'Smile, You're Dead' Silent Battles by kim jeehyun - HTML preview
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Table of contents
Me , the night and my thoughts
intro
In the pages of this book, I invite you to walk with me through the labyrinth of my life. Delve into the depths of my struggles with depression and sadness,overthinking , where darkness often feels overwhelming.
Discover the bittersweet moments of love, the tender connections with family, and the haunting nightmares that have plagued my nights.
Witness the relentless battle against cancer and the impact it has had on my spirit and those around me.
Delve into the depths of failure, loneliness, and the resilience found in fighting battles alone.
This is my story—a raw, honest reflection of enduring pain, finding hope, and the unyielding spirit to keep moving forward, and the unyielding quest for meaning in a world fraught with challenges.
Do not read the following pages unless you are ready for your life to change forever.
Preface
**Troubled days for a calm person**
I am just a dot in this universe, a dot among billions of other dots, I just wanted to live, live passionately despite the daily obstacles and impediments that we face and that we know as life, but the worst thing that has happened to me these days is the loss of my compassion, it is not sadness or brokenness, it is an extinction without light.. My hands have slipped from everything I wanted before, even though I still want it, and I have forgotten everything I loved in the past and still love, and I continue to watch the days pass day after day and I am alone with no companion but silence
.
"Terrors of the Mind"
I write to rid myself of madness. I write so that I don't collapse. I write to rescue myself from loss. I write to survive death in life, to free myself from diseases! I write so that the hallucinations in my head dissolve, transferring these hallucinations to white paper. I write to forget the madness. I write to escape the monsters, but I didn't know that my writings would eventually lead me towards the devil. I started writing so that the devil wouldn't eat me.
Writing is madness, and every writer is insane, but not every insane person is a writer.
**To my nightmares that were my inspiration, thank you. As terrifying as you were, you were a true inspiration to me.**
Van Gogh says:
*Where does life take me? And what does the mind do to us? It takes away the joy of things and leads us towards writing!*
And I say:
*Where does life take me? And what do my nightmares do to me? All my dreams and nightmares lead me towards writing and madness!*
I contemplate terror, fear, and boredom if it were not for my pen and papers, with which I recreate my nightmares anew on the canvas until they emerge from the depths of my mind and settle on a white sheet of paper.
What should I do? I want to invent new lines and colors other than those that fill my life every day.All colors and drawings have a ghostly, frightening, terrifying, and gloomy glow in my mind. Is it like this in nature? Or is my mind sick?
**Note:** Before we begin, all the drawings are mine. Some are taken from my thoughts, some from my mind, and most of them are taken from my nightmares. They are all drawn by hand. Please do not think too much about them so that my nightmares do not become your nightmares.
Most of my nightmares are seen only once and not repeated. When I see a nightmare, I wake up and quickly start drawing the events and characters in it.
Each nightmare no longer comes to me again. My mother was right that he died in the painting, but I did not know that he would come back to life! For about eight years, I have been an artist who draws his nightmares.
I remember the first painting I drew in my first year of middle school. Everyone used to call me eccentric when they asked me: What is the source of your inspiration for these scary and strange drawings? My answer is always: My nightmares are the source of my inspiration and thoughts.
No one blames me for this trait or curse because I only got laziness from those nightmares. These nightmares take something huge from my activity, passion for life, and psyche. After every nightmare I wake up from, I feel that I don't want anything, and I don't desire anything. I remain lying on my bed, slowly regaining my breath for about an hour or an hour and a half, after which I get up and draw the nightmare.
I can no longer differentiate between reality and nightmares! I used all the medications and painkillers to no avail. I resisted sleeping so that I wouldn't have a nightmare. I suffered from insomnia and went crazy until I reached the point of contemplating suicide. I actually decided to commit suicide, but each time hesitated and was afraid. You know how difficult it is to kill yourself. It's not an easy thing at all!
My dad calls me an insane son: "I gave birth to a monster that scares his mom and family with his stupid dreams." My mom was the only worried person at home. She took me to see a therapist many times, but the man was telling me they are just bad dreams, nothing more. They were just giving me meds to sleep, but whenever I slept, I had them again and again every night.
