Blase Eight by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview
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Chapter 13- Laughable Attempts at Heroics
Since around 1980, we have all noticed, plenary indulgence graciously extended, a sharp and commercial move. Please, don’t pierce. We’re so afraid, shocked and in awe. What is generally un-recognized is that that depiction of matters is the broadest limitation of the investors; some susceptible to the illusion or pragmatism of a livable reality otherwise not conceived. Dogma, wishes and daydreams rightfully aside, no fuckin’ way can it be virgin; thank God, the Devil, or Sartre; depending upon personal beliefs. Without the incorrect interpretations of his-her-its, error-induced-human delineation of masochistically Christian sacrificial requirements; we are always abandoned by those we love. We kind of expected it, but didn’t want to think, and therefore possibly show, something which could be seen as a disparagement of those brief interludes; perhaps in fear that such thought might render the process even more brief. We are on the fucking cross; the cross; the temporary cross. The physical hurt is non-existent in the face of our cry to not abandon one who once expressed a desire to be a friend. The watchers cry and pray. He loves them for that, but the stakes through his hands and feet hurt so much, they kind of take precedence. An end would be merciful. He looks down at the few present, inclusive
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of those inclined to a safe, un-feeling, existence. He knows he is no better; a vainglorious occasional assumption that he is one of them. Just a dream.
It will soon end; at least in this place he has named hell, in his loneliness. So many times he prayed for it to stop; just make it stop. Seems so reasonable a request. Just let it all go blank. Please. Please. Please. In his unrealized privilege this is commonly seen as another pharmaceutically induced escape, now fully financed by Obama-lack-of-care. Panacea? Nirvana?
......... Here. Now. Post some shit or other. Let the credentialed wade through that for a misnomered lifetime.
Without a regard to the pens and brushes of the bullshit artists, the spear supplies the most compassionate act he has ever known.
Evoking the visuals hip decades prior coupled with the schizoid nature of twenty first century, “gonzo” marketing abominations, Howard Sternly refused to be taken in by the GFR
induced hype of peddling one’s book(s) there. Flagrantly chastised by his fidgety producers, he simply was tired of hearing the nervous agent’s admonitions of missing out on another marketing tool. He established a GFR author page. While he remained open to accepting “fans,” he would not accept any
“friend” requests. Big shot, right. Big enough, I surmise. Even
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Steven King has GFR “friends” he never speaks to. With Howard, I suspected that there must be some sort of half-hearted, aloof, professional and sophisticated marketing logic at work.
But, come on Howie. Give me a break. I really want to be your friend. Really. I’ll even give a five star review to one of your co-written books. I won’t be a pest. I know it takes most of your time to captain your serious satellite communications.
Promise, if you let me be your friend, I’ll only contact you once and ask you to arrange for me to make friends with one of the well-experienced, female porn stars you purport to be tight with. Or loose, whatever. Numerous times you did say that you had a little one. I especially like the one who had facial plastic surgery and now has lips to her nose and chin. If that’s not possible, I’m not all that picky; no nose innuendo suggested. You know any black ones with gigantic hips?
I’m getting carried away. Back to business. No shit, if you can arrange something like that for me I promise to delete the
“friend” garbage. No offense intended, but those girls were the only “shocking” part of the daily hour in reg room.
Fucking phone is ringing again. Dammit. Probably that useless real estate bimbo with a whole lot of bullshit and no buyers. It’s getting so hard to remain nice.
I found out that GFR has been putting author profiles on the system with no permission or interest from the author. Many
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of them are not only disinterested; they’re fucking dead! I guess GFR is getting tired of my “limited” market types and wants to impress some people with big names. But, hey, hope you’re all right, man. Really. At your age you never know. That stuff I said about your show; just kidding. I just wanted to convince you that I wasn’t going to be pestering your ass. Cool?
But, honestly, how about fixing me up with one of those big lipped chicks; especially the one whose talented lips coincide with her chin and nose. I don’t give a shit if she’s sixty; you know what I’m sayin’. You can tell her that I’m some big deal writer or something like that. How the fuck will she know any different? Okay, okay; I’ll wash the damn Toyota. If you’re dead sorry and never mind.
