bitterly disappointed in many ways, very likely in me as well. My
unfortunate, misunderstood temperament led me to be shy and
secretive, and I was often ailing, and my training was not
calculated to improve matters. At last, however, change and
freedom came, and I was sent to a boarding-school.
Here, of
course, I soon met with attachments and gratifications with other
boys. I arrived at puberty, and my health improved under happier
surroundings. I was not long in discovering that my companions
viewed the pleasures that meant so much to me from an entirely
different standpoint. Their gratifications were usually
accompanied by conversation about, and a general direction of
thought toward, females. When I had turned 15, owing to monetary
difficulties I was obliged to leave school, and was soon not only
thrown on my own resources, but accountable to no one but myself
for my conduct. Of course, my next discovery was that my case, so
far from being peculiar, was a most common one, and I was quickly
initiated into all the mysteries of inversion, with its
freemasonry and 'argot.' Altogether my experience of inverts has
been a pretty wide and varied one, and I have always endeavored
to classify and compare cases which have come under my notice
with a view to arriving at some sort of conclusion or
explanation.
"I suppose it is due to female versatility or impressibility that
it is possible for me to experience mentally the emotions
attributable to either sex, according to the age and temperament
of my companion; for instance, with one older than myself,
possessing well-marked male characteristics, I am able to feel
all that surrender and dependence which is so essentially
feminine. On the other hand, if with a youth of feminine type and
behavior I can realize, with an equal amount of pleasure, the
tender, yet dominant, attitude of the male.
"I experience no particular 'horror' of women sexually. I should
imagine that my feeling toward them resembles very much what
normal people feel with regard to others of their own sex." M.N.
remarks that he cannot whistle, and that his favorite color is
green.
In this case the subject easily found a moral _modus vivendi_ with his
inverted instinct, and he takes its gratification for granted. In the
following case, which, I believe, is typical of a large group, the subject
has never yielded to his inverted impulses, and, except so far as
masturbation is concerned, has preserved strict chastity.
HISTORY IX.--R.S., aged 31, American of French descent. "Upon the
question of heredity I may say that I belong to a reasonably
healthy, prolific, and long-lived family. On my father's side,
however, there is a tendency toward pulmonary troubles. He
himself died of pneumonia, and two of his brothers and a nephew
of consumption. Neither of my parents were morbid or eccentric.
Excepting for a certain shyness with strangers, my father was a
very masculine man. My mother is somewhat nervous, but is not
imaginative, nor at all demonstrative in her affections. I think
that my own imaginative and artistic temperament must come from
my father's side. Perhaps my French ancestry has something to do
with it. With the exception of my maternal grandfather, all my
progenitors have been of French descent. My mother's father was
English.
"I possess a mercurial temperament and a strong sense of the
ludicrous. Though my _physique_ is slight, my health has always
been excellent. Of late years especially I have been greatly
given to introspection and self-scrutiny, but have never had any
hallucinations, mental delusions, nor hysterics, and am not at
all superstitious. Spiritualistic manifestations, hypnotic
dabblings, and the other psychical fads of the day have little or
no attraction for me. In fact, I have always been skeptical of
them, and they rather bore me.
"At school I was an indolent, dreamy boy, shirking study, but
otherwise fairly docile to my teachers. From earliest childhood I
have indulged in omnivorous taste for reading, my particular
likings being for travels, esthetics, metaphysical and
theological subjects, and more recently for poetry and certain
forms of mysticism. I never cared much for history or for
scientific subjects. From the beginning, too, I showed a strong
artistic bent, and possessed an overpowering love for all things
beautiful. As a child I was passionately fond of flowers, loved
to be in the woods and alone, and wanted to become an artist. My
parents opposed the latter wish and I gave way before their
opposition.
"In me the homosexual nature is singularly complete, and is
undoubtedly congenital. The most intense delight of my childhood
(even when a tiny boy in a nurse's charge) was to watch acrobats
and riders at the circus. This was not so much for the skillful
feats as on account of the beauty of their persons.
Even then I
cared chiefly for the more lithe and graceful fellows. People
told me that circus actors were wicked, and would steal little
boys, and so I came to look upon my favorites as half-devil and
half-angel. When I was older and could go about alone, I would
often hang around the tents of travelling shows in hope of
catching a glimpse of the actors. I longed to see them naked,
without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of
them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain
bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on
account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up
to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a
breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these
reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or
knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then
(as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by
the men.
"I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in
swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were
extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt
about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth
or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of
bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless
stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of
whom was especially my dear chum.
