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No one knows of my safe zone
It"s a place where I go
To be on my own
Under the stairs I sit with my light Shining on down
To make the dark bright
It is my haven
I feel safe in here
To forget all my troubles
And release me from fear.
77
Runaway Kids
I remember running away from my mum"s house with my mate, who lived next door, we saved our pocket money, which I got off my dad and both went to the Isle of Man, his mum and dad were good parents, he just came with me because I didn"t want to go on my own.
We got up at 7.00am, I made jam butties the night before and put them in a Sunblest bag to keep them fresh for the next day. My friend brought some as well and crisps. We were both excited about going on the Isle of Man ferry, we bunked on the ferry watching the Liver birds building getting smaller and smaller, till it 78
vanished, we were in the middle of the Irish Sea. It was like a scene out of Titanic, it took about 4 hours to get there, and I vomited because I get sea sick, but we had lots of fun running up and down the ferry, watching the sea.
We had to hide at times because we didn"t have a ticket to be on the Isle of Man ferry. It was a lovely time out, away from all the troubles I had in my home town of Liverpool.
It will be a day that will say in my mind forever and ever. Out on the sea was really exciting, you can"t buy that feeling and I wouldn"t sell it, not for anything. There are just some thoughts and memory"s that you can"t let go and memory"s are with you for life.
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We finally got to the Isle of Man Douglas, we had a great time, we spent our money on fish and chips, I"m ashamed to admit but I stole 3
cans of coke and a handful of mixed sweets because at the end of the day we had run out of money.
We walked for miles and came near to woods, we began to enter, and it was lovely scenery.
80
We spoke about what we were going to do and sat chatting and plotting what we could do next.
The night was drawing in and the sun that was shining through the trees was getting lesser and lesser, we got scared but decided to find what we thought was a safe spot and just sat there and talked and talked. I was freezing but happy, my mate told me some jokes and I told him some, it was a great adventure.
Me and my mate spoke about my mum and dad arguing all the time. I told him everything, that"s what mates do. I told him about my mum"s boyfriend and how he treated me; my mate was shocked he said “He"s not your dad, who is he to tell you what to do,” I said “Maybe one day he might leave,” but he didn"t. I told him about me and my sister having a gun pointed at us and how scared we both were. I didn"t tell him I was crying but said it wasn"t a nice thing to happen.
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He said we must have been very brave, how wrong he was, but I never told him. I told him I thought we were going to get shot, I mean if anyone points a gun at you, they either want to shoot you or scare you. I don"t know what would have happened if my mum didn"t put the key in the front door. My mate couldn"t believe it, I told him I told my mum but she just didn"t believe us, she took the boyfriend"s side.
My mate put his arm around me and said “Well Kev you"re away from that now,” I said “I know and I"m glad” my mate then said “If he ever does anything to you again he would tell his dad” I said “My dad knows and he has sorted it.” My dad is a lot older I told my mate than my mum"s boyfriend, he was furious when he found out what happened and bided his time but then threatened him when he saw him.
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We had a boss night that night, I was free even if it was just for one night, no arguing, shouting, or getting told off and I felt better offloading to my mate, he was on my side and knew it was wrong what had happened.
We realised that we hadn"t planned our journey very well but prayed for morning to come. It was cold and getting even darker and I suddenly remembered that I found a cigarette lighter earlier in the day and we collected some wood and made a fire, which lit up our faces, and made us feel a bit warmer.
Morning came, there was mist on the ground, and it was now cold as the fire had gone out so we started to walk again. We just walked and walked, we didn"t have a plan. We walked towards the seafront, the waves were crashing against the rocks, and it was breathtaking. We walked along the seafront, and sat down for a 83
while watching the sea, It was lovely, the sounds of the waves and the air was fresh. It was like being in another country on holiday, something I had never experienced. We were both starving but we didn"t have any money, nothing at all and it was then that we both decided that we would try and find a police station or police officer because we had nothing left.
We got to the police station and explained everything; a police officer escorted us to the ferry terminal where we got the next ferry to take us to Liverpool.
As we were approaching the Pier Head in Liverpool, the Liver Birds were getting closer, we could see a police car and 2 police officers and they escorted us off the ferry and took us home.
84
My mate had a worried look on his face, I wasn"t that bothered as I enjoyed that night, I needed it, it was kind of therapy for me. The police officer warned me never to run away again, telling me that I was too young and if I wanted to go somewhere I should go with my mum and dad, if only the police officer knew.
The police officer left our house, and my mum never reacted, it was just like a normal day to her, but when the police officer was there she acted concerned.
I could hear my mate"s mum shouting, telling him off for what he had done. I walked into the kitchen and my mum just looked at me and said
“Why didn"t you stay,” she wasn"t upset, I knew that she looked concerned when the police officers were there but knew it was for effect to let them think that she cared. The next day I saw my mate but only for five minutes as my mate"s 85
mum was upset with me for allowing her son to go with me. I"m sorry; I should not have done it.
