/or amusing. This is likely a demonstration of an irrelevant reviewer’s need to show that they are so smart, that they could have written the book much better; as they proceed to chronicle the fact that they could not have come within a light year of it. Yet, if an indie writer chooses to be irrationally hopeful of the financial remuneration to be provided in the indie reviewers’ estimation of their book’s market value, one is condemned to be consistent and persistent in the belief that good reviews from GFR”s most prominent reviewers make a difference. Don’t waste time reading the artful presentation and just take a moment to click the “like” button which is used to further push up the indie reviewer’s GFR
Page 639
calculated importance. If you have the stomach for it, take five minutes to tell the stars how great they are and somewhere in there beg them to review your book.
This is another example of the market an indie writer seeks to enter; that of more imitative, “free book” connoisseurs.
Retailers, yes. Your friends. People who want to sell your product. They survive the initial rational test of; “They will do better if I do better. It’s mutual.” Sorry to bust any bubbles still out there, but it is not the least bit mutual. If you believe that you also have to believe that there are no other considerations or parties relevant to the transaction. In reality your supposed retailing pal is not in the least monogamous. It has billions of relationships and seeks more, almost all of them more important to them than you and your low selling indie book.
What is a book retailer? It is an entity which exists only to maximize its profit and/or its market share. It currently utilizes books in an attempt to accomplish one or both goals; and tomorrow might utilize diapers, if that is deemed by their financial analysts to have more profit potential. Their considerations are simple. They do not discriminate and are never repulsed by an opportunity which might enhance their bottom line. To follow the particular scenario hypothesized in
Page 640
this paragraph; the latter item is merely another form of investment; this time inescapably viewable as something to shit in or on. The concept is financially speaking far from innovative. It’s a very old, traditional story. It has survived merely because it works. A book retailer will publicly make pre-printed attestations to their care and interest in the advancement of literature. They pay a Vice president in charge of public relations to come up with the smiley platitude reading, while they privately calculate what return on investment they might achieve from any endeavor, including used diaper disposal.
Another definition should be re-mentioned here. “Sock puppets” are simply false identities, perhaps alter egos, which are established by indie reviewers, librarians, indie writers, monopolistic corporations, weirdos and most internet users alike. Regarding corporate use, which is really a tangential subject of this book, suffice to say that when you are at the supermarket in search of coffee, and you see thirty different brand names, your purchasing decision might be simplified with the knowledge that all of the coffee was grown and harvested by a shrinking number of currently five growers; all of them were packaged in the same factory; and that the factory and the various brand names are all owned by the same corporation.
Page 641
So, to stay almost “on topic” herein the term “sock puppets” is limited to its GFR-AOS usage, though it is really no different from that which appears in every aspect of life. On GFR-AOS they are used to say things the “real” person does not want to risk being associated with, such as; providing phony high ratings and reviews for your “friend’s” books; provide phony high ratings and reviews for your own books; provide phony low ratings for books written by someone you don’t like; provide phony low ratings for books written by someone your indie reviewer union does not like; upset pompous assholes; or a fun place to just let it all hang out.
In an effort to not give a totally incorrect impression, I, and I’m sure all of we e-book writers want to sincerely thank the readers who have taken the trouble to multi star and say something nice about what we have offered. Before having had the experience, I thought I would be totally immune to the opinions of those who had never written anything; mere derivative indie reviewers. But after receiving initial reviews ranging from poor to middling, I found my thick skin was easily penetrable. While I previously found the time to daily write a page or two even if the roof had collapsed, I began to find the necessity of feeding the dog an adequate “reason” to not do the thing I most enjoy; no sexual innuendo intended, but I’m not sure of that. I was
Page 642
then blessed with a number of four and five star reviews and here I am back at the keyboard. God bless you kind angels. Lie to me if you must. I know I sincerely speak for all of us mavens of old fashioned text.
Having said that, I daub the moisture from my eyes and face the dry facts. We are told that good “reviews,” or perhaps more precisely the number of stars afforded our works of virtuosity, with or without condescension to reviewer verbiage are important to our “success,” whether measured in dollars or the interrelated glowing eyes of our spouses. Coming from a large family or having kept in contact with old friends seems integral to our “literary” reward. However, I am inclined to dash the hopes of desperate writers, by telling them what every reader already knows. Good reviews do not sell books. They only assist in their creation. How often have we heard; “Critical success, box office failure?” View the list of the greatest books, some selling well for the millennium. They are overwhelmingly rated under four stars; sometimes as low as three. Yet the zero cash selling, latest and eight millionth zombie story and the similarly monetarized, sixteen billionth “romance” novel replete with dark billionaire suitor and horny, avaricious, thoughtful young girl, have both received unanimous five star ratings. I’m tempted to let the obvious speak for itself, but in certain quarters I have been advised that it is the writer’s job to tell
Page 643
the story; or as some insist, to “show” it. Bear with me. Here goes the pedanticism again. To say it simply, it has been calculated that reviews, whether measured in number or assessment have no relationship with book sales. Don’t argue with me; Forbes, Fortune and Barron’s said so.
Getting back to the distracting particulars of the review issue; after some sort of scandal involving flagrantly bogus reviews it was decided by AOS; that on their site as opposed to their subsidiary GFR site; reviews or ratings could only be given by what was intended to sound like “bona fide purchasers”
of that particular book. Silly me. It actually means a “bona fide purchaser” of any product through AOS. It is also readily apparent that the downloading of an e-book on “free” day meets that criterion. At the risk of not having been clear, this means that if you have purchased one pair of slippers through AOS or have taken advantage of any AOS free book offering, you are allowed to write an infinite number of book reviews, or an infinite number of reviews of any product listed on AOS for that matter. This “improvement” was the result of laborious discussions between AOS and literary devotees; and serves as an example of the value of conversing with AOS.
