The Best Scandal Ever
“She won’t see you if you’ve been drinking, you know that.”
“OK” Harry turned to go. He had never grown out of his fear of Una in the twenty five years since he
had started seeing Kira. He knew he was one of a crowd of men who had never got over her, but he
still felt the need to try and get her back after a few beers for courage. Kira was special, it didn’t
matter what size she was she was still special to him. So special, in fact that took some personal
pride in the fact he had bonked one hundred and twenty pounds off her weight a few years before.
Unfortunately, he was well aware that four other exs felt exactly the same way…..
Kira heard the front door close two floors below and sighed. ‘At least I can get the bathroom
finished,’ she thought. ‘I promised dad to get the house done, and I’ll be damned if I won’t before I
Kira, a notoriously foul-tempered Scottish academic, had had a hard five years. Losing two relatives
and a couple of friends one after another had left her feeling miserable enough, but the lack of work
after graduating from two degrees and corruption in the temporary jobs she was able to secure had
left her with no confidence in any of the beliefs she had held so dearly before studying. Hard work
did not have a reward, and you cannot trust people you stupidly trusted at sixteen when pushing
forty. There are no prizes for holding off on having a family or waiting for the right person, and
family are not necessarily on your side. Kira’s faith in everything had gone, apart from finishing the
house life seemed entirely devoid of a happy horizon.
Over the years, Kira had learned to use art to delay bouts of despair, and two pieces of work were
waiting to be finished even after the house had been repaired. The endless stream of exs requiring
her attention had long ceased to be a solace and become a major pain, although it was gratifying to
still pull at four hundred pounds. How many women would have multiple boyfriends at this size?
She allowed herself a portly smirk in the mirror at the folly of her exs. They were all still liars, and all
she really wanted was someone honest. The relationship with Harry had failed when he still couldn’t
tell her the truth when she asked him to try seeing other people in order to tell her honestly about
it. She had thought this would either provide the reassurance to make it work, or break them, and
break them it certainly did. Apparently men prefer to lie and pretend monogamy even when totally
incapable of it.
Kira struggled to her feet and shuffled back to the bathroom to tape a paintbrush to a broom handle.
At least she could avoid breaking the bath.
“So what was this one like, Sam?” Don, Sam’s best friend was on the phone for a chick update. Sam
was standing in yet another horrible hotel room with a bottle of water in his other hand.
“Oh ya know, blonde, nice tits – not so hot in the sack, better in the shower, but it wasn’t a busy
Don laughed. Sam’s path to the stars was paved with women just like this. Sam’s life was a lengthy
porn movie, punctuated by financial ups and downs and the occasional collapse from tiredness. Sam
never seemed to stop – Don admired the energy but was glad he had decided to settle down. He
looked at the unsuspecting bison, grazing half a mile away from the ranch house, and thought about