For years I have been living in the crowd of these nightmares. They started with me suddenly without warning. I do not know their source or reason. I do not remember being exposed to a scary incident to become complex or anything else. I did not leave a single psychiatrist without visiting him, and I did not leave a single treatment without taking it. I did not leave a single hospital in the country without entering it.
My mother was forced to present my case on many websites on the Internet, sites that specialize in strange and rare cases, but to no avail!why ? because it is fucking Asia you cant be weak grow up and be like a real man.. .
I can't describe every one of my nightmares or every drawing I did, but they were scary and disgusting……….
1. a fantastical creature with exaggerated facial features. The creature has large, pointed ears and a wide, open mouth displaying sharp teeth. Its eyes are round and prominent, giving an intense expression. appearance 2. He was deformed, ugly in appearance, his body was the body of a pig, his face was the face of an ape, his eyes were slit lengthwise, his teeth were all one bone, he had no beard, his hands were on his shoulders, he had two other hands on his sides, and his fingers were one.
3. a surreal old ugly scary woman figure with elongated limbs and exaggerated proportions, carrying another figure on its back. The primary figure has long, flowing hair and a distorted face, with pale skin tones. The secondary figure appears smaller, with similarly distorted features.
4. a demonic figure with a surreal and grotesque style. highlighting the subject's eerie features. The figure has a blue skin tone, exaggerated facial features, and sharp, pointed ears. Two small horns protrude from the forehead ,The eyes are white and glowing, adding to the menacing appearance. The mouth is wide open, revealing multiple rows of sharp, jagged teeth, with a red tongue visible.
5. I'm lying on a bed screaming, and I can not move. Two women with long black hair and completely black eyes are sitting with me. They touch me with their long nails on my head. Their faces are disfigured with blood and wounds. They smile with big, open mouths and long teeth like bones.
6. Two big hairy men with small legs hold a man tied to the ground, cut off his tongue and vocal cords, then beat his fingers with an iron hammer, and the man doesn't scream. Above the man, two black doves stick to his head and drink the blood from his fingers.
7. A woman with a bald man with two heads in her mouth, blood flowing from his eyes, and he is also screaming from his two mouths. Inside his first mouth are many ugly faces like animals, all of them screaming. The second mouth is in the second head, and inside it is a girl screaming and devouring her infant child while she is crying.
These are just a few that I was having.
"I can never reveal to people what is in my mind enough, lest they turn away from me in terror and fear." — Franz Kafka
Nightmares are linked to any particular stress or event but mine I don't really know.Sometimes our minds process stress or unresolved issues through dreams, which can lead to nightmares , my nightmares were different , and no one can believe them so i had no interest to tell people at that time, i was a boy and scared that might think I'm insane or something , scared of they would put me in mental hospital.
So, the only treatment that worked was drawing them. After many drawings, I felt less scared and less stressed, and I wasn't afraid of them anymore. It was like I got used to it."
My creative outlet has given me a powerful way to face my fears.
Over time, these nightmares are gone. I don't know how, but I stopped having them, and because of them, they made me an artist. I never asked myself why I was having them or how when I had them, or maybe my mind was busy with something else.
I was just scared and wishing they would stop. and Now I don't even want to ask about them anymore....
Sorry I can not show you the drawings because they are really disgusting , unsightly ………
Home Fires" "
**FAMILY**
My parents' quarrels always bothered me when I was little, and I always escaped from them to my only companion and refuge... imagination.
I remember that I often used to sit alone for long hours, imagining the life that my soul wanted. I would imagine myself in a happy family, where there was nothing but happiness and joy and no place for sadness and misery like my real life.
Every time my mother or anyone else from that family wronged me, imagination was the only refuge. I grew up, and my psychological complexes grew with me and only got worse.
My dad was always shouting like a madman at home because of work, so my parents had problems. On the 5th of December 2017, my parents decided to move to another country to start a new life and a new home without me. Dad wanted me to stay with my aunty, but I decided to stay alone. After all, my mom was against the idea, of course. They moved without me; they started a new life with my two big brothers, and I started my own—the lonely one.
