Yeah. So, how come you aren’t dating someone, right now?
AMIEL
Those college guys think they are smart. They skim through one philosophy textbook, and then they think it’s okay to talk down to you like you’re their kid. (pause)I couldn’t work in the oil field.
JAMIE
No, you probably couldn’t.
AMIEL
Yeah, and I am going to have so many loans to pay back – it’s ridiculous.
(Jamie’s cell phone rings. Jamie answers it.)
JAMIE
(to phone) Hey, yeah, we’re up on the roof. Oh, you got the Kat, with you? Sounds great!
AMIEL
The cat?
JAMIE
Kitty, Derek’s girl is named Kitty. I call her Kat, sometimes. It’s a play, you know, on words, and stuff.
AMIEL
Yeah, I get-
(DEREK, 25, greaser male, and KITTY, 28, modern day pinup girl, swing the door open violently to announce their presence. They carry a bottle of liquor and a half empty case of beer.)
DEREK
Yo, yo, what is up? I just got done playing with the Hillbilly Inferno’s. Kitty was guest singing…
JAMIE
(to Amiel) Kitty has a great voice. (to Kitty) Don’t you Kitty? Don’t you? (to Amiel)She does.
DEREK
She does. Like one of them birdies.
JAMIE
A canary.
DEREK
Yeah, a canary.
(Derek is overly affectionate with Kitty. He grabs her in between each line.)
KITTY
I love you honey bun! (to Amiel) So, who are you? What are you doing up here with Jamie?
JAMIE
I brought her up. She’s my girl. I mean my date.
AMIEL
I might be his girl.
JAMIE
You might?
AMIEL
Maybe, who knows? This night might become so wonderful that we decide to go steady.
KITTY
Steady? You guys are way too old fashioned. We are approaching the new millennium.
JAMIE
Amiel graduates from college in two thousand. I mean steady isn’t so bad. I kind of like it. (to Amiel) You like me, huh?
DEREK
C’mon. Who wants a beer? Kitty?
KITTY
Yes, please.
DEREK
(to Amiel) What’s your name?
AMIEL
Amiel.
DEREK
Nice to meet you. I’m Derek. You want a beer? Tommy Knockers variety pack? I got a bottle opener. (to Jamie) Come on Jamie, drink with me. You never drink with me.
JAMIE
embarrassed) I don’t drink.
KITTY
He doesn’t drink, Derek. Stop giving him shit.
DEREK
I know, I’m just giving him shit.
JAMIE
Yeah, he always gives me shit, especially for that.
AMIEL
I don’t drink.
JAMIE
You don’t?
AMIEL
No.
JAMIE
How come?
AMIEL
I don’t really like the taste and it smells bad.
JAMIE
Yeah, yeah. It makes me dizzy.
DEREK
Of course, it makes you dizzy. It’s supposed to make you dizzy.
JAMIE
(cute)I don’t like to be dizzy.
AMIEL
Yeah, dizzy is not my thing, either.
JAMIE
(pointing) Hey, you like that star right there?
AMIEL
I think that’s Jupiter.
JAMIE
Maybe they’ll name a star after you one day.
AMIEL
Oh, yeah, and why would they do that?
JAMIE
You’re kind of shiny, you know, like a star. I mean, you just kind of glimmer, like your hair and stuff, your face. You’re like this girl, this pretty girl, and you may have a man’s name, may rule the world, one day, but you are very, very beautiful and nice and sweet and you make me feel better about myself, but you kind of make me feel –
(Amiel grabs Jamie and kisses him on the mouth for a good 10 seconds.)
JAMIE (CONT’D)
Dizzy. You make me feel dizzy.
Kitty
(laughing) Looks like Jamie has a girlfriend.
Derek
C’mon Kat, let’s go inside.
Kitty
Night guys.
Jamie
Uh- uh-
DEREK
Ha! Jamie can’t talk, now!
AMIEL
Nice meeting you.
KITTY
I’m sure.
DEREK
C’mon Kitty.
(Derek and Kitty exit rooftop, slamming door behind them.)
AMIEL
So, is it true?
JAMIE
Uh?
AMIEL
Have you lost your voice?
JAMIE
How come you kissed me?
AMIEL
I always liked you in high school. You’re like the sweetest guy I know.
JAMIE
Really? It doesn’t bother you I’m not some smart college guy?
AMIEL
You are smart, silly. Just don’t get too smart, because that will bother me. Now let’s do something about that voice.
JAMIE
What’s wrong with my –
(Amiel pulls Jamie close in by his collar.)
JAMIE (CONT’D)
Oh –
(Amiel covers her mouth with Jamie’s.)
AMIEL
(pointing) Now how do we lock that door?
JAMIE
I don’t think we can.
(They both laugh.)
JAMIE (CONT’D)
How about that star? (pointing)
(Jamie and Amiel walk hand and hand over to the edge of the roof.)
(LIGHTS DOWN)
(THE END.)
