My worst day in Goulburn jail.
First published – Sep 10 2007.
Time to tell you all about the worst day I ever had in Goulburn.
I got a going over by a few rogue screws, fucking DOGS!
Anyhow makes for some good reading and I like to expose Corrective Services NSW
when ever possible as you probably already know..ha ha Back again,
Got a fairly hectic blog for you this morning.
Some stuff that went down during my stay at Goulburn jail.
Definitely my worst day there that‟s for sure.
Corrective Services won‟t like what I have to say but in saying that if I had to pick an event that forever made the staff of NSW Corrective Services my enemy this would be it.
Actually most likely if asked they will deny this even went down, DOGS!
The day it all went down started of fairly weird, nearly everyday inside is the same so the fact that me and a couple of mates decided to take a day of work from the gaol kitchen to get stoned and play “manila” or stunt poker I think some call it was a change already.
I headed to the clinic and lined up with my ID card to get a nurses certificate with my mates to give us all permission to have a day off work.
Once that was sorted and morning “muster” was over with we headed up stairs for a smoke closing my cell door behind us and mulling up.
Now I hadn‟t smoked for about six months as I had been on a gym binge to put on some size so I was absolutely wrecked by the time we were finished smoking and was just chatting with the lads and having a laugh.
We decided to head to the yard for some fresh air and wandered out the door of my top landing cell.
I had forgotten my smokes so I ran back to my cell as the others went down stairs.
Weed and smokes in my hand I wandered from my cell in a daze not even looking up.
I had walked from my cell half way up the landing and I looked up and saw three
“squad” and a german shepherd coming toward me!
If you are wondering what “Squad” are they are like these rag tag groups of super screws..lol
Nah they are groups of roid munching screws that dress in like jumpsuits and go from gaol to gaol looking for drugs and stamping out “unsavoury” behaviour.
So being stoned, holding some weed and running in to them and a German shepherd is not a good situation!
There is only one way off the top landing and it was past the squad so I tried to casually turn and walk back to my cell to hide the smoko but as I turn they scream out
“Stop There”
Instinct kicked in and I turned and high tailed off in the other direction thinking I would just hide the weed before they caught me but they let the dog go so I only made it a few cells.
I spotted a mate in his cell, ran in and gave him the weed hoping that while they searched me he could get rid of it.
I palmed it to him and popped back out of his cell in time to get tackled.
Once they searched us both we were taken to the end of the landing.
The rest of the boys were locked out as they went from cell to cell searching for drugs and weapons.
The mate I had palmed the smoko to had this expression on his face that told it all.
As the screws came in to his cell the best place he could put the stash was under the pillow of a mate of ours and so it was going to be found by the screws in no time.
What was worse our mate would cop the blame.
I had f**ked up so I went to the gate to call the squad over and tell them where the shit was and that it was mine.
The squad just kept telling me to F**K off and wouldn‟t hear me out so I went down to some other screws and was like yeah I stashed some weed in my mates cell and basically that was where shit hit the fan.
It started calmly enough that screw was like good on ya mate doing the right thing and not letting a friend get in shit for it and we went up stairs to my landing where the squad were ripping the cells to bits looking for contraband.
He opened the gate and ushered me through to go tell the squad, locking the gate behind me making me the only guy in green with the whole squad.
I looked for the least hectic looking screw and wandered up to this normal none steroid taking size guy who was video taping what was going on and told him what was up.
This screws eyes lit up and he quickly walked me over to this short but very stocky and angry little napoleon type dude who had little man syndrome I think.
He told him and straight away he began cursing and trying to drag me in the cell where the smoko was which was a bit difficult for him until two more of his larger colleagues joined in.
They dragged me inside my mates cell even though I would have walked and I grabbed the pot and handed it over.
They then asked was there more and of course I was like “no” so they took me to my cell pushing me inside.
As we went in the napoleon guy who was doing all the talking told the video man to stop recording which he did followed by him closing the door behind himself.
Of the other three one stood behind me as I stood in the middle of the cell and the other two stood in front of me.
Napoleon was up in my face screaming about “who has the drugs‟ “how do drugs get in to Goulburn” “Do I have more drugs”….etc…..etc.
Having been yelled at and put down by screws for a while at this stage I wasn‟t bothered and just kept telling him I knew nothing and that a mate gave me the weed but that he got out and I couldn‟t remember his last name.
Had they checked my record they would know I took five years and didn‟t talk so a few screws are definitely not making me a dog!
Once it became apparent I was not saying anything things tuned ugly.
Napoleon had kept pointing to some sugar replacement that was spilt on the bench of my cell.
He was claiming it was drugs and as I looked at it he cold smacked me in the ear twice!
My first instinct was to put my guard up for a fight and napoleon laughed at me in a sarcastic way…”Do you really want to do that Mr Parsons”
I put my hands down and that was the most demeaning shit ever!!!!