From that day on, I decided to do everything alone. At first, it was simple: making food alone, cleaning alone, getting ready for school, making breakfast. A few days later, it started to get hard and tiring. I wasn't working; my mom was sending me money every month, and it was enough for me.
Years later, I finished high school, but I did not want to go to college or anything. I decided to stop there—enough with useless studying. After that, life started to get hard as hell. A few months later, my mom died... I'll let you imagine what I was going through...
By entering adolescence, my life had turned upside down, to the point that I wished to return even one day to my harsh childhood.
I just wanted a hug. One hug would have been enough to make my life normal today.
Now, after all these years, I tell you, Mom and Dad, that I don't want a hug, I no longer need it.
A broken heart... has happened.
A Journey Through Darkness
A Journey Through Darkness
A Journey Through Darkness
Me , the night and my thoughts
I am lost in thinking too much, I can no longer distinguish whether to make the heart think and choose or the mind? Both are damaged. It is unfortunate what happened to me. Fate should have smiled at me even once after everything I have been through. Tell me when will all this end and I feel comfortable forever? When?
"When you take care of yourself and overcome all the things that make you a sad and weak person and your heart is free of sadness and worry, hope and optimism enter your heart and you rise again.."
Dear reader, you will find here everything that is on your mind, so know that every word of these words passes through your mind and then to your heart..
Read carefully
**Depression doesn't mean the end of feelings or emotions, it just makes you see the glass half empty.**
**"Dear Reader, I apologize I did not put these thoughts in order. Just to let you imagine what is going through my mind."**
When I was young, I always dreamed of growing up and reaching this age. I always wondered how adults live. Now, I am in the first stages of adulthood as I wished, but now I wish I had never reached this age. If I met the child I was when I was young, I do not know what I would tell him or how I would disappoint him and shatter his dreams that were woven by his childhood imagination. I regret that his fantasies about adults and the life of adults were nothing but an "illusion" to create hope. It saddens me to say that we did not reach what we wished for, and we are no longer as we were.
**Day 1: The reason for my loneliness?**
I'm turning 17, and I start getting to know something new called depression... and I wish I never met it. No one can reach out to get me out. It's slowly devouring me, destroying everything inside me. For some reason, it makes me feel like a ghost, empty inside.Songs make me feel doubly sad. The sky makes me feel so weak.
Why couldn't anyone feel my loneliness, feel my sadness? I've always been with them in their times of sadness, but the difference is that they express these sadness.
**"Depression hovers around silent people. Have you discovered the reason for my loneliness?"**
**Day 2: It seems that my heart is in its last meters.**
This headache, all the Panadol and painkillers failed to expel it. This monster that howls like a wolf in my head, only a bullet will silence it.
During the day, everything about my features suggests that I am normal, natural, and tough enough, and I barely melt at night with tears so that I can face another day with a fake smile. At the end of my day, I return to my bed alone, harsh on myself, filled with contempt. Great sadness, small souls cannot contain it.
**Day 3: Who will listen to the silent scream inside me?**
I'm exhausted. Why won't this go away? I keep hearing annoying noises all the time. I just keep thinking endlessly. Inside me, someone won't stop screaming.
Everyone hates me; well, that's pretty obvious. I'm tired of people treating me like I'm a monster or something. The voices inside my head are louder than my real voice. Please listen to the voice inside me, it's suffocating me badly.
**Day 4: I breathe failure.**
I'm tired of all this pain and suffering, all this regret, heartbreak, psychological and nervous pressure, and that constant desire to cry, that foolish tremor, that cold shiver that runs through my limbs and hides beneath it enough to ignite this entire universe at once.
As if my sadness isn't enough for me, I search through all the accounts and follow all the tweets, and I see the sad ones, and I charge my heart and feed it with another sadness, and I cry again, renewing the sadness with every tweet. I hate everything that spoiled me and made me this sensitive person.
I am a failure in everything in my life. The only thing I have succeeded in is misery.
