Introducing Day 3, Week 1
Welcome to day 3. Just so that you are totally aware before we begin, today is all about telling you more stuff that I recommend that you stop doing. It’s more groundwork stuff, and at the moment is just breaking you down still, to build you back up later. I’m afraid that we’ve got to make sure that we’ve banished the negative stuff before we can get to the positive stuff. Tomorrow is more of the same as well too, but we’ll get all the really bad ones done today, so at least tomorrow you know that you may get to feel a bit lighter. Before I start bashing you about again though let’s revisit yesterday to see how you did.
Summarizing what we learnt yesterday
Now, in a moment I’ll ask you lots of questions about how you got on yesterday. When I ask you the questions though I’d like you to pause for a second to think about your answer – and be honest with yourself. Whatever you do – you can’t let this stuff go in one of your ears and out of the other quicker than you can say ‘gibberteyflibert’. Nope, you've got to keep doing this stuff, every day, without fail, you've got to make all of these things you’re being told to do or to stop doing your mission, and you've got to not stop until you're doing all of these things the whole time, no excuses. There's a lot to remember, I’ll give you that, but that’s why there’s quite a bit of repetition, it’s just a good way to ensure that it enters your head. Sooner or later though it should all come to you perfectly naturally, and you’ll just do these things without thinking. Let’s quit waffling and get looking at how you’ve got on.
So, did you go near any arguments with your partner yesterday? If you did were you able to stop yourself from arguing? If you did then that’s excellent. If you couldn’t stop yourself then try starting! And remember that you shouldn’t be telling your partner that she’s wrong, show her some respect.
If you were wrong about something did you admit it? If so well done. But did you do so quickly?
And how did you get on with criticism? Hopefully you didn’t do any criticizing of anything, you didn’t condemn anyone and you haven’t been a whingey old complainer.
How has your anger management gone? Were you calmer yesterday?
Were you pleasant to your partner yesterday? Did you say anything nasty? Did you put your partner down at all? And did you manage to keep negative stuff about sex out of the conversation? If not okay, just work on it again today please.
How did you get on remembering that this getting more sex lark is going to take work? And did you remember that sex in your relationship isn’t just a given, that it isn’t your natural right?
How is your jealousy doing? If indeed you are a jealous person. Did you manage to keep any jealous feelings under control?
Did your partner talk with you about her body yesterday? If so was she negative about it? Did she criticize her body? What did you do? What did you say? Hopefully you didn’t fuel her concerns by making negative comments?
Did you try to get any sex yesterday? I’m kind of hoping that you are taking my advice and are just leaving it be for the moment, but if you did try and you got rejected how did you do afterwards? Were you okay with your partner about it? Were you just normal you afterwards about it? No closing down and no punishing remember.
And did the opportunity for lying come up yesterday? If it did were you able to nip it in the bud before you spun more lies?
How did you get on taming the inner control freak? Did he try and come to the surface? If so how did you do? Did you remember to think to yourself “does it really, really need to be done my way? Does it really matter?”
And finally – did you try and ‘pursue’ your partner for sex? I’m hoping not. It’s too early at the moment if you did. Please consider taking the suggestion that you just don’t try and get any at the moment.
Phew. Okay, let’s get on with today’s topics…
Women are different from men!
First up – please know that not all affection and attention that your partner shows to you, ie if she's cuddling up with you in bed on a morning, will mean that she wants sex with you, if you are taking each of these interactions as “my partner wants a cuddle this must mean that she wants sex” then stop it - because if you keep trying to initiate sex each time she cuddles in, for example, then all you are going to condition her to do is to stop cuddling in with you, because she knows that it will only mean one thing - that you'll try and initiate sex. All she may want is some physical affection with you, not full sex! She is going to feel emotionally violated if you only touch her when you want sex. If you are doing this and you are getting rejected more often than not, then this is clearly a strategy that isn’t working!
Change your thinking on what your partner wanting affection is – ie it’s just part of the flirting process and it all helps to get you closer to what you’re aiming for. There’s a danger that by putting her off all physical affection with you it may mean that you'll lose that vital ability to connect in that way. We’ll get to how important connecting is in later days.
Can I suggest that you try this instead…
For once cuddle or kiss for no reason and without it having to lead to sex, start touching, get tactile
Give her a massage without it leading to sex for once, let her know that you’d just like to have some contact with her, perhaps even let her know that you won’t try it on
Give your partner affection and touch just for the sake of staying in contact, that’s regular, day to day touching, not just when you want to get her into bed, start touching more often, build it up slowly, kiss her more often, hold her hand more often
Don’t always try and take it that one step further, don’t always try to initiate sex immediately afterwards, mix it up a bit. If this is frustrating then bear with it, know that things will improve
Your goal here is to get your partner out of this conditioning, out of the downward spiral. Instead of her thinking “oh no, he's trying to have sex with me again” when you touch her you are looking to retrain her head to think “oh yummy, that feels nice” instead. The more that you stay in contact with your partner in a non-sexual way, ie through normal touching contact, the more that she will be receptive to you when you want to be in contact with her in a sexual way.
