Are You Okay? by Pete Bertino - HTML preview

AUTHOR

1 ARE YOU OKAY?

Zap read the top banner of an online article written by a doctor from the National Institute of Mental Health and laughed in a quick hysterical manner that turned to a hoarse sob which he cut off as a few tears escaped his eyes. He sat in the modest and clean living room of the ranch house he lived in and let out another gasp that sounded more like a moan than a laugh. He read a few sentences and stopped when he read, males makeup 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides were men.

Zap shook his head looking away as his eyes burned. Was he suicidal? He knew everybody once in a while thought about the act, some more often than others. But did that make him suicidal?

He walked away from his desktop and sat by the bay window looking out on a damp and dreary morning. It had been spitting rain for most of the morning and the clouds looked heavy and ready to spit out much more. The thought of rain brought the dream of the water pitcher to Zap’s mind once again and he shuddered internally.

It was a real water pitcher made of glass that his mother used to make sun tea. It was always spotlessly clean, as clear as crystal and looked heavy to him as a child and he would feel scared seeing his mother carrying it on a silver tray, afraid she would drop it and it would shatter into a pieces with a deafening crash but she never dropped it and when he grew up it left his mind completely until few years ago.

here

He’d been living in an apartment closer to the center of the town of Porter with his former girlfriend Wendy. They’d been together for three years at that point, living together, in what had been happiness.

They’d been discussing the idea of marriage their last year together when something felt wrong. He could sense something was off, the way she sometimes looked at him when they talked or how her voice would sound strained if he asked her about certain things.

He asked her if there was something wrong and she looked at him bewildered, as if he asked her how to tie his shoes, he’d sometimes ask her if she were sure and she would say don’t be ridiculous with her brow furrowed in confusion. He felt the question wanting to come out about once a week but would tell himself he was wrong, then one night he dreamed about the water pitcher. He was in the kitchen of his childhood, the row home on Bigler street in South Philly, but he was a grown up holding the long silver tray his mother used, holding its sides with stiff arms. Sitting on the tray was the glass pitcher filled with sun tea.

He could hear the cubes of ice tinkling musically against the pitcher. Zap’s arm muscles were taught and his jaw clenched as he slowly stepped forward towards the kitchen table, which looked miles away.

His legs moved like they were treading through molasses. Then Wendy walked through the kitchen looking down at her phone and bumped the tray. The pitcher fell to the floor with a smash that sounded like the crashing of church bells.

‘Did you do that on purpose?’ Zap had asked her in the dream.

2 ARE YOU OKAY?

‘Of course not, don’t be ridiculous.’ she said with her brow furrowed.

He had his suspicions she was cheating on him but it was the dream of the water pitcher which convinced him, the next morning Zap told her he knew she was cheating on him. When she asked him how he knew he shrugged and told her he was moving out. It hurt but not as bad as he’d thought it would be. He was angry, betrayed, lied to, but he felt more empty than anything else.

So Zap blocked her phone number and on social media, he was only on Facebook (he hardly ever used it except to talk to his best friend Dickie who had moved to Detroit a few years ago to take a job for the Detroit Red Wings as a physical therapist, he was happy for his friend but he missed him terribly) and it had upset Wendy.

“Why did you block me?” she asked with the same confused look he’d grown to loathe in a very short amount of time.

He thought back to the times he’d taken Wendy out, going to see her preferred type of movie, boring indie films starring Jesse Eisenberg, movies with vague storylines or an anticlimactic ambiguous ending. Or how they only ever went to concerts that were accompanied by a symphony or her constant looking down at her phone screen nearly every five minutes when they binged watched their favorite shows. Zap loved going out to the movies but he liked movies such as X-Men and Star Wars, what Wendy called movies for kids, and she thought the same of his hobby which was gaming.

She had called him boring plenty of times despite his efforts to expand his horizons for her, and he’d never complained because he had loved her but love wasn’t enough, he bored her and he couldn’t blame her entirely. He was angry she didn’t just break it off with him and had been actually talking about marriage even while she had been sleeping with another man.

He would always remember to clean up after himself, he never missed her birthday or anniversaries, during the COVID-19 pandemic she’d gotten laid off and he’d supported her financially while she struggled to find work which she eventually did after nearly a year. All of those things went flashing through his mind in just seconds, flash frying his brain. So he gave her the only response he felt he owed her.

“Because fuck you, that’s why.”

He said it calmly with a light shrug and walked away without looking back. That had been almost three years ago though it felt more like a decade ago and the loneliness followed. His parents had passed away long ago, he had no siblings or immediate family. Dickie called him on holidays and on his birthday, when he wasn’t busy rehabbing NHL superstars and raising twins with his wife.

3 ARE YOU OKAY?

As time passed Zap would dream about carrying the pitcher, not often but often enough to judge the pitcher was getting heavier each time he dreamed of it. The sweet brown liquid would sometimes slosh audibly like rough ocean waves and he’d feel a cold sweat breakout and grease his fingers. At the beginning of the current year he dreamed he had tripped over his own feet while carrying the pitcher, it frightened him so bad he woke himself up gasping for air like he’d run a race before the pitcher hit the linoleum floor.

He remember he’d gotten out of bed to get a glass of milk and to watch the sunrise and he saw his elderly widowed neighbor Tom from across the road to get the paper, his wispy, thin white hair looked like gossamer and contrasted starkly with his heavy brown sweater. They would make small talk about the Phillies or the Eagles or the weather.

“Are you okay?” Tom asked.

Zap was silent for a moment, not sure what to say so he nodded and raised his glass of milk.

“Late night?”

“No,” Zap said with a chuckle, “early morning.”

“Yeah, just wait until you’re my age, then every morning is early.”

“Can’t wait.” Zap said with an eye roll which made Tom laugh like he does whenever he told Zap a

‘dad joke’ he found on Facebook which were quite funny despite their corniness.

“Well you’re still young, you should get out more.”

Zap thought Tom was right, that maybe he should get out more. He’d been so used to having Wendy attached to the hip, making sure that they were both at least content, he forgot he could do whatever he wanted now. The sudden realization at his independence had him feeling a little better for the moment.

He went to the movies and saw the latest Spider-Man movie, it was the animated one so it was definitely a kids movie but he didn’t think long on that, he saw the new M. Night Shyamalan horror picture, he went to see Gwar in concert for the first time in ten years, he drove to Philly to visit The Mutter Museum, a place dedicated to things that would have made Wendy physically ill. Yes he went out and did many things he’d longed to do, and yet every time he went out to live and enjoy life, he still felt empty.

4 ARE YOU OKAY?

He would go to the theater, or the concert venue and he would do the whole selfie thing where you smile, aiming the phone crookedly trying to show where you’re at, letting people know you were having a blast and you weren’t actually empty inside. That your heart is hurting but not because someone betrayed but because you were hurting still regardless even if you were over the betrayal.

Every picture he took he posted, then he would go on his Facebook page and look into his own eyes.

Studying the lips that were in the shape of a smile but not smiling, and eyes that looked timid and unsure. He’d stare at the picture for only a moment or two before deleting it, feeling like he had taken a picture of an impostor. He was alone and it scared him a little at times and sometimes it was more than a little.