**Day 5: Should I just disappear?**
Oh, those years... Those were the worst years of my life. I felt anxious and scared, helpless and lonely and nonexistent, but when I sit among them, and they say that these were the best years they had together, I can't help but continue lying. Am I looking the wrong way? Or am I destined to suffer? How much I hate fake relationships. The world outside is so scary. I feel like I'm a danger to everyone.
**Day 6: I hope to find an ending I deserve, after everything I went through.**
"My problem is the details. I am not good at ignoring details. One word in a long conversation makes me sad. A deadly memory crosses my mind and changes my mood for several days.
Small details kill me severely, as if I am drifting into misery day after day. I am never good at choosing the right path. You always find me wrong. I turned to despair when I exhausted all my attempts. I became like the corners of the rooms.
I stand firm so that I do not become wreckage and destroy myself and the place.
I no longer have the ability to hold on. I made a lot of effort despite my young age, and how I wished for the days to pass and forgot that they were my age, but my schizophrenia increases every day.
My lack of patience and wisdom in some periods of my life cost me a lot.
Everything was going away... but as it went away, it left some things that cannot go away."
**Day 7: The situation inside me is very bad.**
I am not dying from isolation or suffocating, I am dying from society, from crowding, from the chaos of the world, and from the noise of my constant thinking.
I want to sleep, and by that, I mean for all the things that are awake inside me to fall asleep, for the longing, disappointments, wounds, and the sound of crying to fall asleep. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.
**Day 8: Talk to someone? Therapist? Get Help?**
They force you to talk about what's wrong with you. You talk and talk but they don't understand. You don't know if it's because you can't explain or because they can't comprehend, but simply don't try because they didn't and won't understand.
They think that you're the one who chose all this for yourself and that you're resigned to the matter, but they don't know your serious attempts to get out of it before this surrender that you're in.
**Day 9: There is something... suffocating me inside me.*
**Forty thousand years of human language and you can't find a single letter that describes the feeling inside you completely.**
Like a sad cactus that doesn't cry, because it realizes that if it cries for a hundred years, no one will embrace it. The only bad thing here is everything.
Every time I resist, I feel like I'm in the middle of a fire and I resist it with my body.
I was resisting the burning of my soul until it went out. Midnight is painful and the time after it is even more painful. The night wasn't dense, I was me.
**Day 10: I'm losing my Fucking mind**
In the past, sleep was easy. As soon as the light went out, sleep would come. But now, whenever we turn off the lights to sleep, thought lights its candles until morning.
Suddenly I felt a terrible extinction, and suddenly I felt that I was the happiest person in the world. My contradictions are endless. I was afraid of strange things. I am afraid of myself when I remain steadfast in the face of harsh things. I am afraid when I do not cry in front of things that call me to cry, and I am afraid when I remain silent despite the noise in my head and all the words in my chest.
I am afraid for myself when I receive all the shocks with complete calm. I am afraid of the idea that this steadfastness will suddenly collapse, and I will not be able to get up again.
**Day 11: Where is my soul?**
My soul was lost among sorrows, and I searched for it everywhere and did not find it. I also searched in my dark room and did not find it. I remembered later that my soul had withered, so I looked around me right and left, but I did not see any person. So I asked myself: Why can't I reconcile with you, my soul?
From here I realized the truth of life: life goes on despite all circumstances. I realized that the circumstances of life change from time to time. We go through beginnings and endings, meetings and farewells, difficulties and crises. Either we overcome all of that with determination and persistence and then succeed, or we suffer and complain and then fail.
**Day 12: A volcano of words and attitudes that I tried to hide will explode**
Sometimes a person keeps silent because he can't find a single word to express himself. He keeps silent when he feels that no one cares about him. Even if someone tries to know what's saddening him, the reason is curiosity, nothing more.
After that, he will say his usual words. We are all like this. That's why we choose silence because it's better than talking to people who don't appreciate feelings.
