Sparks for the Living
It’s damp and dark in this windowless basement, another day finds me here afraid, alone, insecure; imprisoned by loneliness. I will allow myself only to work and to my sadness, slowly burning away my youth to a bare bright light-bulb…
I open the Bible randomly, using it like an oracle. It’s not my Bible. I think someone left it in a box by the curb, or I found it forgotten in a closet…either way it’s not mine. There is a lady’s name on the top right corner of the first page, written in a cursive that makes me think of a well-mannered and kind old woman at the end of her safe life. Sometimes I dream I am in the company of demons, not the horned, white-faced bug-eyed type though; mine can be oppressive but are mostly just present. I have had such a dream and ask God to show me the way and open the Bible to a random spot. I read Mark 5:1,20
5 They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes.[a] 2 When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3 This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. 4 For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5 Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.6 When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7 He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” 8 For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!”9 Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” “My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” 10 And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.11 A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12 The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” 13 He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.14 Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. 15 When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. 16 Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. 17 Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.18 As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. 19 Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” 20 So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis[b] how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.
I then look up some commentary.
It’s dusk, Jesus and crew are disembarking at dusk or early nightfall after a long day. The man comes upon them and Jesus orders the spirits out and then the rest of the story is linear. The demons destroy the property of the townsfolk thus turning them against Jesus and so beg him to go, not order but fearfully beg. The man asks to go but Jesus calls him to a higher place, to preach among those who have shunned Jesus in fear since his presence has destroyed their property.
The tormentor pleads not to be tormented, from menace to society to healer.
At the time of Jesus, and by some to this day, it was believed demons could be “ridden” and gave power to the host and could also control and destroy the host. It is very important to know that we can cast demons away if we are secure in our knowledge that Jesus vanquished all demons and is God and that he loves us and is always there for us…That is, Jesus will dispel them through us, irregardless of all our shortcomings if only we ask.
I don’t understand what God wants of me, but very much identify with the man among the tombs.
I sleep.
Time goes by marked only by my shallow breaths.
I somehow position myself as a student; I will be loaned enough money to pay for school and living expenses. I find a safe place: a nice place with nice people with good habits and a nice meal plan.
I don’t study much, but wander the stacks reading, using the end of one book to spring me onto another.
Nothing has changed. I am still imprisoned by loneliness. I begin to spend time praying. I ask God to make me crazy or make me sane, but to pick one. I begin to take notes and attend retreats. Retreat summaries are followed by Pocketbook Notes.
April 18 1996
Losing direction is a lack of discipline
Losing sight of our spiritual nature and not informing our actions with the truth of love has as a consequence the absolute despair that grips you from time to time.
Discipline in your spiritual search is talking to a mentor, a schedule, readings, prayer, etc: Gospel meditation
Prayers
Mass
Meditation with God
Speaking with a mentor
Asking yourself what your place in the world is
Mortification (fasting, exercise)
Offer up to God your hours of study. Make your studies an act of sacrifice.
It is essential that you have time away, time to have fun, to pursue a desire.
Manage your money with long-term goals in mind.
Don’t deny your feelings, they are telling you something. If you feel like shit it is for a specific reason, this is a good time to speak to an elder or guide.
Pray as yourself, as you are; not as what you want to be, others think you are, as what you were.
Always start small, build up slowly.
Humility is key, you don’t know everything, so don’t pretend you do.
Be gentle, all beginnings are brought along gently.
Meditate on and answer these questions daily: Who am I? Why am I here? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Why?
Don’t abandon the war because you lost a battle.
Visit the sacraments, especially communion. It is God who touches us every time we experience communion. Meditate on what it means for Jesus to be present in a piece of bread; the vulnerability, the trust, the self-giving. It is madness, a truly wonderful madness.
Death, imminent death creates focus, removes the clutter.
You are not a result of all your shortcomings: you are God’s child, that is how you must see yourself.
Bring yourself to God as you are; it is pointless to try to pretend or hide.
Meditate on the gospels, especially Mark. Try to imitate Christ, he is our brother and guide.
When starting you may lose sight of the big picture, one brick, another brick, it may seem tedious and helpless, take some time away and meditate on the big picture.
“ You are the disciple of the one who died on the cross”. Think about that.
On waking up say hi to God.
Laugh at yourself, at life, laugh. You must learn to not take yourself so seriously.
Think of the needs of others, think what they need and what you can do to help, even if it’s just a laugh, a kind word or some space, think of others, of what they need.