Sometimes the realization of that loneliness was like a jump scare in horror movie, he’d be walking around town and he’d see a couple walking hand in hand looking happy and in love, or a group of friends driving somewhere on a Friday night in a car packed with music and laughs and friendship then his heart would start to thump in his chest painfully and his eyes would start to burn like he wanted to cry and he would have to stop and close his eyes and catch his breath. He wanted to try dating again but he wasn’t sure if he should and he didn’t trust dating apps so he tried Facebook and went to a local singles page and struck up a conversation on Facebook messenger with a woman on the same page named Rochelle who had an X-Men logo as her profile picture.

They talked for a few days and were discussing an ex boyfriend of hers being an asshole and Zap feeling confident, suggested she try dating a nice guy like him. After several minutes of the bubble that shows the other person was typing Zap had gotten a very long, very angry response some written in all caps that was laced with misspellings and insults about his physical appearance but it was the end of the text that was seared into his mind like a scar.

‘….ur only a nice guy because you want women for sex, you think because ur a nice guy woman owe you something, ur problem is you HATE women!!! you DON’T respect us and youse act like we all owes you a blow job and a THANK YOU for opening a door but we don’t owe a PIG like you SHIT!!!! an no nice guy ever says they a nice guy, ur ex is lucky she got away from ur no good ass.’

Zap sat at the window thinking about that response, they were sharing Star Wars and X-Men memes a moment before and the next she decided he was a pig. A no good woman hater that was nice to women because he wanted to fuck them.

“I thought I was a nice guy because my mother taught me to treat women with respect.” he said quietly to the empty living room.

That woman didn’t know him very well but had decided he was no good because he told her he was a nice guy.

5 ARE YOU OKAY?

“So no guy ever said ‘hey I’m nice’ not ever?” Zap said with a laugh that was as empty as he was.

Was he even ready to date? Was he suicidal?

“I don’t think so.”

Then why the sudden urge to scream or possibly cry.

“I’m lonely.”

If he was suicidal, would it matter? He took the phone from his pocket and scrolled through his contacts where less than a dozen numbers were listed. Besides Dickie’s number there was the number for the man he rented the house from, five or six different numbers for work and coworkers, one for the electric company and one for Xfinity and that was all. The sky was gray like sink water, rain drops tapped lightly against the window.

Zap stood at the window looking at the road that bordered the house, to the right it led you into town.

On the left the road went on three quarters of a mile with forest on both sides, near the end of the road on the left hand side the forest ended where a two story house with white siding called a gable-ell sat on a low lying hill whose lawn and hedges were constantly maintained by professional landscapers that came from the city. The road comes to a sudden end just past the house where there is drop off into a stony ravine.

When he first moved up here Tom told him about the spectacular view but to be careful of the drop off and how there was no guardrail or fence. Zap had gone there a few times and the view was grand, the drop off went down for a good fifty feet where the stony cliff side rolled down and out into a forest that was like looking into a bowl of Fruity Pebbles when it’s Autumn or a rolling green sea when it’s a breezy Summer day.

Zap put on a hoodie knowing at this time of year the trees would be bare and skeletal, their naked branches would look like bony hands with knobby fingers. A sharp wind slapped his face as he stepped outside so he put up his hood and followed the path to the road. He didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to go to the drop off. Or maybe he did.

“No, I don’t know.”

He nodded his head as the rain picked up a little and walked up the right hand side of the gravelly road.

The breeze pushed his hood back so he kept his head down as the clouds spat on the back of his neck.

6 ARE YOU OKAY?

He could feel his hair getting damp and see the cuffs of his blue jeans turning a shade darker as he stepped in sporadic puddles. There was a good chance he might slip, he thought worriedly.

“Then I slip.” he huffed loudly at the foul weather.

Yes he’d slip or maybe he wouldn’t. Suddenly he felt too angry to give a God damn, he’d take a fuckin swan dive off the end of the road if he felt like it. He grimaced at the dark thought, it left a taste in his mouth that was putrid and sour. He ignored the house looking down on him from the left and looked up and could see the end of the road fifty feet or so ahead and he remembered the text that woman sent him, saying Wendy was lucky to get away from him.

He suddenly felt okay as the rain started to come on a little harder, well maybe not okay but a little more sure. He knew in his heart he was a nice guy because he was raised that way, not just because of his mother but his father too who told him to always treat others how you would like to be treated, but it didn’t matter because people see what they want to see. He kept his head down and marched but stopped a good twenty feet still to go when he heard a voice.

“Dude! Yo dude! Hey!”

Zap felt his stomach freeze and thought for a moment he knew what a deer caught in the headlights might feel. He turned and saw on the side of the road where the house sat was the short picket fence that edged the surrounding land. Standing on the property behind the fence was a man with long, carroty red hair wearing a denim jacket, he was waving at Zap, gesturing for him to come over.

Zap’s heart was beating a mile a minute with uncertainty but seeing the red headed man slowed his heart and loosened the knot in his stomach. He felt nauseous and afraid, had he heard him talking to himself? Maybe he needed help. Zap took a deep breath and quickly walked over.

As Zap got closer he could see the man was young, only a few years out of high school, he wore a dusty looking denim jacket. The rain was coming down a little harder but the red head was unbothered.

He smiled when Zap got close and his eyes lit up.

“Hey dude, you gotta be careful.”

“Huh?” Zap said.

“Check it out.” the redhead said pointing to the side of the road against the forest.

7 ARE YOU OKAY?

The rain was picking up and Zap looked further up the road and could see a torrent of water start coming down the side he’d been walking on. It shocked Zap how fast it started to flow and quickly turned that half of the road into a miniature gully.

“I’ve seen trees get washed out and go over the drop off, I didn’t want you to get hurt dude.”

“Oh, thanks. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

A crack of thunder echoed across the sky making Zap jump and laugh.

“I guess I better go home before I drown, thanks again.”

“No problem, dude.”

Zap ran, feeling both touched by his warning and horrified the redhead might have heard him talking to himself. Thinking he was crazy, suspecting or worse yet, knowing he was going to….

“No I wasn’t gonna do anything, I was just...thinking.”

Yes, he was just thinking...no contemplating about thinking about what the act of suicide would actually mean in the grand scheme of things. A sort of assessment, a weighing of pros and cons. A weighting of facts when you got right down to it, so he was fine. So what if he was running home feeling hysterical.

He ran because it was raining hard, not because he was being chased by his demons, those were rain drops on his cheeks, not tears. He was lonely, he knew that. Hell he’d even tried therapy for a month or so but it didn’t help. All the therapist could tell him during their last Zoom session was that he was lonely and he already knew that and that he had trust issues that had developed due to Wendy’s infidelity. Well no fucking shit, doc.

He closed the door behind him, pressing his back to the door angry but he couldn’t fault the doctor for his own gullibility or poor choice of partners. He was an introvert who sometimes didn’t know how to start a conversation or say more than hello to a random person. He worked security at an indoor storage facility near the city and he hardly saw anyone there regularly other than Vic the FedEx guy who dropped off paychecks from the main office in Philly on Fridays and random other things for the supervisor once or twice a week.

