male didn't like being touched by men, other than hand to hand or hand to jaw. Removing my
gesture of reassurance, I felt increasingly detached as I began to talk about the benefits of sharing
fear without caving into it and saying that everyone was doubly sensitive to each other's moods
because we were dependent on each other in unspoken ways. I needed his support to get through
this because I was scared shitless—that moment notwithstanding, I told Bonnie. I also admitted
to Ski that I stayed back to take calls from Toronto because Sally's pleasantly satirical manner
was a transfusion of hope. I left it up to Wizichinski to figure out that I was too scared to step
outside.
“You did not judge, nor give him permission to continue his tantrum,” Saa-ra said as a
statement.
“I guess. Anyway, he turned around.”
“Later, your colleague asked you what happened.”
“I couldn't remember it clearly, so I said 'not much.”
“What do you recall about the transaction?” Saa-ra said.
“I was far more intimate than I cared to be, and I didn't realize I had made my point until I
ran out of words. Still, it would have been a waste of time if Ski’s mental toughness hadn't
kicked back in,” I shrugged. “We all get tired.”
“She has often spontaneously told others what they needed to hear, unaware of the effects
of her casually precise psychological bombing.”
Paradoxically disturbed by the ridiculous implication that I had been invaded by Spirit, and
annoyed that Saa-ra's comments caused me to remember yet another event, I said, “That's good
for her friends.”
Saa-ra studied the sky as if it was about to change into something else; I couldn't help but
take a peek. It felt like forever, but was probably less than thirty seconds before I realized Bonnie
would sit there until we were staring at the moon, waiting to hear what had come to my mind.
“I know you’re looking for every experience the audience might possibly relate to, but I can
guarantee this isn’t one of them.”
“Guarantee with what?”
“I need a break for the can,” I said standing.
“You can tell her on the way back,” Saa-ra said.
A few steps later, I said, "My ex-wife called after two years without any contact, and
rambled about her life being over because she had herpes, then she made references about
making sure her life was over. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I told her to come over,
things had happened since we'd last seen each other. I still had nothing definite to say when she
arrived, but my mood changed from concern to such a feeling of indifference that when I found a
barely related incident I ran with it.”
“What it was, specifically.”
“That’s the thing, it wasn't specific.”
Saa-ra said nothing to interrupt the sounds of our footfalls.
Clearing my throat, I said, ”I told Lynda that in Salvador the army had started killing
people in a small village because they had allegedly helped the guerrillas, and that if it was true,
the villagers wouldn’t have had a choice but to help. Nearby neighbours grabbed whatever they