He told me that he got battered and he was now grounded.
Anything could have happened to me, I mean I could have been beaten up, kidnapped or in an accident or something, my mum just didn"t care.
I don"t know to this day whether or not my friend told his mum or dad about what I had told him about my mum"s boyfriend, but I think that if he did she would have done something about it, to help us. Maybe it was awkward for her or she didn"t want to impose and get involved.
86
The Leaving of Liverpool
The months went by and me and my sisters waited for Sundays to come every week so we could spend time at my dad"s, this was the only time we felt loved and at ease. I used to cry when I had to go back home to the witch my so called mother. My dad knew how we all felt but he told us to stay strong and consoled us. We would calm down and the time went really quick and would have to return home.
I got up one day and my mum was nice to me and my sister, we were getting ready for school and my mum was acting strange, she made sure we were clean, neatly dressed, pre washed our 87
uniform and told us to have a nice day, and it was strange! We both thought about this and were talking about it on our way to school, we thought maybe she had changed and we felt a little happier going to school, but in my lessons as the day went on I couldn"t concentrate and couldn"t wait for the bell to go off to get home.
We finished school, and walked home. As we approached our house we noticed a car outside, the front door opened, there was a man and a woman and a police officer in our front living room and the first thing my mum said to them was “I can"t cope with them,” my mum was pointing at me and sister, my younger sister Maureen must have been upstairs or still out at school. The boyfriend stood right next to my mum with his arm around her shoulder, consoling her, he had a slight grin on his face, I wanted to lash out, but knew that I couldn"t he 88
was too big, like a giant, since the day he come into my mum"s life our world has been upside down.
The police officer spoke to us and said we were going on a long drive to a lovely big house, but then said the “Care” word, we were both in total shock, and we didn"t know what to do.
The two other people were from Social Services and me and my sister kicked and screamed till they put us in the car, I was swearing, crying and banging on the car windows to get out but I couldn"t I was too weak with the shock I wanted my dad, he didn"t know nothing about this. The Social Workers told us we were going to a place called “Harris Children"s Home,” in Preston, and they would look after us, I didn"t stop crying all the way to Preston. Tears were rolling down both me and my sisters faces. My world had fallen apart, I was panicking, sweating; I 89
could feel my heart beat racing in my ears! It was all too much to take in “What the fuck was going through my mother"s mind?” I cried and cried, then stopped crying to catch my breath, then started again, the journey to Preston seemed to take forever. I would pause from crying, wipe the steam from the car window and look at the lights and trees and the scenery around me. I wasn"t upset because of my mum; I just wanted to go home to my dad. I thought I would never see him again, and that made me worse. I started kicking the front seats, swearing
“Let me out,” kicking harder and harder, “You fucking bastards let me out!”
The car was swaying from side to side; the Social Workers in the front were very calm saying “Stop that Kevin, your getting yourself in a state, just stop.” I just stared at the both of them and realised I was getting nowhere. I sat 90
back in my seat, it felt like it was in slow motion; I wiped my eyes and didn"t say a word for the rest of the journey. I began to calm down, but there were all thoughts still in my head. I just looked at my sister while sitting in the back of the car and smiled at her, a sad smile. She just looked back and did the same, wiping the tears from her eyes and from her cheeks. We both sat there biting our nails, this was to occupy our minds.
I was terrified – I was thinking about a lot of things. I had a horrible day in school today and was thinking why my mum had been nice to me this morning, now I know why. I will never ever forgive her for this.
Thoughts running through my head, I was bullied all through school because of my scar, as I got older I started to get more conscious of the scar and would get skitted really badly, I 91
was like a freak show, once one person saw it in the school, everyone wanted to see it. They would skit me saying “Have you seen his scar it"s horrible”, I would have to show them it so they would not bully me.
There was no such thing as anti-bullying back in them days. The kids would call me “Hole in the head.” It made me an outcast. I felt so sad so I let my hair grow long, but then I would get called “Sissy” with long hair, I couldn"t win. It doesn"t bother me now you learn to live with it.
I started to think about this, trying to find out ways in which I could survive going to a place where I don"t know anyone apart from my sister. Things were about to change, I decided
“I"m not going to get bullied, where I am going, I"m from Liverpool, I have had a crap upbringing so I"m not going to take no shit off anyone from the children"s home. I wouldn"t 92
hurt anyone; it"s not in my nature. Besides I was bullied and it was not a nice feeling but I will not be walked all over and will stand up for myself and stay strong
93
The Harris Orphanage
On the first day it was very daunting we didn"t know a soul and me and my sister were terrified living on the edge of our nerves. I couldn"t deal with it, it was all too much and didn"t know what to do but to try and run away. I just began running and running as fast as I could out of the front door of Ash lea House in the Harris Orphanage.