8 ARE YOU OKAY?

If he was at a party he would be the one in the corner feeling awkward and looking for a cat to pet or a drink to nurse so he had something to do with his hands. He felt his eyes burn as the rain tapped loudly against the window. He rubbed his eyes to make sure they didn’t squirt tears and tried to forget his brief walk to the drop off. The realization he had almost offed himself made him feel ashamed, even dirty.

He took a long, hot shower to get rid of that dirty feeling and went to bed.

The following week, like most in his life, was uneventful. He plodded through work each day, sometimes sitting at a desk where he could watch TV on a 13 inch flat screen or read a book when he wasn’t doing his brief rounds through the one story facility every hour. He saw Vic on Friday, he was a heavyset man about Zap’s age who had dark skin and thick black hair and had a slight Spanish accent, on his right forearm was a tattoo of the Puerto Rican flag.

“Hey my dude, did you see Evil Dead Rise yet?” Vic asked.

“No I’m gonna wait until it’s streaming. Is it any good? I’ve been trying to avoid spoilers.”

“Yeah man it’s creepy as shit, for real. Almost as good as the original” he said, handing over a package.

“No shit? I hope so, most horror movies suck anymore. Like Terrifier, those movies are gory but not scary. It feels like those movies go more for shocks than scares.”

“Yeah, I didn’t like the Saw movies either they…”

Vic was interrupted by his phone chiming ‘Hello Moto’ he took it from the pocket of his cargo pants to see who was calling.

“Oh it’s my brother, I gotta take this call. See ya later, Zap.”

“Stay cool, Vic.”

The rest of his Friday and the following week was more routine with overlying loneliness that made time move slow. He would sometimes look at the conversation he had with the woman on Facebook, trying to figure out if he had come off arrogant or had maybe given off some kind of bad vibes from any of his responses but he didn’t think he had.

9 ARE YOU OKAY?

He didn’t think he was ready to date anyway but he couldn’t help but wonder what he had said or done wrong. Zap had more time to think about it the following week when a coworker began skipping shifts and the boss asked Zap to fill in. Zap didn’t mind since he’d get overtime and honestly what else was he going to do with all his free time. The extra time at work meant he didn’t have to sit by himself at home, though he hardly ever saw people while he was at work either.

He worked until nine every night and felt exhausted one night but tossed and turned until after midnight before falling asleep and dreaming of the glass pitcher. He was carrying it on the silver tray through the kitchen, he could hear the yellow and white linoleum tiles under his feet squeak with each step. The sloshing tea and tinkling ice was loud and it made his arms shake, a cold sweat had broken out over his body and his teeth wanted to chatter like he was in a deep freeze.

He was breathing heavily, his chest was tight with fear. The sun coming in through the kitchen window was bright enough to make Zap squint with a grimace. Then he heard the familiar chime of ‘Hello Moto’ coming from his pocket, it was so loud it caused him to miss a step. He over corrected and the floor under his feet felt off kilter and the glass pitcher began to slide as ‘Hello Moto’ chimed out again he closed his eyes in anticipation of the hellacious racket of breaking glass.

Just as his arms began to falter and the pitcher was about to tumble he felt a pair of hands grip his arms right at the elbow. He opened his eyes and saw it was the young red head he’d seen the other day and Zap felt touched and horrified all over again.

“Oh, thanks.” said Zap as the floor felt flat and even under his feet again.

“I didn’t want you to get hurt dude.” he said with a smile.

“Oh, thanks. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

He woke up and felt a little better than he had before. When his boss called a few moments later to ask him if he minded coming in on his day off he didn’t feel too depressed about it. It was a long week and he worked more than fifty hours for the following two weeks and though he tried to appreciate his own independence that loneliness came creeping over him like a bad cold or infection. He hated that he couldn’t be content with having no one in his life.

Though work still hadn’t found a permanent replacement and Zap was still making overtime, he had a day off. It was November and cold but the sun was out and there was no wind so he went for a walk to the drop off. Zap was still in the throes of loneliness but he hadn’t had any dark thoughts and just wanted to see the view one more time before it got too cold and windy to enjoy the sight.

10 ARE YOU OKAY?

His steps were slow and easy, he took his time and drank in the crisp Autumn air. He passed the house on the left and gazed briefly at the domicile but the windows were dark and he couldn’t see the driveway since he was looking into the house’s backyard. Zap walked a little further and stopped, far away from the drop off but still close enough to get a good view of the naked forest below and the rolling hills beyond.

He loved the way the blue sky went on and on, looking as blue as the ocean and as still as a pond. In the distance a bird, possibly a hawk, coasted the sky from right to left before disappearing in the forest.

About a half mile away Zap could see a white tailed deer with large antlers meander its way through the trees, he watched it for about twenty minutes until it was too deep among the trees for him to see and he felt a little bit of joy.

Zap sighed as he had a feeling this would be the highlight of the day and felt that small shred of joy evaporate. The thought was bitter but Zap shrugged it off with another sigh. So what if watching a deer was the best moment of his day, strike that, the best moment of his week? Wasn’t he allowed a little magic in his otherwise solitary, boring life?

“Yeah, I guess.” Zap said though he wasn’t exactly sure.

He felt the loneliness coming over him as he looked on and turned away from the drop off. He half expected to see the redhead standing at the fence again but there was no one. Zap walked slowly away from the drop off with his hands in his pockets as he walked. When he was nearly past the fence Zap heard movement from behind it and saw the redhead had been bent over looking down at a rose bush that had a few wilted roses still hanging on to the thorny bush.

“Hey dude,” said the red head standing up with a big smile. “my mom planted these. You should see it in the Summer.”

“I bet they look good, my mom loved roses too.”

Zap saw on the red head’s denim jacket sleeve was a patch of Felix The Cat holding out his arms with a big smile, he suddenly had the urge to tell the red head about his dream but decided not to at the last second, thinking it might sound creepy to this young man telling him he had dreamed about him.

“They are a beautiful flower. How’s the view today?”

“Great, I saw a big ass deer that’ll probably wind up on some dude’s wall before Christmas. I wish I could enjoy it better.”

11 ARE YOU OKAY?

“What do you mean?”

Zap was silent for a moment, unsure how to answer.

“I mean…”

Zap’s phone began to ring, he took it out and grimaced when he saw it was his boss’s number.

“I mean I feel like if it weren’t for work no one would give two shits about me, sorry I got to take this call, friggin work.” Zap said weakly.

“Be easy on yourself, dude.” the redhead said gently.

Zap gave him a wave as he walked away to take the call. When he was at work he regretted saying what he’d said to the red head, it sounded dark and he felt angry with himself for talking that way in front of a person and they hardly knew each other. If the young red head hadn’t thought Zap was a little crazy then he surely would now.

He wondered if he had come off as crazy to the woman he talked to on Facebook and felt his stomach become a hard knot. He had to come to terms with his feelings somehow, sometimes people were meant to be alone. It left an empty void in him but what would be the alternative? If a view on a cliff side was to be the highlight of his day, week, or even year, shouldn’t he be grateful?

The thought was a comfort, however small, and there were people that were worse off than him. People in loveless marriages or in abusive households that still got up every morning going to work or school.

People that were in deep trauma or addiction still maintaining some kind of balance despite it all. Then there was Zap who was shedding a few tears because he was boring and didn’t have any friends even at the middle age of his life.

“Maybe I am being a baby?” he said to himself.

