The Nicest Guy and His Lonely Penis
Copyright 2011 Phil Torcivia
Cover Sketch by Mervin Kaunda
Nothing in this book is true except my desire to cover my ass with this statement.
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Phil & Testes Plus 500,000,000
You think the Gosselins have it tough? Bah. I have millions of little ones to worry about.
Imagine taking care of such a brood. Sure, they are tiny and spend most of their days swimming,
but I’m exhausted trying to keep up with them. There’s keeping them safe, feeding, and taking
them out to play, just to name a few of the draining activities.
I take my children with me everywhere I go, even to the gym. Although Daddy loves the
stationary bike and sauna, my little ones are none too impressed. I tell them a happy daddy is the
best daddy so sometimes they need to suck it up and take one for the team. If Daddy stops
working out then they will not get to spend as much time doing their favorite activity: egg
hunting. Oh, my boys can’t get enough of that. They don’t want one Easter a year either. Nope,
not my boys. Every weekend is Easter in their minds. Good Friday? Every Friday.
I have to be careful when I drink alcohol because I sometimes neglect my children, and they
beg me to come out and play. Nag, nag, nag. They start looking for eggs where there are few to
be found. Sometimes Daddy meets a nice woman his age. You’d think the boys would be happy.
Nope. I explain (in my baby voice) that older women have more experience with them and are
more fun to play with. Yet, when the boys get involved, they whine and complain that she
doesn’t play nice. Her eggs are too hard to find.
