feelings stem forth from emotions like failure, fear, rejection, and
similar others.
Confront this situation by surrounding yourself with persistent
positive thoughts and look for sources to weed out negative
feelings. This sure makes you a happier and a much more positive
being.
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24. Increasing Your Self-Worth
to Get Greater Happiness
High self-esteem helps to enhance mental health, life success and
happiness. A person who loves himself, his work and his home
usually feels happy. A man should have self-respect. There are two
kinds of self-esteem one is conditional and other one is
unconditional. Conditional self-esteem means that person’s self-
esteem exists on certain factors like property, wealth, intelligence,
etc. and vice versa.
A person should respect himself if he does not, then he will live with
an inferiority complex throughout his/her life. He should respect and
love himself and others without any conditions. If a person adores
himself without a condition then he would be happy to know
anything about himself. This love provides him power to overcome
fears to face the various challenges in life. In case he does not, he
will always criticize himself sometimes for no reasons. This results in his severe depression.
Self esteem is a very important part of happiness.
The level of self-esteem brings confidence. Positive and negative
thinking, pains and pleasure teach us good as well as bad things to
us. We must learn to save ourselves from negative elements. This is
nothing but love for self. Conditional self-love is confidence and
unconditional one is self-esteem. Responsibilities bring control, if a
person is responsible for his own emotions he has control over his
emotions and in turn he will be happy. You must care about your
own needs and wants. It includes your work, your skin, your body
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parts, your home, your accessories, etc. It increases your self-
esteem and self-worth. Your main concern should be your own
happiness. This does not mean to be selfish. Giving brings
happiness, too. But, if you give too much and you are not taking
care of yourself, you can put yourself in danger.
Life is give and take in moderation.
Every person has both positive and negative aspects of his life,
body, behavior, etc. You should also be aware of your negative
elements so, that you can improve them gradually and transform
them into your strengths.
Therefore, plan your time and possessions for taking care of your
self and your interests to enhance happiness in your life.
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25. How to Develop a Positive Self-Image
Self-image is an image of ourselves we have set in our illusion. It
is a deposit of sensatory sketches, viewpoint, and opinion regarding
ourselves. Perfect self-image is an aspiration of what you want to
look like. Self–image is of two kinds – one is ideal self-image and
the other one is perceived self-image. Perceived self-image is the
real image of us.
Guilt generates from the space between the two types of self-
images. Guilt of our images lowers our self-esteem. To overcome
guilt we should reduce the gap between Perfect self-image and
perceived image. We can either do this to change our perfect image
or improve our perceived image. One more way to save ourselves is
to create a false image as our perfect image. Accepting or liking
ourselves is the first step towards developing the self-esteem. We
accept ourselves means accepting other’s opinion towards us.
During learning try to know the duties of your hated portion of your
appearance and you will get to know how important it really is.
Adopt measures to keep your body and mind healthy like exercise,
yoga, and get adequate sleep. Increase your confidence through
enlarging your self-belief instead of saying this particular quality
does not suit you, your age, personality, etc. This kind of flexibility helps us to go at any area of life. This kind of attitude helps us to
face any kind of challenge. Negative thinking develops anxiety and
nervousness that stops us from proceeding in any direction. Beware
of negative emotions such as guilt, depression, and anger. They are
the main obstacles in the path of success that lowers our motivation
and confidence.
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Another way to develop self-esteem is to ignore negative reactions
toward us.
Practice positive thinking about yourself; use the right words to
describe yourself. Rigidity in this attitude can hurt us with the
changes in society, whereas flexibility molds the person according to
the external environment.
So, develop a good self-image and be happy.
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26. Learn to Accept Self and Others
In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory, self-actualization is the
ultimate goal one wants to achieve. A self-actualized person has no
problem in accepting himself and others complete with their positive
and negative traits. No human being is perfect and has certain
shortcomings. People have difficulty in recognizing their
imperfections. Therefore, the first step in solving the problem is to
accept the fact that one has certain shortcomings.
Maslow introduced the concept of the higher self in a self-actualized
person. This higher self is our prime motivation and drives us
towards success and in the search for the unattainable.
Several times parents or friends use derogatory terms to address
children when they are unable to perform basic tasks or do badly at
school. Children are very sensitive and they perceive these labels
negatively as a failure of their intelligence or personality. These
children grow into adults with an inferiority complex, carrying a
burden of their childhood. In fact, the higher self changes in to one’s parents and becomes a part of our lives. We end up trying to meet
the expectations of these internalized parents, throughout our lives.
The key to accept one's self and others is by recognizing one’s true
higher self. One has to learn to acknowledge and love oneself, along
with one’s negative traits, instead of wishing them away and living
in self-denial. One must have a positive outlook in life and
remember that we are responsible for ourselves and cannot blame
others for our actions or defects. One can achieve self-acceptance
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by gaining control over one’s life, forgetting the past, planning for a bright future and forgiving others for their actions and harsh words.
