The most difficult journey to master is the one within!
September, 1992
It was Saturday morning, and I was off to the farm to take the horses out for a morning ride. I was so excited to see them! I pulled up in front of the barn, got out of the car, and walked through the two barns to the stalls in the back. The horses were waiting to be fed, and they seemed to sense something different in me. It was as if they knew I was connecting to something they had not experienced before.
I walked over to Coltie, a big thoroughbred, and gave him a hug. He simply lowered his head and nuzzled me. This was not the norm for him. When it was time to eat, nothing (and I mean nothing) had ever stood in his way. I walked across to Pengo, the older and wiser of the two, and he reacted in much the same manner. I felt compelled to acknowledge their response, and I told them so. I put a cup of grain in each of their feed trays and placed a flake of hay on the floor. While they ate, I began mucking out their stalls.
As I walked around them, I noticed a relaxed sense of acceptance, as though they were treating me like I was one of them. They would turn occasionally and watch me, as if in appreciation for what I was doing. I left the stall doors open when I was done, then walked outside to view the morning sunlight spread over the farm. I don’t know if there was ever a more beautiful sight in the whole world as amber light from the morning sun coming up over Gateways. The stream out back was flowing strong, and the fall flowers were in full bloom. Life was everywhere!
I heard the sounds of horses’ hooves on the concrete behind me. I didn’t turn since they knew their way out of the barn. Instead of coming outside and running down the ramp, which was their usual way of greeting the morning, one of them came and stood on either side of me while I leaned over the old metal railing. I didn’t move or look to acknowledge them. They were simply being the gifts they were, and I was the one fortunate enough to witness it. We felt the breeze on our faces as we stood there and smelled the wind. We enjoyed the scents of early autumn as they replaced the last days of summer. I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that at that moment, we were one with each other. I finally turned to each of them and asked, “Okay, who wants to go for a ride?”
As soon as the words emerged from my mouth, they ran down the ramp and out into the fields, kicking their heels high into the air, playing like children. I chuckled to myself, realizing how fortunate I was to witness the picture before me.
After my ride I went home, changed clothes, and headed to the store for groceries. The town I lived in was an affluent one. I, however, did not fall into that category. I had given anything and everything I had to my ex-wife in the divorce, since it was always my intention to ensure she was well cared for. I knew I would always be able to make a living at whatever I elected to do, so I was never concerned. I always seemed to have just what I needed. I embarked for the store, feeling like my life was starting over, fresh and new and more exciting than it had been in a long time. It was wonderful walking up and down the aisles, looking at food and noticing the people. As I moved into the checkout line, I began unloading the five cases of cat food from my cart. It would be enough to feed the three litters of cats at the barn and the two cats I was taking care of for a friend.
“Looks like you have a lot of cats,” said a voice emanating from behind me. I turned around and found myself staring at the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. There was something very familiar about her, like I knew her from another place and time. I had never before come face to face with a woman who almost looked me eye to eye. As a six-foot-five man, I could not believe there was a woman on the planet as tall as the one I was addressing.
I didn’t respond to her statement about the cats. Instead, the first thing I did was look from her face to her feet to make sure they were actually touching the floor! “I bet a lot of people ask you how tall you are,” I commented without thinking twice.
“Yes, they do,” she replied, “but you’re not going to, are you?”
I took this as a gentle dismissal. “No,” I replied, “I’m not!”
I turned around and focused on the clerk ringing up my purchases. But there was something about this woman—something I just couldn’t put my finger on and something I could not let pass by. Suddenly, I remembered. Over my lifetime I had visions of this woman—how she would look, her spirit, almost everything about her. And it was exactly the same as I remembered. I turned around to speak with her again, but she was gone! I said to myself, If this is going to be another experience like I had with the Native American woman at the pow-wow, I’m not laughing!
As I watched the clerk pricing my items, a voice emerged from behind me once again. “So, how many cats do you have?”
I turned around and there she was, just as beautiful as she was a moment earlier.
“Quite a few,” I replied. “We have three litters at the barn, and I have a couple at home.”
“My daughter and I just moved here, and we were thinking about getting a cat,” she replied.
“Well, I’d be happy to take you and your daughter down to the farm to see if there’s a cat there you might like to take home with you.”
“That’s so nice of you to offer,” she replied.
“Here,” I said, “let me write down my name and phone number. Give me a call if that works for you.” I took my shopping list, turned it over, and wrote my information on the back, then passed it to her. My heart was beating very quickly. All I wanted was to have a chance to get to know her.
“Thanks so much,” she replied. “I’ll talk it over with my daughter and call you.”
