Nigrim Puer et Dark et Eius Mammouth - The Black [~] Dark Boy and His Mammoth by The Roman Memoir - HTML preview

Chapter 48 - Safety and freedom

If you ask me what comes first, safety or freedom, I would say one does not exist without the other. Safety is the Alpha, and freedom is the Omega. They exist in nature cohesively without being in conflict with one another. When somebody goes after safety, they sacrifice freedom and vice versa. I believe it is vital to seek whatever makes the person happy without sacrificing the other. A princess is someone who has a left and a right. In the political world, they are not allowed to take sides in parliament, whenever the government would have a governing party. In most countries, the governing body of the state has a parliament that has a liberal and a conservative side. The princess is not allowed to take a side since she is the head of the state.

Mostly, the words spoken are the most important. When the sentences are written on paper and presented, the head of state has to make a decision to bring down judgment to end the debate in favor of the party that has made the significant point for the document put in hand. She is decisive because the government demands it. In whole, the princess must have a hope to become a queen. That ability comes from making righteous judgments. I prefer a princess who would rather step down from her role. I like a princess who would descends to the level of a citizen and earns a life she wants, void of responsibility.

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Parliamentarians are of strict nature. They look at the day’s work and although they might disagree on subject matter, their niche is tight and they do not turn on each other. The parliament has duties to its citizens. They are representatives of the different cities in the Kingdom. They help govern the nation and together with the King, they are responsible for taking care of the nation. There is a regular of conversations known as the speaker in parliament that doesn’t have affiliation with anyone but the constitution. The reports are handled with good care, and every day, motions take place on the subject that is presented by the ruling party of the parliament. The princess of the Kingdom is above the speaker in rank. She must make a decision for the nation, but also speak on behalf of the country which is why she needs to be educated well from a young age about procedure. If the safety of the princess is not guaranteed, there likely won’t be any succession in the Kingdom. If freedom is not provided for the princess, she won’t learn subjects that interest the country. The two must exist together as one, in the princess who must be a champion for the monarchy. She is my beloved, the one that grows fairly, against all odds without betraying the other. She is my ally, who embodies the concepts of safety and freedom in her mind without the rise of conflict.

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Chapter 49 - My hatred for democracy

At a ripe age of 29, I am now entitled to so many privileges. I can purchase any kind of alcohol I want, go to a tobacco shop and buy whatever item I want. I can vote for whoever I want. I can drive wherever I want. I can live wherever I want. I can't, however, go to any club and pick up any woman I want. I can’t however go to any bar and drink my fill most likely because I will get cut off. There are limits put in place by society to stop me from doing everything I want. Humans get in the way of things much like they can be enablers too. I have stopped going to nightclubs and I have stopped going to bars for this specific reason. In one hand you can get the item you want from the stores as much as you want, in another, you can not have the items you want in the name of the people who are around that will feel uncomfortable because of the way you are acting intoxicated, or your incapacity to get yourself home from the event or show. Social norms are everywhere. If you speak ill of the barrister in a coffee shop in the morning, because you do not like the way he or she looks, you will get kicked out and likely won’t be able to get in the shop again. Freedom is only freedom when it does not interfere with the plans of other individuals. There is a point where if you are so free your freedom gets in the way of other people, law enforcement will take your freedom away and let the other individuals freedom over yours. It’s like playing a musical instrument in a shopping mall because you want to earn a few 181

bucks busking. When the sound gets too loud, if the shoppers feel uncomfortable, all of a sudden what you are doing is called “trespassing on

private property”. If you are playing good music and the sound is delightful to the overall population, and your dream may be to become a signed musician who goes on tours all across the world, yet If you get no interest from humans who are passing by, shopping or hanging out at the mall, another reality and dream goes down the drain. When the future you want depends on other individuals, when the freedom you want is in other people’s pockets, I think the democratic nature of the system or government loses its taste.

I can’t afford to dance anymore like I used to when I was little. I loved the artwork of musicians.

They made good house music. I used to listen to DJ’s play all night long and along with my friends, I had a great time expressing myself. The forms however are not useful anymore. My bones have hardened over time. My body has already taken shape. The side to side shuffle and disappearing in the background because there is a lack of energy, has become my childhood endeavor. I am no longer the youth I used to be. Up to a certain point, there should be a detachment from being the best I could be. After a certain point, there should be an end to all ventures because just as much as there is a start to something, there should be an end. I have grown to know my limits. There is a story I am comfortable sharing.

