‘Eve, I’m so sorry but there goes your bonus’.
‘Oh come off it, I’m only two minutes late!’
‘Company policy, I didn’t make the rules. Now plug yourself in before you let the entire team down. It’s three minutes past’.
There are five pixie like faces trying desperately not to look me in the eye. They never do. It’s like being on the tube. It’s an unspoken rule in here. Except for me. I look at whomever I like. Sometimes I even listen too. It scares the shit out of them when you do that. All it takes is a subtle reach for the pack of polo’s you left slightly over the invisible line which separates your desk from everyone else’s. You see them cower in fear and lower their voices. That’s when you glance up and make eye contact. Most of them turn away on the off-chance you can lip-read.
It’s funny as hell. When you go for a piss it’s like sneaking behind enemy lines as you pass all the desks.
It’s also somewhat of a hazard though because it’s a real struggle to find your way back in the sea of mundanity. I know where I sit now. Mind you, if it wasn’t for Gladys’ photo of her two slaggy daughters stuck on her computer to remind her she does actually have a life, I’d be in trouble.
‘Sorry Eve’, whispered Michelle the timid. ‘£50
would have bought you a lovely new outfit’.
‘I was thinking more along the lines of crack cocaine’.
‘Oh you are funny, I’m going to spend mine on a Kenwood mixer so that I can make…Hello, Information, how can I be of assistance today?’
It’s all bullshit isn’t it. I don’t know why I bother. I’m sure there a device in this phone headset that actually warps the brain.
9
‘Eve, what’s this?’
‘I thought team leaders were supposed to be on the ball?’
‘That’s enough of your cheek. You know you’re not allowed to do crosswords even if you do hide then underneath your information file. If I catch you again, I’ll raise your targets’.
I wish the target was her fucking head. It doesn’t matter, I’ve got a word-search under the keypad…’Hello, information?’…
‘Hello, I was wondering, there’s a mini-roundabout in my village, my husband says I need to go around it to my left but I’ve been going straight over it for years. I am right, aren’t I?’…
No, you’re a stupid bitch.
‘No, I’m afraid you’re husband is correct’
….. ‘Oh, I really wanted to be right this time’
You’re also a pathetic waste of space. Go and whack one off and cheer yourself up.
‘Thank you for taking the time to call’.