I have started to suppress everything inside me so that no one sees me as weak when I talk about what is inside me. My heart becomes weak when I sit alone at night in my dark room, and all of that is due to too much suppression. Inside me are many words that accumulate day after day. I have become unable to speak about what is going on inside me, perhaps because there is no one to listen to me or because I do not have people with whom I can talk with complete comfort. But when that day comes I will not be able to continue suppressing it.
**Day 13: The truth**
When I was young, I used to hear about depression, frustration, and isolation from people. I was surprised by the people who suffered from it because I used to see life as easy and wonderful. But now I discovered that it wasn't like that. Now I understand their suffering, and I discovered that they weren't lying or pretending when they isolated themselves and that they didn't like it as I thought. A depressed person is not a sick person in my opinion. Rather, he is a person who saw the world and its people as they really are and was unable to deal with all this ugliness.
I know that I am on the wrong path. I know that the state I have reached does not suit my youth. I know how dangerous it is for me to continue on this path, and I know that no one but me will bear the consequences of this path. I know stories of hope by heart, and I can tell you about the bleakness of my unknown future that awaits me simply because I am too lazy to take a step in the present. I am suffering, but my suffering is not just in depression, or loneliness, or despair, but in the loss of passion.
**Day 14: Don't ask me how I am doing**
Don't ask me how I am: because I am always fine, no matter how I feel and no matter what the circumstances are. I know how to overcome everything on my own
without needing people, because I see that needing people is weakness, and I hate being weak in my own eyes, even for a few seconds.
There is a part inside me that no one knows about so that I don't see looks of pity and sympathy from anyone. I always show my smile to everyone, but there is a feeling inside me that almost kills me.
You feel that you are living your life, but in reality, you are dead inside, and you feel that your heart is beating slowly. Certainly, these words will not make you feel what I have been through, but I want to tell you that now I have become without a soul and without a life.
**Day 15: I wish to forget**
In the quiet night, there are those who struggle with their thoughts. There are those who suffer because of memories.
There are those who try to forget. There are those who try to escape from reality, and there are people who do not sleep because of a hurtful word that was said to them.
But when we were children, we used to try to stay up a lot, but sleep overcame us.
Today, we wish to forget for a moment without thinking about anything throughout the night.
Sometimes a person feels the need to escape from himself and his thoughts that lead him to collapse every day, so much so that he wants to stop where he is and take a break from all of this.
But the real prison of a person is his mind, which keeps him facing the past, and to obtain freedom from it requires calmness.
**Day 16: I wasn't well for a long time and no one noticed**
I learned not to expect anyone to stay with me, and I learned not to wait and not to wait for feelings. I no longer wait for apologies or love. I had energies that I have not been able to release until now, and I had beautiful feelings and a personality that I have not been able to show to anyone...
It is tragic to find yourself trapped in an unforgiving world, a world that does not give you a chance to be yourself, so you find yourself lost between what you want and what reality imposes on you.
**"Dostoevsky"**
**Day 17: Feeling sorry**
I would like to apologize, I apologize again and again to myself. Myself is the only one who deserves an apology. I am the one who exhausted it with my questions, my suspicions, and my thoughts, by burdening it with what it cannot bear, by pressuring it and storing all matters in it.
No one noticed my worn features or the tears accumulating behind my fragile smile.
Everyone around me looks at me as if I am strong, but inside I am being killed by sadness. Am I not well?
I cry for the life I live, I cry for the time I wasted and for the emptiness and depression that fills my life. I cry for my appearance that has become faded and for my soul that was extinguished before its time.
Everyone misses the old version of themselves, even though it was weaker, less mature, and more stupid. But it was happier and more comfortable. Peace of mind always remains the most precious feeling.
In the end, everything will be okay. No matter how much you forget that thought, don't forget it.
Everything will pass, and you will know very well that it is not the first time you have been sad, and it will not be the last. Every time you thought that you would not be able to continue, you continued, and every time you felt drowning, you survived.
There is a genius solution you should know, and this solution is called habituation.
You will get used to things, and you will forget your feelings with time.
Is habituation voluntary? No, but it comes if you prepare for it. It is like sleep; you do not know when it came, but you wake up with the sunlight wondering how you lost consciousness.