He would remind himself that there were others worse off than him whenever he felt sad. Or he’d think of the grand view at the end of his road and it held the loneliness at bay sometimes. Still he could feel it covering his body like a damp towel, Vic had come by on Tuesday with a package and had asked if he was okay and Zap just gave the kind of smile he’d given during selfies and said yes. He could hear Wendy in his head say ‘of course not, don’t be ridiculous’ but Vic appeared convinced.

12 ARE YOU OKAY?

He dreamed of the glass pitcher again, holding it with stiff arms, standing alone in the kitchen seeing the table, its white vinyl tablecloth adorned with pink flowers. He didn’t want to even move so he stood still but he could feel the floor tilt under his feet, the pitcher began to slide one way then the other like the tray had been greased. The pitcher was sliding left to right making his arms wobble up and down, faster and faster.

He could feel his arms thrashing as tea began to splash on his hands. He was gritting his teeth, trying to stop the rocking. He said no loud enough that he woke himself up. Zap pushed the dream away, reminding himself it could always be worse. He hated that feeling and wanted to make it disappear, but that was what his friend Dickie would have called ‘magical thinking’ which he also said was as useless and ineffective as telling someone ‘thoughts and prayers’ after suffering a personal tragedy.

He considered giving his friend a call, Dickie was focused and had a rational mind unlike Zap who could feel scatter brained even at the best of times. Zap went to Dickie’s Facebook page and saw all of those pictures of him and his life, six hundred mile away, pictures of him, his lovely wife and doe eyed kids at places such as Disney World, Rome, Paris, him in a locker room with millionaire athletes depending on him to keep them physically fit nine months out of the year. Zap realized Dickie had his own problems to worry about, ones more important than his loneliness.

He told himself he’d be okay, that once he completely accepted this new fact he’d feel better. Maybe not happy but better. Friday had come on wet and windy, gray weather for his gray mood, the roads were icy and there was a snow squall that was heading over the Delaware Valley. He carefully pulled into the parking lot at work and gazed at his tired face and eyes with bags under them, his face was slightly pale.

He didn’t dream last night of the glass pitcher or anything else but his sleep had been restless so he forged ahead into the workday. No one had come by until a little after eleven, the wind was howling when the door to the vestibule opened and Vic walked in wearing a wool knit cap and a heavy black Winter jacket with the FedEx logo on the back, his boots were wet with slush.

“Fuck that shit is starting to come down already.” said Vic with a theatrical shiver.

“The weather app on my phone says it’ll be done by rush hour.” Zap replied with a sympathetic nod.

“Shit the one on my phone says it hasn’t even started yet,” Vic said, following it up with a swear word in Spanish. “the weather guy on channel 6 this morning didn’t know when it was supposed to start either.”

“Yeah those guys are fuckin useless.” Zap said distantly.

13 ARE YOU OKAY?

“Are you okay?” Vic asked, looking at him closely.

Zap had been looking down at a blotter calendar on the desk, he picked his head up looking at Vic. He was silent for three seconds before he finally spoke.

“I’m…”

That was all he said before the sound of a tire spinning on an icy surface followed by the sound of metal crashing into metal which was audible over the wind. Zap and Vic could see through the glass door leading from the vestibule to the outside that a sedan had hit the rear of Vic’s delivery truck.

“God damn it.” Vic said under his breath.

“Doesn’t look like the driver’s hurt.” said Zap standing up to get a closer look.

“God damn it, I’m gonna have to call my supervisor and fill out a friggin accident report shit, I’ll see ya later Zap.”

Zap was sad but relieved as well that he didn’t get a chance to speak. He doubted he would have said anything other than ‘I’m fine’ to Vic anyway. He didn’t have friends and the little bit of nerdy chit chat he had with Vic was a tiny joy in his life and he didn’t want to freak the guy out talking about this loneliness nonsense.

Saturday was cold but dry and the sky was bluebird bright and cloud free. Zap woke up feeling a little more rested and had a dry bagel and a Red Bull for breakfast before starting his day off with a walk to the drop off. He was hoping to see the red head again and to apologize for how he acted the other day, not that he had been rude to the young man but Zap felt foolish for throwing his personal business at a college kid just trying to enjoy the view from his backyard.

Zap reached the fence of the backyard, taking a glimpse to see if the young man was admiring the rose bush again but he wasn’t there. So Zap went towards the end of the road and found a large flat stump to sit on and wait for a little while to see if the guy might come outside. Zap sat watching the sky, seeing the occasional black specks of birds flying and the blinking white specks of planes coming and going from Philadelphia.

He sat for forty five minutes, looking over his shoulder every few minutes but he hadn’t come out. Zap hadn’t expected to actually see the red head today so he wasn’t too disappointed when he got up off the tree stump. His ass was feeling numb though the sun shining above kept most of the chills away and he

14 ARE YOU OKAY?

stretched grimacing but sighing with relief when his back cracked audibly. Zap was walking towards home, he looked to his right at the house and saw the red head walking along the edge of his backyard where it met the forest.

“Hey dude.” he said cheerily to Zap.

“Hey man, I’m glad I ran into you. I just wanted to apologize for how I acted the last time we spoke.”

“Apologize?”

“Yeah for acting all...uh ya know...for acting like a sour puss about work…”

“You don’t need to apologize.” he said.

“Oh, okay...I just...I didn’t want you to...you know.” Zap said with a nervous laugh that he played off with a shrug.

“Are you okay, dude?” he asked.

Zap felt his heart stutter in his chest. He looked the young man in the eyes trying to gauge the question, wondering if it was an honest question or just an attempt at chit chat. If it had been Vic in front of him asking him again he knew he would have said he was fine but Zap didn’t think he could lie to this young man and he honestly didn’t want to.

“I think so,” Zap said after a few seconds. “I feel empty sometimes and alone. I feel like I’m invisible to the world and I didn’t know it until recently. I spent years building something and it fell apart. I didn’t know that even the little things in life are sometimes too much to ask for even if you’re a nice guy because life isn’t fair and the world is unkind. So in the end you’re left out in the rain without an umbrella with your hands in your pockets looking and feeling so alone you think you really are the last person on Earth.

“And it happens to a lot of guys now and I’m just one of many suffering loneliness. I read an article by a psychiatrist who called it a type of cancer, emotional cancer, and like most cancers you can’t kill it and if you try you’re more likely to kill yourself before you can do it. I know I’m at fault for this, don’t think I’m throwing myself a pity party. I just hurt is all.”

15 ARE YOU OKAY?

Zap watched the young man’s face as he spoke, waiting for it to change into a look of worried suspicion he was in the presence of a blithering man child complaining that life was unfair. But the red headed young man nodded slightly with a sad smile listening closely until Zap finished speaking.

His smile lightened just a little when he replied.

“Being alone can be a prison for the soul, dude” he said, taking a glimpse of his mother’s rose bush.

“ya know what I think? Maybe the doctor’s right, it’s like cancer but the way you kill this cancer is by being an awesome dude. To give to the world instead of take, ya know dude? Don’t just be a candle in the dark, be the flame that lights it. It’s something my mom would tell me to do whenever I was feeling sad or lonely while I was away at school, it’s corny, I know dude but it helped me.”