Accept your shortcomings. Make a list of your daily shortcomings to discover your weaknesses. Make a determination to strengthen these weaknesses. Identify one shortcoming and work on it for 3 weeks.
Meditate on the life of Jesus. Recreate in your mind a gospel scene and think about everything in the scene and ask yourself questions about it. Where does love fit into this scene.
May 22 1997
Unite your will to God through obedience and charity.
God is glorified when we do his will in all we do.
Christ is the perfection of unity to the will of God. He is our example and guide.
Ask for it.
Remain steadfast in adversity, constant in prayer.
Everything is from God: good, evil, riches, poverty, humiliation, success; you must drink the cup “the chalice my father has given me, shall I not drink it?
In everything, praise the will of God; all circumstances arise out of God.
See everything you see for what it is: the will of God.
Make it a habit to receive all as if it were from God. “All things work together unto Good”. Accept misfortune and adversity as an opportunity to love God.
Your whole life directed to asking God to help you see and fulfill God’s will, “Here I am God, do with me and what I have as you wish”.
Accept the fluctuations of the environment as from God. Abstain from qualifying the environment, it is as it should be, no more nor less. Accept it and behave as you should when receiving gifts; be thankful.
Hypothetical situations are best answered with a statement of intention of conformity to God’s will.
Natural defects should not be lamented. Strive to be of more use to God in some other thing if you are by nature barred from the other.
Do not allow infirmities (ills) to wrench a curse from your heart. Allow the sickness to go its course; procure your body and its balance; as God wills not as you will.
Loss of those dear to us can lead to spiritual desolation. We should strive to see the loss of a soul, human death, as the will of God. When all turns to darkness, hold fast to God. It is the test, the tempering. Hold fast to God during difficulties and practice resignation.
We should desire only God’s will. (How do we find out God’s will?).
We should desire the will of God-Saints.
Whatever happens is God’s will, so why then by mortified? Why feel anything? Why not utter abandonment to God’s will?
June 19 1997
I got carried away by my pride. Quit work on account of pride and have spiralled out of God on account of pride. I started seeing the improvements as my own and became proud and cocky and felt apart from others, not so much better as different. Turned to being happy about myself, to admiring myself and this has caused great misery.
Oct 17 1997
Vanity and lack of perseverance have left me empty, in the cold, shivering in the absence of God. What thread should I pick up know? It seems all must be done all over-these are empty words reflecting my pessimism and despair. My imagination rampant, my body low. Every little bit counts. Go for the little things. Pray.
You cannot love God by thinking of loving God, it must be manifested (or so it seems to me). “How can I love you Lord?” -By loving others for my sake, by doing for them all you can possibly do to make their day joyful. Is that it? Joy in others? Reflection too? I judge others...is it that it is not for me to judge but to love? -Give yourself. Either I don’t know what that means or I don’t want to know.-Appreciate what you have, thank God for those around you.
Why do you hold your heart out as if it were of no worth? Giving it to whoever would pass by and take it. Do not put your heart in the hands of others, that’s not what it is for.
Put your heart in God’s hands.
Be thankful for what you have been given. Who are you to demand of others that they be better?
Be thankful and seek God.
Jesus invites us to be with him in the Trinity. We must respond with a yes.
We must look at the most basic and simple chores and duties as a service to God, as a way of loving God through a job well done.
Eat slowly.
Schedule a selfless act of charity daily.
Gap between your ideal and your reality should be used as an opportunity to grow in humility. And one must use this vision of the gap to take strength in the struggle.
Be detached, all is vain, only our relationship with God endures forever.
Dec 05 1998
Spiritual life must be a positive. NOT an avoidance of sin, YES a loving of God.
Whenever I am afraid I whistle a tune, in fooling others I fool myself that I’m OK.
Intellect OVER emotion.
Accept yourself. Be humble. Strive lovingly to become better.
Channel sexual energy towards your work.
Always walk with a feeling of deep gratitude surrounding you.
It’s a daily struggle, conquer the day.
Temptations are like the sound of the wind, always there. Don’t pay too much attention to them.
If you are sad, pray. If you are happy, sing.
Do not give in to fear, God does not wish you to fear. God is not a God of fear. Fear is an illusion.
God is everywhere. Do not judge others. God is with them also.
Apr 2002
Sometimes you have to fight God to get to know him.
The desire to be approved is not good, you should know what your are about, you should know the goodness of your actions.
By today’s standards Jesus is a failure.
A life of exploration and discovery, not of resting on laurels.
Mature=Been down enough roads to know I don’t want to take some.
Be humble, and when there is nothing to be humble about, be simple.