The self-acceptance process begins with first being truthful to
oneself. Next, one has to assess one’s strengths and weaknesses
and try to overcome them by focusing on the positives. A detailed
self-analysis can help one understand the basic reason for falling
short of one’s expectations. Then one must tap one’s higher self to
resolve the needs and expectations gap.
This powerful motivator can greatly accelerate the self-acceptance
process. In this way, one can take a stepwise approach to accepting
oneself and others along with their defects, by having a positive
outlook towards life.
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27. How to Be More Self-Confident
To be more self-confident, it is important to understand the
meaning of self-confidence. Self-confidence is nothing but the
chance that a person can do something. Self-confidence stems from
a person’s belief in himself and his abilities.
Self-confidence develops self-esteem and helps people achieve their
goals. Negative thoughts reduce a person’s self-confidence and he
may not achieve his goals despite the fact that he has the necessary
skills and resources for the same. It is necessary to have self-
confidence to progress in life. However, one must remember that
self-confidence varies with the circumstances and the job on hand.
A person can develop his self-confidence by setting goals for his life.
Every goal achieved boosts his self–confidence. Similarly, every
failure is an opportunity to learn from mistakes and to do better in
the future.
One can develop self-confidence only if one believes in oneself. Self-
belief gives an individual the power to accomplish his goals. For a
person lacking in self-confidence there are several ways to increase
self-confidence. The first step is to have a positive self-image. This
makes a person strong against the comments and negative criticism
from others and he can take on the world. Next, one must analyze
our social skills, cognitive skills and self-management skills as they
hold the key to our success at work, and in our relationships with
others. This analysis tells us where we stand and points out areas
for improvement.
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We can develop certain skills and learn from others to achieve
success and joy in life. Nobody is born equipped with skills;
therefore, one can acquire new skills by learning from others and by
improving their knowledge of those skills.
Another way to develop self-confidence is by setting realistic goals
and then striving to achieve them. Achievement of these goals
increases self-confidence. A positive frame of mind and positive
reinforcement help one to neutralize negative thoughts and develop
self-confidence. A practical approach for raising self-confidence is to practice visual achievement of one’s goals. This helps one to focus
on the task and think of ways to accomplish the goal. The task is
broken into manageable bits and one can plan steps to achieve
them.
Therefore, one must have self-confidence since it holds the key to
success in their personal and professional life. When you doubt
your own abilities, take time to reflect on the things you have
learned in life. You’ll be amazed at everything you have learned.
So, have confidence that you can continue learning everyday. Keep
yourself occupied with learning something new everyday. A busy
mind makes for a happy mind.
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28. Using External vs. Internal
Expectations to Evaluate Yourself
Several factors like control and independence govern an
individual’s personality, relationships, and determine how successful
he is in life. There are people who are very dependent on others’
approval for their actions. This dependence leads to low self-
esteem, depression and failure in relationships, in an attempt to
meet others’ expectations. These people give more importance to
others than to their own power of reasoning. If one feels burdened
by the need to do good for others, or has to take their permission
before doing any task then these are clear signs that one is in the
web of external expectations. One has to learn to break this habit
and put themselves before others, without being selfish.
Many times people start depending on others to fulfill their
emotional or financial needs by acting weak and helpless. Others
think they are indispensable and that the home or workplace cannot
run in their absence.
Such people are forever doing things for others and putting
themselves under severe stress in the process. This happens when
one has low self-confidence and belief in one’s capabilities. The
solution to this problem lies in taking control of the situation and
thinking about oneself without harming the interest of others. An
individual’s higher self has the ability to know what is best for the
person and hence, one must listen to one’s inner voice in any
situation. This means that it is all right to seek advice and approval
from others, but the individual himself must be the decision maker.
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The key to internal control lies in first accepting oneself with one’s
weaknesses. The next step is to believe in oneself and one’s
capacity to make sound decisions based on one’s experience and
judgment.
By taking control of one’s life one minimizes the need for others in
one’s life. This is not to say that one must be a lone ranger, but that one must be independent in thought and action. This helps one to
take control over one’s life and to lead a happy and fulfilled life,
without carrying the burden of other’s expectations. Hence, the
responsibility of tapping into one’s internal control lies with the
individual himself.
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29. Sources of Dependency and External Control
Among individuals, some are every independent and others who
are very dependent on others for their basic needs, as well as their
personal and financial needs. In the normal scheme of things, a
person can fend for himself when left to his resources. However,
parents are extremely protective of their children and are on hand
to fulfill their every need.
This dependence becomes conditional when children grow up. They
can lead independent lives but stay with their parents since they
cannot afford the same standard of living as provided by their
parents. This situation continues until an individual believes that
he/she can be independent. An independent individual is more
responsible and competent and is internally strong.
Since man is a social animal, the sources of dependency are limited
to family, peer group and reference groups. Society imposes many
beliefs and values in individuals. Instead of accepting them at face
value, one must analyze everything and then accept it.
People have strong rooted value systems that they inherit from their
parents. These values constantly reprimand them throughout life.