“I’ll look forward to it,” I replied, and wheeled my cart out of the store.
I knew this was more than a chance meeting—I could feel it. I simply could not let this opportunity slip through my fingers. I decided to wait for her to come out of the store and then follow her home. If she didn’t call, then I would know how to reach her.
Moments later she emerged from the store and walked over to a small black sports car. I watched from a distance as she loaded her groceries in the trunk and made her way out of the parking lot. I began to follow from about five cars behind. As I did so, I realized I needed to have more faith in The Boys, so after a short distance, I turned toward home and let things take their course.
The next day came and went. I found myself regretting not asking for her name and phone number. I lay in bed that night thinking about her. I knew this woman was very special, and I would regret it every day for the rest of my life if I missed this opportunity. Somewhere in my mind, I knew I was going to marry her. But how could I be thinking of that now? I didn’t even know her! That’s when I knew I was deceiving myself.
I knew her better than I have known anyone in my whole life, except for Bob. In my heart of hearts, I was convinced this was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with! I arrived home from work the next afternoon and was changing to go down to the farm to muck the stalls when the phone rang.
“Hello, Jerry?” came the voice.
“Yes, this is Jerry,” I replied.
“Jerry, we met the day before yesterday at the supermarket. I was the one asking you about your cats. Do you remember?”
My heart skipped not one but two beats before I could reply. “Of course I remember! How are you?”
“I’m fine, thanks. By the way, my name is Beverly. I’m sorry I didn’t properly introduce myself when we met.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” I replied.
“I wanted to ask if I could bring my daughter to come visit the cats.”
“Of course you can,” I answered without a moment’s hesitation. “When would be a good time for you?” I asked.
“How about this weekend?” she replied. “I know my daughter would just love it. She’s very excited about the whole idea.”
“That sounds perfect,” I replied. “Why don’t we plan it for late morning on Saturday? Then we can come back to my place for lunch.”
“You don’t need to go to all that trouble,” she answered.
“It would be no trouble at all. You’re new in town, and it would be my pleasure,” I said.
“That sounds wonderful,” she replied.
I quickly gave her directions to the farm and told her I would meet her there. “It’s right on the main road and will be easy to find.” I hung up the phone, looked to the sky, and said, “Thank you, Boys!” I could have sworn I heard them laughing.
The rest of the week took forever to pass. I was so looking forward to seeing her again. I was like a little kid waiting for his first date with the girl he’d been eyeing across the classroom the whole year!
Saturday morning finally arrived. I was at the farm an hour early since I couldn’t wait at home another minute. I walked out into the fields, where I left the horses earlier that morning. It was another beautiful day. The air was crisp, making it a perfect day to ride. I walked over to my four-legged friends and patted them both on their head, brushing their manes with my hand. I felt like the luckiest man in the world.
While I continued my conversation with the horses, my friend Julie started toward me from her house. “Good morning, Darlin’!” she yelled out. This was her greeting when she was in one of her happy moods, which was all the time!
“Morning, Julie,” I replied. “How are you this morning?”
“Wonderful!” she replied. “I got a call from Marlene this week and one from Laura this morning,” she began. These were the people who owned Coltie and Pengo.
“What did they have to say?” I asked.
“They wanted me to make you a proposition,” she replied. “How would you like to take over ownership of the two horses since they never get out here to ride much anymore? They thought that since you ride almost every day, perhaps you’d like to have them.”
“How much are they asking?” I questioned.
“Not a dime,” she replied. “However, I should let you know that board runs a hundred and fifty dollars each if you do your own mucking and buy your own feed. I can add you to my purchase list for feed and shavings, and I’ll give it to you at cost. If you want to help cut and bale the hay, then I won’t charge you for that either. So it comes out to three hundred dollars a month. Think you can handle that, or are you even interested?”
I quickly calculated the expenses in my head. “I think I can handle that,” I replied. “When would it start?”
“Let’s shoot for the beginning of the month,” she replied. “That will give you a few weeks to prepare.”
“Sounds great,” I replied. “Let’s make it happen!”
“I knew you’d like the offer. They told me to let you know they’ll contact you to sign over the papers. Congrats, Jerry!” she said, smiling as she made her way back to the farmhouse.
I couldn’t believe it. These two best friends I had come to know and love were now under my care. What a gift! It was hard for me to think about owning them. I mean, how can we own anything that’s alive and call it ours? Only man has this kind of problem with his ego, which is just part of the human condition. I understand livestock and people who make a living from that business, but it was still a foreign concept to me. I’m sure that if I had grown up on a working farm I would have seen things differently, but that wasn’t the case.