And suddenly you see that you have actually exhausted yourself completely: you have talked too much, explained too much, justified enough.
Then a moment comes, and you see that your energy has run out, so you stop talking and distance yourself from people and go to the nearest refuge to you and sit, content with yourself.
I am afraid that I will kill myself, and God will ask me on the Day of Resurrection:
“Oh My servant, have you despaired of My mercy?”
My advice to you
I don't have a sufficient answer to your questions, but depression may besiege you, there is no escape. If it besieges you, besiege it, and be the one in control of your life, and don't let depression control you.
Love
love
I just want to say that you are something that belongs to me, even the tone of your voice to me. "I want to be with you now, for distances and obligations to die. I wish I had a trick that would bring you to me or take me to you."
**Is she going to save my life?**
She is sweet, smart, funny, compassionate, authentic, and absolutely BEAUTIFUL --
like, stunning. We have spent hours and hours talking to each other every single day since we met...She literally changed my life and made me forget about the painful past I have. She was amazing. I couldn't think of anyone better to introduce me into the world of love and relationships. I want people to know that it's out there -- so don't give up if you feel like it's hopeless.
I WAS FREAKING HAPPY! If you're reading this, I love you. Thank you for being you.For me, it was realizing how comfortable I felt around her. I find myself feeling so much more at home around her than I do around others.
She always thinks she is not beautiful, and to be honest, I never fake my compliments. She was always so beautiful in my eyes. "I have looked at you in millions of ways, and I have loved you in each."
If you asked me about love, I would tell you how one person can change another person's life with just one message, just one word -- from nothingness to existence, from exhaustion to wellness. How it restores his lungs, his features, his laughter, and his desire to live more. Love is something closer to breathing life into a relationship in which one party is always striving to make it glow. There will come a day when, out of sheer exhaustion, he will extinguish it all at once. She made me want to talk about things I did not know about myself.
“Who said words don't do anything? They touch, they drown, they save, they warm, they make you fly, they expand, and sometimes they stick you to the ground to tear you apart.”
Love is to fall asleep reassured next to someone you are not afraid to see your fragility and how weak you are as you curl up next to them, taking refuge in their scent. Love that does not provide security is better off dying in its place, being extinguished, and becoming like a match that fell in the rain before it burned the forest. Love is to find you without having to call, for you to come before I wave.
Love is for your question to precede my tears and your voice to precede my need.
Love is for you to give because you want to, not because I want you to. Security in love is for you to feel someone protecting you with their heart before their hands.
Meaning that love is not forced, and you cannot force the other part to love you, and at the same time, you do not have control over your heart, so you fall in love against your will.
But the end is not always so happy. We had our problems like everyone else. We solve them, and we move on, and we have more, and then we do the same. I lie, and I apologize, I make mistakes, and she does too. We feel sorry, and we start again. Distance didn't stop us from doing what we like; nothing stopped us...
Until one day.... something is coming for me.... it looks scary... ugly thing... never happy... never good. A relentless beast, lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike.
It’s a shape-shifting monster. Dark and malevolent, it revels in chaos and destruction. It slithers like a dreadful shadow, relying on deceit and corruption to feed on the souls of people. Who is it?
It is CANCER...
Strength in suffering
You seem to be struggling, living a life with no future. Let's end it here.
You all know cancer. I was diagnosed with liver cancer. I don't know how to describe the pain, but it was so painful that sometimes I held my stomach at night and started crying so badly from the pain. I tried to hit my stomach hard, so the pain could stop, but it didn't work. I had to tie my stomach with a belt, so the pain could stop. Painkillers sometimes worked, sometimes not.
All I needed was a surgery to survive, which is so expensive for someone like me—jobless, no insurance, nothing. My friends tried to help, and they did; they gave everything they had, but it wasn't enough. Sometimes I had to starve myself to save up even a little. I could not work because I was so weak, and I was taking meds for the pain, which made me even weaker and more tired.