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to be the best man he could be. He was the manliest man, the strongest and the smartest species ever to be found. He had conquered all the world in the name of his species, so he was great. One day, he decided to test his abilities and went to the grasslands to find an opponent. He wanted to show off, he wanted to be the coolest 182

he could be, he wanted more than he himself could. When he looked towards the horizon, he saw a hare, standing on the far grasslands, eating grass, minding its own business. The Hare looked happy, and it was having the time of its life by the greenest grasses. The man saw the hare's happiness and wanted to interfere. He wanted to chase down the Hare, capture it and hurt it badly to prove it was the manliest man of them all. He ran full speed at the Hare, and wherever it went, he hunted it down to the point he almost had it by the tail. Soon enough, he realized the Hare was not able to be captured by hand since it was faster, so he made weapons. He started withe sticks and stones, javelins and throwing machines.

Soon enough, it evolved to guns and the Hare was getting hunted to extinction.

One day, the Hare was by itself when it realized the numbers of its species was dwindling because of the man, and his point to prove he can be the manliest man in the whole land. Day after day, the Hare went into the darkness, and it would go out by night instead of the day. It found the deepest valleys it could find and inhabited it. There it was hunted too.

Soon the Hare went off into a vast distant island, where the land is separated from the rest of the world, in a small one where there were rifts too hard to cross. The man kept advancing on the Hare, soon to meet its own match, rifts that were too big to climb. He had dug himself in a hole where only a few could climb up the shores. The man soon turned on himself. Trying to hunt the Hare into extinction, he himself started to hurt his own. He strung them up for their weakness.

He hung them from posts because they were not willing to sail the Stony edge of the oceans.

Ships began to decrease in numbers, and the men could barely survive the tides. Trying to be the manliest man, he himself became the biggest threat to his species. He named the adventure the 183

Gallows, because once you entered in, even the way back will be closed off, like an oval dug deep in the ground,

where you try to run up one side, and you are too short to climb up to the surface. With his guns, he cried himself to sleep until he could cry no more. The well-like structure was too deep, the shores were too narrow and hard to cross, and finally, trying to be the manliest man, he couldn't escape the deepest gallow he dug himself. That was when his eyes slowly closed, the light of the day was no more, and with the guns in his hand, in the deep Gallows, he fell asleep for the last time.

Chapter 50 - The function of a parliamentarian

A parliament is a political governing body. It operates well under a Kingdom the most. The leading person is called a Prime Minister and usually, there are two parties governing the system or the Kingdom. Most of the time, there are the conservatives and there are the liberal parties.

They often, more than not, occupy the majority numbers in a system. To get things done, you must be a person who cares about the environment and the people. I rebel at the thoughts of a democracy since it peaks somewhere around pleasure and dims when it gets to the darkness. I like to conspire and say whatever I want to meet a deadline, or sometimes complete an objective.

At one moment, there I had a deep desire to live in a University because I wanted to be the first 184

person in my family to do so. When I looked to my friends for help, they wanted other things like marriages to fine women, and being elected to a position of power. They already had a college degree. I wanted to stay in the University and live there. I wanted to make my home there. Some helped, some died. Some moved on, some got exactly what they wanted and are alive

hanging out with me to this day. The bitter rivalry of school mates you would think is trying to get the best grades or trying to get the number one spot across the school but it lies in staying there. I never wanted to graduate. I wanted to stay there and make the most of it since you can have anything you want in school. Their food is cheap, there is a nice gym right around the corner, the tuition is paid for by the taxpayers, and most of all, the housing is cheap.

I like good tasting foods the most. There are large selections at Universities. You can have your fill of donuts in the morning, and in the afternoon, you eat as many burgers as you want. I see students running around the school trying to make ends meet, with every willingness to meet the demands of the school. I am the same way, but my objective is not the same. I never want to leave. Leaving school is boring. I think that is why they call it a University, because you can study the universe there. There is not a subject matter that you do not have access to. There is not a subject you do not have a right to study. I like the freedom of options school provides.

One day, I am studying philosophy, the other day I am studying politics. The next morning I am reading history, and in the afternoon I am picking up an English book to read Spy Novels.