"It was always the _prince_, in fairy tales, who held my interest
or affection. I was constantly falling in love with handsome boys
whom I never knew; nor did I ever try to mix in their company,
for I was abashed before them, and had no liking nor aptitude for
boyish games. Sometimes I played with girls because they were
more quiet and gentler, but I cared for them little or not at
all.
"As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any
sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively
from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My
elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was
wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good'
kept me from
learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to
boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading
initiations administered by knowing boys at such institutions.
"In spite of what has been said above, I do not believe that I
was sexually very precocious, and even now I feel that more
pleasure would ensue from merely contemplating than from personal
contact with the object of my amorous attentions.
"As I grew older there came, of course, an undefined physical
longing, but it was the _beauty_ of those I admired which mainly
appealed to me. At the time of puberty I spontaneously acquired
the habit of masturbation. Once while bathing I found that a
pleasant feeling came with touching the sexual organs. It was not
long before I was confirmed in the habit. At first I practised it
but seldom, but afterward much more frequently (say, once a
week), though at times months have elapsed without any
indulgences on my part. I have only had erotic dreams three or
four times in my life. The masturbation habit I regard as
morally reprehensible and have made many resolutions to break it,
but without avail. It affords me only the most momentary
satisfaction, and is always followed by remorseful scruples.
"I have never in my life had any sexual feeling for a woman, nor
any sexual connection with any woman whatsoever. The very thought
of such a thing is excessively repugnant and disgusting to me.
This is true, apart from any moral considerations, and I do not
think I could bring myself to it. I am not attracted by young
women in any way. Even their physical beauty has little or no
charm for me, and I often wonder how men can be so affected by
it. On the other hand, I am not a woman-hater, and have several
strong friends of the opposite sex. They are, however, women
older than myself, and our friendship is based solely on certain
intellectual or esthetic tastes we have in common.
"I have had practically no physical relations with men; at any
rate, none specifically sexual. Once, when about 19
or 21, I
started to embrace a beautifully formed youth with whom I was
sleeping, but timidity and scruples got the better of my
feelings, and, as my bedfellow was not amorously inclined toward
me, nothing came of it. A few years after this I became strongly
attached to a friend whom I had already known for several years.
Circumstances threw us very much together during one summer. It
was now that I felt for the first time the full shock of love. He
returned my affection, but both of us were shy of showing our
feelings or speaking of them. Often when walking together after
night-fall we would put our arms about each other.
Sometimes,
too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my
friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He
frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to
fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us
had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart
from what I have related above, we had no further contact with
each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed
my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my
naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite
strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr.
Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled
with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full consciousness of my inverted nature.
"About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in
a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a
strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome
face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather
undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends.
"We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to
leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness
and depression. A few months after we spent a vacation together.
One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the
same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he
seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about
him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden,
however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to
restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw
him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions.
Until I had
seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical
character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by
embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely
no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded
fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I
was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very
unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl
whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years
ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for
him have cooled considerably.
"I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate
tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even)
think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen
in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to
tell them.
"Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell
into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending
of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be
loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it
was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I
began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman
Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to
remain one by conviction.
"From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I
have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average
pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting
the premises) these conclusions are both logically and
theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise
resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the
Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be
better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's
naked, brooding boy.
"While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral
disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I
feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization
would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather
than from closer joys.
"I possess only a slight knowledge of the history and particulars
of erotic mysticism, but it is likely that my notions are neither
new nor peculiar, and many utterances of the few mystical writers
with whose works I am acquainted seem substantially in accord
with my own longings and conclusions. In endeavoring to find for
them some sanction of valid authority, I have always sought
corroboration from members of my own sex; hence am less likely to
have fashioned my views after those of
hypersensitive or
hysterical women.
"You will rightly infer that it is difficult for me to say
exactly how I regard (morally) the homosexual tendency. Of this
much, however, I am certain, that, even, if it were possible, I
would not exchange my inverted nature for a normal one. I suspect
that the sexual emotions and even inverted ones have a more
subtle significance than is generally attributed to them; but
modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to
solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply.
"Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has
hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither
the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the
Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the
medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The
chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration
for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks.
"I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such
beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of
greater value, but physical beauty I _see_ more clearly, and it
appears to me the most _vivid_ (if not the most perfect)
manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps,
reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I
happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a
house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The
sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that
his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me
feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege.
It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another
outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find
that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and
more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and
loving heart are the realities whose reflections only we see in
this cave of shadows. Since the birth and development within me
of what, for lack of a better name, I term my homosexualized
Patmorean ideal, life has become, in the main, a weary business.
I am not despondent, however, because many things still hold for
me a certain interest. When that interest dies down, as it is
wont from time to time, I endeavor to be patient.