So, fellow indie author, if you still have some kind of motivation which craves the benefit of positive reviews; and if
Page 644
the trusted portion of your freeloading circle of family and friends is insufficient to supply “nine five star reviews,” one approach you might consider is to purchase the “honest” ratings and reviews (Wink. Wink. Five star.) available within five days, from five to five hundred bucks up front and, in the case of some larger enterprises, a bargain additional five bucks per for multi orders from an “honest” reviewing venture. Ostensibly, any such transactions are legally viewed as “arms-length.” In a typical transaction, the first fifty goes to a “literary”
corporation with the succubus website, whose only function after taking the order, is to visit the bank and to make the book available to its independent consultants-contractors, who each require another ten to copy some approximation of the back cover, indicate five stars where required (Hint; Sometimes they forget to do this and follow-up can be cumbersome, though simplified through additional purchases.) and post it on some part of the internet no one ever visits.
On an unlikely topic; one which will only possibly be encountered when dealing with a virgin indie reviewer; what recourse do you have if they give it one star and write; “I was shocked to have seen someone put their own name on a book devoid of any sentence construction knowledge, plot, adherence to literary protocols, or good taste,” the possible requirement of a question mark not indicated by the techies at “Buk Revews by
Page 645
Danny Dee.” Will they remove that comment if you give them another ten? Not at “Buk Revews by Danny Dee.” I never found out how the “negotiating” aspects played out. I suspect that it might involve more substantial, further business for Danny, who also offers an editing service for $1,500. I know that it would have been personally prideful to daily observe that my book was liked by that community college student, majoring in auto body shop; and to know that I helped with their tuition. But, alas; something holds me back. That something might well be; “I wrote the fuckin’ book and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some used scumbag make me pay them for the right to fuck it up.”
“Review swaps” are openly available from other GFR writers.
I’ll do yours if you do mine is basically how it’s supposed to go. You will learn that many of the swappers have a habit of reneging or writing the helpful and artistically succinct brilliance of; “A good read,” or the McCarthy terse equivalent.
I have no need to delineate the S.I. level of this mutual admiration society; as you already know or are not ever going to. Most offer PDF (Imagine what that acronym could possibly stand for.) copies of their book to you free of charge. Others want you to buy it for $4.99, putting a question and a financial calculation into the “reciprocity.” What if yours is only $1.99?
What if yours is an identical $4.99, but you’re on 35% royalty?
Page 646
Etc., etc., etc., and etc. In 2016, most reviews of indie books arise from this source.
What if their book really stinks? What if yours does too?
If this one does, you’re out $.99, but at least you can keep your integrity. Integrity; an archaic notion? A revised definition? A word used as regularly as guttersnipe? I can’t recall the conversation which led up to my use of the word thirty years ago, but I do recall my astute Guyanese associate responding; “Integrity? Integrity? You take a look around this room and tell me how much integrity you see.” We worked for a bank. I was uncharacteristically quiet for a few minutes.
I have to admit, that when I access the review section, my heart soars when I see a new five starred compliment. I cherish that moment. It makes me feel worthy. It makes me feel as if I’m a competent artist. I throw away all pretenses to logic, as it makes me feel as if my efforts had touched someone’s heart. I’m Orpheus. As I sing, I rise above the morning clouds, like an Icarus blessed with the most modern of Oriental bit-byte technology. Most importantly Eurydice beams and smiles.
The indie writer reality; 33 ratings; a 4.5 average; 32
purchased, swapped or familial; and there is that unknown other one. At that moment I understand everything that they’ve been
Page 647
writing and talking about. I am so elated and concurrently relaxed that my bowels moved for the first time in a week; and I continued on my path at an accelerated rate.
GFR review swapping is even more insidious than the previously mentioned indicated. It’s a trap. As will be discussed later, the most successful indie writers unanimously suggest one and only one course to financial success. Write more books and make them good. Yet, when novices first approach the GFR website, they are persuaded that the reviews are the most important “marketing” factor. To put that in some degree of perspective, that is almost exclusively said by reviewers.
“Everyone does it.”
Yeah, and everyone’s indie book income averages out to 500
bucks per annum. But, you’ll be tempted as there is some safety in numbers, not realizing that you are observing the incorrect one. If you’re wrong you will be wrong in the safety of substantial company. For some reason, that is preferable to being wrong alone. Maybe the answer lies somewhere within the un-stated, minority position which suggests that sociability is such over-rated bullshit. It would seem that wrong equals wrong equals wrong; but that’s doesn’t appear to be how things are popularly seen. On a less theoretical level, the worst bottom line risk is that through participation in GFR review swaps,
Page 648
blog posts, and registering “likes” to all the crap your
“friends” post, your writing of books will cease as you get bogged down in the worthless, shit indie books in search of an ever expanding circle of “friends.”
If that becomes your course, at some point you may glean what every reader has already gleaned. For traditionally published books the number of reviews ranges between 5% and 15%
of total ratings; averaging 10%. Most people don’t want to take the time to write out some long winded horseshit, but will take a moment to push the star button, establishing a rating. But, for indie books the ratio approximates a minimum of 80%, and is often in excess of that; clearly indicative of; “There is something unusual here.”
GFR approved author, reviewer, librarian, and general jack-of-all-trades, Jimbo Morcrap and his partner’s rendition of “The Twenty-third Vicious Call Girl; Cum Covered Cuckholds Number Two” has 45 ratings and 41 “honest” reviews with a 4.67 average, exceeding the average of all books on any top 100 of all-time listing. Sure, sure. The readers believe it. They believe that the “honest” reviews were provided by friends, family, purchased whores, swappers and other cuckholds.
