Aristocracy Versus Hash
[From The Rolling Stone.]
The snake reporter of The Rolling Stone was wandering up the avenue last night on his
way home from the Y.M.C.A. rooms when he was approached by a gaunt, hungry-
looking man with wild eyes and dishevelled hair. He accosted the reporter in a hollow,
"'Can you tell me, Sir, where I can find in this town a family of scrubs?'
"'I don't understand exactly.'
"'Let me tell you how it is,' said the stranger, inserting his forefinger in the reporter's
buttonhole and badly damaging his chrysanthemum. 'I am a representative from
Soapstone County, and I and my family are houseless, homeless, and shelterless. We
have not tasted food for over a week. I brought my family with me, as I have indigestion
and could not get around much with the boys. Some days ago I started out to find a
boarding house, as I cannot afford to put up at a hotel. I found a nice aristocratic-looking
place, that suited me, and went in and asked for the proprietress. A very stately lady with
a Roman nose came in the room. She had one hand laid across her stom—across her
waist, and the other held a lace handkerchief. I told her I wanted board for myself and
family, and she condescended to take us. I asked for her terms, and she said $300 per
"'I had two dollars in my pocket and I gave her that for a fine teapot that I broke when I
fell over the table when she spoke.'
"'You appear surprised,' says she. 'You will please remembah that I am the widow of
Governor Riddle of Georgiah; my family is very highly connected; I give you board as a
favah; I nevah considah money any equivalent for the advantage of my society, I—'
"'Well, I got out of there, and I went to some other places. The next lady was a cousin of
General Mahone of Virginia, and wanted four dollars an hour for a back room with a pink
motto and a Burnet granite bed in it. The next one was an aunt of Davy Crockett, and
asked eight dollars a day for a room furnished in imitation of the Alamo, with prunes for
breakfast and one hour's conversation with her for dinner. Another one said she was a
descendant of Benedict Arnold on her father's side and Captain Kidd on the other.
"'She took more after Captain Kidd.
"'She only had one meal and prayers a day, and counted her society worth $100 a week.