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Missy Tonight


hatred toward corporate slogans of any kind. She would man the front
desk like a buccaneer, daring anyone to stump her with a package too
large or too small, too heavy or too light, too expensive or too cheap.
Couldn't be done, she'd declare. "We ship anything anywhere anytime
anyhoo".
Now, being an atheist is probably the only thing of any distinction that
I've ever accomplished. It is my signature trait, so to speak. At one
time, there weren't too many of us, and we tended to keep it to
ourselves. Certainly in my role as dispatcher at American Site Rentals
("when you think of portable toilets, think American!"), my atheism
was hardly an asset, surrounded as I was by persons of persuasion. I
used to think of organized religion as some sort of professional
sporting league. In Division A, U.S.A., you'd have to give the
Protestants the franchise tag as "America's Team", the New York
Yankees or Dallas Cowboys of Belief. Catholics were in the ballpark,
perennial runners-up, with Jews and Buddhists and Muslims in the
cellar, decade after faithful decade. My team never came up, even in
fantasy transactions. It didn't pay. Certainly not.
But things have changed. Pink City was built by Ronald Humm
Enterprises, housing the Atheist Broadcasting Service, the Atheist
Shopping Network, Atheism Today magazine and of course, the
flagship, the symbol, the lynch pin, the Missy Tonight show with Missy
D'Angelo. When it comes to Missy Tonight, I'm one of those 'regular
viewers' you're always hearing about who should be giving money. I
wouldn't miss it. Missy D'Angelo is the captain of my team, the team of
the century, the team on the rise, the team the other teams had better
look out for. Atheism's coming, baby. It's the next big thing.
And why shouldn't I cash in on it too? Me, who's been a devoted
atheist since the very day I was malignantly conceived. I can do that
thing. All my friends have seen my spot-on Spallanzini imitation. Okay,
my friend Althea has seen it. And she laughed. And she is my only
friend so I guess my previous statement stands. I've nothing else in my
measly forty-three years to show for anything, no family, no career, no
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