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Greegs & Ladders


fuelled by one insatiable desire. They desired to obtain and retain large amounts of
schmold. Schmold was a green, glowing, sticky, gooey substan ce that was found deep in the
core of the planet. Schmold mining and preservation was the number one priority of all
Greegs. They couldn’t possibly even consider doing anything without first thinking how
much schmold it would cost or what effects it might have on the schmold trade.
Schmold served no actual purpose whatsoever, except that Greegs thought it looked
really neat. The ultimate sign of wealth and status and accomplishment was to take a
schmold bath. The poorest Greegs would never have, nor co uld they ever logically hope to
obtain, even a little bit of schmold. But they would dream.
“One day, I’m going to make it so big. I’m going to be so successful that I will take a
schmold bath every week,” they would say.
Clearly no one could ever be so lucky.
CHAPTER 2
the Rebel Groolfh and the Planet Garbotron
Only once was there a Greeg who did not dream of taking a schmold bath. His name
was Groolfh, and he had the shockingly original revelation that one was much luckier for
not taking a schmold bath, as to bathe in schmold is to make oneself filthier than the
bottommost layers of Garbotron, an uninhabitable planet used only as a dump for countless
millennia. Garbotron was well known as the worst smelling place in existence. I can attest
to this fact, having seen Garbotron with my own eyes; that is to say, having seen the
noxious green vapours surrounding Garbotron from 8 light years away. The planet itself is
only visible while actually standing on the surface, yet to stand on the surface is to die
within seconds. No mortal creature is exempt from this rule. Even if you’re a life-form that
is biologically incapable of the sense of smell, your mind will instinctively know that you
are standing in a place that smells too awful to comprehend, and not wanting to take the
chance that through a miracle you suddenly acquire the ability to smell, will shut itself
down in a manner best suited to the occasion.
Another important fact about Garbotron is that one doesn't even need to go remotely
near it to experience its danger. A dark day in Galactic history was the time an interstellar
wind had the unfortunate timing to pass directly through Garbotron’s Diaper Mountain.
The name Diaper Mountain is slightly deceiving. It isn’t really a mountain. More a sort of
hemisphere. Defying the logic of space with its unstoppable stench, the forgotten
memories of Diaper Mountain casually drifted across several light years before settling
down on a peaceful, reddish planet. Sadly, this reddish planet was inhabited. All 9.7 billion
resident creatures promptly suffered death when the logic-defying stench arrived. It is a
good thing sound does not travel through space as well as aroma, for the screams of the
dying creatures were so shrill they would have devastate d beyond repair the nearby planet
Glassvexx, thus sending millions of shards of apparently unbreakable Jardian mega -prisms
hurtling through the cosmos for most of infinity.
Groolfh, justifiably believing he’d made a discovery that would forever transform the
history of the Greeg, went forth to one of the highest-up committees in charge of schmold
distribution and attempted to explain the futility of bathing in schmold. He passionately
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