When
we
heard
the
word
Orphanage this was for children without mums and dads but we had them already.
I felt that I couldn"t cope, me and my sister were really worried and felt very nervous we just wanted our dad and our sisters, why couldn"t we 94
live with our dad, life seemed so unfair. We were miles away from home, I missed being in Liverpool.
We didn"t know what to think. I kept running, the grounds were huge acres and acres of land I passed several trees, and ran through bushes and hedges, I didn"t know where I was going but I didn"t want to go back there, that is all I was thinking about. I came towards a big wall, the biggest wall I have ever seen in my life, it must have been about 7ft tall and it was right around the Orphanage. I was only small, I was crying with fear.
I heard someone running after me and shouting for me to come back, the voice got louder and louder so I knew he was getting nearer and nearer, I had no option and don"t know how I did it to this day but I scaled the wall and managed to get over it, however the man 95
running after me also scaled the wall and by this time my feet began to slow down as did my legs, I was exhausted by this time and my legs gave in. The man running after me caught up to me and jumped on me in a way not to hurt me but to stop me in my tracks, to which he was successful. I couldn"t believe that he had caught me. I was furious, screaming and shouting, crying uncontrollably, I was shouting “Let me go, let me go.” The man was mighty tall and broad with it, as he lay down next to me holding my arms, I didn"t stand a chance. He didn"t say anything at this point; he just let me spit it all out to get it out of my system. In time I calmed down and the man picked me up and took tight hold of my arm to make sure I didn"t run off again. We walked back to the Orphanage the long way around and on the way the man spoke with me in a calm manner, explaining that he 96
was a police officer and that he lived there with his wife and children and they were there to help me.
Unbelievably I was happy I was away from my mum and the so called lodger, but still upset.
We were put in the same house, the people who looked after us were nice to us, the man was a police officer, and he was very tall, well spoken and well dressed. His wife was so lovely, she was so kind, she had a good heart, you could tell, she had that look about her very friendly; she would do anything to help you. The man and woman had 2 children a boy and a girl, the both children were okay with us, and they were younger than us.
The house was like a mansion. It was situated in grounds of an orphanage and there were about 8
houses, a church, a stable with a donkey, a school and there was also a sweet shop for 97
children in the orphanage and a clothes shop was we would get free clothes.
If we were good we got a voucher for sweets every week as a reward.
We did see plenty of other children there they were all in the same situation as us and I didn"t really have any problems with them. I made friends with some as did my sister.
We had a set time to be in for at night to which we had to stick to or we would lose our rewards.
We had set bed times which we had to stick to also; we just hung around in the grounds of the home.
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Living far away
Scary place to be
I wanted my sister and dad
To hold and see
Years in care
Why were we there
I was only a child
We were good not wild
Staying in care
A long long stay
I longed for Liverpool
Every single day
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A photo of me in Cuthbert Mayne
School
In Preston
This is the only school photo
I have.
None from when I was a little boy.
100
Cuthbert Mayne was the name of the school; it was about 30 minutes walk. I remember on the way there and back, there was a stream and we had to walk up 19 steps by the stream to get to our school. It was a posh area with lots of trees, streams and nice scenery, far from what we had come from. But I still missed Huyton where I grow up.
As time passed it got a bit easier living there, but still me and my sister wanted to be back in Liverpool with my dad.
When I was feeling very low I would close my eyes and try and remember things, my dad, his smell, I missed him so much, my sisters and the general sounds of home, the sounds of the drunks coming home after last orders at the pub at the end of our road, the traffic on the main road zooming past, the wind whistling. I even prayed to God that things would improve and 101
we would soon be home. All different thoughts entered my head, you have doubt with everything, I felt totally neglected and that Liverpool would fade to a distant memory, I wanted to run away but I was scared of what would happen if we got caught, but that was our only way out we just needed the right time, maybe on our way to school. We just had to wait for the right time to run for it.
102
The Escape Route
When me and my sister were on our own we would talk about what we could do. We planned to run away, we felt abandoned, we hadn"t heard from any one of our family at that time and it was a terrible feeling. We just yearned to be near our family again and to live back in Liverpool.
We planned our escape from The Harris Children"s Home. It was like the great escape film. We hid crisps, sweets, chocolate to eat on 103
our long journey back to Liverpool. We planned to do this on our way to school, that was the only time we were alone. We were getting desperate and thought we had planned for long enough now and we said we would try it the next day. I went to bed and was worried and anxious but also excited at the same time.