Feminine hygiene is still a mystery to me. I have never used the women's bathroom in my life. I 185

have never even gotten in a woman’s bathroom by accident. I have never lived with a woman. I have never been married before nor have I had any children yet. There are a lot of things I do not understand about female hygiene. I hate women who wear heels. I hate women who go to the beach. I hate women who wear

bikinis. I hate women who wear jewelry. I still do not understand the point of makeup and most of all, I hate sober women. There is no point in ever going to a beach. When you actually sit down and think, the only people who go to beaches are sober people. The blazing heat of the sun beating your skin unconsciously, the inability to bring any kind of alcoholic beverages into the area, the regulations that are there make it impossible to have a good time. No one who goes to the beach goes there to drink, and if they say so, they are liars. You can’t do anything at the beach than things that are democratic. You can’t even sleep on a beach, there are rules.

I like being a Parliamentarian because all the formats are about running. I like universities because you can run as much as you want with topics for political reasons. I like women who can run because they do not worry about matters that are trivial for me to understand. When you simplify life down to the edges, all you need is a top and bottom pair to live a good life. Even managing the hair is not vital. I do not like women who wear anything that does not allow them to run. If you have to put up a lot of money to make a life for yourself that prevents you from reaching top speed while in regular outfits, then the culture itself is the problem. There is no reality there. Man has evolved for thousands of years, and all else in reality is foot binding evolved into a nightmare. I love Roman sandals. When I am sitting down, writing papers for my classes, I skip everyone in my view who is a woman and not wearing Roman sandals. We will likely not get along. My love for Rome determines my life in a way.

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The function of a parliamentarian is to regurgitate the needs and wants of the monarchy to the citizens. In universities, there are the options of reading about cultures that have laws in governing their subjects, and deepening the person's understanding of how things are operated in the environment of the country. Although I mentioned all the things I hate about what women wear and do, my objective reality comes for function. My function as a parliamentarian is to input useful data in the system that increases the function of the monarchy.

All the objective realities I mention are useless to accomplish any goal but make the person look appealing. There is limited function there. In order to make the monarchy the best it can be, the women need to be warriors who are capable of covering large distances, capable of governing huge states. When you boil the government down to its simplest, all of them should be able to run, swim and speak well. Anything else is useless, and the government itself will fail in the long run.

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Chapter 51 - Going places where few go

In this world, there are hardships all of us must face. We are all destined for greatness and it awaits us everyday. When faced with difficult circumstances, it matters why you handle it the most. The pressure I feel when I operate machinery in my daily life comes from the concluding momentum that generates from the initial push. In order for there to be an ending, there first must be a start. My other friends who are parliamentarians, do the same thing I do. They look at the date for the day, they look at the constitution, they observe the citizens, and either demand change from the citizens through public speaking, they fund the knights to enforce the law, or they ask what are the thoughts of the King, towards the decision they are about to make. As law makers, we have a hard time understanding the thoughts of the Monarchy. Kings stand higher in social status in the normal world. I can’t speak for them but they would likely tell you about what they believe in. In order to rule, a person must be able to handle the daily routines well.

Kings offer themselves as a sacrifice to their ideals. They often love their subjects and they want to help them live a life that is exactly like their own.

Ideally, the faith of the King brings to life the constitution. The constitution in return must offer the citizens a way to live in normal capacity where the head of the state sits on his throne for the good of the people. Reason is the weapon of the parliamentarian. When we sit in close knit spaces and work away, we often argue about the Idea of the King and where justice would lie. I dream of being a King someday. My plan all encapsulates the ambition of a King. I look at the books, I look at the presented law, I look at the outlook of the prime minister towards the decisions made for the day, but most

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of all, I look at myself sitting right on the throne, governing the nation the way I want to govern it. My measly pay is under shadowed by the King who owns the whole country and bears fawns who will inherit all that I want. They look tasty sometimes. Their lack of education is the fulfillment of my ambition. I like princes who do not aspire to take over the throne. I like Kings who do not have a structure planned for the monarchy. More often than not, I want a Kingdom to be governed by a queen. It was only a few moments ago I realized most citizens do not want a Monarchy governed by a Queen. It’s because they do not want a head of state that is not the powerhouse in bed. When they think of their ruler, she is on her bed being trampled like a hedge by her husband who is leader of the country. The one they appointed, not having her way and being thrown around for the pleasure of the male does not appeal to most citizens. I would like to think there is a system put in place where parliamentarians write laws for the bed chambers of the queen. Who is to say she is not getting hurt? Who is to determine the right pleasure for the queen? Who is to say, “this is the right way for the queen to enjoy any kind of sexual pleasures”

without the parliamentarians? Without parliament, it’s like doomsday to have a queen as the major leader of the country. I think there should be a rule book, written to subject her husband on how to handle her in bed and I myself am willing to write it.