Bad Hair Day
A Ten-Minute Play
CAST OF CHARACTERS
GWEN..... An emotionally scarred, intelligent, tattooed and pierced, nontraditional student, with a Mohawk (26)
JAY..... A straight-laced, intelligent, businessman and Gwen’s husband (38)
TIME: Present.
PLACE: Large Bedroom.
SETTING: The Bedroom of Gwen and Jay. A king sized bed next to a large vanity, with a chair.
(Lights Up.)
(GWEN, 26, sits in a chair that is tucked into a vanity. She speaks to herself hypnotically.)
GWEN
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud (wiping tears).
(JAY, a professional man, 38, enters the room in a suit, attempting to tie his tie.)
JAY
Honey, I told you I was sorry. Can we please make up before I have to leave for work? I have around ten minutes, fifteen tops.
GWEN
Fine, go.
JAY
It’s not healthy to start your day off like this.
GWEN
You should have been my psychologist. You kind of look like him.
JAY
Your hair looks fine, okay?
GWEN
It’s that Piscean mutable trait, always able to take on a face.
JAY
You don’t look like a boy.
GWEN
You should hear what those rugrats at school say and the looks they give me. Oh – they say it right to my face, less than an ear shot away. I was a fucking model, Jay! A print model -- But still a model. I was Prom Queen, Homecoming Princess. Then I met you –
JAY
You’re blaming this on me? I didn’t chop my bun off one day, after going on a tattoo, weird hair and piercing spree. I didn’t claim to be all knowledgeable and God-fearing, truth-seeking. I didn’t justify every action and blame it on fate. I didn’t do anything, except for stand by your side and hold you in my arms when you cried, because what, Gwen, the little kids at school are picking on you?
GWEN
Fuck you Jay! It’s not like that. It is like that, but it’s not that. This world is a playground for unruly kids. Kids my age. Kids your age. Kids in their fifties and sixties. I had an old man tell me to go ahead and show my cunt, because I was wearing that dress you bought me with the stripes, it was windy, and the dress blew up.
JAY
Oh, and that’s my fault, Gwen?
GWEN
No, it’s everybody! Everywhere I go, there’s not one good soul, not one person with the wisdom to keep their observational mouth shut. Observation, two to six year olds, walking around pointing at everything, saying what they see. These dirty old men, these young college kids, these chicks at Starbucks who smile to your face then talk shit when you sit down. I am right there, five feet away. Can I not hear? Do I not have ears? They don’t care. Girl at the bank, I had a crush on her, she always flirted with me, and then I chop my hair and shave it into a Mohawk, I wear your dress and suddenly I am evil to her.
JAY
People don’t just go around talking about you. Don’t you think you’re a little paranoid?
GWEN
People don’t talk about you, because you’re a guy and your normal, and you got that whole business/doctor/professional thing going for you.
JAY
Hon, I think this is a different problem than you think. I don’t think this has anything to do with them, or anything to do with me. Babe, what’s going on inside, huh? You look like you’re in pain -- Always look like you’re in pain.
GWEN
I don’t know. I’m just confused, I guess. I was liberating my mind, substance-free. I was on the path to enlightenment, and I got caught inside of me. Everything I ever wanted, dreaded, feared, regretted, had hopes for, was passionate about, all the hurt, all the turmoil, all the joy, it all collided and suddenly blue and red make brown, and I’m left picking up the pieces, only nothing is the way it was before, even all the memories are looked at differently, and I don’t know who I am. I look in the mirror and I see a different face. I don’t know what I see: guy, girl, anybody but me. Hair doesn’t matter, but they know, they can sense that I am not me: I am just playing pretend.
JAY
Hon, you’re you. You’re you! Look in this mirror. What do you see?
GWEN
I see an amazing wonderful man, and I see -- I see just a worn out, approaching middle aged, shell of woman I used to be.
JAY
I see the sexiest, finest, piece of twenty-something ass, who went a little too crazy philosophically, chopped off a golden haircut and said fuck it to the world. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, and be that woman you set out to be. You’re always saying a woman’s pussy is stronger than a man’s balls any day.
GWEN
Kick a man in the balls and he cries like a baby. Kick a woman there and she laughs.
JAY
So stop wimping out. You don’t care what those girls say. You don’t care about that man. Those kids at your school are just that, children, even the ones in their forties and fifties. I know you want to change the world, but first you got to get yourself intact. So, you look like a dude, so what?
GWEN
If anyone heard us talking they would laugh.
JAY
So laugh with them.
GWEN
Hair is hair. But hair matters. And watching hair grow out is a thousand times worse than watching water boil.
JAY
Stop! You’re obsessing. Why does this matter now?
GWEN
Because I am turning twenty-seven on Thursday. Because I am still in school. Because I don’t have a five year plan. All I do is worry about who I am, who I have been, and who I am becoming. Because I am a self-centered, cold-hearted bitch that goes around judging everyone for judging me. Because I want to be a mother, but I think it would be cruel to bring a child into this world. Because I love you and don’t want you to leave me.
JAY
Hon, I could never leave you.
GWEN
But you could. You could, and I would just be here, alone, cold, regretting so much, being a person who isn’t me, dwelling on inse