The morning came, I didn"t sleep all night, was trying to act normal when I went downstairs for breakfast. I got ready for school and met my sister in the hallway to walk to school. We began our usual route to school. As we got to the stream I and my sister made a run for it. We didn"t know where we were heading but we just carried on going faster and faster as far as our legs could take it. We slowed down as we were running out of breath and got to Preston Town centre, we had done about 4 miles. Our hearts pounding and pulses racing, we looked around 104
to see if we could see any police officers or someone from the home was following us but nobody was there. It must have been about 10.00am in the morning, and a lollipop lady asked us why we were not in school? We made an excuse said we were off, not realising that we had our school uniforms on. We couldn"t get our breath; we were huffing and puffing but panicking at the same time.
Me and my sister tried to explain further but it was clear to both my sister and me and the lollipop lady that we were telling lies, we couldn"t convince her. We both burst into tears, we told the lady we were running away from children"s home.
The lollipop lady had a motherly look about her, you could see the concern in her eyes and we must have looked really desperate. She comforted us and took us into a nearby shop; 105
she asked to us try and calm down and she bought us a drink and some sweets. She talked with us for a while and said it would be best to go back because it was a long way to walk to Liverpool, and things will work out for the best one day.
The lady telephoned her husband to arrange for him to pick us up to take us back to the home.
The lady explained that her husband was a police officer, (just our luck), and will come and take us back to the home shortly. Soon after the police officer came and put us in his car and he was talking on the way there but we weren"t listening to him, we were sad that we didn"t make it to Liverpool but we were terrified about what was going to happen to us when we arrive back at the Children"s home.
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On return to the home we had to go straight to the Governor"s office and me and my sister were looking at each other and didn"t know what to do, it was difficult.
We got a good telling off. We were warned never to do it again and if we did we would get all our privileges stopped, no sweets and lots of chores.
From there we were escorted by the Governor to the house we lived in, in the grounds of the children"s home. We got punished by having to go to our rooms and to stay there all night until the next day. I didn"t sleep a wink that night I just wanted my dad, I lay there with my eyes shut thinking of my dad and our Sunday afternoons together. I felt very down at this point, it was the longest night ever. My eyes were stinging with all the tears, I was utterly exhausted but couldn"t sleep I was really 107
worried about tomorrow and what was going to happen to me.
I didn"t think the morning would ever come, I could hear the singing of the birds and dawn had come, I sat up in my bed and peeped through the curtains to see the beautiful morning, the sun was shining which made me feel that little bit better. I waited to be shouted down for my breakfast and didn"t know whether I would be asked or not. Eventually they shouted me down and the atmosphere was really bad that morning, almost deadly. I took a bite out of a piece of toast and as I was crunching it, it felt like I had glass in my mouth, I couldn"t eat anymore, I had a glass of orange juice and off I went to school as normal. I just couldn"t wait to get out of the house. The staff members were nice to me but you could tell that they were cross about what had happened. I saw my sister when I was 108
leaving for school and she came with me but this time with a member of staff to supervise us.
Me and my sister never talked we just walked to school. I was worried so I know that my sister would be too.
When we arrived at school there we had to go straight to the Head Masters office, we sat outside the office waiting to go in and thinking about being punished again, we sat and waited and both of us were biting our nails, we were very nervous.
We then got called in together. The Head Master had a pair of glasses on and the reflection of the sun was shining on them, he was peering at me with his eyes over his glasses, he had a very stern look on his face. He was waiting for a reaction from me and my sister, we didn"t give him one, and we were too frightened. He began to tell me of my 109
punishment. I was not allowed to go out at play time, I had to write 200 lines and I got detention.
It was really hard, I was writing the lines after school all week, I was really tired, but it did make me think and I settled a bit more but only because I had to. My sister got the same punishment as me but we had to be kept apart for a while.
Weeks went by and then months but I still longed for my dad even more so now. I wanted to end it all but never told anyone, not even my sister.
That would have been the easy way out, I am stronger than that. I had reached my lowest point and was so down that I can"t remember a time I had the interest in living.
110
“There were times when I thought of ending my life, I thought about that a lot, but kept my thoughts to myself”
I just wanted to be home with my dad and older sisters in Liverpool. I was allowed to buy stamps and write letters to my dad but I kept racking my brains trying to remember where he lived, I lost his address. We both couldn"t remember. We remembered our other sisters address so we both wrote to her.
111
A letter we sent to one of our older sisters.
Please, Please help us, we want to come home, we don’t like it here, we miss being in Liverpool, why are we here, we will be good if we come home we promise, let us come and live with you.
Where does my dad live we want to write to him please we are desperate, we beg you.
I never felt the urge to write to my mum it was very clear that she didn"t love me or my sister in care. I couldn"t believe she had done this to us and I still don"t believe it to this day. I thought it was bad that we were fostered out so many times but this topped it all. We lived in children"s homes also, she did not want us and we felt totally neglected.
112
The Planned Escape
I decided to escape again, this time on my own without my sister as it would be, I thought easier. I stocked up on supplies, crisps, drinks, anything I could get my hands on and stored them in my room. I did not tell anyone about my escape, not even my sister.