Zap did think it sounded a little corny, but as he thought on those words they did fill him with a sense of comfort he’d never felt before. Zap recalled his mother telling him when still a child that the world is what you make of it and that you had to make a good one. Zap was about to reply when on the hill where the house sat a work truck that said ‘R. & J. Ertel HVAC & Electrical Services’ pulled up to the back of the house.

“I hope they didn’t mess up your grass.” said Zap.

“I guess they’ll be weatherizing the house again, well I like to stay out of their way so I’m gonna split.

It’s good to see ya, dude.” he said with a small smile walking towards the house.

“Yeah, you too.” Zap said, taking a few steps before stopping suddenly to go back.

“Hey! What’s your name?”

The young man turned and smiled.

“It’s Felix,” he said, pointing to the patch on his jacket. “like the cat.”

“My name’s Zap.” he said with a wave.

“Awesome to meet you, Zap.” Felix said with a wave before continuing his way to the house.

Zap went home feeling happy with a genuine smile on his face for the first time in a long while. He felt good, still hurting and lonely but also better. Like he just got over the worst part of a really bad cold or flu and could take a deep breath without hacking up a lung. Zap felt so good he decided to walk into

16 ARE YOU OKAY?

town, he had no idea where he was going, all he knew was that his feet were itching for new ground to cover.

He walked down the road until he came to a large four lane avenue called Independence and walked a half mile until he reached the shopping district known as The Golden Strip which was a cul-de-sac lined with stores such as Hobby Lobby, Target, Lowe’s, Dick’s Sporting Goods and a couple of restaurants. He grabbed a hot dog lunch at Nathan’s Famous Restaurant, he laughed as he walked by the GameStop store which had recently shuttered permanently. He did a little bit of shopping at Target before heading down a side street to walk the long way home.

He was enjoying the crisp air and humming a tune called ‘Sunset’, relishing the sound of dried out leaves crunching under his feet walking down a street called Sheridan. He went across a crosswalk nearing a white brick building on his left. He was halfway down the block when he saw from the corner of his eye a black figure had been painted on the wall. Zap turned his head to see the figure better and he felt his heart do a little jump when he saw it was Felix The Cat, smiling and holding out his arms.

Zap’s lips felt numb but he smiled as he saw that there were other characters painted on the wall such as Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, SpongeBob SquarePants, the Rugrats. The cartoon characters were faded, some to the point it was hard to tell who some of them were. The only thing that looked freshly painted was a large bright blue arrow with black borders pointing to the corner just ahead, in the arrow were the words ‘this way to Elite Games’ in blocky letters.

“Elite Games?”

He’d never heard of the store, Zap followed the arrow. He turned the corner and saw a brightly lit display window with a large neon sign flashing pinkish purple light in glass tubes that said Elite Games. A black banner with blue letters in a font style of the Sega logo stated that retro games and consoles were their specialty. Through the window Zap could see the walls were lined with games, and the store had a section for every generation console starting at the Atari 2600 going all the way up to the PlayStation 5 and Nintendo Switch.

Zap walked through the door which chimed ‘Sega’ as he walked in and saw that the center of the store had three island racks dedicated to handhelds, which was mostly games for the various versions of the Game Boy. There were signs on the wall declaring they did trade-ins and that they refurbished consoles and game cartridges. At the front of the store was a glass display case filled with rare games and gaming accessories, as Zap stepped closer someone came out of a door behind the display counter and Zap let out a surprised laugh.

“Hey Vic.”

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“Holy shit, how’s it going?” Vic said, shaking his hand over the display case sounding just as surprised.

It was strange to see him out of uniform, which was a dark blue shirt and dark blue chinos and work boots. Today he was wearing jeans and a black T-shirt with a picture of a bearded man that looked like Jesus who was laughing beneath the picture was the caption ‘Nigga pleeze’.

“You work here too?”

“Nah, shit this is me and my brother’s store. I only work part time for FedEx, but at the rate GameStop stores be closin, I’ll be able to ditch FedEx for good. We’ve been cleaning up, me and my bro got a corner on the market, fuck them big corporate mutha fucka’s. Everybody lovin on the mom an pop stores from back in the day, missing the good ole day’s ya know?”

Zap was nodding, when he and Dickie were growing up in South Philly the video games they rented didn’t come from Blockbuster Video but from a local place at 15th and Porter called Hollywood Knights run by this old guy and his two adult sons that lived in the house next door. They also had movies to rent and you didn’t need an ID if you wanted to rent R rated movies. He recalled they had an area in the back that was blocked off by a heavy black curtain with a sign that said ‘Adults Only’ in big letters, that he’d always wanted to peek behind but never dared. The sudden flashback made his face light up with a smile.

“Yeah, see you remember them days. Good times, am I right, my dude?”

“Hell yeah. How long have you been in business? I didn’t even know this town had an indie gaming store.”

“Two and a half years this Christmas. This place used to be a preschool until it went bust thanks to the pandemic .”

“That explains Felix The Cat and his friends.”

“Yeah,” Vic said with a chuckle. “I’ve been meaning to paint over it and maybe pay someone to do a mural of like Super Mario or Mega Man ya know.”

“That would be cool, dude you got an awesome store.”

“Come back here behind the counter, I got a little gaming lounge set up.”

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Behind the door was a short set of steps leading into a medium sized room with an assortment of arcade cabinets of games lined up against the walls, some of which that he’d spent many weekend nights playing at Mosconi Pool Hall on Oregon ave as a teenager plugging in quarters with pizza grease on his fingers and a swear on his lips. The walls of the gaming lounge were wood panel and gave Zap a feeling of nostalgia for some reason.

“The walls look familiar.”

“I got the wood paneling from The Pizza Hut that closed down a few years ago. They use the same type of paneling in all their locations.”

“The one on the west side of town?” Zap asked with a laugh which redoubled when Vic nodded.

“It works though right?”

“Oh absolutely. I love it. It’s like subliminal nostalgia, you feel nostalgic even though you’re not sure why.”

At the center of the room was a long pastel couch sitting in front of a very large CRT television monitor that sat on a towering entertainment stand made of tan colored wood, between that and the couch was a long coffee table made of tan wood with a clear glass center. The entire set up of the couch, coffee table, TV and stand looked like it had come out of a Sears catalog circa 1991.

“A couple of the cabinets are originals but the new ones I built with kits from a distributor online.”

“I like the furniture set up. Goodwill?”

“Nah. I got it from my grandma,” he said, making them both laugh. “I got an N64, a Dreamcast and a PS2 hooked to that beast.”

“That’s cool you could charge customers by the hour if they wanna play the cabinets or even the consoles hooked up to your CRT.”

“Well me and my brother made this lounge so we could hang out with friends and shit. Hey you wanna play some Golden Eye, 1 v 1?” Vic asked.

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Zap felt flustered, the last time he played that game he was in high school.

“Uh, no man you’re working.”

“Aw man,” said Vic with a smack of his lips. “I’m about to close anyway and my wife and kid aren’t gonna be home for another hour. Come on dude, everybody I know sucks at Golden Eye.”

“Okay, I’m really rusty though so you’ll probably kick my ass.”

Vic locked the door and counted his til and came back with two bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

They clinked glasses before starting the first deathmatch which Vic won handily, after four matches though Zap began to remember the layout of the buttons and the maps which had once been tattooed into his brain when still an adolescent but had become faded by time. He was soon ahead by two wins.