Otherwise, other nations will think the monarchy weak. When addressing the nation, if the queen was hurt as a result of her bed chamber routines, the weakness of the law makers will show. Her husband must know his place in the monarchy, and that must show the most on her bed. Who is to control the pace of the journey? Who is to manage the system and affairs of the government if the queen is too busy being the instrument of pleasure for her husband, while the rest of the monarchy suffers the consequences?

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Sufferance, exiting shame, bastardized desires,morbid feelings, all follow the kingdom when there is no male as the head of state of the nation. It’s not the queen itself that is the problem, it’s the citizens and how they react to their Kingdom being ruled by a female head of state. She does not lack the judgment of the male, she does not lack the aptitude nor the skill required to lead the military. The leadership position mostly has to do with sexual activity. When it’s a male, the country is invasive. When it is invasive, it occupies new territory, in return expands the laws along with the inheritance of the normal soldier who fights for the glory of the kingdom. In my defense, it makes a lot of difference what the students are learning. In schools, where the indoctrination of the kingdom’s subjects are administered, the culture is drilled in the kingdom.

To go places where few will go, decisions sometimes have to be made that are different from most other monarchies, like putting a queen as the head of state of the nation. A queen is not elected, a queen is born. In order for the nation to be different and go places where others have not gone, the parliamentarian must help.

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Chapter 52 - The strength of the darkness

The natural enemy of darkness is light. Since we are talking about existence, we must address the nature of darkness itself. The only thing that can extinguish darkness is light. Light removes darkness from its place. At one moment, there is darkness and in another, there is none. Light is a huge threat to darkness. If the condition of light does not exist, then darkness would win. I look in the environment, and I can say there is no such a thing as man made light. All the materials that are put together come from the ground.

They are natural resources which man has harvested from deep inside the earth and created items to fit the mold of light. Darkness is strong. It often takes over large domains when there is no light to extinguish it.

In the darkness, a lot of deeds can be done hence speaking well of the strength of the darkness.

Most crimes are committed in the darkness due to the desire of the individuals to want to escape 191

from the crime they commit without being captured. I do not like to use double speak when I talk. In the English language, it is possible to say something and mean another but unlike other languages, the word is there and clear for it. In the world of a parliamentarian, what prevails is the words of the King. The words of the King are the guide to the small leader. We as parliamentarians are small leaders. The King or Queen are the big leaders. The big ones and the small ones together like to rule side by side, in the spirit of the kingdom for a good cause. If it is a bad one, they would have a lot of enemies. At this moment, I do not have enemies in spite of my mood and

character. My upbringing makes me human. My delight in wisdom helps me conspire with other parliamentarians to make laws that fit the system well, but what kind of laws can you make for the darkness? Although you can make laws in the darkness, you can’t make laws for the darkness itself. There is no kingdom there that can be governed by man. The darkness can’t be captured in a cup or a bigger cup. There is no all size fits all. I think a lot of ideas that are demented come from it. I feel like my strength grown the most when no one can see me doing anything. My ability to hurt or cause injury to someone or something rapidly increases in the dark where no one can see me. My belief is alerted in itself, where I feel deep in my being, I can do irreparable damage to someone, and no one will find me again nor be able to catch me.

My belief in quick succession that I can get what I want without using any kind of intelligence is fueled by hate. The moment boils down to my strength and what I can do with my muscles. The heat ignites my soul, and in a quick flash, my bad morals take over. In the dark, if someone said no, you can make them say yes by using insurmountable strength. In the light, where what you do is seen by everyone, it is hard to be yourself where the use of strength is not acceptable.

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Legitimately, you can enforce your ideas on others through debates and arguments. The tools of persuasion are available to most who are able to use them, and when you do, you can help the King make a better world for the newborns and make available a better path for the offsprings of the citizens that will come in the future. Consequently, I believe to make a better future, the King or queen must work well with the parliamentarians where they use what is available to their disposal. I prefer to talk in secret with anyone. Secrets are watered down darkness.