I remembered what Chief Seattle said in his letter to the American government when they asked to buy his lands: “But how can you buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them? This we know: the earth does not belong to man; man belongs to the earth. All things are connected, like the blood that unites us all.”
I was happy to be a caretaker of my new friends, and I know they were happy to have me in their lives as well. While I sat on the stone wall in front of the barn contemplating things, a small black sports car pulled into the gravel driveway. I made my way to the car and opened the door.
“Good morning!” I exclaimed, helping Beverly from the car. “Welcome to Gateways Farm.”
I watched as Beverly and her daughter exited the car. They were both clearly taken by the beauty of the place.
“This is lovely,” began Beverly, “how beautiful!” Her daughter came around to the driver’s side of the car. “Jerry, I would like you to meet my daughter, Crystal.”
I reached out my hand, and she took it and greeted me. “Nice to meet you,” she said.
“And you as well,” I answered.
“Where are the cats?” she asked. Crystal was fourteen at the time. It can be a very awkward age for anyone, but she carried herself beautifully, and I was very impressed with her maturity.
“They’re inside,” I replied. “Can I give you a quick tour?”
“That would be great,” replied Beverly, as the three of us made our way into the barn.
We called the horses in from the pasture and began our visit with all the animals at the farm. I showed Beverly and Crystal the stream out back, as the tour led to the tomato house, the hens, and the chickens. It was wonderful just to be mingling with so much diverse life, and everyone seemed to be enjoying it. We eventually made our way back to where the newest litter of cats had been born.
“Now, be careful,” I exclaimed. “These are barn cats, and they’re not used to much human companionship. We keep them as mousers, mostly.”
“What’s a mouser?” asked Crystal.
“It’s a cat that keeps the mice population in the barn to a minimum,” replied Beverly.
“The mice eat the feed and leave their droppings everywhere, so it’s not healthy for the other animals,” I added.
I knew the cats pretty well, so I went over and picked up one of the kittens and brought it over to Crystal to pet. She reached out carefully and began to scratch the scruff of its neck.
“How nice and soft,” she said.
“How safe would they be around an apartment?” asked Beverly.
“I honestly don’t know,” I replied, not having given much thought to barn cats and apartment living. I saw a slight look of concern come over Beverly’s face.
“I have an idea,” I began. “There’s an animal shelter in the next town. They are always advertising kittens for adoption. Perhaps it might be a good idea to take a ride over there and pick out a kitten of your very own. I’m sure they would have had all their shots, so there would be no worry.”
“That’s a great idea, Mom. Can we?” Crystal pleaded.
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” replied Beverly.
We spent another hour or so at the farm before heading to my house for lunch. “I think we’ve taken up enough of your time,” said Beverly. “I need to get this little girl a kitten since she hasn’t made any friends as of yet.”
I agreed with her, and we started for the door. “Before you leave, is there a chance we could meet again? I would like very much to take you to dinner and perhaps show you a bit of the area,” I said, praying she would say yes.
“That would be very nice,” she replied. She took a pen from her purse and wrote down her contact information and handed it to me. “I’ll look forward to it,” she said, smiling a smile that appeared heaven sent as it came from a place deep within her soul. I was still tingling after they left.
Beverly and I began dating shortly after her visit to the farm. Our relationship was the most effortless experience I have ever had with another human being. It was every dream I hoped for in a relationship. I often thought she was my guardian angel in human form, sent to watch over me. She was untainted by her environment, both as a child and as an adult. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone or anything. She was as beautiful on the outside as she was inside. I was falling in love, and I would never stop falling.
Shortly after initially meeting Beverly, I mentioned the book I received at the pow-wow. I had read it many times prior to meeting her, finding the truths simple and the reverence for the earth complete. I had a feeling this book was going to have a tremendous impact on my life, but at that time, I had no idea exactly what that impact would be. I had read about a vision quest and decided that was something I needed to do. I shared the idea with Beverly and told her about the forests in Western Massachusetts.
“They’ll make a perfect place for this experience!” I said. I thought perhaps she might like to get involved, so I asked for her help, since there was much planning to be done.
“I’d be happy to,” she replied. “I don’t know how much help I can be, but I’d love to see what it’s all about.”
I got plans for a teepee from my friend Julie and then asked Beverly if she knew how to sew. “Sewing is one thing I do know how to do since my sisters and I made many of our own clothes growing up,” she replied.
“Have you ever sewn a teepee before?” I asked.
She smiled, and the look on her face was more like, “What are you, crazy?”