What made me lose hope more was seeing people I know and love, and who I trust, especially family who could actually help me a little, but they did not.it was hurting me inside. They have every right to do so, but it was painful to see them doing it while they knew that I needed money more than ever, but they only felt sorry for you…
It's important to remember that everyone's circumstances and understanding are different. Some people may not fully grasp the gravity of my situation or might feel unsure about how best to help.
Others may be dealing with their own challenges and might not be in a position to provide the support I need.It's their money, they earned it, and they have no obligation to give it to anybody else...
The reality of how people respond in times of crisis can be a tough pill to swallow.
I tried many things—asking for a loan, charities, GoFundMe, doctors, Treatment Centers do not do that kind of surgery.
many things you can imagine—but this is Asia: if you don't work, you don't have money, and if you don't have money, you die.
One of my family members all of the sudden stopped sending me money that they were giving me every month for a surgery .. funny isn't it?
Facing cancer alone can be incredibly challenging, both physically and emotionally.
It's essential to remember that I am not truly alone; there are many ways to find support and strength, even when it feels like I am on my own.
things like Support Network , Support Groups but you know me there is no way in hell i would do that ... talking i mean…
My attempts are over. I stopped fighting, threw away my weapons, and left the battlefield, because I realized that there is no battle for me, nor is the war my war, nor is your land my land, nor am I yours, and you are not mine. I messed with a country that is not mine.
A Love tasted by Fire
**Cancer isn't just cancer; it was a monster that took everything I love.**
All I want to say is I had to push her away from me, my madness, my illness, and my problems.
**WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?**
I had to. I can't make her see me in pain, crying, hopeless, depressed, a failure, sad. I didn't want to make her drown with me in my darkened world full of misery.
**BUT SHE IS GONNA SUPPORT YOU?**
I know she would, but I can't let her see the other face of me……….
**YOU MEAN THE MONSTER SON?**
Yes, maybe. You know those nightmares I had? The big reason I had them was that I was scared.
**ARE YOU SCARED NOW?**
Of course, I am scared. I'm scared to lose her, and I'm scared to hurt her.
**WHAT ABOUT CANCER? AREN'T YOU SCARED OF IT?**
Not really. Let's just put it on the blacklist.
**YOU MEAN WITH NIGHTMARES AND DEPRESSION, Etc….?**
YES...
—
**AREN'T YOU SCARED TO DIE BECAUSE IT IS SO DIFFERENT FROM
OTHERS; IT'S CANCER?**
To be honest, I'm not scared to die. I NEVER WAS. I'm in deep shit. I think I'm insane. That's why I'm talking to my conscience right now, or I'm talking to my head, and he is questioning me about every step or thought I have. Sometimes I start creating fake scenarios in my head just to make me happy. No one knows about this except me and my mind and YOU, DEAR READER, so keep it a secret for me, would you?
I'm going to hurt her with this, but I really have to. She deserves someone better, so much better than me, who will give her all the love she wants, but I can't. So I had to let her go, and it was painful.
I wrote you a letter saying that I miss you so much and that life without you is dull and everything is silent. I can no longer even get out of bed. But before I sent it, I remembered that you are fine without me,... I deleted the letter.
A small gesture can show you how important you are to someone or how insignificant your existence is. One situation distorts many things. It is one of the most tiring stages, the stage in which you discover that you are more alone than ever, and that with all your sadness you mean nothing to the world.
But I lost her, and she was the greatest thing I had...
Final Stand
Fi
**Fighting Alone**
**"CANCER":**
We are finally alone. You and I... Finally, I am alone with you...
And I own you... And I own your soul and your body. No one is with you now. You are completely alone. No one supports you now. I'm going to kill you slowly and make you feel the worst pain ever. Get ready...
Do you really think I'll stop fighting and just give up because I am ill?
Well, I think you don't know me very well. Let me tell you a little then……
I fought my nightmares, depression, sadness, deadly thoughts, loneliness, overthinking, all kinds of pain, personal, familial, and social worries, life setbacks, and my failure in everything—study, work, friendships, and love. I fought all of this alone. I did not need anyone, neither a friend nor a psychiatrist nor a lover. Talking to someone about this is a mess, and believe me, talking does not help me at all.
