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Happy Criminal Returns


actually borrowing. The C.D's in the library which now contained the wrong discs, he
had hidden behind some large encyclopaedias. When alone in his cell he was able to
play 'How to speak French in 3 months' on the small C.D. Player he had been allowed
to use as a reward for six months good behaviour. He used the earphones provided so
that there was no chance of it being overheard. Brian was a quick learner with an
aptitude for languages but not even he could master it entirely in three months. It had
given him a good start though and if his plan worked he would soon be immersed in
the madrelingua of France. Brian intended to carry on his life's work clearing Europe's
streets of those bitches commonly referred to as 'ladies of the night'. He had to smile
'ladies'! They were anything but ladies in his opinion.
He had heard that prisons were 'universities of life' and he had learned some very
useful things here and made some very helpful friends. He knew he was a loner but he
could act the part of a friend too when it suited him. He had been very careful to
cultivate these advantageous friends when out of sight of the prison warders. He was
on his way to meet one of them now. Arnie Chester had been in for forgery and knew
how to make a perfect passport. Brian had just recovered his hidden stash of cash, in
its steel box, from Epping Forest where it had safely lain under several feet under the
ground. He had been careful to hide it in a more isolated spot and had made a mental
note of exactly how to locate the spot again. It was near the sixth tree in the sixth row
on the left of a little used small path. It was his life savings and amounted to around
ten thousand pounds. He'd have to be careful with it as it wouldn't last that long and
he'd have to look for work o nce he was abroad. It had been hard work digging the box
out for the ground had hardened since his last visit but the spade he had 'borrowed'
from a nearby garden had made things easier. On his way to the station he dumped the
spade in one of the small front gardens.
The first thing he bought at a charity shop near the station was a new cheap
sweatshirt, a jacket and a pair of trousers. He changed into the new clothes in the
station toilet, depositing in the bin the ones he had stolen from a clothes line at the
back of one of the more secluded houses near the prison.
Having then caught the train to Paddington, he arrived in London at 3.15 p.m.
and made his way to Arnie's home in Whitechapel where, thirty minutes later, he rang
the bell of the small red brick terraced house.
"Blimey, you made it then 'Bri'. Come in quickly. You know there's an alert out
for you. You can't stay here but I have a mate who'll be able to have you for as long as
it takes. You'll be safe at his place until we ge t things sorted out for you. Sit down and
rest your bones. Let's have a brew and you can fill me in on what's been happening
and how I can help."
As they enjoyed their tea, Brian told how he'd found it relatively easy to escape
at night when he found two of the warders asleep. It had been reminiscent of his
childhood days dealing with multiple locks. "I'd acted the model prisoner since I was
'nicked' so they wouldn't suspect I'd ever try to escape. Now I want to get to France so
I'll need a passport and some kind of disguise," he explained.
"Well to start with you need to dye your hair or to shave it off completely and go
for the 'Yul Brynner' look. I suggest the 'Yul Brynner' it'll be far less trouble to keep it
shaved than to try and dye it. That could be difficult to manage when you are in
France. That's quite a mop of black curly hair and with that gone even your best friend
would pass you by in the street. If you don't like the idea of that you could have it cut
really short in the 'Buzz' style but we'd have to dye it blonde and you'd have to re-dye
it every couple of months. You should grow a moustache as that always helps to
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