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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
Page 3 of 48
Contents
Why Bullies Target Particular Children................................................19
How Do Children Become Victims? ........................................................23
How to Help Your Own Children ..............................................................26
Signs that your Child may be a Target.................................................29
When Your Child has been Bullied..........................................................31
Dealing with the Bully and their Parents ....................................................... 31
Dealing with Your Child’s School.............................................................33
When Your Child tells You about Bullying .........................................35
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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Why Children Don’t tell Adults about Bullying................................................. 36
Helping Your Child to Handle Bullies. ...................................................38
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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About the Author
Gail Matthews is a concerned parent, not an academic. Gail is been
concerned about the problem of bullying in schools which her children
attended.
She started to look for further information and was surprised at the
extent and serious effects that were linked to bullying from children and also adults who had been bullied or were bullied in their adult lives.
Gail decided to focus her book on bullying of children because that
was the area she has had some direct experience with.
She felt there was a need for a simple, non-technical guide with
suggestions that could be used by parents like herself wherever they were located.
She believes that this book will help people to assist their children
by encouraging them not to bully others and how to best deal with bullies they encounter.
Gail also shows parents some signs that may indicate that children
are being silent about bullying they encounter.
She also includes some suggestions about how to support the
efforts of their schools and other groups to reduce bullying and deal with its effects.
Gail believes the information which she has gathered will be useful
to people, whatever their situation and location. She says that bullying is a world-wide, growing epidemic.
She hopes her book will encourage parents and other interested
people to take action about bullying and support its victims so that we can reduce the effects which bullying has on our society and our children’s
future.
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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Introduction
This book is intended to show parents who care how to help their
children and also how you might be able to make a positive difference in
the lives of all the children at the schools which they attend.
I will help you to understand, prepare for and deal with the most
common types of bullying.
All parents have a personal stake in reducing and, where possible,
preventing bullying in their children’s schools and their neighborhood.
The effects of bullying can be very deeply felt and long-lasting.
Some victims never fully recover. There have been some incidents
where bullying has resulted in someone taking their own life and even
those of other people who were not ever part of the bullying itself.
The rapid growth of the Internet and high-speed communication by
mobile phones and other easily available methods has seen a huge
increase in bullying where the bully and the victim may be miles apart.
But, the effects can be just as bad.
We cannot prevent all bullying and I don’t believe that we can
stamp it out.
But, for the sake of our children and communities, we need to take
an active part in reducing its effects and helping our children.
Gail Matthews 2009
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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What Is Bullying?
Most people know that
bullying involves physical or
emotional abuse of someone by
another person who is more
powerful. That person may be
stronger physically or emotionally
or have a position which gives
them the opportunity to dominate
the victim.
A bully is not interested in a
physical or mental contest. A bully
acts against someone that they
believe cannot or will not be able to stop them doing whatever they want
to.
Most bullies make repeated attacks and demands on their victims
but even a single incident can be harmful to the person that is targeted.
Bullying usually occurs when the bully tries to demonstrate that
they or their group are superior in some way to the person they victimize.
They look for a target that is likely to offer little resistance and to
react in a way which will make the bully feel superior.
Bullies often browse the school yard near the beginning of the year,
looking for potential victims.
Most bullies seek to feed their own ego, some seek power over the
victim to get them to do their bidding and a dangerous few actually enjoy hurting their victims.
But, all bullying in whatever form can and usually does inflict
damage which can affect the victim and also sometimes those close to
them for years.
Bullies may approach their victims in any part of the school, even in
areas where adults may be present. But, most attacks occur when adults
are not about.
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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Boys are likely to bully both sexes while girls mostly bully other
girls.
Bullies will probably have other potential victims in mind and will
switch to another target on their mental list when and if the current victim gets help or starts to assert themselves.
Victims may be targets of the same bully over a long period and are
also likely to be targeted by other bullies in later years that also recognize the vulnerability.
Types of Bullying
Bullying occurs in schools, businesses, all kinds of organizations and
groups and, unfortunately, also in many homes.
It can take many forms, physical or psychological
and each can result in long-term negative effects which
may not be obvious until long after the actual bullying
episodes.
The most common types of bullying are explained below.
Verbal harassment: This could range from teasing
to deeply offensive insults. Be aware that teasing, which
many people regard as a minor annoyance, can inflict real
hurt on the victims.