I brought out the plans and laid them on the table. She studied them for a minute and said, “I think we can do that.”
I loved her spirit. We immediately went out and purchased the canvas and began making the teepee. (I chuckle as I recalled how she burned out two sewing machines making that teepee for me.) When she was done, we set it up at the farm and admired her work. It was magnificent!
The pack I would carry on my vision quest weighed about one hundred and thirty pounds. That weight may not sound like much, but when you consider that I was going into the woods two miles or more in four feet of snow on snowshoes, it was quite a bit of weight. On the day I was leaving, I heard the weather report. Not only was it cold where I was headed, but the forecasters mentioned a chance of rain. That concerned me but not enough to dissuade me from making the trip. It took me almost two hours to reach the entrance of the Mohawk Trail State Park.
I met a wonderful Native American at the gate. He looked at my car and asked, “Heading in for any length of time?”
“Probably four or five days,” I replied.
“Be careful in there,” he said. “The weather can change in the blink of an eye.”
“Thanks,” I answered, and drove to find a place to park. I took out my pack and began to put everything together.
Back then, we didn’t have equipment like we have today. There were no 30-degree-below-zero sleeping bags or tents that could withstand the frigid temperatures. They also didn’t take just a few minutes to set up. I had to improvise and make do. After all, the purpose of the vision quest, as I understood from reading Ed McGaa’s book, was to challenge and engage the body and spirit in a quest for answers. I had a snow shovel and an axe, as well as a hatchet. I put on my snowshoes, hoisted the pack onto my back, and began my journey into the woods.
It had snowed four feet over the past few weeks, and as soon as I made my way into the woods, it began to rain—and rain hard. There were small rivers of melting snow along the path. I was soaked to the bone within an hour. I fell twice, and my pack was so heavy, I had to take it off in order to get back on my feet. I needed to make good time since I had to cut down twelve good-size trees for teepee poles and skin them in order to get the teepee up before nightfall. Prior to setting up the teepee, I had to dig through four feet of snow in a circle fifteen feet across in order to make a place for the teepee on solid ground.
I arrived late morning at a spot I thought would be perfect. The rain didn’t stop for a minute. As a matter of fact, it was raining harder now than when I began the hike. I took off my pack and proceeded to cut the teepee poles and prepare the frame. I finished that task around three p.m. It was beginning to get dark, and I was soaked to the bone. I was working hard, but as long as I kept moving, I wasn’t concerned about hypothermia.
Next, I dug the snow from the spot where I was placing the teepee. I needed to leave a few inches of snow on the ground, or I would find myself in a mud-hole. I placed pine boughs from the small trees I had cleaned over the snow to keep me insulated from the slush on the ground. The rain was coming down in buckets. It was six p.m. before I had finally completed the teepee. I placed all my gear inside and began my quest for firewood.
I brought a few pieces of gumwood for kindling, but with so much rain, I began to question if I brought enough to get the fire going. Once I had it started, I would keep it going over the four days until I left. I had no intention of leaving the teepee unless the rain stopped. I went out to find the driest wood available, but much to my disappointment, I had little success.
I brought small branches into the teepee and splayed the ends so they would ignite easier. I used the gumwood to get the fire started. I worked on that fire for more than an hour and a half but could not get the fire to stay lit. It was dark, raining, and I was getting cold. I was now completely out of gumwood, and I knew it was time to make some serious decisions or I could find myself dead from hypothermia. I sat down and made myself as comfortable as possible, then began to go within. In a matter of moments, the question was answered. I needed to leave immediately. If I stayed, I would soon find myself in serious jeopardy since there was no way to get warm.
I took a picture of the teepee before I dismantled it. The canvas now weighed about a hundred pounds by itself, under the added weight of water. I was going to have to make two trips in order to get everything out. I picked up the teepee, placed it on my pack frame, and began the walk back toward the car. As I started through the woods, I could hear the coyotes walking alongside me in the woods, which gave me a bit more incentive to speed up. The small streams that ran along the path coming in were now four feet wide and a foot deep going out. It took me an hour to get to the car and load up the teepee. I was exhausted and hungry. I had stopped just a few times during the day to eat some trail mix, so my blood sugar was down. After warming myself in the car, I began the walk back to get the rest of my gear. By the time I retrieved everything and loaded it in the car, it was ten o’clock at night. I was cold as hell and soaking wet, but I knew I was going to be all right.
While I sat in the car getting warm, I remembered the saying, “It’s not the destination, but the journey.” For the first time in my life, I truly understood its meaning. I felt I had accomplish