Whenever they are written and put in words, they can be captured, stolen or shared with another party that is not of the original conspirator.

Chapter 53 - I do not like money, I like libraries There is a comfort in numbers. Whenever I am doing work in the library, the emotions of the humans in the building do not appeal to me. What I want is the quality of the books around the sitting chamber. I want to be sitting around books where writers have published quality 193

information, and stories I can look at and be proud to be next to. I want their company. I want to be among objects that I can pull information from to my utmost. The subject of money in consequence interests me but not the object itself.

Money has one function, it purchases. The money itself is made by artists. The object is a creation, an art that was cut from wood, pulled together into strings, then paper. The conservative party provides the art, the liberal party produces the labor and items. When you put them together, the art work is called money and has purchasing power. I like agriculture more than farming. There are a lot of ways to dodge money to the point it becomes useless. I love the land, the soil where you can plant wheat crops, boil it down, distill it and make good beverages. I like the idea of owning a garden and planting seeds in the ground, and in season, eating the food of the soil, served fresh in the house. You can plant many kinds of fruits and vegetables in the soil.

You do not need money to make a good broccoli and stew dish. I like books because they eliminate the need for money.

All that I want does not lie in money, it lies in books and the soil. I do not want to inherit money.

I want to inherit my own land, where I can grow any crops that I like, and in season eat the food of my own labor. Sitting in a library room, I think of the wisdom that gets passed on by the writers, where good information is stored up, and the delightful writers are ones you want to share your time with. You find good songs in the company of books. All songs are written. In order to pass them to others, they were written in literature books, kept in memoirs and diaries, mostly in libraries. You find the wealth they left behind there. In the silence of the chamber, there is an easy flow of ideas, there is comfort in knowing anyone of them that published the book in search of audiences or in pursuit of a better life, found a path that was easier for them, 194

yet their intuition to capitalize on the tiny idea, eventually made them wealthy, rich, and mostly famous. All of them started out with one word. That one word turned into paragraphs and then chapters. Eventually, they become a book. The book finds its own company.

Money buys you anything you want but there is a limit. In some ways, merchants can say they will not sell you the product because they do not like your philosophy. Some merchants will only accept the right price for the right item, and there is no room for bartering. In order to earn money, there must be a portal for earning the sum. I like to work a lot, but I am one of the people who is hindered by the cause itself. If my morals do not line up with the employer, I do not want to help earn them money, no matter how much money they offer. You would think there is a right number for everyone who has money but the right number is always the one someone who is willing to offer them as an

inheritance. The right kind of money is an inheritance since it is free money. Inheritance is ideally correct because from the beginning, it belonged to you.

Chapter 54 - The true story of the human race

You have heard of the lies now it’s time for the true tale of what happened between Jacob and his brother Esau in the book of genesis. It was just a few weeks ago, when I went to visit my biological father in his house. He looked well, and he looked strong. I was on a quick vacation.

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The house was quiet. I had started to shop for my own food before that. My room was filled with delightful goodies, such as tea, milk, sugar , and toast bread. I realized the story of Esau and Jacob was fake because upon looking at my fathers eyes, the food I picked up from the kitchen on the plate was not something that put a smile on his face. In the house apparently, the one that went outside to “hunt” the food or buy it with his own money, was favored above the one that was sitting in, and consuming the food of his father, who went out, labored and got the food. You were told it was Jacob that pleased his father but who the father was pleased by, and inherited the property was Esau, since Jacob himself had nothing to get in the first place.

Sitting there in my biological fathers house, if my thoughts, if my delight was to get his food and property, and I spent my time insisting I would inherit,I would have missed out on the hunt, and in respect, the knowledge that the best your father can give you, if the ability to hunt the food in the first place. I think there is an error in the story. The inheritance from Issac is the ability to hunt, and it was Esau that was favored by his

parents, and it was Esau who inherited the property. I tested it myself. Nothing about an inheritance pleases any father apparently. It is all fake. The story is probably put there to teach others it’s ok to not do anything, or in another sense, to fool individuals who do not want to work for anything. Getting advice from your mother that hurts the integrity of the relationship with your brother is ok since you might win a favorable cut. Seeing myself as Jocob and Esau, there is no story to move forward to in the like of Jacob. I cannot be conniving and steal my own job from myself to inherit a property that I can make myself through hard boiling work. As a parliamentarian, I see myself working towards a goal, for the good of my Kingdom, to earn a life for myself, which In return, I can create a treasure that can be found by my own offspring. The 196