Page 649
Inept digressions aside, in re-iteration of all a writer needs to know about reviews is that “Forbes,” “Fortune,” and
“Barron’s” Magazines have printed articles which unequivocally state that there is absolutely no evidence substantiating any semblance of a directly proportional relationship between reviews and book sales; whether measured by number of reviews, average rating of reviews, average rating of reviewer or length of review. If any association is suggested, anecdotal testimony and logical inference seem to slightly lean in the direction of inversity, no sexual innuendo intended, subject to further empirical study. I have previously told you that I used to work in a bank.
There is one clear relationship. Sales of the author’s current book are directly proportional to the sales of the author’s prior one. In your case that number is more zero than Bret Easton Ellis has yet to imagine.
I would like to point out that these studies have been conducted by financial people with sharp pens, and even sharper bank accounts. They invest in anything which can make them a buck; to the extent that they have even have run regressions, current, lagging and future; of the average rainfall in Spithole, Kansas versus the Dow, NASDAQ, and OTC aggregate averages. Their conclusions have been that book sales are an irrational event, on which it is prudent to not bet the farm. As
Page 650
a safer investment they have chosen to strip and straddle the Dow whenever it rains in Spithole.
Having said that, based on our view of our behaviorally managed experience we have become trained to feel as if a book in naked and disdained, without a high nearby review. “Ooooh, no one loves me.”
A completely un-documentable sixth sense suggests to me that while this sounds reasonable when speaking of indie reviewers, I would think that a review from a professional at The New York Times, New Yorker, Salon, Atlantic Monthly, et al would have a positive effect on sales. But, every legitimate site I could find which was not selling author services said that this is not the case. In fact, one specifically addressed my thoughts and said that big name reviewers have no effect on sales now, due to the proliferation of reviews and reviewers, and the average population’s inability to assess quality issues; perhaps further manifestation of the truth of a Franzen proclaimed marginalization.
For you new indies, let me restate a few known facts about reviews you may not have heard or yet believe. It is generally said that “reviews are the life blood of a book.” When one applies a bit of context and research it is determined that that precise phrase was coined by a reviewer whose name has gone
Page 651
somewhere with the wind. It’s a cheap shot, but to cast even further aspersions on the veracity of that piece of one line brilliance, it should be noted that it was a GFR “quote of the day” for the month of February, 2016.
It is not only said, but it is invariably true that on GFR, great classics like “Moby Dick” have received hundreds of thousands of ratings and tens of thousands of reviews, resulting in an average rating of 3.7 or so. It is also true that newer books like “Sidney’s Holiday with the Regurgitating Zombies”
have something like 18 ratings, 18 reviews, with an overall average of 4.6. Hmmmmmm ........... Changing tastes? A rebellious youthful disdain for things their elders have found worthy? A skewing made possible by a statistically insignificant data base? An exquisitely sophisticated vantage point, even more precious and rare than devotees of “The Clasp?” A computer
“glitch?” The snappy decayed facial puke cover on “Sidney’s Holiday with the Regurgitating Zombies,” replete with a smoky scenario of a reflecting pond reflecting the chunky dinner being hurled from a zombie’s upper aperture? So ironically Kafka-esque to true mavens of the narrative arts. Sidney has been blessed with a large literate family who are still on speaking terms?
None of the above. Look, it’s simple. Every seasoned reader knows that for at least the last ten years, internet based book reviews are purchasable for somewhere between $5 and $550. The
Page 652
plain truth behind the writer’s numbers deficiency is that Nathan Indie doesn’t have a credit card and he no longer has access to his checking account. He’s spending his nights on his younger brother’s linoleum kitchen floor in Newark. It is also accurate to say that neither he nor his great white one has demonstrated the least inclination to give a shit for quite some time. On the other hand, our boy Sid has chipped plastic up his cracked end, and if his credit line is increased he’ll be able to ...... you know. There is much to be said for the beauty of passion.
If one is inclined to follow the free advice given by those internet “helpful” websites which can’t sell their own books I would suggest getting 110 reviews at five bucks apiece rather than one for the whole shooting match. Why? Safety in numbers?
No one reads them in either case? The point of the game is to buy low and sell high? I’m told that whenever the severely time constrained person purchases a washing machine, at the last moment they invariably check the number of reviews and the average rating, with no time for superfluous details. I’m guessing at this one as personally, I wouldn’t spend the money at all. ................ Okay, okay. There was that one time with the nice lady whose puppy needed an operation and all of that.
Page 653
In 2010, before the flood, it was estimated by a New York Times contributor that one third of the reviews placed on the internet are “fake,” the term, perhaps as a matter of convenience, not clearly defined, and may be somewhat different than “purchased.” Trust me just a little bit when I say that the New York Times has more readers than GFR; and they occasionally even pay money to obtain a book. The possible nuance would be very lengthy to explain in all its forms, and is also irrelevant to an indie writer. Suffice to say that the cat’s been out of the bag for six years running. AOS-GFR thinks it can last forever and surreptitiously encourages it; while readers of the Times and their friends no longer pay any attention to the stars or the garbage written under them.
There are indie reviewers out there who will review books at “no charge,” if they are provided with a re-salable hard copy. Some of them openly lust after ARC’s, (Advance review copies) not covered herein other than to say that an ARC is re-salable, and if the book is a hit, could become quite valuable.
I have no doubt that that percentage of fake reviews has since gone in only one direction since 2010. Perhaps “skyward”
is the appropriate word. “Off the charts” is another possibility. It makes age old sense; predators capitalizing on weaker prey.