An affair is not the answer, be faithful and trustworthy
If you are so dissatisfied with your sexual relationship that you are thinking about leaving your partner and / or having an affair then stop thinking that way right now. With a little bit of commitment and hard work something can be done about the situation. Make a conscious decision to do something about it instead, you've taken a great first step by simply buying this course and making a start on it. An affair or divorce is definitely the worst solution to the current issues that you may be facing. Think twice before throwing it all away and especially if you have children. An affair may sort some of your own short term problems, ie it may well get you a whole load of really great sex, but it will only bring long term problems.
From here on in this course makes the assumption that you are an honest and trustworthy individual and that you are being faithful to your partner. If you aren't, then I’ll hazard a guess that you are pretty unlikely to be navigating your way through this course anyway. But if you are being unfaithful then you need to sort this out, work out what you want and quickly. I really don’t think I need to tell you why again, but just incase you are really, REALLY stupid I’ll waste 10 seconds of the sensible reader’s lives and tell you:
This is not going to help you get more sex with your partner.
Affairs tend to be instant relationship killers (said really sarcastically).
If you pass an STI on to your partner, then that’s really going to seal the deal, and guess what – it isn’t nice or fair either.
Keep going with this course, work hard on getting to where you want to be and things will improve. Have a slap in the face, you are very stupid, then go sort it. And now, let’s move on.
Watch the office flirting
Likewise - watch your office flirting – don’t let it go one step too far - this may sound over the top and very, very obvious – but you really need to ensure that you observe a “look but don’t touch rule” and that you stick with it. Fair enough, that girl at work may make you feel younger, brighter, funnier and sexier, especially when goings on at home make you feel bored, taken for granted, or pushed out - but there’s a danger that by doing this at work that you tip the balance too far the wrong way and the passion and sparkle that once existed at home simply starts to trickle away. Instead:
Build your self-esteem: blokes will often have an affair just to feel better about themselves. Short term this will feel great and the sex may be mind blowing, that I grant you, but long term this is really not a good strategy. It’s a painful, expensive horrible strategy, especially if you have children.
Face issues when they occur: instead of using office flirting and an affair as a way of avoiding problems at home - deal with them - talk with your partner, put your energies into planning a riotous affair with your partner instead, use the “flirting with your partner” tips later on in the course to channel your flirting into your beloved instead, meet her in a bar after work, use a different name with each other, pretend that you've just met, send each other saucy texts or e-mails at work.
Egotistical maniac
Quit being an egotistical maniac - it's quite simply not attractive to a woman. If you are one of these you’ll know. If you aren’t then forget this one and move on, you’re ok.
Answer the question
If there is something that is concerning your partner, or if she’s asking you a direct question, ie “shall we invite (insert name of close friends) over for dinner on Friday or Saturday?”, then you need to stop what you’ve possibly been doing for a jolly long time and just shrugging and say “whatever” (or words to that effect). These sorts of words exiting your partners mouth are clearly a question that she wants a proper response to. Start realising please that if it’s important to your partner then you need to give it some of your time, in other words I want you to start showing respect for your partner’s needs. Please believe me when I tell you that if you don’t then this isn’t going to help you magically turn your partner into a sex crazed lunatic who wants to leap on you as soon as the kids have gone to bed.
Likewise if you are constantly getting the “are you okay?”, “is something wrong?”, “what’s the matter?” type questions - then you need to know two things:
Stop thinking that your partner can read your mind and know exactly what you are thinking, sometimes you need to open up and be, tactfully, honest with your partner.
Secondly - go careful with your response to your partner – think before you blurt out the first answer that arrives in your head (which is probably something like “aaaahhhhhh, leave me alone”). Why? Well, your partner could easily take what you say totally the wrong way. All that your partner is looking for is some kind of reassurance that you are alright.