pure heat, that is made by the muscles, which in return cracks the soil of the land, is the real treasure and inheritance of Jacob. There is nothing like molding the soil, working the land, earning a living through the sweat of your brows. I believe if there was a god to intervene there, he would have given Esau his fill since he labored for it. There are no lessons there. When you really think about it, verbal agreements do not pass the litmus test of the court house. The judge will rule in favor of the law, where on the other side, there is no evidence to put forward that the verbal agreement was ever made in the first place. I would argue, my position stems from my hard work, where day in and out, I sharpened my tools, and took a cut from my earnings. If I was to sit there and be the instrument that consumes without any output or production of heat, I would have been eviscerated in an imaginary world where verbal agreements are a real thing.

Chapter 55 - The fall of military men

I have read good stories about how soldiers fall for a woman they love. I have also encountered the only way a soldier can fall, through any woman that gives him pleasure. You would make the point, “pleasure is good, it keeps you alive”, but the moment a soldier enters into a house of a prostitute and she takes valuable information from him, she can sell it, and in a way have his 197

country destroyed. Spy women exist all over the world, and the biggest threat to parliamentarians are soldiers who fall in love with women and abandon their duties. For the sake of “love”, they leave their service, marry and produce children. They give up everything for a woman. They destroy an entire carrier for a pleasure they could get from a trip to walmart. I have never seen more incompetent than soldiers who open their mouths to accept pleasure from women. Out of their mouth during their short lived moment, come out sovereign secrets. Out of the mouth of the generals, spews vile orders for the soldiers they command to return to the pleasure they get from the women.

When single, information that is vital to the government leaks from the soldier, which in turn is a threat to the system. I like the soldier who keeps information about the government hidden in his heart, the one who fights for glory. I like them who stand guard with all their might, against all odds, with honor and zeal, conquer and take over new territories and if not, fall like thunder for their Kingdom, on the battle ground. The fall of any soldier doesn’t lie in bleeding out on the shallow grounds of a battlefield. The fall of soldiers is not when their time ends, and they are carted off to be placed in a tomb. The

fall of soldiers is when they give into pleasure, after they seek it from the woman and give out personal information. When married, the family structure of civilian life, the core of the citizen, fades. My personal conviction is this, I will not father a child outside of wedlock, and in my life time, I do not plan to have sexual relations with any woman outside of marriage. Up to this point, all has worked out fine. I have yet to make a family and until a woman proposes to me, or I end up wanting to start a relationship that ends up in marriage, I will stay in service to my Kingdom.

My greatest wish is to die in battle, when I am weary and old. I do not deep inside want to live 198

until I am old with gray hair, and have a medical staff take care of me until I wither and die on my bed. I prefer a solid ground, an environment filled with gun smoke, the stench of bodies in the air, blood running down to the rivers, and my soul departing this world into the next, where I had never betrayed my own integrity. I want to stand my ground and face death bitterly. That is what it means to a parliamentarian.

Chapter 56 - The most glorious pain

I woke up this morning just like I did every other morning with a little bit of ache in my lats from having the headphones dig in deep because I forgot to take them off the night before talking on the phone all night. The night was longer, and the weather seems to have gotten warmer. I had a bit of reluctant doubt that lingered in my mind about whether the weather might change much. Looking outside the window, I saw light streaming in through the window and the sound of the coffee machine kicking in just as good as it did make me keep my eyes open further. After a few entertainment sessions on the Tv along with a good breakfast, it was off to the garden to do what I always did, exploring new ways to satisfy my inner desire for debauchery. While watering and cultivating the garden my thoughts dwelling deep on whether or not I should accept the book deal on the table laid out, I found a rather odd character on one of my plants which I leaned over to investigate. It had learned a lot, slanted and damaged by the force of a heavy object that was near it. I had inspected it in the past, but the stem was rather 199