Page 654
AOS-GFR responded to indie writer complaints of “trolling”
reviews by establishing directives after having deleted many reviews and warning a few reviewers. As a consequence the better reviewers avoid any possible trouble by avoiding indie books.
This results in a disservice to everyone in that the vast preponderance of legitimate reviews are written about classics written by now dead writers; and as I previously inferred; Melville and his publicly domained associates do not seem the least inclined to complain or pay someone for a review. It would seem logical that his “Moby” and “Dick” reviews stem from non-monetary considerations.
If still interested, you might be interested in knowing that one source of the five star, five buck reviews is a website called Fivers. There are a number of book reviewers there who will provide you with one or more; the latter accomplished through those infernal ‘sock puppets’, “honest” reviews. The price is right, but this entails a bit of work, however, as you will have to write the “honest” reviews yourself and the nice people at Fivers will post that under one or more of their identities. Hint. If you are purchasing five reviews it is safer to write five different reviews, as some exceedingly cynical,
Page 655
suspicious person might find it strange to read the identical review from five different sources.
AOS is appalled with this system, and in that regard they very publicly sued Fivers, but it turned out to be of no avail as legally, Fivers is not responsible for nefarious activities carried out by people who post on their site. But, AOS continued their public display of a commitment to “honest reviewing” by recently suing the individual reviewers on Fivers. The website is not legally obliged to provide AOS with the real names or e-mail addresses of their clients, so, ostensibly the case will pick up some speed after the process server locates and serves Easter Ears, Book Harlot, Hideous Lock in Love, Charred Horror, Lady Cat Furballs, Irrepressible Snotcheese and The Fag Hag Time Traveler; the latter seeming particularly troublesome to serve.
Apparently, the well paid AOS legal team was unable to anticipate the problems to be presented by culturally accomplished operators sporting witty noms de plume.
While it shouldn’t matter in the financial least to an indie writer, it is quite clear that indie reviewers and indie writers have unfortunately become enemies; likely engineered by the well-paid calculators of the best interest of AOS-GFR. As a result of the 2013 AOS takeover of GFR various battles opened.
One was “settled” through a solely AOS beneficial dictate that a
Page 656
reviewer was no longer allowed to “troll” an author, under the threat of banishment, with the rule that a reviewer can say whatever they’d like about a book, but cannot make any disparaging remarks about the author. Considering that the line between trolling an author and trolling their book is inevitably a David Foster Wallace type border, most porous; reviewers began avoiding indie books. If you have not been there, you would be most precocious to see that this was a perfectly logical reaction, as 90% of indie books fully merit commentaries which an overworked GFR reviewer-librarian might construe as warranted, but which are viewed as trolling by the soon-to-register-an-official-complaint indie incompetent. And come on fellow writers, let’s admit it. Many of us are whining, complaining and flouncing crybabies. Having said that I could be rightfully malicious in characterizing the worst of the indie reviewers as pretentious indie writer derivatives, afraid or incapable of writing their own books; content to criticize others, thinking that it will fool someone other than themselves into thinking that they have some degree of talent. Rather than get into that whole tired debate, suffice to say that AOS and GFR are the only beneficiaries of the issue. They are as adept as a Buddhist Master who has not yet met a Sufi at resolving a complaint with a dictate which appears to be caring and re-
Page 657
active to a stated problem, which just happens to be of personal benefit.
With the vague, tending toward “say-only-nice-thing” rules, one cannot help but be reminded of the saying; “To gain absolute control make everything illegal, then selectively enforce the law.”
In a wish to place the benefits elsewhere, I’d prefer to see a few indie reviewers break from their unionized structure and in some small way, publicly admit that some of their rank and file are stupidly way off the mark; but to date none will break away. “Free speech,” they say. “Tell the baby that it is ugly and brainless,” they clearly imply. All right. Suit yourself. And after having taken that “bold” public posture, in practice, go ahead and write the millionth review of the latest Rick Riordan offering. Troll the fuck out of it. For an instant you might think that you are better than Rick Riordan. If you do not suffer from a chromosomal over-abundance a second later you know that you are not. On a practical level, you have achieved safety. Rick will never read your review and neither will your cohorts who have become addicted to clicking the easily available “Like” button. Dig this fact, big shot. Rick does not give the slightest, nut eating of shits about you and neither do the clickers. What it is is what it is. The only ones who might give the slightest of dumps are the misinformed, hopeful indie
Page 658
writers. Recent, AOS induced, flare-ups may have made both sides think that they are the inhabitants of differing lifeboats as the Titanic finally goes under, creating one final suck.
The majority of the indie writers would love to hear from you; regardless of monetary value. The flouncing artists should understand that it is in their interest to shut the fuck up, write books and not go crying to Mama-AOS-GFR. I’ve got some news. They are not an indie writer’s mama, nor anyone else’s.
They are a piece of cyber shit which knows how to use your worst instincts against you. That’s all and that is a lot.
Getting back to indie reviewers; your following readers just might appreciate hearing of a book they hadn’t already heard of a thousand times. I guess that many of the indie writers wish that if you think that their book is abysmal that you’d just say nothing. It’s kind of hard to be laughed at in front of the whole class; at least until that class expands; both in number and opinions. But, the simple answer to those
“sensitive” writers is that if they were afraid of criticism, they should not have put their garbage out there and in no case should go whining to AOS-GFR about; “The mean trolling reviewer unfairly made me cry.” The flip side of that same coin is that indie reviewers should not consider themselves the “final word”
and go crying to AOS-GFR when some writer says their review was bullying, trolling or asinine. No, writers should never argue
Page 659
the perceived merits of their own books, but should be allowed to comment on the reviews of others. Whether or not one agrees with this, it seems that to do otherwise results in a situation which is detrimental to both indie writers and indie reviewers, and which is cynically capitalized upon by the owners of AOS-GFR.