So if you are reading this, I am sorry I did not talk to you.
So you think the game is over for me? Nah.
I know my thoughts will kill me alone in the dark—maybe my nightmares too, my sadness, and finally my cancer. Haha. Oh, my dear poor Hyun, I'm sorry you have to deal with this all alone in your 20s. Please forgive me, but this is out of my hands. All I can do is get rid of the bad thoughts, overthinking, and depression because I learned how to do it alone for you, dear Hyun. I wish I could get rid of this monster cancer and let you live the best life you want. I just wish I could make you proud, my dear Hyun. I really wish I could make your dreams come true. I'm smoking and crying while I am writing this……
Dad, Mom, I'm sorry I did not make you happy and proud of me. I'm sorry I did not make you see me the way you wanted.
I am really tired of everything, so dear Hyun, you need to take a long break from all of this. Let's go to some Vietnamese islands and stay away from people and everything, and let's hope I can get maybe some magic treatment for cancer. I hope…
To anyone reading this, know that you are not alone. Your struggles are valid, and your story is worth telling. Embrace the moments of joy, no matter how small, and hold on to hope.
Remember, every ending is just the start of a new beginning. Keep fighting, keep loving, and never lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. You still haven’t experienced all of your happiest moments.
I’ve learned a lot from being depressed in the past. But, one important thing stands out to me the most. How easily I was able to hide it.
Most of what other people do is about them, not you. Read it again.
Don't be like me dont choose silence There are many reasons why someone might choose silence over discussing their problems:
1. Fear of Judgment: People may worry about being judged or misunderstood if they share their problems.
2. Protecting Others: They might want to avoid burdening others with their issues, especially if they believe those around them are already dealing with their own challenges.
So instead of talking to people, I'll listen to people. I first listened to see if they were worth talking to but I found out that my brain is much bigger than them ……
I discovered a lot of people are idiots. Lol. They talk just to hear their own voice.
They make inane comments. They make racist or sexist comments. I am more discerning than that. You talk about your problems, they listen and then they feel sorry and then what ?
Sometimes I look at people who thrive on attention and group situations and I think: "are they really that desperate for attention? Can they really not stand to be by themselves? "
But then I remember, we are all different and all to be celebrated-we all have our own ways and that's just fine You don’t want to interact with them because it tires you. So your brain tells you to just stay quiet.
For you talking is normal and helps you but for me it is not.
I chose Quiet Personality: I tend to be quiet and silent by nature, and I prefer to express my thoughts and feelings in other ways.
"The best words are those that are concise and meaningful, without being long and tiresome.".
"A silent person is someone who used to care, blame, and react... but after enduring for a long time, saw no benefit in all of this... So I decided on silence and indifference. Silence is not a nature... Rather, it is a result, a reaction, a kind of resistance. Meaning...!! That every person whose heart has burned out becomes resistant to the world with coldness and silence."
How can I explain to you that I am tired of the road, of people, of dreams, of my caution, hesitation, and helplessness, and tired also of tomorrow which has not come yet, of yesterday which is over, of days, promises, patience, and long-suffering, of reason, deliberation, and anger, without you feeling that I am exaggerating?..............So I chose silence because it works for me ……..
As you turn the last page of this journey, take a moment to reflect on your own path. Life is a tapestry woven with threads of joy and sorrow, love and loss, strength and vulnerability. Embrace your experiences, both the triumphs and the tribulations, for they shape who you are. Remember, it’s okay to face darkness and to seek help when needed. Find solace in knowing you are not alone—there is strength in vulnerability and wisdom in resilience. Cherish the moments of love and connection, and never cease to fight for your well-being. In the silence, find your voice, and let your story inspire others to keep moving forward, no matter the obstacles.
Dear reader, you made it to the end. I thank you for every word you have read.
Thank you for walking this path with me. I hope I didn't make you feel bad ; that was not my intention. I just wanted to share this journey with you to let people know who Hyun is.
**AM I A REAL MONSTER? OR DID I MAKE MYSELF ONE?**
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