weak and not clearly visible. This morning the moment I laid my fingers on it, I tasted bitterness in my mouth that came in with a sharp prick from the thorns on the plant. The plant had kept growing sideways even though the weight of the heavy object was crushing it and dismantling its roots. The leaves looked very promising, and the colors were not as vivid anymore, but they had changed rapidly over the past week. The stem had turned green and the thorns on it had turned blood red. I couldn't tell whether the plant should be like it does or whether it was the possibility of it adapting to the damage that was done to it by the external object. Either way, the pain from the prick on my finger was the most glorious sensation I have ever felt in my life. I gasped for air yet there was so much of it in the air and my blood stream. I was unable to speak due to the pleasure that came about as a result of the likely toxins in the tip of the plant. I was bleeding a bit but deep inside I wanted to bleed some more only to taste the bitter pleasure of the sweet suffering that has been granted to me by my labor spent watering and cultivating the plant. To expand further would get me into religious concepts I would rather not, however, I guess you can say I truly understand the definition of the words “crown of thorns”. When looking at the world of animals and plants, we classify them as kingdoms. I find it very amusing that this concept has not been fully understood but by very few botanists who have attachments to the church. It was the most demented feeling or the most marvelous, yet I couldn’t tell. I had to put a lot of distance between the prickle pain pleasure and this text I am writing now because to feel pleasure while the body is being damaged is a huge red flag and the most marvelous torture. You know it is wrong, your body is being injured, yet with the damages comes too much pleasure and you beg your consciousness to override the signal just to feel the sensation just once more. I have felt this feeling before maybe once when I was around 3 or 4 in elementary school. I do believe 200

that that specific government is called Zion because they are the memories of my infanthood, way before I gained consciousness and touch with the reality most people Identify with.

Chapter 57 - What I want so badly

I am sitting here thinking to myself how awesome it would be to just sit and have fun with princes from all over the world. I think I have a good shot at having decent conversations with them while eating good food and drinking fine wine. I want to make friends with princes from all over the world. I want to hang out with them and see really cool stuff that is a mix of the spirit world and the material world. I want to see glory and majesty, but the only problem seems to be my lack of money. I can't begin to describe how much I hate that I do not have any kind of financial assets right now. Man, I wish I had a lot of money right now, but it seems to be just that, a wish. I saw a guy at the hospital once who was in a wheelchair. He apparently had a lot of money after winning a lottery a while back but his health is deteriorating so bad he can't even walk any more. His feet were so swollen, and his back was terrible. I can't imagine having a curse like that. Sitting here financially poor, but with all the health in the world, I can't help but imagine what myself would be like in his shoes where he has a lot of money but can't even go up 201

the stairs of his mansion. I bet there are a lot of people in the world right now who can't even go outside their home without security because of threats that loom about yet they have so much wealth. I have all the health in the world, no threats almost from anywhere from my lack of fame and can pretty much enjoy walks and stuff yet the problem still lies in the fact that I can't go anywhere because the most I can travel on foot is like 2 miles right now. With all my freedom, I can't go far. With all their money, they can't enjoy their freedom. Kind of messed up how the whole gig is set up.

It's been a while now since I stopped drinking and smoking, yet I can't say I miss it because I stopped because I can't afford it anymore. I wish I could be with friends, but I can't even afford friends. There isn't anyone that has abandoned me so far. Alone and bored, I sit and write this upset a little. I wish I could be in Ireland right now with a smoke shop next door to my flat. A cute girlfriend that texts me, while studying in school wearing suits and doing research most of the day, only to take a break at the smoke shop and hit a couple of spliffs while reading a story book with the boys. The afternoon will commence with bars along with the English friends I would have discussing concepts of the world, politics and philosophy until the night comes. At night, walking back home a few blocks, meeting up with the lady of the house, kissing her, sitting on the couch and possibly watching movies after a long day of having a blast. Maybe with a little bit of passing out cuddling on the couch watching Narnia high and tipsy.

There may be options where I could earn money, but they are quite lucky in all forms of statues and simplicity. I am dead if I end up venturing on my own to a job right now, to start paying my bills if I get fired the first week or the first 3 months of my employment. I would end up broke and there doesn't seem to be any kind of security for this kind of progress. The only 202

thing I could say I am gambling on right now is my education. I have applied to my local Universities and if I get accepted, I could get financial support from the schools that will allow me to stay and do research at the schools for a long time because this time I have no plans of leaving. I would work my way up to a PHD and just apply for a professor position in the political science department and start teaching immediately. I never want to leave the University scene ever again in my life. It's a mistake. At the moment, I think I have fucked up my life pretty much badly by life seven percent. I can't afford to fuck up anymore. God I wish I had a pint right now, something cold in my hand with a bit of pizza to wash down.

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