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Chapter 14- A Radically Condensed Set of Factoids
1) Writing is and always has been one of the worst ways in which to attempt to make a living.
2) That difficulty is not a function of 21st century computerized technology. Any considerations to that effect are merely excuses to falsely, stupidly, or commercially herald something “new-in-plasticized-and-chipped” format.
3) Great writers, such as Jane Austen and Edgar Alan Poe did not sell many books in their lifetime.
4) 8,000 sales are considered a successful book by the traditional publishing industry.
5) In 2015 the average annual income of an indie author was $500. This was dwarfed by the traditionally published author’s reports of $3,000. It is noted that both numbers are the result of unconfirmed, anecdotal accounts and are subject to downward revision. It is also a mathematically solid testimony to an agent’s value.
6) The average indie book sells 100 copies. Half of that is attributed to the kindness of family and friends.
7) Indie sales of 250 copies is considered an unusually successful book; especially when one ignores the difficult to
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document “you-buy-mine and I’ll-buy-yours” relationships between indie writers.
8) Despite what seems to be a low threshold of success; eight thousand sales; with all the expertise, advertising and other sources of promotion utilized, 90% of traditionally published books lose money.
9) You have as much chance of your book breaking through as you do of either hitting a million-dollar-a-month-for-life lottery or being twice hit by lightning.
10) Fuck your irrational wishes and dreams. To attempt to market your book on Goofreads is a total waste of time.
Excepting three, no big name author bothers to maintain a presence there as they know it’s useless for selling books. The suspicion is that the three who seem to be present are merely the substantially incommunicado sock puppets of their nervous agents, editors, publicists and publishers. You distrust that statement. You do have grounds. You wonder why a hotshot, successful outfit like AOS would buy something so worthless.
It’s because AOS will buy anything which is for sale if the seller is willing to accept shares of AOS overpriced-more-than-a-thousand-times-earnings-stock in payment.
For those of you who are financial novices look at it this way. Make believe that you are AOS. You’d like to own a car, but all you have is a wallet which only contains three US one dollar
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bills. Your annual income is a penny in a good year and you lose a penny in a bad one. You meet a guy who also is income challenged, and he is desperately trying to raise money through the sale of his car. The car needs much work which will cost more than its Blue Book value. The two of you get to talking.
Though the owner of the car doesn’t volunteer the information, you know that, barring some miracle, this heap is on its last legs. So, you pull out the wallet which contains US$3 and say;
“I’d really like to have the car, but this is all I got.” The man selling the car looks at your wallet and says; “Three thousand will do quite nicely,” apparently mistaking single dollar bills for ones denominated in thousands. The possible thought processes which you and the seller may have are numerous, confusing, and largely irrelevant herein. The bottom line is that the deal is done, each one thinking that they have pulled a fast one on the other. The next step is that each of you takes their newly acquired “asset” to a Wall Street bank, which is “open for business,” and tries to convince them that the property is worth $3,000, and that they’d like to sell it to them for only $2,900. The Wall Street bank knows that the property has marginal value, but they also know that they can sell it to their clients for a higher amount. The clients in turn, know ............... This could go on, but I think you
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might get the point. Steely Dan sang about a scam, and before that the Beatles sang about knowing better and crying.
11) 80% of books read are read by 18% of the population.
This is especially perplexing. We know that fictional books which sell best contain some aura of a Godard un-reality; at least having characters and actions which are not as absurd as those depicted in various teenybopper genres. Yet, this popular
“reality” is judged by those who have spent more time in the library or otherwise with their nose in a book than they have spent outside it in the fresh air. No value judgements. As far as I’m concerned they are welcome to do or not do whatever they’d like. But, remember that if you are a writer who wants huge sales this is the bulk of whom you will have to appeal to.
12) Women read 90% of the fiction consumed and 75% of the totality.
13) Some of these women, usually those characterized by themselves or others as “high-brow,” the term complimentary or derisive, depending, favor male authors as this category of reader uses their interpretation of the “poetic” meaning of the words to gauge where the best of the male monkeys are at; “best”
perhaps substitutable with “weiner.” That view seems self-congratulatory and yet sadly appropriate. This is a market which does not entertain much of indie books; understandably. They seem to be substantially reliant on the prognostications of
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recognized, well-credentialed sources. They are aesthetically interesting, yet financially some sort of burden, though not in the traditional sense of the word-feeling.
