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The New Guy in Moon Base Twelve


The New Guy in Moon Base Twelve
By Tom Lichtenberg
Copyright 2012 by Tom Lichtenberg
Chapter One
They weren't exactly the crew President Spud Goodman had in mind when he
first announced his intention to establish a permanent base on the moon just
so the Chinese wouldn't get there first. Goodman was not just a Republican, he
was an ultra-Republican, the very distillation of antique notions of values and
morality. If there was an old-fashioned bias to be had, Goodman had it in
spades, so to speak. He loathed everyone not Caucasoid, Christoid and
Heteroid, which was just enough bigotry to swing him the particular swing
states he needed to get into office. Once ensconced, he set about launching his
bold, grandiose (and micro-managed) ideas as if the presidency was a game of
Frisbee golf, just tossing stuff out there to see what happened. Moon Bases
One and Two were among the first eagles to land.
The settlements had to be staffed, of course, and according to Goodman's
precise calculations the chosen crew were meant to remain there for at least
ten years at a stretch. He formed a commission to determine the bestest and
mostest qualified persons to meet his audacious requirements. The
commission worked very diligently, took their task quite seriously, and
eventually came to the conclusion, after numerous conferences and meetings,
that the proper candidates would need to meet four essential criteria; they
would have to be bisexual, atheist, socialist vegetarians. Their reasons were
multiple and their logic quite unassailable.
Since there were to be relatively few persons on the base, bisexuality would
be a highly adaptive quality, ensuring the most possible partnerships among
the population. Atheism was considered extremely desirable due to the
tendency of religious persons to argue amongst themselves as to which of
their fairy tales was the least incoherent, and which of their imaginary friends
the least prickly. Also, the landscape of the moon was one of the most god-
forsaken places in which it humans had ever attempted to live, and it would
help to have no god to blame this forsakenness on. Socialist, even Communist,
was highly regarded in a similar way because of the limited quantity of goods
that would be distributed, and the lack of quality of same. People with a will
and desire to share and share alike on principle would get along much better
than those perpetually looking out for number one. Vegetarianism, the final
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