“Mutha fucka,” said Vic. “you got lucky that last match. I only blew myself up cause them long ass hallways makes it hard to shoot a rocket straight.”

“You should have stuck with the rifle. Hey it’s been over an hour, I’m not keeping you from getting home am I?”

“Naw, dude. Me and my wife and son live upstairs, there’s a two bedroom apartment up there. She went to the grocery store and went to pick up the kid at football practice.”

It was only a moment or so later that a door in the far corner of the room opened and in walked a short and slightly chubby woman with dark hair and a dark complexion wearing dark blue nurse scrubs.

“Hey baby, you need help with the bags?”

“No Nicholas took them up.”

“Hey Marie, this is my friend Zap, I know him from my route at work.”

“Hello Marie, nice to meet you.”

“You too, Zap. Are you staying for dinner?” she asked pleasantly.

20 ARE YOU OKAY?

“Oh, no thank you.”

“Why not? You’re welcome to stay dude. I got a pre-roll of Purple Diesel for desert man, it’s good shit, tastes like grape.” Vic said.

“I don’t wanna impose…”

Zap tried to argue but Marie didn’t want to hear it.

“Hush, I made lasagna so there’s more than enough.” she said going over to Vic to give him a kiss.

“Yeah Zap, I married an Italian woman so she knows how to keep me full.” he said, patting his stomach.

Their son Nicholas was the spitting image of his father except he was taller and had long hair like Felix. He was a defensive end for the Porter High School Broncos with dreams of playing for Penn State. They ate in a lovely kitchen that reminded Zap of his mom’s kitchen, they talked and laughed, and when Zap left that evening after dinner (he was stuffed after two helpings but there had been so much left over that Marie made him take home two more helpings) Vic told him to stop by the store any time.

“Even if you just wanna hang out, my dude.”

When he laid down that night he felt a happiness he hadn’t known in a very long time. The next morning Zap woke up and felt actually awake, not tired or groggy or unsure but wide awake. He dreamed about lighting a candle, he was in a very dark room but he wasn’t afraid because he had a candle and a match to light it with. He whistled as he showered then walked to the Salvation Army soup kitchen that operated next to a church called ‘First Church Porter’ that was not far from his house.

He opened a glass door with the red Salvation Army logo and walked into a room that looked like the cafeteria of his old high school.

Just to his left was an open office door so he knocked and found a middle aged woman in a dark gray pants suit wearing a silver crucifix sitting behind a desk writing in a book. Her name was Sister Elaine Shaw of the Methodist church, Zap told her he wanted to volunteer to help with the soup kitchen. He explained to her he was not a Methodist or the member of any church and thought she might turn him away but she said that she was one hundred percent okay with it.

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So three mornings before work and two early evenings on his days off he helped give out meals and toiletries to the homeless. The other volunteers were some of the nicest people he’d ever met, the people that came in for their help were generally very kind though some were not and even resentful but Zap understood many were suffering from mental illnesses and never took it personally. Zap also used his car to go to the food banks in the city to pick up meals when the church van was in the shop for repairs. He’d helped pump out the basement of the church next door after a heavy rainfall turned it into a knee deep swimming pool. When he had finished the job Sister Shaw said she wished her parishioners had Zap’s gumption which made him feel good.

When he wasn’t volunteering he’d go to Elite Games to say hi to Vic who would always tell him to stick around and hang out for a Golden Eye rematch or to even the score instead with some Mario Kart and Marie would usually make him stay for dinner, not that he minded. A few days before Thanksgiving Sister Shaw asked if he would be able to work the kitchen on Thanksgiving, she stressed that if he couldn’t that would be fine but Zap knew he’d just sit at home alone watching football and told her he’d be delighted to work the kitchen. He meant it too. On Black Friday Vic came in with the paychecks looking bundled up against the cold.

“Hey Vic, how you doing?”

“Not too bad. The in-laws came for a visit and the Cowboys lost so it was a good day. What did you do for turkey day?”

“I worked at the soup kitchen next to the First Church Porter then I got a hoagie at Wawa and binge watched Peacemaker.”

“Oh,” Vic said quietly.

Zap smiled and gave a shrug.

“You didn’t see your family or nothin?”

“Well,” Zap said with an awkward chuckle. “my parents died a long time ago and I don’t have any aunts or uncles or siblings for that matter and I haven’t had a girlfriend in years. My friend Dickie used to invite me over to hang out with him and his family on the holidays but he moved to Michigan a couple of years ago, so I guess I don’t really celebrate holidays anymore.”

Vic looked at a loss for words, Zap gave him a laugh and a smile.

22 ARE YOU OKAY?

“Vic it’s not a big deal, sincerely.” Zap said, trying to sound lighthearted.

“Oka y. Stop by the store tomorrow night, my brother and a couple of his friends are c o ming by with his Switch. Mario Kart 8 tournament baby.”

“Nice.”

Zap went to Elite Games the following night. He brought along a 12 pack of Mike’s along much to the delight of the others. Marie was upstairs in the apartment with pizzas she’d made from scratch baking in the oven. When the pies were finished, Vic asked Zap to help Marie grab one of the pizzas.

“Hey Vic is in a race so he asked me to help with the pies, hopefully you don’t put pineapples on them cause that’s just straight up disgusting. What is it, what’s wrong?”

Marie was standing up from the oven with her hands on her hips, looking upset.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were going to be alone on Thanksgiving?” she asked quickly.

Zap’s shoulders sagged, it was then that Vic came up the steps behind him.

“I wish you hadn’t said anything about that, Vic. I said it wasn’t a big deal.”

“I’m sorry man, I know you did but I felt bad.”

“Well...don’t feel bad. I’ve spent the holidays alone before.” Zap said which for some reason made him feel horrible in a way he couldn’t explain.

“Nobody should be alone on the holidays, dude.”

“Why not? It doesn’t bother me, I’m always chilling by myself on the holidays.” Zap said with a shrug.

“Well not anymore,” Marie said with a finger raised at Zap. “you’re coming over Christmas Eve.”

“No,” Zap said, feeling ashamed suddenly. “I’m not. Christmas is a time for family…”

23 ARE YOU OKAY?

“And friends,” Marie retorted. “every Christmas Eve we have a party for family and close friends.”

Zap felt tongue tied but still wanted to argue even though he felt a joy in his heart that was so foreign to him he was a little scared by it.

“Yeah, close friends Marie, you guys hardly know me. I don’t want you to invite me because you feel sorry for me, that would just make me feel worse.”

“I’m not inviting you because I feel sorry for you, Zap and I know we haven’t known you very long but I know Sister Shaw, I was raised Catholic not Methodist but me and Vic donate to their Church when we can and not just during the holidays either, she says you’re the best volunteer she’s ever had and that you’ve gone into the city to pick up food when they were having car trouble and that you helped clean out the church basement after that flood the other day. Vic and I know you by your actions Zap, you’re the kind of person who deserves to celebrate the holidays with friends. So no more arguments, OK? You come here Christmas Eve at 7, if you’re not here by 7 o’clock I’ll find you and kick your ass.