This time instead of walking through the streets, I headed for the M62 motorway, walking alongside the grass verge, I stopped a few times for something to eat and drink, I was shattered. I walked where nobody could see me, even 113
though it was along the grass verge it was behind bushes. I was cautious this time.
At one point I had to sit down as my legs were killing me and felt I couldn"t walk no more but I thought if I have a quick sit down I would get more energy in a couple of minutes. I sat there on the grass verge of the motorway and then lay down watching the cars and trucks go by, it was nice just to sit down, I calmed down as I was absolutely knackered with all the walking I had done, I just rested. I ended up drifting off to sleep and I remember dreaming of my dad, living with him, he was smiling at me, holding my hand. I really thought that we were living with my dad, the dream felt so real. I could feel my dads hand in my palm, and mine in his, I felt so safe and secure.
It was a lovely day in my dream; we were walking on the beach hand in hand, the lovely 114
breeze from the sea and the waves splashing against the golden sand.
The sun shining down on us both no worries no screaming or shouting just me and my dad enjoying father and son time together.
It was a lovely dream, but sadly my dream came to an end. I woke up by the rain drops splashing down on my face and I was soaked to the skin, it was raining very heavy, I was shivering with the cold, I was like a drowned rat, I started walking again, I didn"t know what time it was, but it was getting a bit dark, probably because of the rainy weather. My feet were killing me, my shoes were wet through, which was slowing down my pace it was real effort to walk. I was hungry, confused, didn"t know where I was, what town or city I was entering. Was I going to be safe? I hoped I was.
115
I could see flashing lights getting brighter and brighter, it was a motorway police car and it pulled up aside me, I walked faster and faster but when the police officer got by me he asked me what I was doing, I tried to run up the grassy embankment but because of the rain I just slid back down, I was covered in mud. The police officer took hold of me and lifted me over the motorway barrier and put me into the police car.
I was too exhausted to run away and knew that I didn"t stand a chance with this officer.
116
“I was caught once again”
He put the heater on for me and asked me where I was heading, I said to Liverpool to live with my dad, I was crying at this point because I knew I was going back to the home.
The police man tried to comfort me and he told me that he was in care when he was younger, I 117
felt like he understood and the best thing to do was to go back and not to worry but I worried, knowing what was going to happen.
I arrived back to the Children"s Home and again sent to the Governor"s office and yes again I got a telling off but this time the Governor was really strict and I got punished. I wasn"t allowed any sweets and he gave me additional chores to do, as you know I already washed dishes, etc, but this time I had to clean shoes, hoover bedrooms, stairs and clean windows, etc.
I had no option but to keep my head down and just get on with it. I was up every morning anyway at 5.30am, but I had to get up earlier to get through some of my chores before going to school.
On return from school I would continue with the chores. I got through it, but believe me it was 118
hard. I realised that running away was going to get me nowhere and I was just punishing myself, I knew I wasn"t going to get away with it, but I was a child in an adult world, the only thing that kept me going and not running away, escaping again was one day I was going to be home in Liverpool with my dad.
119
We Couldn"t Believe Our Eyes
It was the weekend and the sun was shining bright, it made me feel happy. I was playing with the children from the home; I and the lads were just kicking a football around on the field in the grounds of the home. I couldn"t believe my eyes as I could see one of my older sisters and I shouted my sister who was in the home with me who was with her mates, she came running over to me and we both ran to our older sister. She was pregnant at the time, we didn"t know she was visiting and we couldn"t believe our eyes when she turned up, we wrapped our 120
arms around her and when we lifted our heads my dad was standing in the distance, my lips moved into a trembling smile, it had been so long since I saw my dad and other sister.
I hardly recognised them, it was so upsetting for me and my sister, we couldn"t get over this, we were so pleased, my dad just stood there and as we ran to him, he opened his arms as wide as he could and grabbed tightly hold of us, the feeling was immense, the best feeling in the world, we thought we were going home, all of us were crying it was so unbelievable it is too hard to describe. I was so overwhelmed with the hugs and the kisses.
We all sat outside on the bench the sun was shining strong, and my dad and older sister asked about how things were at the home, we didn"t want to talk about the home we wanted to know about Liverpool and our other sisters. My 121
dad said he was very worried about us but explained why he hadn"t been to see us as he was unable to due to me and my sister being made a ward of court, we didn"t know at the time what he was talking about.
We sat and had drinks and sweets which my dad had brought us. My sister was asking how we were being treated and she had a very worried look on her face. I and my sister described what it was like, the chores we had, school, etc. The conversation had to come to an end and it seemed my dad was only there for a short period of time and I asked my dad should we go and get our clothes, etc, my dad and my older sister explained that we were unable to go home, they said they had to leave and to try and understand why at this point in time we couldn"t go home.