14) To choose to be an indie author is an admission of either financial ignorance, artistic pretension, a belief that one has something new to say or are otherwise talented, a substantial trust fund, or the possession of a subtle masochism not yet realized or wished hidden coupled with a desire to not be edited, to not be chased around in some “expert’s” conception of commercialism, and to be perfectly willing to be viewed as a complete retard; modern euphemisms substituted if required.
15) Despite allusions to the contrary, Donald Trump did not pull himself up by his bootstraps.
16) Those vaunted reviews, so accessible from numerous sources, as well as the ones called that generated by those still learning the art, are not worth a nickel. It has been unequivocally been determined by parties as disinterested as your dis-interest in that party attended by the coke enhanced zombies who didn’t know the meaning of snort, that there is absolutely no relationship between reviews and book sales; whether that relationship is calculated based on number or quality assigned.
NONE. PERIOD. GET OVER IT. DO YOU REALLY STILL THINK THAT
SOMETHING CHEAPLY OBTAINED IS WORTH SOMETHING? JEEZ! If you do you might try doing a teenybopper romance or carpet cleaning.
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These words will be taken as offensive to certain parties, no matter. It’s nice and greatly appreciated to be liked by those who take the trouble to write reviews. But, we should always recognize that they do not matter in terms of greenbacks.
17) Much assistance is for sale on the web. For fees ranging from $5 to $15,000, for the super-duper package, you can obtain multi-application formatting, beta reviews, five star reviews, a drop-dead artistic cover design, editing services, vaguely described marketing help inclusive of the perp’s supposed attendance at various book fairs, volumes of e-mail notices sent to already inundated parties and guest appearances on radio shows; Nielson ratings not mentioned or below the radar. Most of these services are offered by writers, who claim to have used these methodologies to have sold hundreds of thousand or even millions of their own book and now want to help you. These operations do not deserve any response other than
“Golly, gosh and darn.” Without an extensive search, I have thus far found eight which claim to be the original publishers-marketers of “Fifty Shades of Gray.” As you exit, just be careful not to click on the four interspersed icons which will lead you to the purchase of their hit book, nor the urls advertising “affordable editing and design services.”
18) Unlike the possibility of being totally ripped off by some of the fly-by-nighters discussed previously, you can now
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get these same services through a “reputable” publisher or retailer. Can oxymoronic expressive combinations be tertiarily employed? Whatever. Ostensibly, since the corporate entities have had difficulties in producing a profit; 90% of their books confirmed as losers; through their own well-credentialed operations, they are now willing to sell you their expertise.
Sorry. That sentence does not make a lot of sense no matter how many times I try to re-phrase it. On the positive side, suffice to say, that at least up until now, they will attempt to provide a reasonable facsimile of what they have advertised. On the negative side, it seems incredible how they can make your book a hit when they can’t consistently do that with their own. One cannot help but think the audacious thought of the possibility that they have determined that they can make more money taking fees from desperate indie writers than they can by selling books. Perish the thought and in no circumstances say it in polite company.
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Chapter 15- A Pastiche of Factoids and Fantods Some Still Find Debatable
1) Goofreads is a very efficient, easy to use site with tons of information which is operated for the sole benefit of the owners. If this is not palatable; substitute that it is operated for the benefit of the crybaby reviewers-librarians.
2) This is not to say that it should be operated for the benefit of authors. But, it is to say that it would seem just a bit reasonable if it did what it said it was doing. That it exists for the benefit of readers is clearly not true. That it can assist in book sales is laughable and their claims have yet to be tested in court. That in return for their sucker free labor, librarian-reviewers can initiate, alter, delete, and pirate anything on the site seems obvious.
3) 90% of GFR users are desperate indie writers, or their sock puppets, trying to sell their books. When they become addicted, they guaranty that they will continue to be desperate indie writers or their sock puppets.
4) GFR reviewers operate as a union. To offend one is to invite never-ending, attempted retribution from an army of red ants.