Women are totally different from men (I do know that you really don’t need me to tell you that, so bear with me), so if you don’t answer it properly and just brush it off then you may find that your partner takes it totally the wrong way and thinks that you want out of the relationship (there’s a whole load of mad complicated reasons in here as to why, but I’m quite sure you will probably just want the facts and won’t want to be bored with the science). Instead be open and honest, if you don’t want to talk about it right there and then then just say that (do it nicely though, for goodness sake), ie , if it’s just that you want 5 minutes on your own or if you’ve got a stomper headache or works been rubbish that day. If you don’t give your partner an answer that she will be satisfied with, ie a plausible one that is said nicely and calmly, then your partner will more than likely immediately have concern about your relationship and she will rapidly go into a downward spiral until you snap her out of it by explaining what’s going on with you. And again, and I’m not going to apologise for keeping on coming back to the subject of the course – this isn’t going to help you get more sex. In summary - keep talking, answer her honestly and keep the romantic connection going. This strategy will pay off in the long term.
Does my bum look big in this?
I’m fairly sure that at some time or another your partner may have asked you questions like: “does my bum look big in this?”, “do you think my hair looks ok?” or “shall I cut my hair?”. If you get questions like this then you only need to remember one thing; stop and think about what you are going to say before you say it. Why? Because questions like these are important to your partner and its going to be very easy to upset your partner with an ill thought out comment.
There are lots of possible answers to lots of different types of question, we can’t possibly list all possible nice alternatives here, so instead remember these golden rules:
Your response needs to be nice and it needs to be diplomatic.
You cannot just brush the question off with a “no dear”, or a “yes dear”, you have to be giving a decent response.
Think how your partner may react to what you are about to say before you say it, but don’t hesitate too long before you say it, that can be taken the wrong way (I did warn you that this stuff wasn’t going to be easy!).
It’s that time of the month
If you are asking your partner the “are you having a period?”, “is this your time of the month?”, “are you PMS'ing?” type questions, and (even worse) you’re asking the question in an accusatory way, then, again, and I’m quite sure that I really don’t need to tell you this - but it really won’t help your cause! Instead, stop, and simply don’t ask that type of dumb ass question. Why?:
To help you get to where you want to be you need to try and be sympathetic to something that you just won’t ever be able to understand because it will never happen to you (and be glad of that fact please).
Having a period will be something that your partner has to go through that will range from either mildly inconvenient, right through to totally debilitating. So give your partner compassion and space when she is having her period. Tread carefully, be sensitive and keep a smile on your face.
Its only once a month.
Don’t be a doormat
Do I really need to define for you what a doormat is? Ok then, in summary you are a doormat if you are an insecure twerp who gets walked all over by everyone, including your partner. If it’s just that you are purposefully trying to avoid conflict with your partner and are therefore letting your partner make all the decisions (which by the way can come across as her being really controlling), then make sure that you’ve got a healthy balance in the relationship, don’t get walked all over. Your partner may also be really fed up with the fact that you just say “yes whatever dear” to everything that she suggests. Guess what I’m going say…. this will more than likely turn your partner off of you and will be a totally unattractive quality to her. Quit being insecure, it’s only a state of mind, you can switch it off, or just fake it till you make it – find a happy balance, and quit being Mr. Doormat, stand up for yourself.
Control and manipulation
Are you concerned that your partner seems to be nagging you a lot, and trying to control and manipulate you and / or particular situations? I’d like you to take a step back from these each time they occur please. Think about what your partner is asking or requesting of you from her point of view. It’s the general nature of women to want to make things better - so try and put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself why it is that she is doing what it is that she is doing. Is her behaviour actually something loving that she wants to do for you both? Is she only trying to create a good situation, a good place for you both to live or a good environment? If you truly put yourself in her shoes it may help you to understand why she appears to be coming across as controlling and manipulating. Once you are in her shoes ask yourself what her true intentions might be in what she’s asking. Instead of seeing her as controlling and manipulating you may see her as caring and enthusiastic instead.
Think about your behaviour
Likewise men do their own form of nagging, also called controlling, so at the same time as you are thinking over the above points I’d like to go have a think about your own behaviour as well please. If you are doing anything that could be considered as trying to control your partner then be jolly careful about what you are doing as it will more than likely be putting your partner off, and that’s off of you, sex won’t even come into the equation.
Quit the attempts to “conquer” your partner, and instead respect and love her. To get more sex you need to be making your partner feel good about herself, not making her feel inferior, quit putting her down. Take a few moments to mull the following round in your head please:
Do you always have to be in control?
Do you always have to be right?
Do you always have to do all of the talking?
Resentment
Resentment can go both ways, your resentment for something that your partner is doing, or her resentment towards you for something that you are doing. A quick ten seconds on what resentment is incase you need an explanation of the word; its defined as “the experience of a negative emotion (anger, spite, bitterness or hatred, for example) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.” That's quite a mouthful but hopefully you get the drift.