My older sister gave us a hug and said everything will be okay and then my dad gave 122
us a big hug and a big kiss and said not to worry. They began to walk away, we started to cry and we both followed them, saying “You can"t leave us here, we want to come with you, back home, don"t you love us, don"t you want us, we love you dad, please don"t go please?”
My dad hesitated and turned around and said to stop worrying, because there was absolutely not a thing he could do about it, we just had to wait.
My dad looked upset when he was saying this and he turned around and started to walk again, but looked back as they got further said “I love the both of you and I will get you out as soon as I can, I promise.”
It was so nice to see my dad and my sister but it built our hopes up so much as we thought we were going home. I felt unwanted again but I still had a glimmer of hope left in me that shone little day by day.
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I wished every day I was there at home living with my dad and my sisters in my home town of Liverpool. The days seemed very long but we got through it, somehow, but there were days when I just didn"t want to get out of bed, I think seeing my dad and my sister was great but also quite damaging to have a feeling of love glowing inside like an eternal flame for the flame to go out from the tears that I cried.
I couldn"t carry on playing football and went inside to my room; I cried uncontrollably and needed space to find myself to be in my own bubble that cannot be burst only by me. I gathered my thoughts, the only way I could describe my life as a child was like a pebble rolling in on the beach and going out again in the rough waves of the sea, back and forward in and out just like me in the care system.
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The carers, my step mum and dad (as we had to call them) came up to my room to see if I was okay. They were really concerned and made me feel a bit better after the talk and told me to keep my chin up and that things will work out for the best and that if I needed anything to come and see them. I will never forget that day they said that, they really cared for me, I felt wanted. All the children they looked after loved them like real parents.
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Settling In
I never really gave the home a chance, or me a chance, all I kept on thinking about was running away. I kept letting myself down, keeping myself to myself and staying on my own as much as I could, I could see now that this wasn"t helping me. I needed support and an outlet for me to forget about things that were taking a hold of me. My sister seemed to be settling in more than me, she had a lot of friends who were children at the home. I thought maybe I should give it a go and get to know people a bit more. So I did and started going out after 126
school with friends from the home and mingling.
In the home we had to call the people who were looking after us mum and dad and the other people in the other houses, we had to call them auntie and uncle. It was a bit confusing for me and my sister but we just got on with it.
The people who ran the Harris Children"s Home we had to address as Governor and Matron.
We went on holidays, trips out to a place called
“Silverdale” and we all got our picture taken at
“The Pepper Pot” It was an old brick round building which looked like a pepper pot. I have never seen nothing like that in my life, it was really old but interesting. We were all very excited of this strange looking building which was shaped like a “pepper pot” there where stories of angels .
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It was a lovely place to be, peaceful and lovely scenery which some of us had never seen before. I will go back again one day.
In Silverdale we stayed in dormitories with long corridors with beds in. It was a good experience and I and my sister thoroughly enjoyed our time there, it was good to forget.
I remember coming home from Silverdale on the coach and the driver got lost, we were all happy because we went to bed a lot later than usual, normal time being 7.00pm. They were good memories.
One day I got called to the Governor"s office with my sister, and my mother was there, she was with her boyfriend. We both couldn"t believe it, I was really mad and upset with anger because she had brought the lodger with her, me 128
and sister were only in the home because of him, because he wanted my mum all to herself, all them horrible negative feelings started to rush back. I just wanted them to go I couldn"t speak to my mum she must have known the reaction she was going to get. My sister felt the same she was angry too and didn"t have much time for my mum either. They stayed for only about one hour. My mum hardly spoke to us, I think at this point she was somewhat embarrassed or perhaps felt guilty. The boyfriend was just like a spare part, and he shouldn"t have come with her. I don"t know to this day what my mum"s logic was for bringing him with her, or even coming to the home herself to see us.
When they left we went to see the Governor and Matron and told them that we do not want my mother to come and visit us ever again I was 129
angry, she never did. She visited me and sister only once in the years we were there, I was glad in a way. Me and my sister were made a ward of court, I mentioned this earlier; this means we were owned by the Local Authority and not by our parents.
Eventually I and my sister were split up; the Governor said it would be for our own good. It was upsetting for me, we both went into different houses and I got really upset, I felt down and alone, I and sister were very close and for her not to be there made me feel unsafe.
I got moved to another house it was horrible.
The house wasn"t homely at all, it was quite scruffy. The woman who runs the house had four dogs and she cared more about the dogs than the children living in the home.
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The house smelt of faeces and urine from the dogs. The woman wasn"t kind at all, she lived on her own, and she wasn"t married. There were carers at the house also to look after the children. They were not as nice as the other carers in the other house that I was in. They looked us up and down and made us feel like we were something at the bottom of their shoes. I felt like a prisoner and not a child in care. We were given a lot of chores to do, from washing dishes, mopping, peeling potatoes for about 12
people and I had to peel them in the freezing cold outhouse, which was at the side of the house. My fingers were blue, the whole of my body was stiff with cold and I could not go back into the house until all the potatoes were peeled.