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5) Do not expect any help from GFR or AOS “management.” The Bozos’ directed minions recognize that statistically, the 40
hours of free slave labor they weekly extract from their librarian-reviewers exceeds what they make from selling your book on an annual basis.
6) If you’d like to play on the Little League ballfield presented, it is necessary to become a GFR librarian in order to get any consideration or be outdone by ten year olds. I find this personally abhorrent and a financially calculated application for a two buck an hour job on lucky days. But, do whatever you want. A GFR librarian has access to and the ability to change or delete anything in the database. The power is overwhelming ................... TO THEM; and to you if you previously had any naive expectations from the rather simple database application designed for THEM.
7) Near the time of the AOS acquisition of GFR a bit of a war broke out. If for a moment you choose to ignore my fantastic grasp of the obvious which indicates that AOS-GFR won it, the only other half reasonable possibility is that the reviewer-librarians won it, while they cry over losing it. It’s something like DFW’s “Infinite Jest” allegory concerning the nuclear waste dumps. In the interest of “freedom of speech” the reviewer-librarians can continue to say anything they choose; while some say that they can’t and direct people to their independently
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published collections of reviews for the whole story. Utilizing previously quoted estimates, about 200 people have done this.
Yes, a few stupidly obscene and threatening sock-puppet-trolls were banned for egregious behavior, but even they are back utilizing a different name. However to make matters more absurd on the obverse of the coin; if an author, not even referring to his own book, says that there is something deficient in the reviewer’s observations; not only will he get 25 one star ratings on each of his books, but he will be banned from the site; perhaps an unintentional favor. The reviewer-librarians have been Bozos’-granted the right to be the unquestionable last word. The Supreme Court has expressed its jealousy. Is it any wonder why any author exceeding a $15,000 per annum income level doesn’t take the two minutes required to establish an “official”
GFR presence? This is no ‘moral’ issue to me. Bozos can do whatever the hell he wants with his property. I just can’t understand how any writer would want to be involved at any level.
8) Everyone above the age of 15 who was born in Great Britain has written at least one book which is currently available on AmawayOnSteroids. Fortunately for indies they have as much current American significance and popularity as Alan Sillitoe.
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9) AOS boasts of 40,000,000 active users. They recently conducted their annual poll for best book of the year in 15
categories. The polling is over. The winners have been declared.
AOS said that there were 3,000,000 votes cast. Hmmnnnn. I guess that less than 1% of “active users” did not care to take a minute from their busy 30 days to vote for their favorite book.
Keep in mind that voters have the ability to cast votes in each of the twenty different genres. Keep further in mind that all of the resident indie authors cast votes for their own books as well as those of their compadre authors. Draw your own conclusions regarding the likelihood of 40,000,000 active GFR
users.
10) There have been a few attempts to equate AmawayOnSteroids sales ranking, which is the only “market”
number the state-of-the-art-AOS-GFR machines make available, with the number of books sold. The number of these brave, borderline Diogenes’ is likely limited to about three, some now defunct. This relative AOS ranking is a number available for every book listed; which for all intents and purposes is every book ever written which still exists and some that don’t, listed on the AOS monopoly, assuming that at least one has been sold.
“Ha ha” you may say; but you may also be surprised to learn how many have not yet reached that level. This AOS ranking is also calculated for each author, however that number is not available
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unless you know the author’s e-mail address and password, and are surfing semi-proficient. This number is not even available, except in a bastardized and AOS “adjusted” fashion, to the author himself, who is obliged to not mention it under penalty of AOS death.
The precise estimates of the correlation between book ranking and book sales differ from estimator to estimator, but the writer believes that they are not sufficiently at odds to inspire debate, except by those academics who only talk to themselves. This one was in the middle of estimates;
“AOS Best Seller Rank of 1 to 5 - selling 4,000+ books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank of 5 to 10 - selling 2,000 to 4,000 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 10 to 35 - selling 1,000 to 2,000 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 35 to 100 - selling 500 to 1,000 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 100 to 350 - selling 300 to 500 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 350 to 500 - selling 200 to 300 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 500 to 3,000 - selling 50 to 200 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 3,000 to 5,500 - selling 30 to 50 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 5,500 to 10,000 - selling 15 to 30 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 10,000 to 50,000 - selling 3 to 15 books a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank 50,000 to 100,000 - selling close to 1 book a day.