One must break free of these beliefs by accepting those that are
rational and discarding those that are irrelevant; without feeling
guilty for doing so. The conflict emerges when our value systems
clash with what we actually want to do. An individual who depends
on others will feel pressurized and kill his feelings to please others.
On the other hand, a person with strong internal control will please
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himself first and then think of others. In fact, the key to happiness
lies in deciding one’s interest without harming others.
Surprisingly compliments can be sources of external control.
Individuals receive conditional compliments in the promise of
undertaking certain tasks. A smart internally controlled person can
recognize this manipulation and give no commitment to do the job,
while an externally dependent person will go to any extent to fulfill
his duties. Therefore, an individual must recognize the sources of
dependency and take the steps to overcome them.
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30. Sources of Internal Control
Society conditions us to give preference to others over self. This
leads to self-deprivation and sacrifice of one’s needs and desires for
the sake of others. A person who puts self before others is not
selfish as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. An individual who is happy
and satisfied can make others happy. This is unlike an externally
controlled person who is frustrated and burdened by the need to
meet others’ expectations. Since internal control emanates from
within oneself, one has to become more aware of one’s needs,
ambitions and desires. Recognizing these signals and paying
attention to them is the first step to achieving more internal control.
Another way to develop internal control is to look within and to be
more conscious of one’s feelings. Again, an individual can face a
conflict between satisfying self and ignoring the needs of others.
The resolution lies in listening to one’s higher self. This inner voice knows what is best for the individual and can help resolve such
moral issues. An individual with a strong inner self will never
compromise his own interest, neither will he offend others. This is a
delicate balance, but one can develop one’s judgment with
experience of several issues.
However, a person has control only over his actions and emotions.
He can regulate these activities to satisfy his needs and attain
happiness in the process. To develop internal control one must
continuously seek external approval and sanction. An individual
exercises no power over other people’s thoughts and actions. If it is
available it is good, else it is beyond one’s range of command.
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One can strengthen internal control by positive reinforcement and
motivation. Having knowledge about things is also helpful in raising
internal control. A good way to minimize external control is to have
a hobby that keeps one busy and focused. Those who have no
interests are more concerned about what others say and
continuously seek their opinions. Hence, one must look inward and
seek inspiration from one’s higher self to strengthen one’s internal
control.
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31. How to Be Internally Directed
and Effective with Others
One can focus better on developing internal control if one analyzes
the reasons for dependence on external control factors. This
analysis gives an insight into one’s weaknesses and directions to
overcoming those weaknesses. People depend on others in an
attempt to avoid responsibility or shift blame. They may seek
approval or act in a helpless manner so that others make the
decisions. Individuals who are not assertive are internally weak and
this leads them to seek external control. Internal weakness stems
from a low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. A negative
outlook towards life acts as a negative reinforcement, and one
develops an inferiority complex. Such individuals feel it is selfish to be happy without making others happy. They have a massive fear
of loneliness and rejection. Sometimes, they may put on a facade to
hide some negative aspect of their personalities.
The first step to break this negative cycle is to accept oneself and to be truthful to oneself. One must learn to put self before others in a
way that both parties are happy. One has to face facts and take
responsibility for oneself and one’s actions. This helps one to be
independent and gives immense mental strength to live on one’s
terms. If a person still lacks confidence, he has to motivate himself
about the rewards of internal control and the restrictions of external
control. A person controlled by external factors is a weakling and
loses all self-respect and independence.
A better way to strengthen one’s internal control system is to do
some introspection to get in touch with one’s inner self. One must
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remember that social acceptance stems from self-acceptance.
Hence, one must love oneself before loving others. One must break
away from abnormal relationships and start fresh. It can be painful
at first, but one develops a healthy and positive attitude to life
without the burdens of a dead relationship. One must trust oneself
without entrusting one’s future in the hands of others. Ultimately, it
is important to remember that the key to internal focus and control
lies in a total break from external controlling factors.
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32. How to Control Other People
One can develop a strong internal control system by listening to
one’s higher self. However, there are times when there is a conflict
of interest between one’s internal control and the external control
system. The problem's resolution lies in doing what is best for self
without hurting others.
This is a tough decision and one can turn to one’s higher self to help
in these circumstances. The higher self plays an important role in an
internally controlled person. However, one can control others in a
number of ways without being rude. The first step is to acknowledge
that one is submissive and automatically does things to please
others. These feelings create stress and the person is torn between
self-interest and satisfying others’ expectations. One must then
assert oneself and gently refuse to oblige the external forces
without feeling guilty.
One can control other people by taking steps to increase one’s
internal control. This is possible by associating with positive people
with healthy lifestyles. One must think independently by keeping
away from the external source of control for a while. There is great
strength in the power of imagination. One must visualize oneself to
be assertive in different situations. This gives the person courage to
face the world and to make independent decisions. One must seek a
balance between external and internal sources of control so that all
parties involved are satisfied and happy.
One must be more observant and not fall for subtle manipulation by
external forces from our reference group. One must resolve
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differences of opinion by lis