So, what operating suggestions do I have? I don’t know anything beyond saying that for starters, we writers and reviewers ought to recognize that we are in the same little boat. We’re either going to change direction and float or we’re going to drown together. FACT. Our efforts have little or no relevance to AOS, GFR, Bozos or the ridiculously banal and rich, current front man, Oat Willy. But, who fucking cares where they’re at? If we don’t provide the “masters” with any revenue for a day they’ll pull a scary bluff. They’ll do that again on day two, making everyone afraid that they made the wrong choice.
There will be intelligent, compelling defections; increasing in number through day 7. Though there is no court-compelling evidence as it lacks any precedent, I believe that if enough of us hold out, they will be monetarily forced to capitulate on the eighth day. Instead of us fighting with each other, they will fight with their own kind. Each banker and investor will seek to be the one who gets their money back before it becomes
Page 660
impossible when they all simultaneously pursue their best interest.
I have attempted to broach this subject with the best, most reasonable sounding indie reviewers. I have no intention of doing this again, as;
1) It’s another old story they see as “new,” ostensibly dazzled by the re-colored costume jewelry and clasps.
2) I really don’t care and consider it a personal waste of time, as my wife and I do not need the income from AOS-GFR.
3) The indie reviewer’s response was either; A) None.
B) “Fuck you. You’re telling me to shut the fuck up;” or C) A lengthy listing of “trolling” events directed at them, which sound fairly inconsequential; exemplified by the ferocity of the month long daily receipt of a message which said;
“Stupid.”
4) The unionized groups of indie reviewers detest indie writers and have shown no inclination to break ranks in any way for any reason, and consider only each other. Pardon me if I’d rather not have to see or hear the circle jerks and circle finger jobs.
5) The whining group of indie writers has shown no inclination to stop crying “Mama,” whenever their latest attempt at a public display of retardation is criticized by an indie reviewer.
Page 661
6) This game has been going on sufficient time for AOS-GFR to have firmly established their well-entrenched position.
Despite Goliath having been rendered inoperable through a few slingshots, we remain on our levels. There is no immediate mass ascension. This was what was expected in the un-likelihood of “victory.” So, there continues to be a confusion of another variety. I don’t understand it, though when I rotate the spectral needle 180 degrees I think that I might; immediately tempered by the realization that any such thoughts may be the result of a bragging ego. If the indie reviewers are overly kind to the indie authors, just as with review swaps and purchased reviews, this will result in ridiculously high rating averages for indie books. This will be easily detected by buyers and they will come not to trust the system and this will be an incalculable negative factor regarding the purchase of indie books. Not the purchaser’s fault. Understandable. Yet, if indie reviewers are truthful about indie books, 90% of the indie writers will complain in one format or another; the social, safe buyers will avoid the lowly rated, and Bozos or Oat Willy will imminently re-surface with a plan purporting to cure all officially defined and recognized ills, in the hope that none detect the replay of the failure played in the slickest of designer clothing; additional cooling for the dead.
Page 662
Did you really think that the rulers have become that by merely being thrust there through an accident of birth? If yes, your first name has to begin with one which is limited to the use of only twenty-six letters.
Potentially, conveniently and idiotically seen as off topic by the complacent authorities; this half gesture toward an undetected obsequiousness disarms all those dependent upon their own desired miscalculations of their own blip significance. Shit works, bro. If it didn’t work every fuckin’ time it might be interesting. Bones, man. Later, back to the upper balcony.
Back up a bit. Okay. As a possible first step into this indie-indie love boat, allow me to volunteer something you will not believe. I don’t give the slightest bit of a wet fart what you say, write, or ignore of my book; and that is not intended as a dismissive insult. I can address this on a number of levels. Relate to the one in which you’re most comfortable; or don’t relate at all. Doesn’t really matter in the Euclidian or the “Exclusive” calculus.
One star my books in unison. I’d welcome it. To be on Amazon’s list of lowest rated books insures notice. Thanks for the advertising, pals.
Angry? I think not. Hurt? Maybe as much as one can be hurt by something of no consequence. Amused? Definitely yes, as I tend to have a predilection for absurdism. On a serious note it
Page 663
seems eminently fair for a writer to occasionally review a reviewer. Despite what the indie reviewers might say publicly, no one has granted them the controlling, last word on the airwaves; other than AOS-GFR temporarily has, in return for their sucker free labor.
For the indie writer who just doesn’t want to believe that there are small and ultimately irrelevant forces at play which serve to their detriment; for the indie writer who wants to believe that the book business is different from any other profit-seeking business; for the indie writer who thinks that this diatribe was written by someone indie reviewers panned; and for the indie writer who says, “why can’t we just be friends?” I have two succinct responses.
The first is that I was not panned more than 10% of the time and even if I was, I would still be calling the situation as I see it. As previously stated, this popped up in the context of my writing another book which I consider much more interesting. Secondly, if you think I’m just an idiot; fine; you’re far from the first. If you want to spend time trying to
“market your book” on GFR or AOS, I could care less.
Just do yourself a favor, and try to dig yourself. Be my guest. Disregard everything I’ve written herein. The curse of ignorant hope springs almost as eternally as the traps set by
Page 664
those who seek to capitalize on the suckers. Beg the GFR indie reviewer to look at your book. Be thrilled when they agree to; simultaneously insisting upon one in re-salable costly paper or willing to take a PDF version with the electronic hint concerning their backlog in return for their “honest” review. Be further thrilled when you see the four or five starred paragraph which curiously could have been written by one who regurgitated the back cover. No, you don’t want to think about that. You want to believe that your book was well received and that that is a prognostication of things to come; Hollywood, Oprah, the dinky little shit on some other show which pays a few grand; a seven thousand dollar advance for the next one. Your choice or your fantasy on that one.