I would come into the heat in the house after peeling the potatoes I would stand in front of the fire to warm them I would rub my hands 131
together and I could feel the sting of the cold.
My hands used to have sores on them with all the peeling, it was hard work.
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“Winter time was lovely”
It was winter and snow was falling. Beautiful scenery and I just absolutely love the snow. I can remember a boy who was at the same house with me, he did something wrong, I can"t remember what, but he was told to stand by a wall with no shoes or socks on, the snow was to his ankles and we were all told to throw snow 133
balls at him, he was crying, I was the last one to throw a snow ball and I missed on purpose, I was told to throw another one and I did, but whoever you are, remember I didn"t want to do it and “I"m Sorry.” I was made to.
I went to bed angry, frustrated, thinking that night what had happened I should have told the Governor or the Matron but was too scared to wondering what would happen. It would not have bothered me getting told off for snitching or getting punished but I thought they would keep me there longer. Looking back I should have „blew the whistle" it should not have happened.
One particular member of staff, who was male in his thirties, took an instant dislike to me. This was because I was from Liverpool, he didn"t like scourers and he thought that all people from Liverpool were robbers.
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I got bullied by him, the odd push, shove, threat but I got him back by spitting in his cup of tea or letting the dogs lick his biscuits before I gave them to him, not a nice thing to do, but I was a kid and the only way I could think of at the time to get at him was to do that, not a nice man, Bully.
There were a lot of nice people at the Orphanage, the policeman and his wife especially, I know I had to call them step mum and dad but I was really lucky that I had step parents like them. They know who they are.
My sister now aged 16 finally left the Harris Children"s Home her time was up, she was free.
I was left on my own I had no family in Preston I was so sad, I went to the stable were they kept a donkey I would stay there, I sat in the corner of the stable crying, I would stay with the donkey which was sort of therapeutic, 135
I was there for about 2 hours each time or maybe more. I used to stroke the donkey continuously and feed it straw.
I loved that donkey it was my friend, animal"s sense when you are sad and my donkey
“Barnaby” knew I was sad. Barnaby lived in a stable which was on the site of the Children"s Home, he had been there for years, and everybody loved “Barnaby.” Children who may have lived in the orphanage would go to the Barnaby to forget their troubles.
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“Our donkey in orphanage”
This was my free time away from everyone, I know they all had their own problems but I felt I needed freedom and space to deal with my problems. One time a member of staff from another house got told I was in the stables and heard what had happened, my sister leaving and me feeling rather low, he sat with me for a while and talked to me, he was trying to reassure me that everything would be okay.
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The member of staff went to the Governor and expressed concern for me as I got moved from that house into the one I was originally in, called Ash Lea, I was so happy to go back to that house, the people there were nice to me I felt safe. I went to the supermarket and shopping centres with them in their car, I know that sounds daft but it was something I hadn"t done before.
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“Ash lea house”
Harris Children’s Home Preston
This is the house where I spent my last years in the “Care system”
I felt so happy and safe being with them, they made me feel so good with myself. I will never forget that day, thank you. You are very caring people to all the children who you looked after, thank you.
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They bought me a skate board, and I used to skate up and down outside it was like a real home life, I thought because I didn"t know what a real home life was.
I spent the last several months in Ash Lea house and when it was time for me to leave, to leave the house I spent happy times in, it was a sad day, but I was happy to go back to my home town Huyton in Liverpool to my dad who got custody of me.
I gathered all my belongings together and my step parents let me keep my skateboard, I was so happy, they were really nice people. I will miss them dearly.
I waited in the hallway where people from the home said their goodbyes. My lift came, it was really happening, this time it was for real, not a dream, I was overwhelmed. The Social Worker 140
put my belongings in the boot of his car and off we went. I waved and waved at the back of the window of the car until we left the grounds. I felt sad.
I was so excited I was going to live with my dad and lead a normal life; this is all I have ever wanted. The Social Worker was trying to make conversation with me and I did respond sometimes but other times I was just taking in the scenery and thinking of my dad"s reaction when I get home. I was looking at the signs on the motorway, 40 miles to go, 30 miles to go, etc. I was getting nearer to Liverpool, what a wonderful feeling. At one point on the motorway there was a police car that passed us and for the first time ever I felt okay about it.
Unless you have been in care you won"t really understand but it is heartbreaking when you are owned by the local authority and not by your 141
parents who brought you into this world and then gave you away like a worthless gift.
I took my curtain call when I left the children"s home it was a long hard road but I got to where I longed to go. The future was ahead of me and I am going to grab it with both hands.