AOS Best Seller Rank in excess of 100,000 – you’ve got to be kidding.”
Writer’s note: As of December, 2015 the ranking floor is south of 8,000,000; and is going further south daily with the
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constant addition of new e-books. Some estimate 600,000 per month; though that strikes me as a number which was more relevant in the recent past. Anyway, not to worry; one book a day will put you in the top 50,000; if I’m reading this thing correctly; and just take a look at some of the atrocities out there. If one cannot outdo; “Scaly Green Mechanics #1; ‘The Crashed Aliens Get a Garage Job,’” one should really stick with the personal diary. ......... Correction. My wife just told me that “Scaly Green Mechanics #1; ‘The Crashed Aliens Get a Garage Job,” has gone on to be AOS’ #15 and Warner Brothers has purchased the movie rights. .............. Never mind. Go figure.
11) This is entirely speculative. AOS-GFR has seriously wounded or killed what remained of a book industry. There is little reason for anyone in possession of any common sense to write a book. The industry will increasingly be dominated by the mentally deficient and the sadly abused grown up kids. I think we’d all agree that for some time we have already witnessed the beginnings of that. Sure, there will always be best sellers, whatever that means, whatever the corresponding numbers, but already today’s best seller lists have been invaded by stories not worthy of a good 1950’s comic book. Look around and open your ears. The fat lady is in the middle of her aria.
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Chapter 16- Hope Springs Eternal, etc.
It is usually very unwise to be only a nay-sayer. So, here’s a list of constructive things you can do to sell your book without running the risk of being homeless.
1) Marry a super-rich literary maven. If the possible pretentiousness makes that less than palatable, marry Paul McCartney.
2) Get a regular paying job; one in which you cannot be subjected to the rigors calculated by ‘efficiency experts.’
Something judgmental first comes to mind. Barring that, fireman, evening security guard at the swimming pool, and 911 phone operator work just as well. Write your book, while being paid by someone to sit around. Upper management is an excellent option, but is only available to the few.
3) Don’t be discouraged when your first brilliant effort gets few sales. Write another, and another, and another ........
Your chances increase with each. If your probabilities were 1 in 10,000,000 with one, the writing of a second will increase your chances 100% to 2 in 10,000,000. The laws of diminishing returns do un-deniably kick in at some point. However with a third it still is a 50% improvement over the previous situation, and that’s an acceptable return to any half-conscious businessman.
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4) Even though they don’t matter financially, write about 20 reviews of your book. It seems that most writers have a psychological need to daily read something personally complimentary. The lack of that could lead to the horrors of the ill-defined writer’s block or the horrors of the need for a fling with someone who appears available. Send your 20 reviews to every relative or friend you have, even those known through social media, and ask them to post the reviews under their names as well as the names of their sock puppets on GFR and any other
‘social’ mediums at their disposal. Yes, there will be some duplication. But, if anybody checks, say it must have been the result of hacking. Hey, AOS gets away with that one. You’re in well contacted company. In the course of so doing, you will not only get psychological remuneration, but a few of your relatives and friends might actually purchase a copy; if only to provide laughs as they confirm how stupid they always thought you were.
Tip: Do not make all of the reviews of the gushing, five star variety. A seasoned reader-potential-purchaser may suspect something odd about a book with zero sales and 400 five star reviews. Even AmawayOnSteroids-GFR’s state-of-the-art search engine might have its interest piqued. Write a few one star, critical reviews and aim at a 3.8 grade point average. There’s a strong chance that it may not be better than “The Catcher in the Rye.”
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5) Contact your college English teacher and see what it would take for him-her to publicly state that you are a prodigy.
It’s probably just some sucking up. It’s amazing how bright you become when you tell someone else how bright they are. Caution: This procedure can become seen as ludicrous beyond the age of 52; your years, not the professors.
