Outcomes
Leadership is getting someone to do
what they don't want to do, to achieve
what they want to achieve
Tom Landry
I started The Intentional Parent emphasizing the importance of “thinking about thinking,” (as well as “thinking about doing”) and that is the point we come back to here. The first step in evaluating your performance as a parent is to think about that performance and whether or not it matches your self imposed expectations. Human beings can have a very difficult time doing that. People’s tendencies run from being overly critical of themselves, (i.e. “I will never be the parent I want to be.”) to being blissfully unaware of the interplay between their behavior and the behavior of their children. So how do you know if you are being too self critical or not critical enough. Well, the first thing that should clue you in is what other people are telling you about your kids.
If parents, teachers and other significant people are praising the behavior of your kids, then chances are you are doing a good job.
If, on the other hand people are telling you about incidences your kids are having in school, in social settings, and in places where respect for authority is a priority, then you simply have to ask yourself if (1) your child’s temperament is so difficult that outside coaching from a behavioral expert is something you should consider, or (2) whether you are putting enough emphasis on being an effective leader.
One of the reasons why I have tried to create a structured approach to parenting is to help people evaluate their performance. Here are eight simple questions you might want to ask yourself (all connected to concepts in this book/program) to determine whether you are hitting your leadership stride?
• Am I giving in to unreasonable demands from my children, just because that is the only way I can control them?
• Am I providing good models for respect?
• Am I providing good models for conflict resolution?
• Am I providing good models for emotional control?
• Am I providing good models for controlling bad habits (like eating).
• Am I afraid of my kids?
• Do I rely more on praise or criticism to re-direct my kid’s behavior?
• Do the kids control the emotional climate of the home, or do I?
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What if you don’t like the answers you are coming up with? If that is the case, choose one behavior, any behavior that you would like to see change, in yourself as a parent and leader, and try to create improvement in that area . See what I am saying here? Challenge yourself to become a better leader, don’t give yourself a homework assignment that requires some performance increase on the part of your kids. The challenge is always to become a better leader, not to put the burden on your children to
make you feel that way.
You see, depending on your kids to validate your parenting leadership is not so reliable, especially if you have a child who is tough to manage. They are not always going to appreciate changes you make in your leadership. In fact their behavior might get worse before it gets better, while you are upping your demands on them, and improving your leadership style.
And with this point we come full circle, where the circle begins with the intention to lead, the actions taken to fulfill those intentions, the honest evaluation of those actions, and back to the intention to lead better, better, better and better. Put yourself in that circle and make lots of laps. Simple advice to give but difficult to follow, but I have given you a system.
“Unconditional” Love
The biggest challenge I face when trying to teach parents how to become better family leaders is their interpretation that they must be stern and rigid instead of loving and warm. Unconditional love and non contingent love are two very different concepts.
Non contingent love means loving without rules and limitations. Hugs, kisses, attention and reward are available in every circumstance, no matter what. This kind of approach leads to children growing up entitled, demanding and selfish.
Unconditional love means that you are accepting of your children’s strengths and weaknesses, willing to forgive mistakes without damaging a child’s self esteem, but letting your child know that not all behavior is acceptable.
Unconditional love that is shown by a parent’s unwillingness to let a child face the world unprepared to understand that bad behavior creates obstacles to success in life, is damaging. When you love a child by making excuses for them, rewarding bad behavior, approaching them like an equal (i.e. a friend), you are not providing a very accurate example of how the world operates.
Be loving and demonstrative. Don’t deprive yourself of hugs, kisses and snuggles for the short time they are available. Cherish your special time. Tell you kids you love them. All of this provides a healthy foundation for emotional security and best of all, it 77
eventually prepares them to be loving parents themselves. But understand that if you give your kids this, and only this, you are not giving them enough.
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CHAPTER 5