The bully will usually target the other child’s ethnic
background, clothing, speech, appearance, mode of speech or sexuality.
The venom in the words will have added sting because of the bully’s
manner and implied physical threat.
Violence: This is probably the most common type of bullying
behavior. It can vary from:
Theft: Bullies might steal their victim’s property just to upset them, because they want the item or so they can sell or trade it with other
children.
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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Physical harassment: This may range from annoying pushes and
pokes to actual sexual assault. The amount of sexual harassment
experienced by older school children has surprised researchers.
Damage to personal property: Bullies will sometimes destroy
personal property as a means of intimidating their victim. Sometimes they will target the victim’s homework, textbooks and other study material
which can cause trouble for the victim with their teachers when they are
unwilling to explain why their work is not up to standard and their books are damaged.
Threats: The victim may be threatened with physical attack or
other punishment just for the effect on them or it may be used as a
means to get the victim to agree to do something which they would not
normally do, such as stealing or whatever else the bully wants them to.
When the child does what the bully has demanded, they think they
have no option but to do whatever the bully demands of them later on
because they fear exposure of the original theft they were forced to do.
Social exclusion: This
is where the bully and the
group which supports him or
her prevent the victim from
enjoying their company or
taking part in their activities.
This discrimination in
social situations by actions or
threats which exclude the
victim from a group or activity
without good cause was
described as one of the most
hurtful forms of bullying.
There is no physical damage but the emotional impact is intense and
continuing.
It is commonly accepted that girls may use this more often than
actual physical attacks.
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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The victim has to watch the interaction of the group every day while
knowing that they cannot take part.
It can be equally devastating for a male victim as the desire to be
part of the group is very strong for both sexes.
The enforced loneliness is made worse by the knowledge that there
is no good reason for them being excluded.
Hazing: Some groups require anyone that wishes to become a member to submit to rituals or activities, sometimes called “hazing”, that may be
degrading, involve violence and even be dangerous.
The successful participants endure the experience for the chance to
be accepted in the group. Then, they take part in the initiation of future prospective members.
This may be regarded by some people as a form of ritualized
bullying but the members would say it is “just a tradition”.
Long distance intimidation:
Most bullying occurs in face-to-face
situations but there has always been
some bullying which was done over a
distance.
Some bullies used to mail poison-
pen letters or secretly insert notes with
similar content into their victims’ bags
or lockers. That way, they could be far
away when the target opened and read
the message.
But, the development and spread
of low-cost technology has encouraged
a significant and growing amount of
bullying where the target or victim is contacted on their own mobile phone or similar device or over the Internet with a text or verbal message.
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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The bully can deliver threats or lies and slurs with, usually, much
less chance of being called to account.
The letters and scrawled notes could be just torn up and disposed
of, but the electronic messages are much harder to ignore and their vile
contents can be sent to hundreds of people in a few minutes. Sometimes,
a bully will send dozens of messages in a short period of time, aiming to cause maximum distress.
A related form of harassment which is affecting more children, and
even adults, each year is the spreading of malicious and usually untrue
comments and stories about them through messages to third parties in
internet chat rooms.
This can be particularly hard to deal with because the victim may
not even know that this is happening until a friend tells them about a
message they’ve seen.
By that time, the messages and rumors could have been read by
hundreds of people and spread even more widely.
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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"How to Stop Bullying" by Gail Matthews
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Who are the Bullies?
It's disappointing but
true that almost every child or
adult has the potential within
them to be a bully. Even if
they do not take that role,
they could become part of a
group that support a bully,
either actively or passively, in
their attacks.
Some children or adults
that may not usually try to
intimidate anyone will bully
others when they get an
opportunity to exert power
over another individual and believe they have little chance of ever having to be accountable for their actions.
This is like people that are honest in all their day-to-day activities
but might take money from a wallet or purse which they find in the street if they believe that there is little chance that they could be found out.
Sometimes, a child may use bully tactics on another child to gain
some advantage without understanding that they are bullying them. They
might say, “It was just a bit of fun” because they do not realize or care about the possible negative effect on their victim.
In a later section, I will explain some ways that you might use to
help your children learn how to recognize and avoid using these tactics in their interactions with other children.
No form of bullying is ever excusable because there are always
negative effects on the person who is targeted.
Children who bully others are more likely to beco