God grant that,
after the end _here_, I may be drawn from the shadow, and
seemingly vain imaginings into the possession of their
never-ending reality _hereafter_."
HISTORY X.--A.H., aged 62. Belongs to a family which cannot be
regarded as healthy, but there is no insanity among near
relations. Father a very virile man of high character and good
intelligence, but not sound physical health. Mother was
high-strung and nervous, but possessed of indomitable courage and
very affectionate; she lived very happily with her husband. She
became a chronic invalid and died of consumption.
A.H. was a
seven months' child, the third in the family, who were born very
rapidly, so that there is only three years difference in the ages
of the first and third children. A.H. believes that one of his
brothers, who has never married and prefers men to women, is also
inverted, though not to the same degree as himself, and he also
suspects that a relation of his mother's may have been an invert.
Sister, who resembles the father in character, is married, but is
spoken of as a woman's woman rather than a man's woman. The
family generally are considered proud and reserved, but of
superior mental endowment.
In early life A.H. was delicate and his studies were often
interrupted by illness. Though living under happy conditions he
was shy and nervous, often depressed. In later life his health
has been up to the average, and he has usually been able to
conceal his mental doubts and diffidence.
As a child he played with dolls and made girls his companions
until an age when he grew conscious that his conduct was unusual
and became ashamed, while his father seemed troubled about him.
He regards himself as having been a very childish child.
His conscious sexual life began between the ages of 8 and 10. He
was playing in the garden when he saw a manservant who had long
been with the family, standing at the door of a shed with his
penis exposed and erect. The boy had never seen anything of the
kind before, but felt great delight in the exhibition and moved
shyly toward the man, who retreated into the shed.
The boy
followed and was allowed to caress and play with the penis until
ejaculation took place, the man replying, in reply to the child's
innocent inquiries, that it "felt good." This experience was
frequently repeated with the same man, and the boy confided in a
boy friend, with whom he tried to ascertain by personal
experience what the "good feeling" was like, but they were too
young to derive any pleasure from the attempt beyond the joy of
what was instinctively felt to be "eating forbidden fruit."
From this period his sexual tendencies began to become fixed and
self-conscious. He has never at any period of life had a moment's
conscious sexual attraction toward a person of the opposite sex.
His warmest friendships have, indeed, been with women and much,
perhaps most, of the happiness he has enjoyed has been furnished
by those friendships. But passion has only been aroused by
persons of his own sex, generally by men much younger than
himself. He feels shy and uncomfortable in the presence of men
of his own age. But even at his present age, a touch of a man or
boy may cause the liveliest gratification.
Shortly after the incident in boyhood, already narrated, A.H.
induced a little boy companion to go to a quiet spot, where, at
A.H.'s suggestion, each placed the other's penis in his mouth by
turns. A.H. had never heard of such a proceeding. It was a
natural instinct. He began to masturbate at an early age. But he
soon found a companion to share his passion. An older man,
especially, married and with a family, became his accomplice on
every possible opportunity, and they would manipulate each other.
At the age of 21, _fellatio_ began to be practised with this man.
It became a lifelong practice, and the preferred method of sexual
gratification. He likes best to have it performed on himself, but
he has never asked anyone to do for him what he would not himself
do for the other if desired. There has never been _pedicatio_.
The penis, it may be added, is of good size, and the testicles
rather large.
No one has ever suspected A.H.'s sexual perversion, not even his
physician, with whom he has long had a close friendship, until at
a time of great mental distress A.H. voluntarily revealed his
state. He is accustomed to refined society, has always read much,
abhorred athletic pursuits, and loved poetry, children, and
flowers. His love of nature amounts, indeed, to a passion.
Wherever he has been he has made friends among the best people.
He confesses to occasional periods of addiction to intoxicants,
induced by sociable companionship, and only controlled by force
of will.
For business he has not the slightest aptitude, and cannot look
after his own affairs. He is always dreading poverty and
destitution. He believes, however, that he passes among his
friends as fairly capable.
He considers that inversion is natural in his case and that he
has a perfect right to gratify his own natural instincts, though
he also admits they may be vices. He has never sought to
influence an innocent person toward his own tendencies.
HISTORY XI.--T.D., knows of nothing abnormal in his ancestry. His
brother has homosexual tendencies, but is also attracted to
women. A sister, who is very religious, states that she has
little or no sexual inclinations. They were all of a dreamy
disposition when young, to the disgust of their teachers. He sent
the following account of himself from the University at the age
of 20:--
"When I was a child (before I went to school at 9),"
he writes,
"I was already of an affectionate disposition, an affection
turned readily to either sex. No boy was the cause of my
inclinations, which were quite