Days go by with no sales. Doldrums. Questions. What you think likely flip-flops between; “Poor little me” and “What happened? The day I become a best seller is the day I’ll have to admit that I am as banal as the rest” and with elaborations even you think are pathetic and don’t want to hear. Then the sea parts when you see a message from a “friend” of the initial reviewer. She would absolutely “love” to honestly review your book if you would be kind enough to provide her with her insisted upon, re-salable paper copy.
Page 665
Your heart soars like those unforgettable moments when you met your first love as you lay out the retail purchase price and shipping charges. You attempt to cast aside the periodic thoughts of what has to have been generated by the devil himself; as if the leader of the pack has found you sufficiently significant to warrant a personal visit. Nonetheless, you succeed in attributing to a scientific, “temporal” denial of randomness, your wish that this is the real thing; while the nagging visitor keeps displaying an image which on one level makes un-deniable the fact that you have given up your “status”
as a writer, and have become an inept marketing assistant to the assistant, and a free public library without the benefit of public funding.
It had to have been the devil who made you do it; but without any notion of free choice evident you get back to the numbers and conclude that even if the original “top rated”
reviewer had the unlikely influence required to induce five of her four thousand GFR followers, one thousand still living, and 78 of those still capable of communication followers to buy your book, it is worth ten bucks to you, after having wasted six hours and close to forty bucks on her and her partner sock puppet. You have heard the sweetly rendered melodies which you have found to be as seductive as a sad, ugly old Siren on a
Page 666
distant ledge. Go for it, aspiring one. I’ve got an acquired taste for humor.
Jingo, go bop.
Page 667
#21- A Continuation After the Half-Time Break
Chapter 5- Covers and Other Author Aiding Services
I found it interesting when I researched the “helpful”
websites. There’s a clear pattern to them. The savvy, bestselling, writer who has sold 300,000 books in the last six months has kindly taken the time to advise us about how we might do the same. It would be extremely rude to question his stated number, even in light of the knowledge that it took twenty years for David Foster Wallace and his heirs, to sell 150,000 copies of “Infinite Jest,” rated as the thirty-eighth best book of all time. This helpful guy seems so sincere and so nice. Maybe with his “reasonably priced” advice, it is possible .......... At this point, no matter the degree of your “world wise” cynicism, you are already on a middle ground and willfully wanting to slide. Probably won’t be noticed. Besides, though it is just too cruel and gauche as in “much-too-obviously-envious” to dare articulate negative thoughts. Your unspoken musings pound away; as did mine; as did they pounded for everyone. My sparkling book just needs a little push.
Page 668
“Best seller,” is not a well-defined term and has many meanings. Much more importantly, a movie possibility! Hollywood, with no nickel and dime budget. Then it’s on to a CPA taking care of the numbers, a bungalow near Clint with an ocean view.
Through your agents, plural intended, offers from Oprah; $30,000
for five minutes, expenses paid at the highest multi A rated stuff.
Back to reviews and the website. Just be extremely careful to not click on the “One click buys it” icon; the next screen asking for your credit card information at the very least until you get an idea of what ‘it” is; or until you can use that plastic card which is in someone else’s phony name which you recently purchased for ten bucks, which came along with the advice to use it quickly, utilizing someone else’s IS number.
Okay, yeah, yeah, big success, so impressive. I’m an uninformed, shocked, awed, and oh so jealous. ..................
Ignore Voltaire, Machiavelli, the Brontes, Dostoyevsky, Sartre, de Beauvoir, Camus, Wallace and let’s stop near there with a respectful nod to the forgotten Woolf. Let’s temporarily pretend to forget that in 2016, the standardly approved marketing advice is to appear to give something away free and thereby lure the desperate into a paying sphere, only to be recognized as such by the “experts” after their long studied achievement of more 20-20
hindsight. The optimists say; “Better late than never” and sit
Page 669
on the pile waiting for Godot, shortly willing to settle for Lefty.
At the end of your kindly benefactor’s place in the blog established by the purveyors of book sales dwarfing all but a smattering of giants, be extremely careful not to click on the sensitive icon which accesses the reviewing service available from Mr. or Ms. Helpful, bestselling writer. Also, do your best to refrain from accidentally clicking on the four similarly sensitive icons interspersed at either page side, each of which access the “opportunity” to purchase Mr. or Ms. Helpful’s-BestSelling-Writer’s e-book or soft cover version of their international best seller, presumably the one previously referenced as; “How to Lawfully Sell Texts of Dubious Value.”
With the most delicate of imperceptible touches you accidentally learn that your request for their flat fee services include, but are not limited to editing, review, formatting, cover design, and publicity; as opposed to percentage based marketing services. Your intended proposal just might be acceptable to the busy hundred thousand sales a month writers, though they point out that their commitments to their, industry respected, $50 reviews have backlogged them through Thursday next. But, please just include a credit card number.
Further description and commentary elude.
Page 670
It’s sufficiently late in the season’s most natural of years to find it expedient in shutting my windows; the big one in the kitchen first; energy charges the prime safely stated consideration; fresh air no longer a factor which qualifies. My senses jolt; just an inch or two, I think; currently devoid of a ruler; the precise degrees calculated, irrelevant in most ways.