Capeesh?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Zap said with an embarrassed smile but feeling filled with happiness.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas Zap had been busy both at work and at the soup kitchen almost everyday and working nights. He’d hang out with Vic and his brother on weekends gaming in Vic’s lounge, things were going better for Zap both inside and out, which had brought Felix to mind. He had just popped into Zap’s head one afternoon while at work, suddenly recalling their last conversation and how things seemed to change right after their brief talk. He hadn’t gone for a walk down the road in a while and wondered what Felix might be up to at the moment.

He remembered the Felix The Cat painting he’d seen on the outside of Elite Games and smiled a little, wanting to tell Felix about the happy coincidence. Zap decided when he was done with his shift he’d go over to the Rite Aid and grab a nice Hallmark Christmas card for Felix. Zap didn’t know if getting this college kid a Christmas card would come off as weird but he didn’t care, he only wanted to show his thanks in some kind of way. He drove to the Rite Aid on Packer street and found one with a mountain side town that looked like Porter which was covered in white snow and had a short message inside the card wishing the recipient happy holidays.

Zap didn’t consider himself a writer but beneath the generic X-Mas greeting text Zap wrote: ‘Thank you for your words - Happy Holidays’ then he signed it, Zap R. It was the best he could think of to write without sounding too weird. It was until the early afternoon of Christmas Eve when he had a free moment from work and volunteering to go for a walk to the drop off and bring the Christmas card with him hoping he’d bump into Felix as he passed his yard, if he didn’t see Felix on his walk he decided he’d just drive up to the front of the house on his way to Vic’s and put the card in his mailbox.

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It was cold but not deathly so, there was a slight wind but the sky was clear and the sun was bright in the ice cold sky. Zap sucked in the icy air and exhaled a pure white vapor cloud which made him smile and shiver. He came to the house on his left and stood at the fence for a moment before continuing on to enjoy the view for a few minutes.

A moment later Zap heard footsteps and turned to see his neighbor Tom heading down the road towards him. He waved as he got closer.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Zap. Thanks for the card. You found mine in your mailbox?”

“I did, thank you. Getting your steps in?”

“Yeah, my daughter is baking a whole ham and I plan on eating most of it, and my grand baby, you know the one in the Navy, is calling in from overseas, she’s in Europe on the USS Mount Whitney.”

“I hope she gets home safe.”

“Thanks so do I. You delivering someone a card?” Tom asked, noticing the card in Zap’s hand.

“Oh, yeah. I was waiting to see if I bump into the guy that lives in that house there.”

“What house?”

“That one.” Zap said pointing to the one behind them.

“Oh. Nobody lives there Zap.”

“Nobody lives there?”

“No, it’s an office for a realty company, uh, Tillman Realty I think it’s called. There’s an agent. a gorgeous young lady with blond hair and long legs that works there during the week but it’s closed on the weekends I think.”

Zap for a moment felt lost and a little annoyed though he didn’t understand why.

25 ARE YOU OKAY?

“There’s somebody else that works there though right? Landscapers and whoever. You’ve seen the young guy right?”

“I know they got guys to do yard work in the Summer but I never met them.” Tom said gazing at the view.

Zap felt uneasy and slightly confused. He tried to think for a moment.

“So it’s not a house?” Zap asked with a furrowed brow.

“Well it was a long time ago, there was a family who lived in the house. I forget their names, it was an older couple they had two or three kids. They lived there until their son fell off the cliff there during a thunderstorm. They moved out the following year if I’m not mistaken.”

Zap was cold on the inside, his mouth felt dry, his tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth. He wanted to ask a question but his lips were numb and frozen. As if on cue though Tom continued on.

“A tragedy, I forgot the son’s name too but I remember he had long hair, it was orangy red like that comedian Carrot Top, the one with the props and stuff. My oldest had classes with him in high school, he came over to our place a few times, I didn’t know him real well but I remember he was always very polite to me and the Mrs whenever he came by.”

Tom’s story was interrupted by his phone. He dug it out of his coat pocket, his eyes lit up as they looked on the screen.

“Oh, it’s my grand baby! I gotta take this call, Zap I’ll see ya later!”

Tom was so excited he didn’t notice Zap’s face going pale as he hurried away. Zap felt his body breakout in goosebumps as he looked upon what he thought had been a house. He stared at it s curtained windows, looking at them, daring not to blink. His stomach felt heavy like he’d eaten something fat and greasy, he had the urge to vomit.

He wanted to think Tom was maybe pulling a prank, that he’d seen Zap and Felix speaking and made up a ghost story. But the idea felt too ridiculous and made no sense. Zap rolled his hands into loose fists, his fingers felt like icicles against his sweaty palms. He turned away from the house and quickly walked back to his house and sat down in front of his computer.

26 ARE YOU OKAY?

He had a subscription to the Porter Sun Gazette and went to their online archive. In the advanced search section he typed in the address of the house after checking Google maps then typed in accidental death and hit enter. The top article that popped up was dated June 29, 1988 with the caption above the article stating ‘local college student falls to death during freak thunderstorm.’ Zap sat in front of his computer shivering but not from the cold he’d just come in from.

He gulped and felt a click in his throat that made him grimace, Zap started looking around his dark living room with trepidation before looking back at the article with genuine fear. He was afraid to read the short article, thinking of horror movies when the lead character finally makes the connection at the end of the movie before the ghost comes out from behind the protagonist for one last scare.

When Zap finished reading the article though that feeling was gone. One of his best friends from high school was quoted as saying ‘Felix wasn’t just my best friend, he was like my brother. When my mom was sick with cancer he would be the first one to volunteer to take my mom to the hospital in Philly for her chemo treatments when dad’s car broke down and he wouldn’t take any gas money no matter what.’ An English teacher from Porter High School said: ‘He wasn’t your typical student, he didn’t appear typical anyway, he called almost everyone dude. He listened to that heavy metal crap and read horror books and comics but he also read books by John Steinbeck and Ernest Hemingway and that was on his own mind you, they were not assignments, he wasn’t afraid to raise his hand in class or engage with other students. He was an eager student, the kind of student that makes you glad you’re a teacher.’ More quotes from students called Felix: helpful, honest, kind, loyal.

The last quote came from someone who asked to remain anonymous. ‘I knew Felix only for a little while at college and I was in a bad place at the time, my girlfriend left me, my dad was in jail and mom was in rehab. There were times I’d thought about giving up if you understand my meaning. I never said it aloud but I think Felix knew because he was always calling me or coming around my dorm room at the times I felt my worst and he never failed to make me feel better or offer to help. The world needs more dudes like Felix.’

Zap felt his stomach loosen though his heart was still beating fast. He scrolled down the page and saw Felix’s obituary above which was his high school graduation photo. His long red hair tied back with a mortarboard hat on his head and that smile Felix recognized immediately. Zap looked at the picture, waiting to lose his mind from this unbelievable Twilight Zone/ X-Files situation that had happened but he didn’t lose his mind.

So there were ghosts, one which had decided to intervene in his life. Zap realized he might not have been about to take a leap that day but that day might have come if Felix had never shown up to scare him from doing it. But the word scare felt wrong to Zap, because he wasn’t trying to scare Zap, he was trying to stop him. He wanted to know why but the question didn’t feel urgent to him, mostly because he believed he’d never know why.