6) There are a number of writers who are now dead and were gigantic sellers when alive. Determine the name of their principal heir or executor-trix and e-mail them a few chapters of your brilliance. Intimate that you have become aware that the dearly departed had things in the works at the time of their demise and that you would like to finish it for them, in return for co-writing credit and 10% of the net. There are many ways this scenario may play out, substantially dependent on the sophistication of the contact made. Suffice to say that if you can be credited as a co-writer of the book you have written yourself, alongside the name of the dead best seller, your 10%
of the profits will exceed the 100% OF the profits you would have made releasing the book under your own name, and your name will be now known; enabling you to have some degree of negotiating power for your next one. Admittedly, that may not be a lot, but it’s more than any existing indie. You may think that this approach is an attempt at a cynical joke or the meanderings of the un-hinged mind of an un-noticed writer. I assure you that
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I’m not anywhere near that creatively competent. This scenario is based on something which actually happened, with a 10%
conjecture concerning things not available to me or the general public. One, if not more, of today’s literary superstars got their breakthrough in this precise manner. In fact, one of the hugest of today’s moneymakers did this after having had less than lackluster reaction to previous efforts. Now, he has come so far, that people ask him how to write and are answered with third grade banalities. It’s all BS.
7) Write an article for your local free paper. It won’t take very long to throw a page together which extolls the virtues of the atmosphere and cuisine at “Bruno’s Borderline Blast.” Just keep in mind that; A) Local papers only want happy news; B) Bruno has agreed to a 12 month advertising contract with “The Up and Coming Gazette,” last word most significant, in return for their “best efforts” to obtain a “fair five star review.” Wink, check-is-in-the-mail-and-obviously-didn’t-clear-yet wink; and C) There is no hard evidence that the alleged highly localized salmonella outbreak actually started at Bruno’s greasy salad bar; and even if it did, you are not responsible.
Don’t waste your time or risk food poisoning by going to the establishment. Write of the cutting edge décor, the wonderful ambience, the friendly service, and the succulent, re-heated fish sticks. Be clear with the editor of “The Up and Coming
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Gazette,” that you are perfectly willing to compromise any principles which dummies fret about to get your name and book title listed in small print under the article. You’ve been slick, as you know that three locals will read the fine print, and that one of them will mention your name to a disliked relative.
8) Consider having your name legally changed to James Patterson, Dean Koontz, Rick Riordan or Fyodor Dostoyevsky. This could be a bit problematic, but you will eventually win any court case initiated. If you prefer a zero-risk-to-cash-out-of-pocket scenario use the FD option as the dead tend not to make waves, though the sales will be less. You might google
“Patterson obituary” now and then. Buyers and reviewers can be a bit challenged when forced to make their own decisions, but are completely secure in their brand recognition skills.
9) Consider using a pen name which will generate “hits”
from people searching for other sources of entertainment. “Big Dick Donahue” and “Blow Job Jenny” come to mind. I’ll be doing further research on this topic in the near future and will advise further in the sequel to this book.
10) Always refer to your book as a “best seller.” It will likely impress someone. This may be truthfully accomplished by categorizing your book in an unusual manner. You might try something like “ebooks-fiction-paranormal-aliens-bizarre-memoir-
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historical-textbooks-YA-non-fiction.” Demonstrate your creativity. I know of a case wherein an author of two books had zero sales of each, yet one was number 3 in its category and the other was number 9 in its. He thought that AmawayOnSteroids was not reporting sales to him. It turned out that there were three books in his first category and nine in his second. He then started to legitimately refer to his books as “top 10 best sellers.”
11) Consider dating someone from AmawayOnSteroid’s Ms.
Management team; especially those with unsupervised access to the database. This is more easily accomplished at GFR, but the financial results may not be worth the degree of disgust entailed in the endeavor.
On a lighter note, look up Hugh Howey. No, that’s not me. I don’t know him and don’t get anything if you buy his books.
After doing all sorts of jobs, without having the “benefit” of having had taken courses in “creative writing” at Bennington, he began to self-publish his own indie books about five years ago.
They were immediate hits, went movie, and now he can pretty much call his own shots. When asked, he said that he never did any marketing. He suspected that his popularity grew by word of mouth; no doubt an anathema to these plastic communication
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devices in seeming continual front of our faces. Much like Warhol, his advice to aspiring artists is to “do more.”
P.S. He’s a damn good writer; like way up there. Maybe that has something to do with it.
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