I try to think of her possible reactions only to see that no matter my statements, she considers me as limited. The misunderstandings and willful political calculations, initiated by those of Constantinian appointment ignored Lilith. Worse, in a confusion to me, I am expected to be so. My attempt at some sort of logic, strongly states, with a 90% degree of accuracy that whatever visions I now have will be rendered inconsequential tomorrow. These passing allusions are likely induced by a “corrected” male mindset which has been overtly and also inadvertently, psychologically been pre-disposed toward the dictums of another religion. Despite the “secret,” purposely inadequately disguised as a series of cloaked repetitions of the ancient merits of the how-many-yaks-in-the-driveway, based eastern varieties, their current advantage is undeniably displayed in the racks lining every Wal-Muerte check-out line, now canon in yet another woefully more imperfect “religion,” the headline on its current monthly glossy; “Sympathy for the Deviant.”
Page 671
When I look out the 66 year old window I see a huge yellow-green beast with massive legs; no doubt the result of a long journey. After one of those eternal seconds I finally realize that it, with its oft larger shadow, has produced an overwhelming spectacle, without any effort. The praying mantis has almost conclusively convinced me of the appearance that he has attached himself to the window screen in my TV room. Upon further inspection, he now appears to be extraordinarily honey blond with the sun behind him and as huge as the desperate indie writer debacle. He sits there looking down to the ground, presumably in search of the low flying, perhaps mistakenly hopping, and unaware little critters. Incomplete. Yes, incomplete. What could anyone reasonably expect? Take a gander at “How to be Alone.”
While I have found no ”Stairway to Heaven,” while admitting that I have not spent the time to even google it, I think I have a fair idea of where the mines have been buried here on earth.
Whoops. Ah, one leg is still good. No problem. There is no doubt that there has always been “help” best avoided and that the existence of the internet has enabled the “perpetrators of expensive uselessness” to extend their talons; replete with testimonials from names with smiley pictures of someone
Page 672
attached. One of them wrote; “I am a new author and I had no sales the first two months my books were on AmawayOnSteroids.Com. Then a friend told me about GlitteringShrouds.com. For a reasonable fee they designed a knockout cover for my book and sales skyrocketed to where I can support a family of seven with my monthly royalty check.” The website contains at least five more such success stories and a link upon which you can click if you are compelled to read more.
Seduction. Hope. More likely, a well calculated appeal to desperation and laziness. I found the approach reminiscent of the passing of the Sunday basket; its long wicker stick wielded by the man with the openly judgmental eyes. The assistance of the lacquered old lady wearing the Kresge necklace to my left induced compliance, rather than my natural instinct toward a devilish defiance. I always coughed up. Hell; heaven was only an appropriate tithe away. Then, just as now.
I was enthused. No longer did I have to spend long hours attempting to make my books somewhat coherent, funny here and there and with some semblance of a stupid story; I found significance buried right on the surface, like a cockroach with a bar code. I now knew that with a spiffy $500 cover, the
“entertainment” value of the words was an extraneous consideration. I could now write any kind of thing. A big selling book a week was possible. All I had to do was get the
Page 673
magical cover. Then I could support my wife, have seven babies and support them too. I desperately wanted to believe. An innocent faith is necessary in all meaningful endeavors.
Besides, if things didn’t work out, I’d have to get a real job.
I’m a lousy artist. Some unkind people say that I’m a lousy writer too, but up until now I didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out. For an insignificant outlay and no work a super slick cover threatens to propel me into a world of professional criticism (I’m so sensitive.), pop psychological “insights” into my mental deficiencies (I desperately wanted to hide. I easily embarrass.), “witty” one line put downs from more erudite denizens of the e-book realm, (“i culdnt get into it at all.”) and most perplexing; the unknown; the horrors and insults I had not yet imagined. All for a mere wad of a currency soon scheduled to collapse. Did I really want this? With heroic effort I uncoupled (Sexual innuendo uncertain.) my overriding power of feeling and pondered all of the confusing, complicated, crisscrossed, considerations, trying to mathematically measure the probabilities of happiness. For about a second. Surprise, surprise. You bet your hairy thingy that I wanted to suffer the slings of green arrows. (Sexual innuendo intended for some, casting no aspersions on the rights seeking, wrongly maligned.) It should be noted that this statement was in no manner, shape or form the product of the obligation to exhibit political
Page 674
correctness and patronize certain orificially and rumpially oriented minority groups (No innuendo clarification required or risked in the socially advanced year of 2016.) To remain ethereal; “Oh, but the possibility of living my deepest fears; my sensitive psyche exposed, criticized, embarrassed, and ridiculed with erudition. The horror was only exceeded by the alternative prospect of spending eight hours per day making change at the over-priced, lack of convenience store.” That’s a bit of a lie. It’s much more personally significant to know that this career is the one with the highest mortality rate and does not need the numbers taken from “natural causes,” old age or cancer to have accomplished this top ranking.
I brought up GlitteringShrouds website and was greeted with a hurriedly moving “merry-go-round of ‘best sellers.’” It sounded as if someone had resurrected Lionel Hampton’s dexterous bouncing of the cushioned balls (NSII) on the Ed Sullivan Show.
I unsuccessfully tried to make out (No preliminary innuendo intended.) the titles, and had to settle for glimpses of the sophisticated visuals speeding by. They fully stressed the importance and value of their service, (surprise, fucking surprise) which I know takes less than one hour of work. Their services may seem plausible to people who have lived in the world of appearance. I plead guilty. All non-blind humans do.
But, I would like to know how a “spiffy” cover buried in the
Page 675
AmawayOnSteroids.Com database does me any good when not seen. I also wonder how Salinger, Wallace, Beckett and Mann sell so many books utilizing rather plain covers. Could it be possible that they MERELY write well? Not a chance. I don’t think the sellers of literary services would be convinced, had they the talent of recognition.
