The Library: Revised and Condensed
If a man is caught watching anything that in any way, shape, or form, can be characterized as a “chick flick,” and
he is not accompanied by at least one single woman, or at least one married woman who is known to fool around,
then the man shall be forced to wear nothing but a bra and panties in public for the next three hundred and seventy
If a man accidentally puts his hand in another man’s pants, he shall keep it there for at least forty-seven minutes
and twenty three seconds, or until the second man sings our national anthem while setting his wrist sundial for
daylight savings time.
The Declaration of Independence
Author: Jefferson, Thomas
Published: Philadelphia, 1776
Dear John, George, and all you other British Assholes:
We’ve had enough of your Bullshit!
And—even though you don’t deserve an explanation—we’ll tell you exactly why we’re getting rid of you
cigar smoking, fish and chips eating, cheerioing motherfuckers! (And don’t even get us started on that shitty
“sport” you call football).
We’ve been taking it up the bum for four score and some odd years, and it’s about time we reclaim our
We’re human beings—and dagnabbitt, human beings don’t deserve to be treated like this (except for
women, Indians, negroes, homosexuals, etc.—but that pretty much goes without saying).
And let me ask you something:
What’s the only legitimate purpose of a government?
I’ll make it easy for you.
(a) to make life better for the people
or (b) to enable a few selfish assholes to rape the people
I’ll bet you answered “b,” you biscuit munching son of a bitch bastards.
Well—YOU ’RE WRONG!
So guess what?
We have the God-given right to make it “a.”
Now, we realize that sometimes you just have to let some shit slide.
But you’ve been sending over about a million truckloads of shit a day—and we’re up to our ankles in it.
You haven’t done an ounce of good for us in decades.
Probably because you’ve been too busy forcing us to trade with you, convicting us of crimes we didn’t
commit, sending over a bunch of thugs to fuck up our shit, and last but not least, Taking Our Fucking Money!
We made the mistake of trying to reason with you, assuming that you’d eventually act like human beings.
We should have known better.
We do now.
And now we’re free—and we consider you the same as any other country: our enemies in war, and our
friends in peace.
In other words, if you so much as try to take another dollar from us, we’ll cut out your fucking hearts and
use them to wipe our asses!