As my hands went down the burly dude behind me grabbed my arms and locked them so I couldn‟t get them free.
After that napoleon just kept asking me the same bullshit he asked me earlier, I stuck to my answer so he would clock me a few times, mainly in the back of the head as nothing breaks and no visible bruises are left.(also it doesn‟t hurt them as they wear leather gloves, like gardening ones).
The other big screw standing behind napoleon clocked me a couple of times to but I didn‟t go down.
In fact I don‟t think they wanted me down hence the fact they would wait a few minutes between hits, I think they liked watching me anticipate the next blows as you get a bit jumpy in this situation where you cant fight back.
After ten minutes they let me go and I went to the yard and had a coffee and told everyone what went down.
One pretty crazy dude had beef with me for not hiding the weed properly and wanted to go in the gym which I wasn‟t really in the mood for after my ordeal but he kept bringing it up so I had no choice but to agree and we went to go to the gym.
As we headed out the door the guy who was basically running the show was like nah that is not going to happen cause Dave did the right thing and kept his trap shut.
I became really good mates with this guy and won‟t forget the favour as Im pretty sure with the state I was in and the fact the other dude was fitter, bigger and a straight up better fighter then me I would have a few battle wounds that I don‟t have because of him.
That wasn‟t it either, as the squad let me go they said they would be back any day within the next few weeks to either have a list of names from me or to in there words
“use your blood to paint the wing”.
They even had this gay ass normal wing screw come remind me of the shit everyday!!
Rather mentally taxing as they can arrive anytime day or night and just sneak quietly in to your cell to do what they want and you have no where to go.
After about five weeks they hadn‟t shown so I stopped worrying about it.
Also as part of my punishment the normal screws banned me from having visits for three months and forced me to complete a three month “get ready for society” course to get my parole.
In turn it I believe was the gaol holding the course that first recommended my ban from Berra.
So yeah that‟s it guys, that‟s the worst day I ever had locked up!
I saw worse but that is my personal worst.
It‟s just a memory now, a story to tell over a beer.
To NSW corrective services….This story is 100% factual and accurate and you all need to re evaluate your system urgently or face massive community backlash.
To the members of the squad that were involved in this.
Next time your at work and you are working a long shift and feeling tired waiting to get home in a few hours…..
As you look up at the fat guys sweaty balls while you kneel next to him and look through his possessions as your partner conducts a strip search think of this ITS
EVIDENTLY CLEAR DAVE WINS AND YOU LOSE!
Also check me out co-hosting the gaol break radio show in Sydney on Oct 23rd as no doubt we will be discussing corrective services…HA HA BLOG THIRTY
Some childish revenge on an ex.
First published – Sep 16 2007.
Just a little prank I played on an ex missus that turned a bit stalker on me.
Back again,
I have another tale about a deranged ex you might find amusing.
I won‟t go in to the relationship as it was only a couple of months in length but it turned out this chick and I moved in together and I was renting her parents investment house.
With my 21st birthday fast approaching I was keen to break it off with her so I could truly have a 21st to remember but she had other ideas!
Once I told her it was over she shed a few tears as expected but what was unexpected was the fact that she didn‟t pack her things and jet, instead she just stayed refusing to move out.
Next morning after a night on the couch I headed out for the day expecting her to be gone when I returned.
I was dead wrong!
Instead I returned home to find her in new lingerie waiting in the bedroom so I headed back to the couch with my mix bowl and tv remote.
Now under normal circumstances I would have just moved house myself but I was in the final stages of growing some hydro weed in the spare room of this house and as I said her parents owned the joint (they knew nothing of the hydro) so it was all a little complicated.
I couldn‟t just up and leave.
For weeks I just had to put up with having this chick hanging around.
Finally as the hydro neared harvest I had it out with her which included her throwing a half full bottle of gin at my head just missing it putting a huge hole in the wall.
This was fairly amusing as her parents owned the house.
She still would not leave however with some help packing her bags she eventually found the front door ok.
I set about harvesting and drying the buds asap.
I packed my gear and moved in to a townhouse in Pearce.
That wasn‟t it though!
Before I left I thought up a bit of childish revenge.
I had a photo of this chick smoking a bong so I left that in the lounge room with a bong and a bud sitting next to it for her olds to see.
That satisfied my need for some revenge but the biggest laugh was yet to come.
During the house move this chick had agreed to find a home for the dog we had and one day I was meeting a pot customer I had from around the way and the same dog jumped out of his car as he pulled up to score.
The boys pointed out this guy had my old dog and I was like hey boy giving him a pat.
Then out of this guys car hops the chick!
I do the deal and leave because I can see the boys are barely containing there laughter.
As we drive of the lads burst in to hysterics as they had been calling out look “he has your old dog”.
Turned out he had a pair of them…ha ha
Nah that‟s a bit harsh, she was actually a nice chick before she went stalker on me.
Still that was the joke for a while ha ha.
Back soon.
BLOG THIRTY ONE