$300 and up per overwhelming, touch-me-salivating cover.
They inform me, as if it were brilliance emanating from Harvard or a right wing, government supported, “well-credentialed” think tank, that book buyers look at only three things; the front cover, the back cover and the table of contents. They point out that with proper marketing some retarded books have become best sellers and that without the benefits of professional help many great ones have died of green oxygen deficiency. I am initially chagrined that there is said to be no interest in my unique and illuminating content, but upon two seconds of further reflection, I take my customarily pragmatic view of what is, decide that it is stupid to try to fight it, and take solace in the implied commercial wisdom that the content does not matter in the least. Witness empty Campbell Soup cans.
On the most positive of sides; as much as money dictates the game; I can write any pitiful nonsense that comes to mind, as long as it is covered by a pretty front and rear. Seems to make logical sense in most avenues of pursuit.
Page 676
Beautiful. Okay. I can deal with that. I’ve had a bit of practice. But, the “table of contents” factor throws me off. I had come to believe that the one page delineation of the number of chapters, with or without cryptic titles, was archaic.
Authors I admire generally do not use them. ........... Hmmmm.
The authors I admire are also not the best of sellers. Today, I want the long green more than I want the left handed praises of the intelligencia. But what can I do with a stupid table of contents? Put pretty pictures on it? I’ll have to ask the maven attached to the website.
In a businesslike manner, I scrutinize GlitteringShrouds.
However this time I must have entered the portal through another direction; maybe the sucker’s entrance; maybe step two of the money extracting procedure. Cookies have made their presence felt. This time I am informed that front and back covers, sandwiching a table of contents is not the complete guaranty of fame and fortune. Formatting, editing (both small and large), ghostwriting, beta reading, advertising, buzz, radio and TV
appearances (sic), book signings, press releases, reviews, and the dreaded content all play a role. I’m truly confused and have to step back some. .....................
Okay, I’ve thought it through. GlitteringShrouds has made it possible for me to make a fortune from a book which I do not have to bother writing, editing, covering, et al. If I just pay
Page 677
them somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, they will produce a book with my name on it, and do all the things necessary to make me hundreds of thousands and famous. I have some consternation about the “famous” part, but ultimately conclude that GlitteringShrouds and I can work that little detail out in some amicable fashion. ................. My excitement knows no bounds. I visualize Carmel on the Pacific. The weather is wonderful year round; the sun never sets. It has to be the fabled return to Eden. My wife is finally happy as she appears nonchalant when she says a cheery; “Good morning” to Clint and Jennifer every day. Thank you so much, GlitteringShrouds.
Then this creepy little black thing crawls on its belly to me. It cannot speak, so it must be its telepathic advancement which allows me to hear its mathematically based observation.
“It’ll take a lot more than one ‘hit’ book to get to Carmel, Clint, Jennifer and a happy wife. I don’t want to bust your bubble, but it will take at least ten.”
I am crestfallen and again confused by the voice of reason, this time articulated by the slimy thing on the ground, unable to stand, only slither. I confidently say; “What do you know.
You’re just a little cockroach.” He then adds; “Not to worry, Ace. I can fix things up. Small price. You won’t even notice the increase in the monthly payment.”
Page 678
It doesn’t take more than two seconds to get back to Carmel. I can easily out-think the thing someone relegated to ground level and come up with the obvious idea to have GlitteringShrouds do many books for me.
I am then constricted by the telepathic message from below;
“If GlitteringShrouds could actually do this, they would do it for themselves, idiot! In return for that wisdom, get out your credit card .................”
Of more importance to the indie writer is that many GlitteringShrouds exist and more are on the way. As it has been determined that one can make more money by providing services to desperate indie writers than can be made from selling their books, a few things have happened, in this growth industry, one of the few in the present US.
Computer proficient opportunists have sought to be a not yet discredited provider of all services.
The “reputable” publishing houses have acquired the best, and largest of them, in one case one with the reputation of being either totally incompetent or a crook; but a profitable incompetent or crook. This was no doubt done in an effort to enhance their bottom line, while putting out fewer books every year, in the face of the AOS-GFR, temporarily discounting monopoly.
Page 679
While a number of these author helping sites have been the subjects of legal allegations ranging from making a mess of the book to selling it in foreign countries; in fairness, I’d like to stress that most of these companies will actually do what they promise. You will note that if you carefully read, somewhere on their website they will specifically state that they make no promises regarding sales, and some even state in very teeny letters that almost all of their clients never make enough money from their book to cover the services provided.
But, I’d bet that your book will look pretty good sitting on your shelf. It just won’t be on any other shelves.
As another aside, I’d like to relate the experience of one GFR author I knew a short time.
Somehow he found a site which called itself something like;
“The Worst Book Covers Ever,” and discovered that his first book was on it. He’s subsequently done more, but at the time of discovery this was his only book.
What they must not have known was that the pen-named writer was an artist, who has had his paintings exhibited at the Saatchi in his London residence. I guess he felt like playing that day. He went through a series of people, each of whom said how terrible the cover was, offering their artistic opinions, a few in a very insulting manner. He finally got to a polite woman
Page 680
who said that she thought the artwork was good, but there are other services she could perform to help him sell more of his book.
If your inklings still suggest to you that the cover is essential, consider the advice given by my artist wife. “To attract attention, just put a photo of a naked woman smoking a cigar on it and it will get more attention than Agatha Christie.” I would only update this the least bit to say that a naked guy smoking a cigar in 2016 will get the attention of a smaller, but significant, loyal and vocal market. There is no law requiring the book’s content to have anything to do with the cover.
Page 681