Now, you can follow all of these tips to the letter but if your partner has any resentment towards you, or indeed if she picks up on any resentment that you may have towards her, then it’s not going to be quite as simple to get your partner into the right place for sex, the resentments will overrule a lot of the stuff that you do. If you’re not both openly voicing your concerns then its going to come out in the tone of your voice, how you speak to and how you act with your partner, etc.
What to do? Okay, well - if you are resenting your partner for something then the only sensible thing to do is to talk with your partner about the issue and to clear the air. I’d suggest reading the "General tips for when talking to your partner about sex" section in the “Talking about sex with your partner” appendix for tips on how to approach such a conversation. This will help you to communicate in a nice, pleasant way that isn’t going to make things worse. When you are talking with her aim to be making a plan with your partner on how to reduce the issue. Let’s look at some examples…
You might be concerned about your partners spending habits – you think she might be going out and spending too much money on clothes at the weekend. If this is the case then you need to explain your concerns to her and agree a plan on how you can reach an agreement that you are both happy with.
Or perhaps you resent your partner because you think that she is really controlling? If so then you need to talk this through with her to understand what the underlying issue could be.
Perhaps you disagree about some element of bringing up your children? Maybe your partner isn’t backing up a rule that you are trying to implement or vice versa? You've just got talk this kind of thing through.
Likewise if it’s possible that your partner resents you for something then you need to take a good look at the possible issues that may be upsetting your partner. You should be able to pick up on what any issues may be fairly easily, if you can’t then go take a look at the communication between you both, if the communication in your relationship is good then your partner will more than likely be happy to voice any concerns she may have. It could be as simple as asking your partner if there is anything that she'd like to change about you, this is a difficult question to ask, and some difficult stuff could come out, I grant you, but it’s not an offensive question and its nice and direct, so any answers should get you straight to the root of any underlying issues, so you can work on them.
Below is a speedy summary of some good communication tips for you both:
Start by becoming a better listener. We'll get to that in later days.
When your partner is sharing an opinion, a belief or a feeling, then it is her feeling and she is entitled to it. Don't put that opinion down.
Being a successful couple is not a win-lose game where one person has to give in. Being in a successful relationship means that neither of you is completely right, nor completely wrong.
Put into words how a behaviour that your partner has towards you is causing you a problem, explain how it is creating a problem for you and request, nicely, that your partner do something to change the situation.
Don’t keep stuff from her
Don’t keep stuff from your partner, where’s the fear in telling her everything (to a degree! - I'm talking about the emotional hopes, fears, dreams, ups and downs stuff here, not the inner depraved content of your filthy mind). If you keep stuff from your partner it will make her feel disconnected and will feel to her like you are closing down on her - which really won’t help in getting you more sex.
Who to put first?
Watch out that you aren’t putting your children before your relationship with your partner. It would be madness to risk a happy and healthy relationship with your partner for the sake of being politically correct, or giving into your guilt and spending a whole load of time with your children. Your partner needs your time too, and by spending time with your partner and keeping your relationship happy, healthy and above all together, then you are doing something good for your children anyway.
If you are looking to find more time with your partner and you've got young children then start by examining what time they go to bed on a night? Get some advice on what’s normal for your children’s ages, or check with other parents to ask what time they send their children to bed. If they are going to bed quite late then perhaps there’s room to get them up to bed earlier, even if they are just playing on their own or reading books quietly in their rooms. Make sure that they know that “Mummy and Daddy aren’t to be disturbed unless there’s an emergency”. You may even need to define what an emergency is for them. Let’s suppose that your children get up at 7am, and they don’t go up to bed until 9pm, and that you and your partner go to bed at 10pm, that’s 14 hours that your children have of your time, and just 1 hour that your partner has just the two of you. Now I think I can fairly safely say that if your partner has had children constantly at her feet all day then it’s going to be pretty tricky to get her into the right place for sex in that one final hour of the day.
A final note on this subject before we move on, and I’ll apologise now if this seems really, really obvious, but if you’ve got children and they sleep in your bed a lot then you and your partner need to start work on a plan to get them out of your bed sooner rather than later, I am sure that you don’t need me to tell you that there’s not going to be a huge amount of spontaneity between you both otherwise!
Are you in the mood?
As you will learn when we get to the section on what you need to do each time you want sex, you getting more has a lot to do with how you approach the process. So with that in mind please stop asking your partner if she is “in the mood?”, this is not an effective seduction strategy, and is only your feeble attempt to shortcut the required process, sorry chaps! In life in general there are few shortcuts to any place worth going, and that includes sex (unless you happen to be stupidly rich and single, or stupidly famous and single, or in what is popularly termed the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship). Instead you need to do the hard work, ie the required work to get her in the mood.
We will absolutely get to specifics – but here I only want to introduce a really important concept… if you seduce your partners mind then the rest, ie actu