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Free Beer & Sex

successfully completed the transaction. Your credit card is returned. Lights
flash on the floor and illuminated arrows guide you to your room.
A shining automobile stands on a thick shag carpet. You take a step
forward and the air is filled with the sound of Elvis. You take another and
the vehicle opens up. The roof lifts back and the seats unfold to form a
double bed.
Condoms hang in packets from the windscreen. Your companion reaches
towards them. They come in different sizes and she wants to know which to
pick. You are tempted to say Jumbo but have been warned about the perils
of a loose fit. Slim is the manufacturer's way of saying Small. There‟s no
way you are going to say Slim. That leaves Standard. Then she asks about
flavour. That‟s something you hadn‟t thought of and you are struggling for a
reply when she chooses Peppermint.
Buttons on the dashboard have to be set before you begin. There‟s a
selection of 1950s records. You choose Rock Around the Clock and go on
to the next step. It‟s worse than downloading a file from the internet.
There‟s always something else to be done. You set the humidity control,
adjust lighting and choose a suitable gear. The overhead camera has to be
positioned and you're fiddling with it when you feel a cheek on your thigh
and smell peppermint.
Warning (1): An Australian friend claims to use love hotels because they
are cheaper. He reckons the down-market, no-frills joints have a better bed
price than normal hotels. That‟s because they don‟t make money from beds
but from the “massage” services they provide. As he says, there‟s no
obligation to use these services. If there was, the hotels would be classed
as brothels and the licensing fees would be far higher. He does admit that,
on one occasion, he was turfed out of bed in the middle of the night by some
heavily tattooed guys who said his time was up and he had to go.
Warning (2): The charming couple, pictured above, are tanukis. They are
members of the racoon family and famed for their sexual exploits. Some
love hotels use them for advertising. But don‟t assume that everywhere that
displays tanukis is in that sort of business. I have seen them outside
teahouses and country inns.
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