advantages and disadvantages. The advantage is the concern with intimacy and
the details of relatedness. The disadvantage is the concern with intimacy and
relatedness. At their best, such concerns build a deeply satisfying relationship
between two people. At their worst, they create suffering and an inability to care
for oneself and to function happily outside a coupled relationship.
The influence of culture and learning cannot be overestimated in development.
Contemporary science is beginning to understand the conversation between
experience and genetics. And it is a conversation, not a one way set of orders
from the genes. In fact, it appears that most of the conversation goes in the
other than obvious direction, as lived experience informs and modifies genes
throughout life.
So a lesbian is a girl and then a woman in a culture that defines these as
relational identities. Self-concept and self-esteem become inextricably
intertwined with the ability to attract a partner and maintain a relationship. A
series of relationships is also permissible, as long as the period in between is not
too long. As a result, there are social pressures to be coupled just as intense as
in any heterosexual context and probably more so. One has only to be single
and not dating for a while to understand how coupled lesbian society is and how
lonely weekends and evenings can be, as coupled friends are together or with
other couples during those times. Of course, an acceptable activity for the single
lesbian at these times can be to look for her next partner.
As any discerning reader can see, the definition of a lesbian is bleeding into the
definition of a lesbian couple, as it does, so let me consider this question next.
What is a lesbian couple?
The lesbian subculture may be the most normatively and compulsively coupled in
current society or even in the history of relationships, comparable to those of
fundamentalist Muslims and Christians. It has even been suggested that there is
a lesbian version of the Bible featuring a lesbian Noah, who built an ark and
rescued only those lesbians who came on board two by two. Yet I doubt it, as
someone I know would have by now given me a copy of this book fo r a gift,
knowing how much I love books. Yet such an apocryphal story would explain why
a single lesbian is either pariah or project for her coupled friends.
How did lesbians get so focused on coupling, uncoupling and recoupling? If it is
not a biblical injunction, then what is the source of this well-known proclivity?
Perhaps it is in the DNA or more likely in the inevitable interplay of nature and
nurture. Very simply we live in a culture that values women by their ability to
create and maintain a couple. As a result, self-esteem turns readily into couple
esteem. This can be seen in the triumphant pride with which a lesbian
announces her new partner, as Celia and Cheryl did with me. She has been
chosen. She is loved, at least for the day. I certainly do not mean to imply that