There will be hard times I"m sure and also good times but whatever happens I am a man am now a free man and don"t belong to the care system no more. No more chores, no more rules, no more getting told what I had to do.
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“I have survived the care system”
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Liverpool My Home Town
I lived with my dad when I left the Harris children"s home; it was good to have my own bedroom and my dad to wake up to. I felt ecstatic, words cannot describe the immense warm feeling inside to be at home in Liverpool with my dad and have my own bedroom.
My dad had moved into a 2 bedroom house in Mardale Road, in Huyton, he would shout me in the morning with tea and toast ready for me. I loved him so much, breakfast, dinner; tea would be there for me to eat, pocket money too. We 144
had our disagreements but it was so good to be home again. My dad loved all his children; he was a good dad to us all.
Our neighbour Joan was my dad"s friend, we used to go in and have cups of tea. She was my dad"s best neighbour, we had a lot of fun, and she was funny. I used to go in every night she knocked on the wall when she was putting the kettle on. Her house had a real homely feeling, she had a family but she still had time for me and my dad.
In the summer they were putting extensions on the back of everyone"s houses in the street making the kitchens bigger, me and my dad were in the extension when it was half finished and we saw a rat, there was a small hole in the wall between Joan"s and our house and my dad said “Kick it into Joan"s,” (meaning the rat), when she heard what he said, the laughing we 145
did it was so funny, that was my dad"s humour.
He also gave Joan"s 3 kids orange juice, one day which was 3 years out of date. I had to tell Joan, she just laughed it off.
Joan loved my dad, they got on really well. She was originally my sister"s best friend so she has known my family all her life, and sort of looked after me when I lived with my dad; she was there for me and still is.
I can go into Joan"s house anytime, even though she has moved we still keep in touch with each other.
In our house we had electric meters in the cupboard, which you used to put 50 pence pieces in when the electric went out. One week we had no money and my dad broke the lock on the electric meter he got all the fifty pence"s and spent the money on food, etc for me and him, he 146
said he would put it back when he got paid on the Monday. On the day he got paid he put the money back and told me that he did. It was a wrong thing to do, but it wasn"t the crime of the century.
The next day the electric man come to empty the meter, we both sat there, my dad was waiting for the rebate, but the man came from the cupboard looked at me and my dad, my dad asked the man “Is everything okay?” The man said “Yes all the money is here, but I can"t understand how it ended up in a money bag in the meter!” Well my dad"s face dropped, he put the money back like he said but put it back still in the money bag! That was so funny. I was dying to laugh but had to try hard to keep a straight face. I can"t remember what happened I think my dad got a telling off. My dad used to go to car boot sales; he loved to grab a bargain.
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He did a lot of cooking in those days and he had all the usual utensils and crockery, etc. He saw an advert on the T.V. about pressure cookers, my dad wanted one of those, when he saw one in the car boot sale he just had to have it, he said
“Its brand new in the box.” He prepared all the food for the pressure cooker and he put the spuds, carrots, onions and chunks of beef and gravy, the works all in a pan, he put it on the stove and closed the lid tight and left it to simmer. There is a knob on the lid of the pressure cooker to tighten and then release the steam. However after a couple of hours he had turned the gas off, but didn"t realise he had to release the air from the knob of the pressure cooker! He tried this with his bare hands, he just couldn"t grasp it, the lid wouldn"t budge, so he got a hammer and started bashing it, but it still wouldn"t budge, so he got a lump hammer and 148
wacked it with an almighty thud, the pan exploded all over the kitchen and all over him, he panicked with shock and ran to Joan"s front door and she called an ambulance. My dad was covered in head to toe in what people from Liverpool call scouse.
When I look back now it was hilarious, he had carrots on his face, onions in his hair, meat all over his arms, he came out of hospital that same night and we laughed about it then and still do to this day.
Every birthday and Christmas, my dad would give me money. My mum didn"t buy me presents on my birthday and at Christmas time we would sit in the living room, my mum would pass presents around to the children and in-laws and leave me out! She was very cruel; I don"t know to this day why she was like that with me.
I have asked her why she put me in care – she 149
would just shrug her shoulders. I used to knock twice a week at my mum"s, I was desperate for her to show some love to me, I was desperate to ask her questions and for answers from her, but she would just look out of the window, open the door and say “He"s having his tea,” the boyfriend, so I started knocking at other times during the day and sometimes after tea time, but she would say “He"s in.” I stopped knocking for about 2 years and never saw my mum and in that time although she only lived 10 minutes walk from where I lived with my dad. The neighbours thought I visited her a lot, which I stated earlier that I used to because I wanted her to love me, but she clearly didn"t, she would lie to the neighbours, to make them think she was a good mum, but she never was, ever. I know that my mum spoke with neighbours because they would comment to me in the street that I was 150
there all the time doing odd jobs and the garden, but I never was and told them clearly that I never even got through the front door.
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