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He sat at the computer twiddling his thumbs as he thought back to his first meeting Felix and how the rain didn’t bother him at all. Felix warned him about the miniature gully because he was positive that was what caused Felix to fall down the ravine. A lone tear slipped down his cheek, Zap wiped it away but smiled.

“Thank you, Felix.” he said to himself.

Zap was nervous about going to a Christmas party filled with mostly people he didn’t know. He knocked on the apartment door wishing Vic had a cat as he heard laughter and talking. Marie welcomed him in and introduced him to everyone, a few of the people there he’d met volunteering at the soup kitchen. He got to meet some of Vic’s extended family when they went to the gaming lounge for an impromptu Golden Eye tournament who taught him some Spanish swear words whenever he won a match, he also discovered that there were different versions of Spanish such as Mexican Spanish, Puerto Rican Spanish, American Spanish.

The party had been the most fun he’d had since he was a kid. He had gone to bed that night smiling and fell into a peaceful sleep. He dreamed of the kitchen, not of his childhood but his current one with its customary collection of books, mate-less socks, broken game controllers and plastic shopping bags. He stood in his living room which connected to the kitchen. However he was holding the silver tray with the glass pitcher filled with sun tea and ice and it was heavy.

‘Shit,’ Zap said, making his way to the kitchen table.

‘Hold on man, I’ll help.’ said Vic who was suddenly right beside him.

He took one end of the tray and it became as light as a feather.

‘Thanks Vic.’ said Zap.

‘No problem, man. I got you.’

‘I’ll move the stuff off the table.’ said Marie who quickly cleared the items away.

‘Thanks for your help guys.’ said Zap as they set the tray down.

‘Awesome, I’m thirsty.’ said Nicholas coming through the front door wearing his football practice uniform.

28 ARE YOU OKAY?

‘Come on in, it’s cold.’ said Zap.

‘Hey why don’t you see if your friend wants a glass?’ said Marie.

Zap turned to look through his living room window and saw Felix passing by on the road smiling and waving to Zap. He had his denim jacket hooked over his shoulder with his other hand, Felix wore a faded black T-shirt which showed Felix The Cat smiling and holding out his hands. Zap called out to him but he just waved and kept on walking, Zap understood why.

Spring had come, begrudgingly it seemed. Most of March had been a mix of snowy 20 degree nights and rainy 40 degree days, the shovels and buckets of ice melt were still in garages and sheds on standby. Despite the weather Zap was walking about town on his day off and enjoying life as he trash talked Vic and his other friends in their group chat while window shopping.

‘rematch Saturday night, sucker, Super Smash Bros, unless you is a bitch’ Vic texted him following it up with a laughing emoji.

‘I’ll make sure to bring a bottle to collect them bitch tears you and your brother will be squirting when I kick your asses again, lulz.’

He hadn’t dreamed of the glass pitcher again or of Felix either but that was okay. Zap didn’t try to make sense of it all because he didn’t think he’d be able to. He didn’t tell anyone about his multiple encounters with Felix nobody knew, nobody would ever know. Just like nobody would probably ever know he briefly considered taking his own life.

He was enjoying life and making sure to appreciate his place in the grand scheme of things when he did volunteer work. Zap was window shopping on Packer street passing Pasquale’s Pizzeria when he saw the Rite Aid next door was shutting down and having a large clearance sale on all inventory.

“Another one bites the dust.” Zap said going into the Rite Aid.

He didn’t need to go there for any specific reason, just curious to see if he might not find something useful for his house at a big discount. There weren’t many people shopping and most of the hotter items were long gone but Zap looked around anyway. He reached the toy aisle and stopped at the end cap with a shelf that had dozens of wooden letter blocks, someone had spelled something out with a few of the blocks.

“Ass bag?” Zap said, taking one of the blocks away.

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“Hey you’re ruining my joke.”

Standing just a few feet behind Zap was a woman wearing a hoodie and cargo pants with long chestnut hair which had been highlighted with green and red. Her arms were crossed but the smile on her face was mischievous and was as bright as her brown eyes.

“Ass bag isn’t funny,” Zap said, changing out some letters. “that’s funny.”

“Ass clown?” the woman asked with a laugh and a head shake.

“Don’t knock my family business madam, ass clowning is part of my heritage.”

The woman let out a laugh that made Zap’s heart race.

“OK, here’s a better one.” said the woman with a finger raised and a small smile.

After gathering a few extra letters, she stepped aside.

“Assological Physicist? I have a cousin in that field, my turn.”

“Cockstrong,” the woman said in a guffaw of laughter. “is that one word or two?”

“I dunno, I saw it written on a bus stop bench walking over here. I like your hair colors by the way.”

“Thanks. I know it looks like I’m celebrating Christmas early or late I guess but the red and green represents Mario and Luigi.”

“That’s cool. I’m more of a PlayStation guy, Mario Kart, Smash Bros, those games are good but I’d pick a PlayStation over a Nintendo anytime.”

“PlayStation can go suck a...”

30 ARE YOU OKAY?

She revealed the words donkey penis and they laughed. They spent another few minutes talking and making up new swear words until a mousy looking old woman in a blue Rite Aid smock came over.

“Excuse me, will you NOT use those children's toys to write out swears, P-uh-lease!?” she asked with pursed lips.

Zap was tongue tied from laughing but his accomplice spoke up for them both.

“Well my word,” the woman said in a faux waspy accent sticking her nose in the air with great comic affect. “come along Harold, we’re going to the CVS where the better class of people shop.”

“Okay, Olive.” said Zap who instinctively hooked his arm and much to his delighted surprise she took his arm without missing a beat.

When they stepped outside they unlinked arms and began laughing.

“So who’s Harold?” asked Zap after wiping tears of laughter away.

“That was my grandfather’s name. Who’s Olive?” the woman asked, chuckling and fanning herself.

“My cat when I was in junior high.”

They laughed once more and the sun came out for the first time that day.

“Well my real name is Zap.”

She looked up at him and he had a moment of worry he’d creeped her out. Was he being too forward, he asked himself.

“Hi I’m Marisa,” she said, shaking his hand with a smile. “gosh that sun feels good but I’m hot.”

She unzipped her hoodie and Zap felt his heart go still. Marisa was wearing a faded black T-shirt with Felix The Cat smiling and holding out his arms. It was the same one Felix had been wearing in the dream. He found an unexpected moment of courage and boldness come over him and suddenly he asked Marisa a question.

31 ARE YOU OKAY?

“So were you serious about that CVS date or can I take you someplace more romantic like Walgreens, I admit it’s not CVS classy but more high end than the people of Walmart.”

Marisa laughed again and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Zap was hoping he didn’t come off too strongly or that she was laughing at his question.

“Honestly,” Marisa said with a soft face. “I’m smoked some really good weed on my way over and have the munchies like you wouldn’t believe. You wanna go dutch on a pie at Pasquale’s?”

“Stoned are you? Well that explains the ass bag thing.”

“No, I’m always that goofy.”

“Let’s get some pie and be goofy together while I explain why Sony makes superior consoles.”

“I’ll agree to a pocket calculator being superior long as you don’t order pineapples on our pizza, Harold.”

“Okay, Olive.” said Zap who hooked his arm for Marisa who smiled brightly when she took his arm.